Beginning to fall for a married coworker

[Hersheys]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this.... but here goes...

 

I've fallen quite hard for my married coworker. I've been trying hard to keep whatever's been going on between us... We've exchanged flirty "moments" and texts. Two weeks ago we went together on a work-related trip for two days. We were quite touchy during the trip but nothing more happened. When we returned to work, by this time, I was kind of expecting he'd change, be a little distant but he didn't and I quite liked that.

 

Last week our new female coworker arrived (posted here a thread about the new girl arriving). Of course she's wonderful and all the men in the office are flirting with her.

 

My heart shatters into pieces everytime I see her interact with him. I'm actually jealous everytime I see them talking. He hasn't changed with how he treats me, still the same. But I'm kind of expecting it'll change...

 

I couldn't stop thinking about him since last weekend. Being in love is supposed to make you happy, at least for a certain amount of time, with relationships like this but this is actually making me sad and depressed because it has shades of the relationship I had years ago (The one that brought me to this forum. That guy wasn't married though.)

 

Please help... I'm not at a very rational place right now. I want a relationship with him but I can't and know that I shouldn't. But I really want to....

Edited April 6, 2016 by Hersheys

[daisy69]

If you have EVER listened to any advice....stay as far away as possible. Fight it, get another job, but whatever you do. Don't.

[BuddyX]

Stay away. He's not yours or hers. He belongs to his wife. The fact that he flirts with both of you shows his true character.

[Satu]

snip

 

Please help... I'm not at a very rational place right now. I want a relationship with him but I can't and know that I shouldn't. But I really want to....

 

Consider your dignity and integrity.

 

You are on the verge of throwing them away.

[Hersheys]

Thanks daisy69, BuddyX, and Satu...

 

I've been thinking the same BUT right now my heart is not in sync with what the mind is saying (cheesy as it sounds). I'm at a point where I'm second-guessing myself, every move I make...

 

I don't know why I can't seem to have enough self-esteem and respect for myself to overcome feeling this way. I hate it. I haven't been myself but I'm trying not to show it.

[daisy69]

Thanks daisy69, BuddyX, and Satu...

 

I've been thinking the same BUT right now my heart is not in sync with what the mind is saying (cheesy as it sounds). I'm at a point where I'm second-guessing myself, every move I make...

 

I don't know why I can't seem to have enough self-esteem and respect for myself to overcome feeling this way. I hate it. I haven't been myself but I'm trying not to show it.

 

 

 

My thoughts once upon a time too. It's called justification. you think its hard now? just wait. You my dear, are opening pandoras box. Again, trust me.

[Mayday2016]

Thanks daisy69, BuddyX, and Satu...

 

I've been thinking the same BUT right now my heart is not in sync with what the mind is saying (cheesy as it sounds). I'm at a point where I'm second-guessing myself, every move I make...

 

I don't know why I can't seem to have enough self-esteem and respect for myself to overcome feeling this way. I hate it. I haven't been myself but I'm trying not to show it.

 

 

It won't end well. Very few stories I've read here where people said, "that was such a great idea... It has really made my life better" ...

 

No. Instead it's - look at all the time I wasted. Look at how painful my recovery is. Look at how depressed I am. Look at how this hurt me, those in my life, xMM's wife, xMM's kids.

 

I'm the extreme of why you just shouldn't. I've been here since October though but not once have I read that anyone had a happy ending. Nope, just anxiety and depression. And anger. Lots of anger.

[privategal]

Cant urge you strongly enough. Walk away. What your saying does sound cheesy...your saying, I know its wrong, I know its messy, but I dont care.

Look its a horrible thing to do to a mans wife and family all for the sake of attention and validation or sex?

Get your head out of the clouds this is REAL life.

It isnt cute or sweet.

You should be OFFENDED a married man is hitting on you.

It should make you feel cheap that he would see you as the type of woman that would stoop that low.

Im speaking to you harshly because SO MANY, literally hundreds on here are in SO much pain and some in therapy, some on medication, some lost their jobs, some are being harrased by the wife, some were dumped and ghosted, some are the subjects now of office gossip and literally dozens and dozens ALL saying now, I wish I had stopped this and never let him seduce me...its a living hell and a nightmare.

Sit down later and read several pages here, as many as you can read of these posts.

Its not a game or fun or sweet. Its real pain and the biggest mistake of your life.

You think you can control it, you cant.

You think its innocent fun? It isnt.

You think you wont have karma flirting and sleeping with another womans husband? You will

You think it can be a one night stand in and out? Several are pregnant or have std's

You think its romantic?

Its disgusting.

 

I was one who took the path so mine is not to judge you, it is to help you stand uo and think clearly.

In a world of single men, wait your turn. Dont ignore or block out his wife in your mind. See her as a human, a mother, someone who would be so heartbroken to know.

My xap and I thought we were really careful and safe. We exchanged heated pics thinking it was just spicing it up and we werent hurting anyone.

She found the deleted pics on accident in a file 2 years after the A was over. It was humiliating for her, for me, for him.

Her heart was broken and all for our selfish "fun" and it even seemed like true love...it wasnt.

 

His next email tell him "Ive thought it through, thought about your wife. I need to keep it professional only with you, you are married and I cant cross that boundary Im sorry, please cease personal conversations and keep firm boundaries out of respect for your wife"

 

It doesnt have to be awkward.

Just stop this now.sorry for the length and passion here but no one here will encourage you, sorry.

[anyonecandoit]

No matter how hard it is, try to stay away. If possible, quit your job. The deeper you go, the harder you can get out. In the end, you will lose everything including yourself. And he will just get back and take everything with him.

[privategal]

One more thing...if you try to pull away these men get very determined. Some things you will here that are TOTAL BS so youve been warned:

 

-from the first moment I laid eyes on you

-I cant help it I feel a connection/attraction/your special/different

(^^^all about grooming, flattery..it WORKS)

-My wife and I are like roomates

-we havent slept together in years

-she's abusive

-I want a divorce, but the kids

-lets just be friends-(most dangerous of ALL)

-Im seperating

-I think shes cheating on me

I want you to be able to spot these as they are classic affair language and grooming. There are literally hundreds of mm cheating that are actually quite happy. They drop the ow every time, it never fails and ow is a WRECK...but she started out the same as you.

Its not cool.

Take him off that pedestal.

Some mm even seem very sweet, nice, genuine, so sincere.

They arent. And neither are you if you sign on for it "innocently"

Its ok you felt an attraction.

Now let that go.

Your better than this.

I hope these posts helped.

Edited April 6, 2016 by privategal

[anyonecandoit]

One more thing...if you try to pull away these men get very determined. Some things you will here that are TOTAL BS so youve been warned:

 

-from the first moment I laid eyes on you

-I cant help it I feel a connection/attraction/your special/different

(^^^all about grooming, flattery..it WORKS)

-My wife and I are like roomates

-we havent slept together in years

-she's abusive

-I want a divorce, but the kids

-lets just be friends-(most dangerous of ALL)

-Im seperating

-I think shes cheating on me

I want you to be able to spot these as they are classic affair language and grooming. There are literally hundreds of mm cheating that are actually quite happy. They drop the ow every time, it never fails and ow is a WRECK...but she started out the same as you.

Its not cool.

Take him off that pedestal.

Some mm even seem very sweet, nice, genuine, so sincere.

They arent. And neither are you if you sign on for it "innocently"

Its ok you felt an attraction.

Now let that go.

Your better than this.

I hope these posts helped.

 

So witty! For mine, he was trying to show me in the office that he and his fiance are done. But back home, they are just as good as yesterday.

[whichwayisup]

Why would you want a relationship aka an affair, with your married co worker who flirts with women in general?

 

Since you have low self esteem and no respect for yourself, please consider working on yourself by doing counseling to help you find it. If you don't, you'll find yourself messed up by falling deeper for a MM whom you work with, ruin your professional reputation as well as losing "you" along the way. This man will hurt you deeply.

[lemondrop21]

I couldn't stop thinking about him since last weekend. Being in love is supposed to make you happy, at least for a certain amount of time, with relationships like this but this is actually making me sad and depressed because it has shades of the relationship I had years ago (The one that brought me to this forum. That guy wasn't married though.)

 

^^That thought is an important one. You are a self-reflective person and it shows. That's great. I think you're underestimating yourself and that you're in a better place than you think you.

 

Why is it making you depressed? Take some time to really think about that. What is it about your previous relationship and this one that feels similar?

 

I haven't read your backstory, but it might be a sense of powerlessness... or the push-pull that you are getting from someone who is unavailable. This MM is LITERALLY unavailable because he has a wife. There are other men that are just emotionally unavailable, and being in a relationship with those sorts can feel remarkably similar to an A. I was with a very emotionally unavailable man a long time ago, and the A reminded me of that relationship in some ways. The instinct to "fight" for that relationship was incredibly powerful even though it was so unhealthy.

 

Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue is a great website that talks about all this. She has a book called Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl that was helpful to me. As a self-reflective person, you might find it helpful.

 

Other posters have already encouraged you to walk away and I don't disagree with them, but I can tell from the way you write that you're at a vulnerable point. Putting too much pressure on yourself to cut off might cause you to then want to rebel (or maybe not... but this is the way I am sometimes).

 

If you are able to cut him off then by all means do, and good riddance! But if it's too hard to cut off completely from this guy right now, why not become a bit more distant than him, for, say, a month? This is called bargaining with yourself. Use that month to reflect and observe. If he drifts towards the new girl, let him do it and let yourself feel the jealousy, but don't react... appreciate that he's showing you his true stripes. Also use that month to put as much energy as you can into your job, your friends, other men you are dating, etc. Basically, your job for four weeks is to not get "sucked in" to this drama. At the end of that month, see how you feel about it all. My guess is that your feelings will have calmed down and you'll be able to think and act more rationally.

[Bufo]

You have been a member here since 2008. I'm not a math genius but that is about 7.5 years. Have you ever seen a thread or posting where an A with a MM at work turned out good?

 

Why do you think that the numerous posters here had bad results but you might have good results?

 

Please read the other replies you have received. They are good advice.

 

Ever hear the phrase short term pain for long term gain? I suggest you accept a little short term pain wondering what might have been instead of the near certain long term pain of this proposed A. Let the other woman have him if she wants to.

[bathtub-row]

If you don't have enough strength or self-esteem to stay away now, go ahead and have an affair with him. When it's all over with and you're completely destroyed, you'll have even less self-esteem. And you'll be telling us how you wish you had listened to us from the beginning and had never met the guy. I kid you not.

[privategal]

^^That thought is an important one. You are a self-reflective person and it shows. That's great. I think you're underestimating yourself and that you're in a better place than you think you.

 

Why is it making you depressed? Take some time to really think about that. What is it about your previous relationship and this one that feels similar?

 

I haven't read your backstory, but it might be a sense of powerlessness... or the push-pull that you are getting from someone who is unavailable. This MM is LITERALLY unavailable because he has a wife. There are other men that are just emotionally unavailable, and being in a relationship with those sorts can feel remarkably similar to an A. I was with a very emotionally unavailable man a long time ago, and the A reminded me of that relationship in some ways. The instinct to "fight" for that relationship was incredibly powerful even though it was so unhealthy.

 

Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue is a great website that talks about all this. She has a book called Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl that was helpful to me. As a self-reflective person, you might find it helpful.

 

Other posters have already encouraged you to walk away and I don't disagree with them, but I can tell from the way you write that you're at a vulnerable point. Putting too much pressure on yourself to cut off might cause you to then want to rebel (or maybe not... but this is the way I am sometimes).

 

If you are able to cut him off then by all means do, and good riddance! But if it's too hard to cut off completely from this guy right now, why not become a bit more distant than him, for, say, a month? This is called bargaining with yourself. Use that month to reflect and observe. If he drifts towards the new girl, let him do it and let yourself feel the jealousy, but don't react... appreciate that he's showing you his true stripes. Also use that month to put as much energy as you can into your job, your friends, other men you are dating, etc. Basically, your job for four weeks is to not get "sucked in" to this drama. At the end of that month, see how you feel about it all. My guess is that your feelings will have calmed down and you'll be able to think and act more rationally.

 

I love you lemon and you are trying to be gentle in your delivery which is really noble and kind howevverr...in my extensive reading of baggage reclaim yoy know Natalie would say "flush"

In affair world things escalate SO fast.

They snowball and you lose your grasp on your otherwise controlled demeanor as flattery overtakes you.

Once those feelings get in the mind they are so very difficult to escape.

I think your ideas are balanced and I know you dont want to lash out or judge her, again I give you such props but I feel shes in really shaky territory and at a crossroads and I feel the only way in tgis moment as hard as it may be is to see that big flashing red stop sign, those gut feelings and sadness is the subconscious saying, wait, no, you know this is going to hurt. Just even for her, morality aside, its going to just be easier to get control and nip this is the bud now.

[EMT girl]

Don't you want a relationship that can actually go somewhere? Here's a hint for you, if he cheats on her, guess what? He'll cheat on you.

 

Why set yourself up for heartbreak and failure? Find a single man, not one who already made vows to someone else.

 

Good luck

[sandylee1]

It's a bad idea OP.

 

Sometimes in life you have to accept that the man you have your eye on isn't available...... and move on to find what you need.

 

I'm sure you don't want to be a part of ruining a marriage or have coworkers talking about you in a very negative light. It's hard to shake of those views.

[Hersheys]

It won't end well. Very few stories I've read here where people said, "that was such a great idea... It has really made my life better" ...

 

No. Instead it's - look at all the time I wasted. Look at how painful my recovery is. Look at how depressed I am. Look at how this hurt me, those in my life, xMM's wife, xMM's kids.

 

I'm the extreme of why you just shouldn't. I've been here since October though but not once have I read that anyone had a happy ending. Nope, just anxiety and depression. And anger. Lots of anger.

 

It's what I'm scared of, the complete madness it'll bring to me. I'm sad that I'm starting to feel the same confusion and pain a previous relationship brought to me. I came out of it a little stronger but it took me many painful years.

[Hersheys]

Cant urge you strongly enough. Walk away. What your saying does sound cheesy...your saying, I know its wrong, I know its messy, but I dont care.

Look its a horrible thing to do to a mans wife and family all for the sake of attention and validation or sex?

Get your head out of the clouds this is REAL life.

It isnt cute or sweet.

You should be OFFENDED a married man is hitting on you.

It should make you feel cheap that he would see you as the type of woman that would stoop that low.

Im speaking to you harshly because SO MANY, literally hundreds on here are in SO much pain and some in therapy, some on medication, some lost their jobs, some are being harrased by the wife, some were dumped and ghosted, some are the subjects now of office gossip and literally dozens and dozens ALL saying now, I wish I had stopped this and never let him seduce me...its a living hell and a nightmare.

Sit down later and read several pages here, as many as you can read of these posts.

Its not a game or fun or sweet. Its real pain and the biggest mistake of your life.

You think you can control it, you cant.

You think its innocent fun? It isnt.

You think you wont have karma flirting and sleeping with another womans husband? You will

You think it can be a one night stand in and out? Several are pregnant or have std's

You think its romantic?

Its disgusting.

 

I was one who took the path so mine is not to judge you, it is to help you stand uo and think clearly.

In a world of single men, wait your turn. Dont ignore or block out his wife in your mind. See her as a human, a mother, someone who would be so heartbroken to know.

My xap and I thought we were really careful and safe. We exchanged heated pics thinking it was just spicing it up and we werent hurting anyone.

She found the deleted pics on accident in a file 2 years after the A was over. It was humiliating for her, for me, for him.

Her heart was broken and all for our selfish "fun" and it even seemed like true love...it wasnt.

 

His next email tell him "Ive thought it through, thought about your wife. I need to keep it professional only with you, you are married and I cant cross that boundary Im sorry, please cease personal conversations and keep firm boundaries out of respect for your wife"

 

It doesnt have to be awkward.

Just stop this now.sorry for the length and passion here but no one here will encourage you, sorry.

 

Thank you privategal... I really need this. I hate to admit it but you're right, I came on here partly to justify my actions. When I started getting close to him, I wasn't taking things seriously but now I find myself rereading our texts, interpreting our interactions. This is like what happened to me with my said previous relationship which kind of ruined my life. I don't want this to turn into something like that and a big part of me want to walk away completely from it but we work together...and this is embarassing but I'm scared of losing the friendship he gives to me.

[Quiet Storm]

Do you really want to be some married guy's entertainment or ego stroker?

 

He's using girls at work to make the work day more exciting and fun until he goes home to his wife.

 

You can tell that the flirting/ banter/ attention isn't about a connection between the two of you, or is about him "clicking" with who you are as a person. In his mind, the women at work are interchangeable. Fun, flirty distractions.

 

His attention makes you feel special, which is why you like it. It's just an illusion, though. The truth is, to him, you aren't special, you're willing. Willing to fill a role (the girl at work who's willing to play along and flirt with a married guy).

 

You deserve better. If your brain knows this, but your heart does not, then you have to take steps to protect your heart. You have to be your own babysitter and keep yourself out of situations that have the potential to hurt you. He's not going to protect your feelings, so you have to do it. And you do that by keeping strong boundaries, avoiding him and redirecting your thoughts about him.

 

It's tempting to seek him out for that attention that makes you feel good, but you have to realize that you're paying for that attention. You are already paying the price because you are confused, jealous and depressed.

 

The only person that can take care of you, is you. Love yourself and respect yourself enough to keep opportunistic people like him at a distance. You deserve better, and if your heart doesn't believe that, than your brain needs to take the reigns. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

[Ms. Faust]

Just going off your past thread it sounds like you have some very, very serious validation issues. The good thing is you also seem highly aware of it.

 

You said:

 

Being in love is supposed to make you happy, at least for a certain amount of time, with relationships like this but this is actually making me sad and depressed because it has shades of the relationship I had years ago...

 

Do you really think you are in love with this guy? Because from what you described it doesn't sound like anything more than some flirting banter may cross into be inappropriate.

 

Is it as serious on his side as it is on yours? Or are you absorbing so much of the attention that it amplifies your feelings? Is he someone you would naturally be attracted to? Or is it an attraction that developed because of the flirting?

[d0nnivain]

I've been thinking the same BUT right now my heart is not in sync with what the mind is saying (cheesy as it sounds). I'm at a point where I'm second-guessing myself, every move I make...

 

I don't know why I can't seem to have enough self-esteem and respect for myself to overcome feeling this way. I hate it. I haven't been myself but I'm trying not to show it.

 

You repeatedly tell yourself that your head has to win this debate with your heart. You know the right thing to do -- stay away. Now do that.

 

 

 

 

. I don't want this to turn into something like that and a big part of me want to walk away completely from it but we work together...and this is embarassing but I'm scared of losing the friendship he gives to me.

 

Do just that. Walk away.

 

Delete his non work texts. Tell him you can only discuss work with him. Put some actual distance in your relationship & especially on business trips away from the office, never be alone with him.

 

Remember a few things:

 

* if he cheats on his wife with you, he will eventually cheat on you!

 

* if you take up with him you will lose him, your job, and your self esteem. He's not worth it.

 

* if you were his wife would you want to be tossed aside like this? of course not so don't give him the opportunity to use you to hurt her

[privategal]

Thank you privategal... I really need this. I hate to admit it but you're right, I came on here partly to justify my actions. When I started getting close to him, I wasn't taking things seriously but now I find myself rereading our texts, interpreting our interactions. This is like what happened to me with my said previous relationship which kind of ruined my life. I don't want this to turn into something like that and a big part of me want to walk away completely from it but we work together...and this is embarassing but I'm scared of losing the friendship he gives to me.

And I more than anyone get the fear of losing the friendship. I just see from the outside looking in how much it can growvso fast and slip from your hands the 'innocence' it starts out as.

Say many little things then...ask more abiut his wife...talk about dating other guys...get a little distant...is a curt speech too ackward? Maybe take 2 hours to reply and be super platonic and change subject to some work stuff.

Ask what are you and you and your family doing for the weekend.

Let your tone and line of convo do all the talking. Make it clear. Dont go for coffee. Be busy WAY more often.

DONT touch him or make a ton of eye contact...super friendzone him big timem

[pteromom]

TI've been thinking the same BUT right now my heart is not in sync with what the mind is saying (cheesy as it sounds). I'm at a point where I'm second-guessing myself, every move I make...

 

I don't know why I can't seem to have enough self-esteem and respect for myself to overcome feeling this way. I hate it. I haven't been myself but I'm trying not to show it.

 

It is ok to FEEL this way.

It's ok for your heart to not be in sync with your mind.

 

Your heart feels what it feels.

 

But when your heart is feeling something that would be very bad for you, it is your brain's job to step in and gently pull your heart back.

 

Yes, it will hurt. Yes, you will wonder what might have happened if you had pushed yourself forward. Yes, you will cry.

 

But you know what? After the tears fade, you will be SO proud of yourself for keeping your integrity and doing the right thing, no matter how difficult it was.

 

This is part of maturing. Choosing what is right over what feels good in the moment but comes back to bite you in the rear.

 

Don't flirt with him. Be cool and polite and distant. Smile, but don't reciprocate.

 

If he asks what is wrong, tell him - you were getting a little too flirty and wasn't comfortable with the inappropriateness of the way you were acting.

 

Don't let him talk you back into that behavior. Hopefully he will respect your choice.