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I've tried to end it many times. I haven't physically seen him but we've been texting. However I called him out on his lying lately however he continues to deny what I know is the truth. I want to just ghost him and never look back. I know it's a cold way to end but he deserves it. I hope I have the strength to just disappear

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I've tried to end it many times. I haven't physically seen him but we've been texting. However I called him out on his lying lately however he continues to deny what I know is the truth. I want to just ghost him and never look back. I know it's a cold way to end but he deserves it. I hope I have the strength to just disappear

 

How did you end it before?

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I told him to go to hell...many times. Went nc for months at a time over and over (like most of us) only to get sacked back in :(

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lemondrop21

In a normal relationship scenario I think ghosting someone is harsh, but for the end of an affair I think it's acceptable because you have to put YOUR needs first. If sending any kind of an ending message might spark a conversation that pulls you back in, then ghosting is an understandable action to take. It conveys that you're serious about ending it and not wanting him to beg for you not to leave, etc. If you are truly ready to end it then I say go for it.

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Hello.

Ghosting is when 2 people are both invested and things are usually normal and a love interest just disappears while the other had no indication, didnt see the end coming and was left to figure out why cruelly with no warning.

For the two of you, you called him out on lies (so he is aware) and you said many goodbyes (go to hell ) so in your case, it might be the best and only way to finally be free.

Ive learned 1st hand, once you get to this toxic arguing stage, its truly over. Any other interraction, even making up, is just prolonging the inevitable.

The makeup-breakup is a sign its a nasty cycle so each honeymoon makeup is a high but you arent married, have no commitment and you are both able to fight, cut, and run as you can only do well together when times are good, then you fight, run, and your mind is trained to never heal as each of you know at some point you will break nc and be back.

But you arent "back" to a healthy normal set up, and to building trust and a growing commited partner...

You are back to a married man who loves his wife and will use you on the side and sneak around until he is through with you, or until the next fight, or until his wife finds out.

The cycle your in is dangerous to your health and well being, and you will never be truly fulfilled or find peace in your life, until you do ghost him and MEAN IT, forever. No slips, no fb stalking, no run ins, just dark cold dissappearing.

He knows why and Id also suggest...dont fight over lying. Of course he lies, hes married, he HAS to lie to even see or speak to you. And by you allowing it, gently...you are lying too.

I wish you the best.

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I told him to go to hell...many times. Went nc for months at a time over and over (like most of us) only to get sacked back in :(

 

Looking back now:

Ending things with an angry message didn't work. Perhaps from MM's point of view, he thought once some time passes you'd 'cool down' and would give him another chance to come back.

 

So, this time if you end things in any way that carries that message of "go to hell" explicitly or implicitly, you can expect the same outcome. That he will be out of sight for a while, but then reappear with the hope to "win" you back.

What's really terrible about this option is that you will now set yourself up to wait and be tortured by the knowledge that "He might be back any day now…"

 

Therefore my suggestion is: don't end it in an angry tone. It will hurt you later more than it will hurt him.

 

I know it's a cold way [ghosting] to end but he deserves it. I hope I have the strength to just disappear

 

If you ghost him, it MAY give him the same silent message as "go to hell". Meaning he'll thinking that maybe you're temporarily angry and maybe…after some time he can come back. Therefore, it is no better an option than what you did before.

 

Furthermore, don't ever consider doing something because "HE deserves it". Once the dust is all settled, you may hate yourself for how you ended a relationship that DID mean a lot to you.

 

Instead of focusing on what HE deserves in order to be punished, (anger towards him)

focus on what YOU deserve in order to heal (compassion towards yourself)

 

So, based on what didn't work in your past, here's my suggestion:

'the amicable goodbye'

 

Give it a few days, or week(s)--however long it takes you to attain some tinge of emotional stability:

 

Then compose a long FULLY detailed email saying all your pent up thoughts. Allow the thoughts to come out. But make sure it conveys no "go to hell" tone of voice.

 

It's a horrible feeling when you look back and realize there were things you should have expressed to someone but you didn't. Those unexpressed secret thoughts can become an emotional burden for YOU.

 

Express as openly as you can about the pain you're feeling.

Express as openly as you can why you NEED this relationship to end for you to heal.

 

Finally, express a REQUEST to him: to not contact you any farther. Make it clear that whenever he breaks NC, you pay the highest of price.

 

After you write the email. Let it sit for a day or two; reread to make sure it contains all that you need to let out.

Hit "send". For the last time.

 

After all that he if chooses to still contact you,

THEN do the 'disappearing act' on him.

 

It's not easy. I know.

It's not easy to be the ONE to end things, especially when you have loved and cared about someone and you want more from the relationship.

But there is NO good option. It's just a matter of picking the least painful path for you.

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Babsinhealing
I told him to go to hell...many times. Went nc for months at a time over and over (like most of us) only to get sacked back in :(

I think it's all about mind-set. If you are determined to move forward and leave that chapter in your life closed- only YOU can make that decision. If you don't want to close the door then you will have to deal with the consequences. Always remember the control and power lies with you if you let it. Good luck!

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georgia girl

How about one last text: "Just go away. I am done."

 

Before you do, make sure all other avenues of contact are blocked and then, once you do, turn off your phone. Take out the SIM card and toss it. Go to the cell phone store and open up a completely new account. With the SIM gone,'you won't have old texts to look at to make you doubt your decision and a new phone number means he has no way to easily contact you.

 

Then, you get about the business of healing. If such bold action makes him see you are serious and he suddenly decides he wants to make a life with you, he will have to work for it but it's not impossible. We all tend to value the things we work for so much more than the things that come easy. If he doesn't work for you, it's not a problem. You will have already started healing. Long-term, I see it as a win-win situation. You either heal or he makes a true effort to earn his place as your partner. What do you have to lose? Bread crumbs? They're not worth

What you are willing to sacrifice.

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I've tried to end it many times. I haven't physically seen him but we've been texting. However I called him out on his lying lately however he continues to deny what I know is the truth. I want to just ghost him and never look back. I know it's a cold way to end but he deserves it. I hope I have the strength to just disappear

 

OK but why do you not just tell him?

 

I think the only people who need ghosted on are those who are abusive or dangerous, or those who refuse to take no for answer, or those who stalk or those who are truly insane or obsessed.

 

Everyone else needs told clearly and concisely that it is over.

NO fudging or trying to evade the issue with nonsense meaningless statements like "I will always love you" or phrases that are designed to give hope like "I'll call you".

Just use clarity. When faced with the hard fact that you mean it and you are NOT going to cave in, then most get the message.

Then you disappear out of their life.

They know why, you know why.

Perfect

 

Ghosting on normal everyday people is a coward's way out and very cruel, IMO.

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Looking back now:

Ending things with an angry message didn't work. Perhaps from MM's point of view, he thought once some time passes you'd 'cool down' and would give him another chance to come back.

 

So, this time if you end things in any way that carries that message of "go to hell" explicitly or implicitly, you can expect the same outcome. That he will be out of sight for a while, but then reappear with the hope to "win" you back.

What's really terrible about this option is that you will now set yourself up to wait and be tortured by the knowledge that "He might be back any day now…"

 

Therefore my suggestion is: don't end it in an angry tone. It will hurt you later more than it will hurt him.

 

 

 

If you ghost him, it MAY give him the same silent message as "go to hell". Meaning he'll thinking that maybe you're temporarily angry and maybe…after some time he can come back. Therefore, it is no better an option than what you did before.

 

Furthermore, don't ever consider doing something because "HE deserves it". Once the dust is all settled, you may hate yourself for how you ended a relationship that DID mean a lot to you.

 

Instead of focusing on what HE deserves in order to be punished, (anger towards him)

focus on what YOU deserve in order to heal (compassion towards yourself)

 

So, based on what didn't work in your past, here's my suggestion:

'the amicable goodbye'

 

Give it a few days, or week(s)--however long it takes you to attain some tinge of emotional stability:

 

Then compose a long FULLY detailed email saying all your pent up thoughts. Allow the thoughts to come out. But make sure it conveys no "go to hell" tone of voice.

 

It's a horrible feeling when you look back and realize there were things you should have expressed to someone but you didn't. Those unexpressed secret thoughts can become an emotional burden for YOU.

 

Express as openly as you can about the pain you're feeling.

Express as openly as you can why you NEED this relationship to end for you to heal.

 

Finally, express a REQUEST to him: to not contact you any farther. Make it clear that whenever he breaks NC, you pay the highest of price.

 

After you write the email. Let it sit for a day or two; reread to make sure it contains all that you need to let out.

Hit "send". For the last time.

 

After all that he if chooses to still contact you,

THEN do the 'disappearing act' on him.

 

It's not easy. I know.

It's not easy to be the ONE to end things, especially when you have loved and cared about someone and you want more from the relationship.

But there is NO good option. It's just a matter of picking the least painful path for you.

 

I really, really dont agree and Im saying this respectfully but unfortunately these outpourings of feelings are looked upon as desperate, emotional, and the MM really doesnt care.

Once someone is done with you, your contact and letters read as your inability to let go and even sometimes desperate emotional attempts to reach out.

I dont feel those private thoughts and emotions are deserved to be read and heard by them. Theyve often used, manipulated and faked love to get sex and attention...to that person, you dont turn around and share your whole feeling of your heart.

Id journal it maybe or write the letter to yourself, but Id leave the AP alone.

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I really, really dont agree and Im saying this respectfully but unfortunately these outpourings of feelings are looked upon as desperate, emotional, and the MM really doesnt care.

Once someone is done with you, your contact and letters read as your inability to let go and even sometimes desperate emotional attempts to reach out.

I dont feel those private thoughts and emotions are deserved to be read and heard by them. Theyve often used, manipulated and faked love to get sex and attention...to that person, you dont turn around and share your whole feeling of your heart.

Id journal it maybe or write the letter to yourself, but Id leave the AP alone.

Agreed - outpourings of a feelings during a break up are never appreciated in the way the upset person wants to think they are.

Best keep all that to yourself, it often comes across as weak and manipulative, hysterical, "dramatic" and "theatrical" - none of which are viewed seriously by most men and not by men who if honest, only wanted easy sex and fun in the first place.

 

Id journal it maybe or write the letter to yourself, but Id leave the AP alone.

Much better idea.

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I've tried to end it many times. I haven't physically seen him but we've been texting. However I called him out on his lying lately however he continues to deny what I know is the truth. I want to just ghost him and never look back. I know it's a cold way to end but he deserves it. I hope I have the strength to just disappear

 

Listen, as long as you continue to have conversations with him, you'll continue to hear the same excuses, twisted rationale, and defenses he has been giving you all this time. Because his excuses, ambivalence, and cognitive dissonance are his way of thinking. These are the things he BELIEVES. Just as you believe certain truths about yourself and why you do things you do, HE believes these particular truths about HIMself and why HE does the things HE does. Continuing to try to get him to see things YOUR way is just not going to work. Someone once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. Do you feel like you're going insane yet?

 

Stop talking to him. Stop pandering to HIS desires, HIS wants, and HIS beliefs and start living your life in accordance with YOUR desires, YOUR wants, and YOUR beliefs. You think that SOME MARRIED GUY is what you need to be happy and content in life. So you call your inability to get your heart to stop hurting "love," "soulmates," or "meant to be." But that pain is not what you think it is.

 

Bite the bullet, stop indulging him, his hallucinations, and his dysfunctional, immature thinking, and start taking care of yourself. Haven't you wasted enough of your one precious life on this married, unavailable, confused guy?

 

Ghosting him is not cruel. It's fricking self-preservation. Do it. Do it today and get it the heck over with. If you don't stop, it is never going to stop.

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I really, really dont agree and Im saying this respectfully

I wouldn't have thought for a second you meant it disrespectfully.

In fact, in many ways, I agree with your argument also.

 

but unfortunately these outpourings of feelings are looked upon as desperate, emotional, and the MM really doesnt care.

I agree. But my reason for suggesting that OP puts out all those thoughts for her own closure, not for MM's closure. How the MM sees it is irrelevant.

 

In my last email to my xMM I wrote a lot of the things that had been bottling up. Instead of journaling, I put it all out there in one last email.

Oh, yes, it was desperate sounding. I felt humiliated and degraded when I wrote it. Reading it back, it still sounds so pathetic now. It hurt to know how little all my words meant to him.

 

But, I don't regret writing it. I said what I had to say. There is a small amount of peace in me knowing I expressed myself--for MY peace of mind; what he chose to do with my emotional outpouring is on him, not me.

 

I said what I had to say. I said what I felt. I said it out loud. I said everything.

And it was also the last email I wrote.

And I have peace of mind for that.

But more importantly, I look back at it now and see I wasn't weak to write what I wrote--it took strength and courage to open up with vulnerability.

 

The point is:

I said the goodbye IN MY OWN WAYS. That is not weakness, that's strength.

 

Once someone is done with you, your contact and letters read as your inability to let go and even sometimes desperate emotional attempts to reach out.

That depends on how you compose your letter. If you write the whole letter filled with how much you missed them and want them, then yes, that sounds desperate.

 

If you write the letter with the intention of expressing yourself one LAST time and then saying that one LAST permanent goodbye, it can actually show that you are ready to finally let go--with control and acceptance.

 

Having the ability to saying a peaceful goodbye shows courage self-respect.

 

Letting go, truly letting go requires that you hold the door knob, push the door closed with control, then lock, see it shut, accept it, then finally walk away--as opposed to slam the door with anger and then run helplessly in the other direction with the hope the door doesn't pull you back.

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We are all so different and have to follow our own gut and heart in what closure looks like for us.

Many who reached back out regretted it in wishing we had preserved dignity and not shown that privately we were a trainwreck, and I feel mine showed him he was hard to get over, when he was a jerk and killed me inside, I didnt have the self love and decency to myself to gracefully walk away without allowing him to judge my pain and my rants and my anger. Those in hindsight were private and important only to me.

Now he got to see or feel she was a bunny boiler. He gets to go back to his life thinking it only proves it was the best decision to get rid of this lunatic.

I didnt deserve to humiliate myself or look desperate or weak or crazy.

And Id like us girls to stop allowing that kind of shame and embarrasment on top of the greiving of the loss we are already experiencing.

There is strength in silence. There is maturity in NC even letters for closure when you know full well its done.

You say goodbye in your heart.

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Just tell him that this is not working for you anymore and that you're not happy and then go silent. At then you have warned him, even if it's by saying something so little like that, which is better than ghosting without any word and leaving him wondering if you died or something.

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Babsinhealing
We are all so different and have to follow our own gut and heart in what closure looks like for us.

Many who reached back out regretted it in wishing we had preserved dignity and not shown that privately we were a trainwreck, and I feel mine showed him he was hard to get over, when he was a jerk and killed me inside, I didnt have the self love and decency to myself to gracefully walk away without allowing him to judge my pain and my rants and my anger. Those in hindsight were private and important only to me.

Now he got to see or feel she was a bunny boiler. He gets to go back to his life thinking it only proves it was the best decision to get rid of this lunatic.

I didnt deserve to humiliate myself or look desperate or weak or crazy.

And Id like us girls to stop allowing that kind of shame and embarrasment on top of the greiving of the loss we are already experiencing.

There is strength in silence. There is maturity in NC even letters for closure when you know full well its done.

You say goodbye in your heart.

Beautifully said, Privategal. I did walk away with my dignity intact (as much as can be in an A). I was classy and strong when I ended it and I will always be grateful I held myself together when inside I felt like I was dying. Still doesn't change the hurt and grief but I am so proud of myself... And I hope he looks back someday and says- big BIG mistake for letting her walk. I do feel like I have the power now and that helps as I stumble through the days towards moving on.

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We are all so different and have to follow our own gut and heart in what closure looks like for us.

Many who reached back out regretted it in wishing we had preserved dignity and not shown that privately we were a trainwreck, and I feel mine showed him he was hard to get over, when he was a jerk and killed me inside, I didnt have the self love and decency to myself to gracefully walk away without allowing him to judge my pain and my rants and my anger. Those in hindsight were private and important only to me.

Now he got to see or feel she was a bunny boiler. He gets to go back to his life thinking it only proves it was the best decision to get rid of this lunatic.

I didnt deserve to humiliate myself or look desperate or weak or crazy.

And Id like us girls to stop allowing that kind of shame and embarrasment on top of the greiving of the loss we are already experiencing.

There is strength in silence. There is maturity in NC even letters for closure when you know full well its done.

You say goodbye in your heart.

 

YES! PLEASE listen to this.

End it yourself please. Now.

 

If you write to him to tell him with words that you are ending it, it honestly really doesn't matter how you say it, because whether you say it nicely or angrily, it won't matter, HE STILL WON'T LEAVE HIS WIFE. So say it however way you want, as long as YOU will feel good about yourself not only in the moment but also in the future. Then end this for good.

 

I choose to end mine nicely by telling him that I felt strongly for him but we didn't want the same things and then I just went silent.

Edited by Popsicle
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Maddieandtae

Oceansaway I once ended an toxic relationship by "ghosting". It worked for me, I needed to end it that way otherwise I would have continued reaching out wanting a different outcome that was never going to happen. I have no regrets and don't think of the person in an good or bad way. Sometimes extreme actions are needed to get yourself unstuck so that you can work on healthy coping skills and be open to healthy relationships.

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MidnightBlue1980
YES! PLEASE listen to this.

End it yourself please. Now.

 

If you write to him to tell him with words that you are ending it, it honestly really doesn't matter how you say it, because whether you say it nicely or angrily, it won't matter, HE STILL WON'T LEAVE HIS WIFE. So say it however way you want, as long as YOU will feel good about yourself not only in the moment but also in the future. Then end this for good.

 

I choose to end mine nicely by telling him that I felt strongly for him but we didn't want the same things and then I just went silent.

 

I agree. I do not like ghosting. It's cruel. Now he did it to me after I ended it but it's me I have to look at in the mirror and live with, not him. I was an adult, was really clear (nothing worse than thinking, maybe he didn't understand what I felt). I spoke my mind, he spoke his and I said it was over. I got out and drove away.

 

Then of course I was a trainwreck for 3 months but at least I have the knowledge that while he saw me emotionally wrecked (and didn't care), I was the one to end it because it no longer served me. Trust me, you want that. After the dust settles, and it will, it will help you keep a little self respect for yourself, that you did not keep accepting the breadcrumbs.

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Thanks for the advice. However a few have said "it's cruel". Seriously? How cruel is it to be constantly lied too. How cruel is it to call him out over and over only for him to return to the lies

I know I allowed this mess the last 4 years. Endless cycle of lies. I guess ghosting him forever....he will feel some pain that he has caused me. Childish I know.

Silence speaks volumes!

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Thanks for the advice. However a few have said "it's cruel". Seriously? How cruel is it to be constantly lied too. How cruel is it to call him out over and over only for him to return to the lies

I know I allowed this mess the last 4 years. Endless cycle of lies. I guess ghosting him forever....he will feel some pain that he has caused me. Childish I know.

Silence speaks volumes!

 

I dont think anyone would judge you. Follow your instinct, ghost him, and stick to it this time. He feels you will be back. Impress him with your silence forever. That should teach him what lying does to a girl who spent 4 years being lied to. Dont ever speak to him again.

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MidnightBlue1980
Thanks for the advice. However a few have said "it's cruel". Seriously? How cruel is it to be constantly lied too. How cruel is it to call him out over and over only for him to return to the lies

I know I allowed this mess the last 4 years. Endless cycle of lies. I guess ghosting him forever....he will feel some pain that he has caused me. Childish I know.

Silence speaks volumes!

 

Some acts are cruel by definition and to perform them can rebound on a person later down the road. I'm not saying such and such deserves anything, I'm saying that by standing up straight and speaking your mind clearly with a sense of confidence, will fill you with self confidence, whereas shrinking and hiding out of a sense of avoidance can make you feel unable to deal with conflict. Now I am not saying to constantly respond. Say your piece like a confident woman (or man) that you deserve better and then ignore to your hearts content. But it has to come from the right place. I am not sure if I am explaining it right. These are just my thoughts.

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I ended w my Xmm numerous times. Sometimes for weeks sometimes for months but he kept breaking no contact. I tried breaking up nicely, I even wrote Him a letter one time, I told him off and then went no contact. Nothing I did worked and I'm not totally blaming him either. To end things permanently you have to 100% be willing and able! Because that way whatever you do decide to do, it will work. The only way it doesn't work is if you yourself are looking for the cracks. As far as ghosting goes, yes it's cruel but sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do!! Good luck!

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Believe me I have spoken my mind many many times to him. And it would always go back to the same. I am not shrinking up or being a coward. I am confident and have realized what a lying cheater he is. I feel bad for his wife and would never want to man like him. I just have nothing to say to him anymore

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Forceawakensme
Believe me I have spoken my mind many many times to him. And it would always go back to the same. I am not shrinking up or being a coward. I am confident and have realized what a lying cheater he is. I feel bad for his wife and would never want to man like him. I just have nothing to say to him anymore

 

I think every situation is different -- in your situation i would ghost him because its best for you and at this point, after four years of dealing with his crap, watching out for yourself is the only option. Cut ties and stick with it.

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