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Question for OW's of MM


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It's no secret that the end of the A is traumatic. Traumatic enough that many of you seek advice here. Which is a good thing

 

But, have any of you been through a divorce or even broken up from an LTR with a single guy where thoughts of marriage entered your thinking?

 

My question is why does ending the A seem to cause more trauma than other break ups?

 

Please don't think this is some sort of criticism or invitation for bashing. I know the hurt is real.

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I think part of it is that we feel/felt that we had met the person that 'gets us'. He is our person. And there is no natural wind down to the relationship. Usually it is just... Over. And OW are left with all these feelings. It is rough.

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Huh. Good question.

 

This is probably over simplistic, but my bottom line is how much did I love and need the man I was with? How much of a surprise was it that the relationship ended?

 

I think many people have an emotional attachment to their MM and they believe he is their one, true love. I don't think many really get to see the married partner on a regular basis to see all the warts and negativity (beyond the major flaw that he cheats and lies). While I did see XMM under stress, most of the ti,e we spent together was very happy, light hearted drama-free. We were probably a time-out from real life.

 

In my case, I know/knew it was wrong. And I was using him to avoid having to work at a real relationship. What makes it difficult for me is we stopped without a DDay or even a fight. This was long distance, but it went on for seven years. I think I have a pretty good idea what he is/was like and I think he would have been a perfect life partner for me.

 

No, I'm not convinced I would have been his perfect life partner. I've also been slow to get back in the dating realm since I don't want new men fighting a ghost who may have been perfect. That's not fair to them.

 

Maybe it is the "what if" that makes it tough to move on...

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lemondrop21

This only applies to instances where it's a so-called romantic love affair, where both people see themselves as in love with each other -

 

In this case the affair often ends because:

 

 

  1. DDay happened and one or both parties wish to stay in the marriage/primary relationship, or,
  2. One or both parties have decided that they should not continue because they no longer wish to risk discovery and all the hurt that would bring. Guilt and reality have set in.

In a "regular breakup" or divorce, at least one party has typically decided, for whatever reason, "I don't love you enough to stay in this relationship." The other party is forced to accept that reality. It hurts A LOT, but you can't force someone to love you enough to stay with you, and eventually you have no choice but to accept that.

 

 

 

By contrast, the end of a romantic affair often occurs when both still feel that they are in love. Both parties know how the other feels and yet, they have to pull away from each other and cut contact. And it feels like there is all of this unrealized potential there. Maybe the relationship would have been crap in real life, with constant bickering over who should take the trash out. Or maybe it would have been an amazingly successful relationship. You'll never get the chance to find out, even though you know that some part of your AP wanted to find out, too.

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I think it's because when there is a dday its like ripping a bandaid off! In a real relationship there is maybe a gradual drifting apart or arguments or whatever but there is a breakup. And also in a normal breakup you can tell people and talk to them and be miserable if you want. After a dday very few people know so you are forced to almost suffer in silence. It's much harder to heal and move on from this.

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Gloria_Smellons
My question is why does ending the A seem to cause more trauma than other break ups?

 

For me a big part of it because I couldn't actually TELL anyone about it.

 

I have been devastated (probably not too strong a word) by the break up of a 5 year regular relationship, but I still found that 'easier' in a way because I could talk, talk, talk and talk about it some more. Everyone could agree what an arse he was and that at least made me feel a bit better.

 

I'd told few people about my affair and didn't tell anyone about the end of it, so that 'getting it out' release just wasn't there. Plus, to be fair, I felt like I deserved to feel terrible. I'd done a crappy thing (luckily there was no Dday) so I felt like it was only 'fair' I felt that way.

 

I think a lot of affairs revolve around 'what could be', so I don't think that helps either. In a real life relationship you KNOW it hasn't worked because you've been with that person and you've given it a chance, there's no what if. In affairs there can be that lingering feeling of 'would it actually have worked..?' Hope is usually the last thing to die is it not?

 

Plus, it wasn't a normal relationship, as many affairs aren't. There are unhealthy elements of toxicity, co-dependence and addiction. It's more like trying to leave an abusive relationship than a normal one in my experience, which is altogether just inherently more difficult.

 

And I say all of this acknowledging that my affair was a lot 'better' than the majority of ones on here.

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For me a big part of it because I couldn't actually TELL anyone about it.

 

I have been devastated (probably not too strong a word) by the break up of a 5 year regular relationship, but I still found that 'easier' in a way because I could talk, talk, talk and talk about it some more. Everyone could agree what an arse he was and that at least made me feel a bit better.

 

I'd told few people about my affair and didn't tell anyone about the end of it, so that 'getting it out' release just wasn't there. Plus, to be fair, I felt like I deserved to feel terrible. I'd done a crappy thing (luckily there was no Dday) so I felt like it was only 'fair' I felt that way.

 

I think a lot of affairs revolve around 'what could be', so I don't think that helps either. In a real life relationship you KNOW it hasn't worked because you've been with that person and you've given it a chance, there's no what if. In affairs there can be that lingering feeling of 'would it actually have worked..?' Hope is usually the last thing to die is it not?

 

Plus, it wasn't a normal relationship, as many affairs aren't. There are unhealthy elements of toxicity, co-dependence and addiction. It's more like trying to leave an abusive relationship than a normal one in my experience, which is altogether just inherently more difficult.

 

And I say all of this acknowledging that my affair was a lot 'better' than the majority of ones on here.

 

That's another good point. I have a former friend who made mistake after mistake with men. What makes her a former friend is that she intentionally poached her best friend's husband. The marriage was on the rocks, friend was planning to save for a few months and move out and my former frieind pumped her for info, then told the unsuspecting husband what his wife was planning.

 

Anyway, when she was 23 she was dating a 13 year old boy. I was disgusted and wanted to hear nothing about it. Nobody did. We all knew that it was statutory rape and none of her friends wanted any knowledge. Irrefutable proof happened when she got pregnant.

 

Fast forward and she started dating the town drunk and drug dealer. She kept it secret until he proposed.

 

Then when she was 46 she married a 22 year old who played her. Again, she kept it secret from her friends in these cases because she knew we wouldn't approve. She has led and will continue to lead a very lonely lifestyle, because nobody wants to hear about her relationships or comfort her when they fail.

 

You keep it secret to avoid any chance someone may out you. You keep it secret because you know people won't approve. You keep it secret because your friends may worry you will try to steal their husbands or boyfriends.

 

It isn't any way to live.

 

Never again for me. No matter how easy it is or how it meshes with my lifestyle.

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It's no secret that the end of the A is traumatic. Traumatic enough that many of you seek advice here. Which is a good thing

 

But, have any of you been through a divorce or even broken up from an LTR with a single guy where thoughts of marriage entered your thinking?

 

My question is why does ending the A seem to cause more trauma than other break ups?

 

Please don't think this is some sort of criticism or invitation for bashing. I know the hurt is real.

 

I have seen this topic discussed here before and I can only speak for myself and say that the breakup with MM was no more painful and traumatic than other breakups with single men. They just about killed me too. Very very painful. I hate breakups. I wish to never have another one again and experience that for as long as I love.

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rainbowsandkittens

I think it's also a case of how the AP behaves during the affair. Mine was just about the most caring, loving (though he never said the words), flattering, thoughtful, attentive man I have ever known. I chalked part of it up to his nationality but I think people in affairs put all their feelings into their AP bc they want that in return and bc it's a fantasy and they can. Even though I'm cynical with dating in general and never fall for future faking... I totally fell for everything my AP said. Hook, line and sinker. There was just so much of it.... how could someone say those things and not really mean them, you know?

 

Also- I think the secret part has a lot to do with it. Not only can we not tell anyone but anyone we talk to is going to have the (natural) reaction of, "well, what did you expect? You got what you deserved. And what you knew was coming." Which, yes. True. But that doesn't make it hurt less.

 

I also know that for me- his life is going on just the same as it ever has. He's lost nothing (no D day.) And yet I'm alone and lonlier, somehow, than I was before. I feel like he died and I can't and won't ever see him again. And I'm the only one who's upset about that.

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My is also someone I broke up with, and intended to marry, after a LTM - albeit I was a teenager (16-19), but it was serious on both ends.

 

So, I still have the stings of the original breakup, the memories of how much it hurt the first time, to haunt me now. What makes it really hard is that when we were kids, what made us break up is that he moved away and got confused. He was 19, wanted to have fun, was having difficulty with a long distance relationship, and got weird on me, saying he didn't know what he wanted, and that he wasn't sure of anything. I couldn't take that uncertainty when he was so far away, so I ended it, amidst a lot of confusion on both sides.

 

Now, 20-several years later, I'm in the same situation - an indication that things never change. He doesn't know what he wants, he can't make up his mind, he's confused, etc., etc. And I feel like because we both regretted the first break-up so much and for so long, I don't want to be the one to do it again. So, I let him come and go, stop and start, change his mind, want me and not want me, again, and again, and again. And I feel totally powerless because we established that it was a mistake the first time. Maybe it wasn't, but I just don't know how to do it again.

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Midwestmissy

I'm spitballing here, but what about knowing that you were cast aside for someone else? It's what hurt as a bs, not knowing that I was in a game I didn't know about, that I had been compared and competing with a stranger. In my marriage, no less! Maybe an ow feels like she "lost" to the contender?

 

I never viewed my wh as a prize btw. It was all humiliating.

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rainbowsandkittens

I think there might be a little of that.

 

My AP painted his partner as just awful. Abusive- mentally and physically. He told me how they were rarely (note: he didn't say never) intimate and that their home was tense all the time. He had many nights that they were up late at night or in the middle of the night with her having panic attacks and generally being upset. She called him names, she made him feel less than, etc etc. I couldn't understand why someone would stay with someone like that. Yes, I understand family and history and finances but, according to him, this had been going on for years.

 

So I think a very small part of me thought, "How bad must I be that you're willing to stay with someone who's as awful as you say? You said I was all these great things and she was all these terrible things but yet, I am the one being cast aside." When we ended the affair he told me he originally was staying for "duty" but now he was staying because of "feelings." I couldn't, and still can't to be honest, understand how that all changed so quickly. Especially when he was spending all his free time talking to me. Telling me I was the best thing to happen to him last year, I was the best part of his free time, etc etc.

 

I do know that most of what he said was probably a lie. Things were probably not as bad as he said. They had date nights every few weeks (he always claimed they were not date nights and I always tried to believe him. It wasn't until I came here that I realized if they're still doing these things then their relationship is not that bad.) A lot of the things he told me they fought about were typical 'long term relationship with kids' problems. I told him repeatedly that they should go to MC. But he convinced me it was worse than that. Or at least that he was the only one trying, was sick of it, and on and on.

 

Anyway, sorry, this was a bit of a ramble. My A was very short compared to most people on here so I think if I was in a longer term relationship I would probably feel like I "lost" more than I did. I think it's just the nature of affairs where the MAP pits the S against the AP.

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ladydesigner
It's no secret that the end of the A is traumatic. Traumatic enough that many of you seek advice here. Which is a good thing

 

But, have any of you been through a divorce or even broken up from an LTR with a single guy where thoughts of marriage entered your thinking?

 

My question is why does ending the A seem to cause more trauma than other break ups?

 

Please don't think this is some sort of criticism or invitation for bashing. I know the hurt is real.

 

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet, but I think it is traumatic because of the lack of support the OW/OM have because it is something that is hidden and frowned upon by others so they do not seek support from friends and family in fear of being judged.

 

It's like dealing with a breakup in a vacuum.

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Lovetoohard

I can't speak for others and can only share my views based on my experience. I was a single OW and I'm the one that broke it off with xMM because I was sick and tired of being treated like I was a time-filler, safety net, security blanket, secondary, a secret, etc. I also started seeing through the future faking and realized that they were empty words and didn't want to be sidelined indefinitely.

 

Breaking it off was harder because you go through an intense, passionate, honeymoon period, like, ALL the time. Real relationships level off after that preliminary intense period and settle into a normal routine where you're introducing your bf/gf to your extended world, such as your friends, family, co-workers, etc. You're also doing stuff together like mulling over take-out options after a long day at work on a random weekday, figuring out what to get your niece for a birthday present, looking at family brunch options for the weekend, taking random road trips over the weekend, planning a surprise b'day party with his/her goofy and fun friends, couples nights with mutual friends playing charades, tagging him in your FB pics as your bf, etc. Also, you can't plan vacations or weekend getaways like you normally would without lots of pre-planning (and hello, LYING!). You can also rarely just do stuff on a whim or call whenever you want. I can't just expect my call to be answered on a random Wednesday night when i'm calling totally annoyed and flustered over the fact that I can't find my car keys, which I have totally spazzed out on and stuck in the freezer, next to my pint of Haagen Dasz Rocky Road ice-cream. Or i'm just having a crappy day at work and I need to chat before you go to bed. Or I can't call you first thing in the morning while you're waking up and tell you that i'm horny and want you right now. :D

 

I think what happens is that you're stuck in this intense, passion-filled phase in a very limited and rationed manner and so it's these crazy spikes of intense moments that you hang onto, versus the gradual incline (or decline) in a normal relationship. So when you break away, you're breaking away from the crazy intensity, not a normal decline in relationship. The breaking away is normally motivated by the OW getting fed up and realizing that she's put her life on hold for a perpetual road to waiting and misery which is often fueled by the "I love you's" and future faking, D-DAY or a scare over a potential D-DAY. So essentially, you're in in the middle of a high and you're cutting off cold turkey. To add to cutting it off cold turkey, it's this feeling of being manipulated, lied to, betrayed, and abandoned that just doesn't reconcile with all the lovey-dovey intense moments that we felt and heard and it leaves OW in a state of confusion and pain. Enter, Loveshack.

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Midwestmissy

Rainbows - in the course of 2 months, I went from "the reason I can be an entrepreneur is because of the amazing job you do taking care of the kids and supporting my dreams" to "my mother and I discussed how little you've contributed to the family financially for the last 16 years". I cut expenses, got a job and guess what? Neither he nor his mother acknowledged it. When they did, it was a "cute little part time fun thing". Point is, once the infidelity ball got rolling, I could do nothing right, even when I fixed my "wrongs". It was never me who needed fixing.

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I cannot compare the trauma of an affair-break-up with a regular-break-up, since I haven't experienced a 'regular' break up. But here's my take on it from my point of view:

 

0. start:

the very start of the affair lacks the hopeful start of a normal relationship--from day 0 it's 'un-koshar'.

 

1. dirty:

I'm in love, and what I'm experiencing is beautiful, but the 'world' tells me what I'm experiencing is 'dirty'. It destroys my spirit.

 

2. secrecy:

I wish I could tell the world how much I'm in love with this person; instead I must hide it all, because it's seen as 'filthy'.

 

3. temporary:

From the start I know it's not meant to last; constantly questioning "will it last another day or another week at best?" It's painful to be in love and be hanging by a thread knowing it'll snap any minute.

 

4. disposable:

I know I come second; his wife is his first. When he sees me depends on when he can spare that time. If his wife needs him, he cancels on me.

 

5. silent comparison:

I know he loves his wife more than me; he has a history with his wife, while I'm just a distraction; I know he will spend another 30 years with her--maybe another 30 min with me. He has family and children with her, nothing but cheap fun with me.

 

6. alone:

when I feel hurt, he's not coming over to comfort me; neither can I tell other people since this whole thing is one big secret.

 

7. judgement:

I'm judged by the entire world for being an immoral mistress. Even when I'm hurt, even when I'm telling my therapist, I wonder how she might be judging me.

 

8. unequal partners:

I was never able to experience what it feels like to share equal partnership experience. When he comes, when he breaks it off, all depends on his terms. I can't even get angry with him because then I might lose him.

 

9. constant fear:

Fear of losing him--always at the back of my mind--he could dump me any minute.

 

10. inevitable end:

from the start, I know it will end in PAIN--just a matter of time.

And when it finally does end, he will toss me out and move on with his life.

 

11. End of the affair:

He's home, happy, rekindling with his wife--life better than ever, while I am alone, and broken.

 

12. End after the end:

I just wonder in silence now:

did any part of it matter even for a second?

was any part of it real even for a second?

did any part of it mean anything to him?

or was the whole thing an ugly big circus and I was just a clown and a string puppet for his entertainment?

 

From the beginning to the end: it's built on lies, deception and a deep confusing FOG.

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rainbowsandkittens
Rainbows - in the course of 2 months, I went from "the reason I can be an entrepreneur is because of the amazing job you do taking care of the kids and supporting my dreams" to "my mother and I discussed how little you've contributed to the family financially for the last 16 years". I cut expenses, got a job and guess what? Neither he nor his mother acknowledged it. When they did, it was a "cute little part time fun thing". Point is, once the infidelity ball got rolling, I could do nothing right, even when I fixed my "wrongs". It was never me who needed fixing.

 

I'm sure! All the problems he said she had with him I thought were probably justified (Those that I knew about. He didn't tell me a whole lot about her or their problems.) She was back in school and working on getting what I guess is equivalent to our Masters; of course you would be stressed and depressed with 2 young kids, being back in school after a very long time and dealing with a selfish workaholic- and probably mostly checked out- partner!

 

And nice of him to bring his mother into it! What a child!

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ladydesigner

I just wonder in silence now:

did any part of it matter even for a second?

was any part of it real even for a second?

did any part of it mean anything to him?

or was the whole thing an ugly big circus and I was just a clown and a string puppet for his entertainment?

 

From the beginning to the end: it's built on lies, deception and a deep confusing FOG.

 

One day none of those questions will matter to you. They will have no impact or bearing on your life. ;) YOU matter!

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Midwestmissy

Exactly - remember, he threw her crumbs, saw her on his terms and she fawned all over him. He put a roof over my head and couldn't believe I wasn't fawning. He discarded us and hated that we didn't greet him every night like a hero. We didn't because when he walked thru the front door - after sitting in the driveway on his phone - he was on the phone. With mow, of course - it was work. I wasn't playing along and he was incredulous. For the record, he's mortified by his behavior now.

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Midwestmissy

Ugh I know. Mother was involved because it's a family business. She adored the mow btw, who fawned over the whole family. Mil hadn't spoken to me in 2 years because she wanted him to leave me and move back in with her. Totally different thread, lol.

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rainbowsandkittens

Burnt- I could have written that post. Felt all those same things, have all those same questions. ((((BURNT))))

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HappyAgain2014

It was more traumatic because I compromised my integrity being in an affair. While I took absolute responsibility for it, it turned me into a person I didn't recognize. I felt codependent, anxious, and split in two.

 

Just to be clear, I don't attribute the loss of xMM for my feelings about this. He was the least of my concern. In fact, I was thankful to not feel any sense of responsibility for him anymore. It was exhausting.

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Lovetoohard
It was more traumatic because I compromised my integrity being in an affair. While I took absolute responsibility for it, it turned me into a person I didn't recognize. I felt codependent, anxious, and split in two.

 

Just to be clear, I don't attribute the loss of xMM for my feelings about this. He was the least of my concern. In fact, I was thankful to not feel any sense of responsibility for him anymore. It was exhausting.

 

^^^^and this. Totally screws you up.

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I'm spitballing here, but what about knowing that you were cast aside for someone else? It's what hurt as a bs, not knowing that I was in a game I didn't know about, that I had been compared and competing with a stranger. In my marriage, no less! Maybe an ow feels like she "lost" to the contender?

 

I never viewed my wh as a prize btw. It was all humiliating.

 

I NEVER felt like I could "beat" the wife, just by virtue of her being married to him. I knew that was a losing battle and the score was 100 to 1 from the start. I was never casted aside for the wife, I was never even in the same boat! His involvement with me was just him playing around out of boredom and restlessness. He was never leaving his wife. This was my thinking.

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