Stages of grief

[Ophelia25]

I don't want to be too verbose. So, no long summary. My affair is mostly emotional, occasionally physical, but never completely sexual. My husband is turned on by the idea of cuckolding and mostly doesn't care what I do as long as I don't make myself miserable. His wife is not anywhere near so open-minded and would divorce his butt in a second were he to fully consummate our 8 year affair, the moment she found out. Or so he says.

 

So, we go back and forth. We are "on" for awhile then she flips and he's quiet for awhile. We try to end it for awhile and don't. Each time it gets a little harder for me and I fall apart a little more. I've been in love with him for 25 years and it has never lessened. I also do not want to hurt my family or his, and neither does he. So we bounce around in this awful limbo. I hate it, but I hate it less than us ending it, and I suppose he does, too. But this newest development may just push me over the edge. I'm just not sure how long to wait.

 

I know him. If I end it, it will be over. He will not come crawling back, he will not try again. It's why we broke up when we were teenagers. He moved away, got stupid, and I ended it. He gave up, and then married what he used to tell me was "the wrong girl." Maybe he's full of crap.

 

But now, well, a week ago, he got really weird. He stopped talking to me for a few days. He said he was "just busy," but also hinted that there were some things wrong. I left him alone, but did write to him about how confused I was by his sudden chill. He finally started texting me again and said that he wasn't cutting me off, he was just kind of numb, switching off, not caring about anything. He usually tells me if she freaked out or told him to stop talking to me or whatever. He didn't. Now, for the last week, anyway, he keeps trying to talk to me, but he is painfully and obviously platonic. Like talking about the weather. I'm replying in a friendly but neutral manner, but it's making me insane.

 

For a moment, lets withhold all the "you don't need him, you are a stupid bitch for being in an affair, you're wrong, etc." Most of us here know that already, I think. They are here to commiserate and maybe hear how others in the same situations have handled it. I want some "right now" kind of advice, if anyone feels kind enough to offer it.

 

I do not want us to be "over," ever. Even if we stay frustrated and unfulfilled, knowing that he knows that we love each other and wish we could be together keeps me happy when I feel unwanted so much of the time. I suspect that his wife went off on him and threatened and he doesn't want to tell me about it. Maybe I can get through this weird distant "I'm going to keep talking to you but just like you are an acquaintance contact with no explanation or reasoning" phase, but we've been pretty hard core in love for 8 years and this immediate unexplained weirdness is a bewildered kind of torture for me. I don't know what to do with it. Just the slightest hint to him that I wanted to go away would send him away forever. So I could end it easily. I don't want to. I never have. I sort of want to wait a few years until his kids are grown and see where we are. We have hung on this long, what's a few more years?

 

But the forced and unexplained "we are just friends" communication is kind of ripping holes in my heart. Would ending it hurt less? Should I wait a few weeks and see if he means it? Should I be proud he's trying to be only friends because that's better for our families and just stay quiet and go along, even though I don't understand?

[Forceawakensme]

I wish i had some advice but just wanted to say i hear you and can relate.

 

My exMM went from love declarations and 'we will be together one day' -- to 'im busy' to 'i need to step back for a little bit' --- (which i saw a break up) -- to suddenly PAINFUL friendly almost formal chat like we dont know eachother. i sent some light-hearted messages trying to break down this facade but he kept it up. Formal and friendly.. --- I think it hurts so much.

 

The only answer for me and probably for you is to stay away (ideally forever in my case) -In your case, perhaps until he works himself out. Just go quiet on him, polite but quiet. See what happens.

[13Hearts]

His texts are polite and cold because he had to unlock his phone for his wife who is reading them. They'll be polite and cold (and heartbreaking for you) until she is satisfied that there is no threat, and he can resume locking his phone until the next time she becomes suspicious of his texting and other behavior. I wouldn't doubt for a minute that you are not the only OW in his life and that is likely what has raised her suspicions given that you and he have been at this for 8 years and all of a sudden something has gotten the back of her neck up. I frankly do not understand how or why you want to remain "in love" with him. First, it sounds very unfulfilling. Second, I can't understand how you cannot see him for what or who he really is. He's just a married guy cheating on his wife. What exactly are you in love with? Is this like those women who read romance novels?

 

If it were me, I'd start facing reality and find something more worthy of your love and faithful devotion, like an unwanted child, an abused dog, or an abandoned cat or something.

[Popsicle]

I always say let the man lead, assuming you are moving in a forward direction, and you can react to that. But if you are moving in reverse, then that is never good, and I would let my unhappiness be known, and just move on to someone else after that. But, of course I'm single, not marred, and can do that. Maybe with you being married you should just end it. Is he really a good friend anyway? Be honest. Mine wasn't and I thank God for that. It was easier to let go.

[Grey Cloud]

I think 8 years is a very long time to be in this situation and I understand it would be very hard to walk away from it all.

 

What are the reasons for him not leaving his wife?

 

My exMM would go through stages where everything became really polite and the more I pushed the more frustrated I would get in his responses.

 

If you are not in a position where you feel strong enough to end it, can you just go quiet for a few days and see if he reaches out to you? It will give you a few days as well to have a break and not analyze every bit of communication?

[Ophelia25]

13Hearts, maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being with someone who acts like he actually wants me. Everyone who has ever known me well told me when we were young and dating that he was not the right person for me. I'm sure their opinions influenced me, but him being unsure of what he wanted (and understandably, we were 18) and moving away just sort of collapsed us. He seems to want what's right in front of him at any given moment, and I wasn't anymore.

 

I've got the abandoned kittens, so maybe that's a start. I don't read romance novels. In fact, I'm generally a very level-headed, down to earth, practical person. I'm just hung up on a first love and addicted to the rush of being desired, I suppose.

[ShatteredLady]

When I read, "....numb, switching off, not caring about anything." I hear depression loud & clear. Maybe it's a kind of nihilism that could lead to change? Is this the first time he's been using words like that? Is it a common theme or a completely new thing?

[privategal]

Id just like to say... I had a similiar situation...not a hs sweetheart but a work colleague going back 15 years.

We went through every stage (well NEVER PA) but platonic friends, extremely in love, bitter fights and enemies, back to full EA...back to friends ONLY.

It has torn me apart for years as the relationship was a strong addiction.

Its so hard to feel that connection and not feel in control or able to walk away.

I thought I could just be friends...never ever had I wanted to be a true couple so why not just preserve all the years of fondness, leave the sexual part alone and just be there for eachother.

In the end even that couldn't work.

The confusion has just taken its toll to where any good was tainted.

I just really try and go forward each day one foot in front of the other.

Its really difficult at times.

I try not to obsess, I try not to push it all down either...try to face it and grieve it.

Its a hard path to get something so all encompassing out of your heart and mind. Just gotta let it heal.

Nc is imperative.

Any contact opens wounds, gives too much to analyze and in the back of your mind keeps the bond going.

Its a one step at a time type thing and it wont be easy so just feel the feelings and keep going and know it will get better but don't expect quick miracles.

[RRM321]

When I read, "....numb, switching off, not caring about anything." I hear depression loud & clear. Maybe it's a kind of nihilism ...

 

I heard something that goes even further.

 

Ophelia25,

The impression I get from your story is sadism: It's true love but, never consummated. His wife adamantly objects to the affair and yet, she remains fully aware of it. Your husband is okay with it but, he does not really seem to have an power to object.

 

It's possible the sadistic nature of this relationship has finally caught up with his psyche. He's dishonoring his wife, stifled in his affair, and pursued by you when he corrects these circumstances. Sooner or later the emotional toll for that comes due.

Edited February 12, 2016 by RRM321

[Ms. Faust]

I think 8 years is a very long time to be in this situation and I understand it would be very hard to walk away from it all.

 

What are the reasons for him not leaving his wife?

 

My exMM would go through stages where everything became really polite and the more I pushed the more frustrated I would get in his responses.

 

If you are not in a position where you feel strong enough to end it, can you just go quiet for a few days and see if he reaches out to you? It will give you a few days as well to have a break and not analyze every bit of communication?

 

If I recall correctly, OP is in an almost exclusive long distance texting relationship, and I believe she has described the few times that she has actually spoken on the phone with him as being "awkward" (correct me if I am wrong, OP).

 

I also got the sense from what you have told us of your story that this "affair" that you two are engaging in is fantasy in the purest of sense. It sounds to me like it is little more than Live Action RolePlay without too much of the Live Action. And it definitely sounds like you are way more invested than he is. He has wife and kids that distracts him and eats up his time. You don't sound like you have too much else going on. Personally, I think these "we're just friends" moments have less to do with his wife and more to do with him just getting bored with the texting. And then he comes back around after he's taken a break. I had a similar relationship, and that is what would happen with us.

 

I say just ride the tide. If you don't want it to end ask him what is up. You don't have to end it, just say "hey, why do you keep doing this?" That is the only way you are going to find anything out.

[Ophelia25]

Thank you for the advice. Yes, I'm far more invested in what I guess is a total fantasy. It's so much better than reality because in it I feel like someone wants me. For communication, emotion, sex, whatever. It's the desire that I feel addicted to, something that I don't have now at all and never really had with my husband, even though I do love him and he's my best friend. It seems strange to say that I have an okay marriage amidst all this turmoil, but aside from my insatiable desire for the OM, which my husband is aware of and encourages, we are good friends and get along really well. We just don't have desire or passion or intensity. And I've never had that with anyone other than the OM. Maybe I don't need it, but it's the only thing that seems to keep me out of the depths of dull depression. Yes, that's wrong. But where my brain and heart seem to be.

 

Last night, he was texting me about motorcycles and weather and neutral stuff. I said, "you don't just go numb on people you care about. You're either lying or hiding. I don't guess it matters, I can't make a difference." He never replied. What I think happened last week is that she said something angry enough or threatened enough that he decided he needs to end the romance with me, but he doesn't know how to tell me that and is trying to keep communication going for awhile until he figures it out. If he is trying to fix his marriage, then I want to go along with it. Well, I don't, but I would, because I want him to be happy and I want his family to be happy. If that's what it takes, I will bow out without a fuss. I just think he should tell me about it and not half disappear on me with no explanation. I don't know what he wants me to do.

 

If NC is the answer, as it seems to be, how do I get the strength up to initiate it? I don't want to! How do I explain to my husband that we need to end the fantasy because I'm too flipping in love with the guy to continue to use him as fuel for my sex life (all sex with my husband involves detailed discussions of what he wants me to do to and with the OM)? How do I respond to his neutral, how's the weather kind of texts? Just ignore them until he gives up? How do I learn to be content with the fact that he can't or won't explain things, maybe ever? How do I stay quiet and not be that psycho desperate stalker girl who freaks out on him? Or the spiteful "woman scorned" who steps in and tells his wife the things I know she doesn't know yet and then ruin things for him even more? I'm not that type of person, I don't think I would. But this not understanding what's going on is making me so frantic and confused and alone. Before, we have tried together to back off or end things. I knew why and what had happened and what he was doing. And we did both try. Now, I've been pushed out of what's going on and it's really painful. But he is still trying to talk to me and I don't understand why and I don't feel strong enough to ignore him.

[13Hearts]

13Hearts, maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being with someone who acts like he actually wants me. Everyone who has ever known me well told me when we were young and dating that he was not the right person for me. I'm sure their opinions influenced me, but him being unsure of what he wanted (and understandably, we were 18) and moving away just sort of collapsed us. He seems to want what's right in front of him at any given moment, and I wasn't anymore.

 

I've got the abandoned kittens, so maybe that's a start. I don't read romance novels. In fact, I'm generally a very level-headed, down to earth, practical person. I'm just hung up on a first love and addicted to the rush of being desired, I suppose.

LOL Ophelia that is exactly me and my situation w MM too. You and I sound very alike. I also was high school age when I fell in love with MM (he wasn't married yet) and i carried that torch in my heart for 30 years. That's what made me susceptible to his wiles and stories of what could have been, how in love with me he is, and how we will be in the future. I fell for it and got caught up in the great feelings. But I kept my wits about me, despite being love, and was eventually able to let go of the childish fantasies and consistently see him as just a married guy. It's not hard when you discipline your mind to refuse to see the romantic part.

 

Don't feel bad, I used to fall for all that romantic crap too.

[Ophelia25]

Let's just, for argument's sake, say that this time, the break-up sticks. Maybe he will feel so much freer with NC that he will not try to get me back. Maybe I'll get strong enough to deny him if he tries. I guess I have to be hopeful each time that maybe this is the one that works.

 

What can I expect? I've read that 1)the loss of an AP triggers feelings as strong as the death of a loved one and 2)the withdrawal of an addiction to a person are every bit as strong as things like cocaine or heroin withdrawal. So, here I am, Day 1 - again - sick as a dog and crying every five minutes and unable to think or work or do anything. This is bad, as I work at home online and am both very behind in my work and very alone all day, every day. I'm trying to keep the TV going and not look at my phone (easier today because my husband left his phone here at home, so he won't be messaging me either), and I moved the app so that I don't even see it when I do look at my phone.

 

But I can't THINK. My mind is a whirlwind of self-pity and anger at myself for losing it, yet again. I'm embarrassed that I feel so awful and can't control it. I've read that one should just let go and mourn for awhile. But, how do I do that with my husband asking me what's wrong every few minutes? He knows about the affair and about the NC, I tell him the basics, but never fill in the intensity of my own feelings about it, but I feel like an ass for moping and crying and being so ridiculous in his presence. I need to focus, to work, to try to do things, but I'm physically ill as well - sleepy and anxious and headachy and so worn out, I can't even get myself dressed to go to the store. I'm not sure writing about it helps, but since I can think of nothing else, I don't know what else to do.

 

Should I just let go and be miserable for a few days? Just cry and wail and indulge how awful I feel? Or should I keep trying to pull myself together and do my work and tune him out?

 

Most of these post say he WILL be back in these situations. And all I can think about is how much I hope that's true. Which, in turn, makes me feel angry and ashamed of myself for not even wanting to try.

 

I know it's a long haul, but as far as recovery, I've so far only made it through the first couple of weeks of NC until we break again. So - how do I view this repeat of the worst of it, and how do I use the misery to try to change my attitude so that maybe I actually want it to be over and can work harder for that once I get over this first hump - when will that happen?

 

UGH.

[jenkins95]

Let's just, for argument's sake, say that this time, the break-up sticks. Maybe he will feel so much freer with NC that he will not try to get me back. Maybe I'll get strong enough to deny him if he tries. I guess I have to be hopeful each time that maybe this is the one that works.

 

What can I expect? I've read that 1)the loss of an AP triggers feelings as strong as the death of a loved one and 2)the withdrawal of an addiction to a person are every bit as strong as things like cocaine or heroin withdrawal. So, here I am, Day 1 - again - sick as a dog and crying every five minutes and unable to think or work or do anything. This is bad, as I work at home online and am both very behind in my work and very alone all day, every day. I'm trying to keep the TV going and not look at my phone (easier today because my husband left his phone here at home, so he won't be messaging me either), and I moved the app so that I don't even see it when I do look at my phone.

 

But I can't THINK. My mind is a whirlwind of self-pity and anger at myself for losing it, yet again. I'm embarrassed that I feel so awful and can't control it. I've read that one should just let go and mourn for awhile. But, how do I do that with my husband asking me what's wrong every few minutes? He knows about the affair and about the NC, I tell him the basics, but never fill in the intensity of my own feelings about it, but I feel like an ass for moping and crying and being so ridiculous in his presence. I need to focus, to work, to try to do things, but I'm physically ill as well - sleepy and anxious and headachy and so worn out, I can't even get myself dressed to go to the store. I'm not sure writing about it helps, but since I can think of nothing else, I don't know what else to do.

 

Should I just let go and be miserable for a few days? Just cry and wail and indulge how awful I feel? Or should I keep trying to pull myself together and do my work and tune him out?

 

Most of these post say he WILL be back in these situations. And all I can think about is how much I hope that's true. Which, in turn, makes me feel angry and ashamed of myself for not even wanting to try.

 

I know it's a long haul, but as far as recovery, I've so far only made it through the first couple of weeks of NC until we break again. So - how do I view this repeat of the worst of it, and how do I use the misery to try to change my attitude so that maybe I actually want it to be over and can work harder for that once I get over this first hump - when will that happen?

 

UGH.

 

 

First of all a little hug (((Ophelia25)))

 

I really feel for you Ophelia. Your pain and fear is palpable. I recognise a lot of what you are feeling - it brings emotions back to me reading your post. I was a MM in an affair that got very emotional too, like yours. My story is on here if you are interested to read it. I will look at your other posts too, as I'm assuming more of your back story is there?

 

I went into NC 100 days ago and I think my mental state was probably something similar to yours now. I was all over the place and all I could rely on was steely determination and resolute commitment to NC. It was very tough. What you said sounds about right:

 

"I've read that 1)the loss of an AP triggers feelings as strong as the death of a loved one and 2)the withdrawal of an addiction to a person are every bit as strong as things like cocaine or heroin withdrawal."

 

It's daunting, but know that it gets better and while you will always mourn the loss of a loved one, you will eventually be glad to see the back of your affair. The early days for me were like hell, but so much hurt had been caused in the affair that I was absolutely determined not to break it, and my wife was and continues to be absolutely amazing in wanting us to work on our marriage and reconcile. So it just HAD to work. I suffered terribly for the first month, perhaps very slightly less in the second month, but between 2-3 months I started to notice that I was definitely significantly better than day 1 and could be reasonably certain that I would not break NC again. A couple of weeks ago (93-94 days into NC), I had a major blip and considered contacting her - my friends here helped me back from the ledge. As they always do, the dark period passed. Since then, I feel as good as I have the whole time since the affair ended and today I reached the 100 days mark.

 

I recognise that I am still only just starting the journey to recovery and that my marriage is still in the emergency room, but I feel so much better than I did on day 1. Life is now bearable and I already experience occasional short periods of a "peaceful" mind sometimes. Something I hadn't known for over a year.

 

At the start, I just engaged my head and tried to ignore the pain in my heart. I chose to accept what everyone one here was telling me and everything I read on the internet - NC does get you to recovery, one day at a time, even if you feel it is not working, you eventually realise that you are feeling slightly better. It turns out that that is right. But you must be strict, so slip ups and no shadowing on FB, etc. Anything like that sets you back in your recovery

 

Go for it Ophelia. get your life back. Post back here in 100 days with a special "party" thread like I just did. I almost guarantee you that you will feel much better if you ride out the early hell in the early weeks.

 

The future could be so bright if you can just let him go. Do you feel disconnected from your H? There is no way that you can get this back while you are still in contact with the OM, but several weeks/months into NC, your mind will be clearer and never know, you may find that spark in your M again. It seems like your H is incredibly patient, like my wife. Such amazing people are rare - give it everything you've got to make it work.

 

Keep posting - we are here for you. I wish you nothing but the best.

Edited March 15, 2016 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Should I just let go and be miserable for a few days? Just cry and wail and indulge how awful I feel? Or should I keep trying to pull myself together and do my work and tune him out?

 

Yes, you will feel so low at first, don't even try to fight it - except for when your H is around, of course. Any free time when you are on your own cry as much as you like, get it out of your system, post profusely on here, read, read, read on the internet - all the stuff that tells you how bad affairs are. It keeps you concentrated and focused. I had about 7 or 8 articles that I went to time and time again. They were like comfort blankets - stories of other people who had been in my situation and how they got through it, how affairs are never a good idea, etc.

 

After a few weeks, you may be ready to fight your mental pain a little bit. After about the one month mark, I introduced a rule where I would give in to my pain and just be sad/indulge the thoughts, etc for half an hour, but then, I would force my mind to think about other things for a full hour before giving in to the pain again for half an hour, in a cycle. In this way I trained my mind not to constantly pine and obsess over the AP and feel sorry for myself. It was very tough at first and my mind became tired and almost dizzy with the effort of it all. But it is amazing how adaptable the brain is and how you can train it. After a month or so, I ended up doing this almost automatically.

 

Now, the bad thoughts rarely last more than a few minutes at a time. You can do it Ophelia. Take the pain now and invest in the future you. Do everything right, and even though you may always carry a few scars and have "moments" and triggers, you could be a new, happy, "normal" person by next Christmas.

 

Be strong - we're here for you.

 

Keep posting

Edited March 15, 2016 by jenkins95

[Summer3]

Should I just let go and be miserable for a few days? Just cry and wail and indulge how awful I feel? Or should I keep trying to pull myself together and do my work and tune him out?

 

Most of these post say he WILL be back in these situations. And all I can think about is how much I hope that's true. Which, in turn, makes me feel angry and ashamed of myself for not even wanting to try.

 

I know it's a long haul, but as far as recovery, I've so far only made it through the first couple of weeks of NC until we break again. So - how do I view this repeat of the worst of it, and how do I use the misery to try to change my attitude so that maybe I actually want it to be over and can work harder for that once I get over this first hump - when will that happen?

 

UGH.

 

It sounds like you're not doing well. You're missing the OM and your husband (who sounds pretty nice) isn't being cruel about you cheating.

 

Here is the thing. You can sit around and feel yucky but that won't help. You can talk about how much you miss this guy who probably made you feel very excited and sexy. But that won't help either.

 

You need to get your head together or you're going to really ruin your life. Talk therapy works for some ppl. You can do that. What you would be better off doing is reading about what happens to women who stay in long term affairs. Read what happens to them. It isn't a nice picture. You will get old before your time, become bitter and sad. Is that what you want??? I doubt it.

[Satu]

Your number one priority should be your health.

 

 

Here's a little clip from an old journal:

 

 

Generally speaking, when someone is obsessing about their ex, that preoccupation causes the person to neglect themselves.

 

 

Are you eating healthily?

 

Are you drinking enough water?

 

Are you exercising?

 

Are you spending time with other people, family and friends?

 

Are you getting out of the house enough?

 

Are you avoiding drugs and alcohol?

 

Are you doing fun stuff just for enjoyment?

 

Are you keeping up with your responsibilities?

 

 

Those are the things you need to do before you do anything else.

 

 

Take care.

[Cymbeline]

If you are in a state where your emotions are not allowing you to function then anti depressants are really effective. They take a couple of weeks to kick in.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm a chronic pain patient (& I have other health complications) so I have to be very careful what I take. There are some anxiety meds that you can take 'as needed'. You don't have to worry as much about side effects of how long it takes for antidepressants to kick in.

 

Antidepressants are a great idea for many but I have my concerns when it comes to emotional trauma. I'm not the only person who's written on these forums (& others) about antidepressants possibly contributing to affair trauma rather than helping. Just keep a good eye on yourself if you go the medical route.

 

I'm coming to the conclusion that there's no easy way around pain. We just have to suffer & cry our way through it. I'm sorry.

 

Read Satu's post again & again & again...

[theperfectlife]

My OM and I left marriages, divorces both final a year ago.

Is there anyone out there who can give me some insight to a happy future? Does it get easier with time? I find myself ashamed of my affair, and realize the huge price I am paying to be with the man I love.

My new man has 2 children who are very active in our life. They worship their father and stay with us at least 3 nights every week in a house that I bought. However, although in love with my man, I often feel empty inside. An empty nester now, the sadness is 2 fold. My youngest daughter is now almost 19 and does not want to EVER meet my new man. I have not spent a night with her iin almost 2 years and this breaks my heart. My oldest is 21 and more accepting.

I have recently settled into my new home, trying desperately to be happy and complete.

My wish is that my daughters will both one day be part of my new life. I have 2 bedrooms for them, but am I being unrealistic?

I must admit, I may not do it over again if I had the chance.

[ShatteredLady]

If your partner went away for the night would your girls stay over for a 'girls night'?

 

I know that you're in a horrible position. My cousins STILL (a lifetime later) feel jealous of their parents NEW stepchildren. For them it's more than Dad being replaced, it's THEM being replaced.

 

All I can suggest is trying to do very special things (nights over, nights out, special weekends) with your daughters, if they're willing & slowly introduce your new partner. Try to make THEM feel like your no.1 priority for a while?

 

There's no good time to get divorced. Is your Ex very bitter? No matter the age you guys need to co-parent well to improve things. If he's slating you AND you're feeling guilty it's not going to get better. Just because your kids are older doesn't make them less important than his kids....they need to feel that.

[Ophelia25]

I appreciate Satu's reply - those are certainly the things I need to be doing. I guess my question is...how? How can I exercise, get out of the house, do things I enjoy, etc. when I feel so miserable?

 

I have a history of anxiety/depression, and have been on anti-depressants for years. I really do pretty well most of the time, but when something hits me that causes sudden stress or sadness, I just completely fall apart. I can't eat, I don't want to leave the house, I fight tears constantly, I'm nervous and quiet and exacerbate it by how angry I am that my body goes so completely out of whack. I guess the answer is just to ride through it and try to do things a little at a time, I'm just looking for those who have made it to help me get a hold on what sorts of activities and thoughts helped make progress during the time when you were most consumed with the misery.

 

I think the hardest part is knowing that it's the right thing, but being so violently against it. WHY does it have to be the right thing that he stay with his wife of 20 years and kids when they are unhappy and we loved each other first and never stopped through all of this? WHY does it have to be the right thing that we have no contact at all when all we want is to talk to each other? Why is making ourselves and each other so deeply unhappy the best thing to do if we want to be happy? And why is it better for me to stay quiet about it and just let it happen?

 

It's just so hard to believe, after all these years of feeling happy only because he talks to me, that really, I'm so much better off without him. Is it because I'm addicted, and addictions to people just can't work right? Is it because we can't have the same feelings about each other at the same time? Or because he is just tired of trying to juggle two women at the same time, both of them emotional basketcases?

 

They say that men are attracted to women who are together, independent, happy. Maybe I lost him when I let go of the constant running away and resisting and gave in to my feelings for him - I was then dependent on him for so much emotionally it probably freaked him out. So now, I have to try to pull myself together and be independent and happy and confident. Of course, I have no way to show him that I'm that way (if I ever get there) if we maintain NC, which is what we are supposed to do, isn't it?

 

I'm just not sure how to proceed mentally - how can I get my mind prepared to actually DO something about it all this time instead of just waiting in misery until he gets bored or lonely or horny and then talks to me again (which will likely be in a few weeks). How can I adjust my thinking so that I don't cave when it's all I want to do?

 

He's initiated NC I'd say 4-5 times in the last couple of years. Mostly it was because his wife told him to. This time, I think it may have been of his own volition - he was traveling last week and we had some pretty steamy conversations/video chats, and I could tell he felt guilty about it immediately afterwards. This has always been hard for me because he feels guilty and wants to push me away and I feel vulnerable and want reassurance that he likes me.

 

I'm sorry this was all over the place. Reflection of my head.

 

I think reading about other's experiences here is helpful, and then I think, should I just be trying to not think about it at all? Push it out of my mind?

[Adoraxx]

I think reading about other's experiences here is helpful, and then I think, should I just be trying to not think about it at all? Push it out of my mind?

 

It's what I've been trying to do for the past few days... Not sure if it's the right thing to do in trying to deal with the grief, but the pain became so unbearable for me that I have to tell myself often: "Stop it, stop thinking about it!" and then try to force myself to think of something else.

 

Hope you feel better soon

Hugs

[Ophelia25]

Thanks for the advice here, all. I read it and feel both relieved to see how many people feel the same way and awful that these situations are all so hopeless.

 

If I could handle this any way I wanted, I'd want he and I to agree to tell our spouses outright that we love each other and don't know how or want to stop, and then let them decide how to deal with us. Silly idea, wouldn't really work, but I'd love for all the sneakiness and hiding to be over. We are jerks anyway, why not face up to it and be honest with them? Maybe they will give up on us. Maybe they will hate us. Maybe they will want to help us get over each other somehow, I don't know. Just seems like it might be an interesting change. It's not that it's all that secret, but he assures his wife we are friends. Her last interference about a month and a half ago was just that she thought we were "too involved in each other's daily lives," so he cut me off for two weeks and then said, "this sucks" and came back.

 

My husband, on the other hand, knows mostly about the sexual parts of our relationship, the flirting and sexting and meet-ups, but less about the emotional attachment I have. Not that I think he can't figure that out, considering my ridiculous behavior every time he hurts me again.

 

But, I dunno, what if it was even more out in the open? I guess it could be worse for both of us having to live with them knowing how we feel about each other. Maybe it's even meaner that way. But it seems unfair this way, too, with them knowing a little, but not enough to really do anything about it.

 

Why are we such jerks? Why can't we just love who we are supposed to and leave it alone? I guess that's why NC is always the best and only solution, but I hate it so much. I mean, if he doesn't want to talk to me, why should I feel like I need to talk to him so desperately? It obviously couldn't be a very helpful conversation, even if we did talk. I just hate that he was so wishy-washy about it. Get rid of me if that's what you need to do! Quit trying to hold on if you don't want me! Let me try to move past it!

 

Because I am primarily responsible for our original 19 year old breakup (he was the idiot, but I made the call), I told him that I didn't want to end it again unless it was his decision. I wanted something clear and definitive. He can't do it, but he can wrench me around constantly, coming and going, hot and cold, wanting me then not, having a conscience then forgetting it, and he has kept it up for 5 of the last 8 years, so I don't know that it will ever stop. I don't want to go back on what I said about him needing to end it, but if he can't, maybe he needs me to. I don't wanna. But I don't want to keep feeling like this when he decides to go away, either.

[privategal]

are you doing ok Ophelia? I know you are hurting. Your story, mostly for the length of your A resonated with me and you still have support here.