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Going to tell his wife


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awomansworth

I recently found out that I am the other woman. Via Facebook, of course. I'm still trying to process all the hurt and anger from it, but I have decided that I want to tell his wife, sometime this week.

 

Yes, there are reasons like, she deserves to know, her physical health and did I mention they are about to close on a new house??? And she's (they're??) planning on having another baby???

 

I admit my reasons are also selfish. I'm going to be really honest here: I want to punish him. He does not know that I know as much as I do. So when I found out, he still lied to me about it all, making things infinitely worse. I feel so wronged. Cheated. Violated.

 

At the same time, I don't want to hurt her or ruin her happiness. She's always posting about how happy she is and how much she loves him and their kids. They have a 10 year old and 2 yr old. I don't want to tear their family apart. She deserves to know. She doesn't deserve to be hurt. As a woman, I'd want to know.

 

Looking for support and thoughts please. Thank you.

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LivingWaterPlease
I recently found out that I am the other woman...... She's always posting about how happy she is and how much she loves him and their kids.

 

How recently did you find out? How long did you date him while believing he was single?

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I recently found out that I am the other woman. Via Facebook, of course. I'm still trying to process all the hurt and anger from it, but I have decided that I want to tell his wife, sometime this week.

 

Yes, there are reasons like, she deserves to know, her physical health and did I mention they are about to close on a new house??? And she's (they're??) planning on having another baby???

 

I admit my reasons are also selfish. I'm going to be really honest here: I want to punish him. He does not know that I know as much as I do. So when I found out, he still lied to me about it all, making things infinitely worse. I feel so wronged. Cheated. Violated.

 

At the same time, I don't want to hurt her or ruin her happiness. She's always posting about how happy she is and how much she loves him and their kids. They have a 10 year old and 2 yr old. I don't want to tear their family apart. She deserves to know. She doesn't deserve to be hurt. As a woman, I'd want to know.

 

Looking for support and thoughts please. Thank you.

 

Please be careful with this. You could blow up this woman's whole world and she is still a mom to those children. I would confront him first and then tell him if he doesn't stay away from you that you will tell her.

 

I do believe that she has a right to know. I would. But when there are children involved it's a game changer. Kids need structure and you don't know what's going to happen if you tell her. Also see what other people on here say too. And btw I'm not saying to protect him because it's one thing to have an affair when you know the man is married but you didn't know and that's awful.

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awomansworth
Please be careful with this. You could blow up this woman's whole world and she is still a mom to those children. I would confront him first and then tell him if he doesn't stay away from you that you will tell her.

 

I do believe that she has a right to know. I would. But when there are children involved it's a game changer. Kids need structure and you don't know what's going to happen if you tell her. Also see what other people on here say too. And btw I'm not saying to protect him because it's one thing to have an affair when you know the man is married but you didn't know and that's awful.

 

Thank you. This is why I posted here. I don't know where else to go or find guidance or support from. At least not yet. I haven't told family or friends. I am still trying to process everything else myself.

 

I am angry and want to punish him. I also don't want to hurt her or their children. But in my gut, I also know telling her is the right thing to do.

 

I did confront him. He lied. He said the marriage was over and the next thing i knew I was blocked on her Facebook. I don't know if he or she did that, but I have a feeling he did it. I have another account for work and that is how I was still able to access it. They apparently had a happy weekend "bonding" together, complete with breakfast in bed.

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Good for you on ending it. Sorry he was slimy.

 

Geez, I just don't know about telling her. I'm an xOW and generally against telling the wife anything. One, because it can't do you or him any good. But I also get how lousy he is for lying to you (and her).

 

How are you able to protect yourself from any fall out? Could either of them physically hurt you at home or at your work? Are they able to contact your boss or HR or having a screaming meltdown in your workplace?

 

All extremes to the max, but just wanted to throw out any worst case scenarios.

 

She isn't going to be happy when she finds out. But here's where you have to decide...would she be happier knowing now, rather than 3-5 years from now when they are still possibly upside down ish on their mortgage and a third child in the mix?

 

Financially speaking, if ever there was a good time for something like this to happen, it is probably now. I'm not trying to be cold hearted, just logical.

 

The best revenge truly is to live well and be a success. That doesn't meant I've never gotten revenge and felt justified and smug at their comeuppance, it just means that as the years went on and these people stayed in their miserable lives, I advanced. I look at their quality of life now and shake my head.

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awomansworth
How recently did you find out? How long did you date him while believing he was single?

 

Very recently - Thursday last week.

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yodelwithyu

I would tell. With proof. I am literally one year and three days out from finding out I was in love with and dating a married man. I am still messed up and heartbroken, because I allowed myself to get pulled into their drama. You don't want to ruin her happiness? What what happiness? The fake one he is giving her like the fake happiness he gave you for a year? So what if you want to punish him? You should, and so should she. She should have a right to choose if she still want to be with him.

 

I wish I hadn't been so caught up in my own heartbreak and that I would have told her myself, instead of her finding out another way.

 

The only one reason I would advise you against exposing him is that if there is a part of you that feels like she might kick him out and then you might have a chance. Because that is not right at all, and it is especially not going to happen since he will be so mad at you.

 

Good luck. I am here for you, but I am really sorry you are here. Please run the other way and read my thread if you EVER feel like you might get sucked back in, in any way :http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/548830-unwitting-ow-open-relationship-disaster

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Tahirthegreat

At the same time, I don't want to hurt her or ruin her happiness. She's always posting about how happy she is and how much she loves him and their kids. They have a 10 year old and 2 yr old. I don't want to tear their family apart. She deserves to know. She doesn't deserve to be hurt. As a woman, I'd want to know.

 

She is only happy because she doesnt know what is going on. Her happiness is a lie because of the actions of her selfish husband. It sucks for the kids but the wife deserves to know.

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...they are about to close on a new house??? And she's (they're??) planning on having another baby???

 

At the same time, I don't want to hurt her or ruin her happiness. She's always posting about how happy she is and how much she loves him and their kids. They have a 10 year old and 2 yr old. I don't want to tear their family apart. She deserves to know. She doesn't deserve to be hurt. As a woman, I'd want to know.

 

Looking for support and thoughts please. Thank you.

 

I think that seeking to punish him is not a good reason to tell her, doing things out of spite tends to back-fire, but the fact they as a couple are maybe getting a new house and trying for a new baby means she should know, before she gets herself in deeper with a man who is messing her about.

 

God knows I am not a fan of cheating MM, but a MM who doesn't tell the woman he is seeing behind his wife's back that he is even married, is a special kind of [insert expletive of choice]

Edited by elaine567
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Sorry this happened to you.

Tread carefully. Consider every aspect.

She wants that new house,the third child, the family. She obviously cares how other people percieve her life if she posts about breakfast in bed (TMI, but maybe i'm just old)

She is not going to just say, oh, thank you and give up on all those things she wants.

He is going to tell her you are crazy, obsessive,stalking him, bunny boiler, that you persued him,blackmailed him and any other lie that will help.

She may very well believe him,because she will want to.

Considet potential damage to your career. To your reputation. To future employment and dating prospects.

Yes, he is a jerk and deserves to be exposed, but ask yourself if the price is worth it to you if this backfires on you.

I would say, take your time. Dont act now. You are too emotional (understandably so)

I wouldnt expose, thete is too little control on the outcome,but if you feel you need to, you must think it through and have evidence.

If it blows up in your face, you will feel twice as bad as you do now.

Good luck. Be smart and look out for yourself.

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Thank you. This is why I posted here. I don't know where else to go or find guidance or support from. At least not yet. I haven't told family or friends. I am still trying to process everything else myself.

 

I am angry and want to punish him. I also don't want to hurt her or their children. But in my gut, I also know telling her is the right thing to do.

 

I did confront him. He lied. He said the marriage was over and the next thing i knew I was blocked on her Facebook. I don't know if he or she did that, but I have a feeling he did it. I have another account for work and that is how I was still able to access it. They apparently had a happy weekend "bonding" together, complete with breakfast in bed.

 

You know what after why you just said about the weekend and the breakfast in bed maybe you should tell her. If you decide to I would call her and be nice and just really let her know that you had no idea. He's been playing the both of you. I am usually a firm believer in not getting involved in that way but in this case he involved you unknowingly! Let us know what you decide... Good luck

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awomansworth
I would tell. With proof. I am literally one year and three days out from finding out I was in love with and dating a married man. I am still messed up and heartbroken, because I allowed myself to get pulled into their drama. You don't want to ruin her happiness? What what happiness? The fake one he is giving her like the fake happiness he gave you for a year? So what if you want to punish him? You should, and so should she. She should have a right to choose if she still want to be with him.

 

I am so so sorry you went through that. This is everything I'm feeling right now.

 

I wish I hadn't been so caught up in my own heartbreak and that I would have told her myself, instead of her finding out another way.

 

Yes, one of my reasons is that I regret this affair... I don't want to regret not telling her too. I know it will eat me up, and if/when she does find out I want it to be from me.

 

The only one reason I would advise you against exposing him is that if there is a part of you that feels like she might kick him out and then you might have a chance. Because that is not right at all, and it is especially not going to happen since he will be so mad at you.

 

Good luck. I am here for you, but I am really sorry you are here. Please run the other way and read my thread if you EVER feel like you might get sucked back in, in any way :http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/548830-unwitting-ow-open-relationship-disaster

 

I will read your thread, thank you very much. And thank you for offering support, I have a feeling I will need it.

 

Not going to lie. If he had admitted everything and told me the marriage wasn't working, he was unhappy, he would leave her, etc. I would have considered that if she kicked him out or he left we'd have a chance and I'm not sure I'd be able to walk away, as ridiculous as that sounds now. I am struggling right now as it is.

 

In a way I am very grateful that he lied to me after getting caught.

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)

She is not going to just say, oh, thank you and give up on all those things she wants.

He is going to tell her you are crazy, obsessive,stalking him, bunny boiler, that you persued him,blackmailed him and any other lie that will help.

She may very well believe him,because she will want to.

 

 

I agree with the above. She will be pissed but will not leave him. He will lie and she will want to believe his lies in order to keep her family and life together. Saying all of that I still think she should know.

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awomansworth
She is only happy because she doesnt know what is going on. Her happiness is a lie because of the actions of her selfish husband. It sucks for the kids but the wife deserves to know.

 

She is living a life. I know it's not up to me to decide or end that for her, but in a weird way I know she'd want to know.

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confusedbutterfly

Ugh...I'm so sorry this happened to you. I really am. This is a level of low that I can't even wrap my head around...it's one thing to cheat and let the AP know that you are married...it's quite another to unknowingly involve and entice an innocent party into an affair by not telling them the truth of their marital status.

 

That being said, be very careful with this situation. He could be very good at covering his tracks and she could very likely believe him even if you have concrete proof. With 2 kids, she may not be willing to implode her family over this. I know women who wouldn't throw in the towel on marriages where the husbands have cheated their entire marriage, all because of the kids. She more than likely isn't going to believe you, even if you tell her that you don't want him & that you ended it upon finding out. She doesn't know you. I am a firm believe that the BS deserves to know...Good Luck with whatever you decide.

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Cloudcuckoo

Tell his wife.

 

Those poor wee children she's bringing up? They need a stand up Father with moral fortitude, reliability and consistency. I doubt very much that's what they're getting from a man with such a contemptuous disregard for the welfare and security of his family.

 

This one is a particularly vile breed of a******...disgustingly so.

 

What a horrid thing for you to discover, I'm so sorry you've been subjected to it and equally sorry for his wife.

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awomansworth
I think that seeking to punish him is not a good reason to tell her, doing things out of spite tends to back-fire, but the fact they as a couple are maybe getting a new house and trying for a new baby means she should know, before she gets herself in deeper with a man who is messing her about.

 

God knows I am not a fan of cheating MM, but a MM who doesn't tell the woman he is seeing behind his wife's back that he is even married, is a special kind of [insert expletive of choice]

 

The day that I was debating whether to tell her, she made the post about the baby plans and buying the house. I kind of took that as a sign that she should know beforehand. Financially, they are currently renting a house, so a mortgage is one less thing to worry about when she makes her decision.

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MatSweetMay

She deserves to know, she should know... but just thinking of all the pain I would put on his wife's shoulders would make me think a million times.

I understand you are angry with him, you have every right to be, but if revenge is your driving emotion, don't do it now. Sleep on it and cool off, then revisit your decision on telling the wife or not. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

 

Sorry you had to meet such an a**hole. But the way I see it he is ruining his marriage all on his own.

You had no suspicions about his status? If you guys were dating, there must have been times when he was unavailable, didn't call when he was with his family, or couldn't spend the night as often?

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awomansworth
Ugh...I'm so sorry this happened to you. I really am. This is a level of low that I can't even wrap my head around...it's one thing to cheat and let the AP know that you are married...it's quite another to unknowingly involve and entice an innocent party into an affair by not telling them the truth of their marital status.

 

That being said, be very careful with this situation. He could be very good at covering his tracks and she could very likely believe him even if you have concrete proof. With 2 kids, she may not be willing to implode her family over this. I know women who wouldn't throw in the towel on marriages where the husbands have cheated their entire marriage, all because of the kids. She more than likely isn't going to believe you, even if you tell her that you don't want him & that you ended it upon finding out. She doesn't know you. I am a firm believe that the BS deserves to know...Good Luck with whatever you decide.

 

Thank you. He is definitely good at covering his tracks. I was cursing social media when I found out, but now I am thankful for it because me stumbling upon her FB was the one thing he didn't consider.

 

The outcome doesn't really matter to me, only in that I worry about the kids. Whether she leaves him or not, his infidelity stays no matter what.

 

I just know he would never tell her. Another reason I want to punish him. He would never, ever come clean about it. To me, it's, if you don't tell her I will.

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awomansworth
She deserves to know, she should know... but just thinking of all the pain I would put on his wife's shoulders would make me think a million times.

I understand you are angry with him, you have every right to be, but if revenge is your driving emotion, don't do it now. Sleep on it and cool off, then revisit your decision on telling the wife or not. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

 

Sorry you had to meet such an a**hole. But the way I see it he is ruining his marriage all on his own.

You had no suspicions about his status? If you guys were dating, there must have been times when he was unavailable, didn't call when he was with his family, or couldn't spend the night as often?

 

Her pain is what I am also struggling with. I never want to put anyone through that.

 

I have slept on it. It's been almost a week and by gut just tells me it's what I need to do.

 

No, no suspicions on my part. He was never unusually unavailable. Maybe I'm just stupid and naive.

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Her pain is what I am also struggling with. I never want to put anyone through that.

 

I have slept on it. It's been almost a week and by gut just tells me it's what I need to do.

 

No, no suspicions on my part. He was never unusually unavailable. Maybe I'm just stupid and naive.

 

No,no.

Don't take this on yourself. Do not blame yourself.

You are just a normal person, you can not and should not be playing detective,checking up,cross refrencing and tracking down your boyfriend.

You had the great misfortune of colliding with a cold hearted,manipulative liar.

The reason these master con men succeed is because they are smart, charming,fun,loving. If they were dumb,tbey wouldnt be able to pull this off.

I bet he has had years of practice at lying and manipulating while appearing to be that great guy everyone likes.

Do not take the blame here.

You are a victim of an emotional con scheme.

Place the blame where it belongs: on him

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awomansworth
I agree with the above. She will be pissed but will not leave him. He will lie and she will want to believe his lies in order to keep her family and life together. Saying all of that I still think she should know.

 

The sad part is that while she seems like a strong woman who won't take ***** from anyone, a part of me believes she'll stay whether or not she believes his lies. They have been married for 9 years, dated for 10 years before because they started when they were in their teens.

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IfWishesWereHorses

Just a thought, remember getting in trouble as a child and being told you were going to pay the price later? Waiting for the punishment was worse than the punishment? Maybe let him sweat a little before you do it. I think the wife deserves to know, I just hate that her world is going to blow up. Wouldn't wish that on anyone. Do it for the right reasons though. She'll be a lot more hurt than he will because obviously he doesn't really give a damn about anyone but himself. Very sad situation all the way around. Good luck!

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