Tormented after affair ended... !

[Babsinhealing]

My post is two-fold: to possibly save someone from having to go thru what I am experiencing and to try to learn from others on how to move forward after their affair ended.

 

My first goal: try to save someone from having to go thru what I am experiencing- run and don't look back if you can!!

 

My 19 month affair was wonderful for the most part- at least until d-day. Both married, late 40s, both experiencing a sexual stale and almost non-existent sexual relationship with our spouses (he was married 25 years with 3 kids/ me 10 years no kids). We were a perfect match, physically, emotionally, intellectually. We always said the fit couldn't be more perfect (well, perfect if your not already married). Although we initially wanted to just fill a sexual void, we were quickly immersed in a "relationship" which involved extensive texting, calling, seeing each other at least once a week, sharing our lives, venting, and sneaking away for weekends on "business trips". We prioritized each other and we both put effort to make it work. He was always the key initiator- waking me up every morning with a good morning text- texting during the day to check in, flirt, make plans or just vent about work. He would text or call on his way home. The passion, the kisses, the cuddles, the inside jokes and laughs we shared, the looks and touch he gave me when he was with me- all led me to believe he really cared and was falling for me. This never faded and stayed strong for the full 19 months. I was soaking this in as my husband has shown very little passion or desire for me for years and I craved it.

 

We had one small d-day last summer when his wife found a few pictures of me, we backed off for a week with communicating but he calmed the waters and we quickly resumed like nothing had happened. However everything changed in January when he fell asleep on the couch and didn't lock his phone. His wife found our texts. He called me the next morning and told me that is wasn't good and he needed some time to fix things... I told him I would be patient and let him work this out, not realizing how bad it was.

 

This is where I want to save someone!! No matter what you thought you had- when he feels his life is crumbling down and he could lose it all, including financial stability (two girls in college and one in high school) he will quickly change his mind. You will be discarded and suddenly an insignificant part of his now chaotic life. Everything changed from that day. The daily texts ended for the most part, he still managed to call occasionally and escape and see me 4 times after d-day and while we were together (it was wonderful as usual), but there was no follow up text or call like the old days- it changed from emotional to just physical whenever we could make it work. He was paranoid about texting and getting caught again. I never thought he could be that guy. He had me so convinced. I was so stupid for falling for him, thinking I was the exception. Thinking we had something different.

 

So fast forward to today, last week I hit a brick wall. I couldn't stand not knowing where I stood in his life as I was getting mixed messages. The moment I heard "I think you were more vested in this than me" and " I'm trying to work on my marriage" was the day I knew I needed to end it (despite the fact he just told me we could still see each other and part of him still wants me- BTW he refused MC with his wife and was still lying to her about me and the extensiveness of our emotional and physical affair). So I ended it and told him goodbye. I got my closure that so many dream of- there was no drama- it was kind and sad but I closed the door and walked away.

 

Now this is where I need help from those that have been through this... How do I honestly move forward and get over this- I feel like I'm dying? How do I not hate him? How did I read this and him so wrong? How do I grieve the loss of passion he showed me for the first time in my life after 45 years? I'm not only sad to lose the physical connection, I'm sad to lose our friendship. I know I was being so selfish and I'm not a victim here, but I'm so incredibly sad and I have to grieve this alone. I'm doing everything the books say (exercise, eat right, go to therapy, journal, cry) but I just feel so discarded. How can he just walk away so easily and "fix" his marriage (which was dying a slow death - his relationship with his wife was more of a friendship and one of convenience until last daughter graduated from high school) after knowing how wonderful it could be. I just can't seem to understand his decision and his thinking. Was it all fake? These questions torment me.

[Liam1]

I just can't seem to understand his decision and his thinking. Was it all fake? These questions torment me.

 

Like you, I am trying to prevent some heartache for those who will believe a married man.

 

Most married men I know will lie to an AP to keep the sexual relationship alive.

 

If he did not love his wife, he can easily divorce her. Many people do it. If he won't, he is either an amazing coward, or he is still in love with her.

 

There is a saying among men: "A stiff prick has no conscience"

 

If a woman is going to have an affair with a married man at least go into with your eyes open.

Edited March 8, 2016 by Liam1

[Satu]

He is where he wants to be, with the person he wants to be with.

 

Your first step in your recovery is the acceptance of that fact.

 

You were his 'woman on the side.'

 

He would have you playing that role now, if you were to let him.

 

Sometimes things end badly because it's the only way they can end.

 

 

Take care.

[Babsinhealing]

Great advice, but wish I thought of that 19 months ago! I just find it crazy that he could turn off his heart so quickly. If it was "just sex" for him, he could have won an academy award because he never made me feel that is was... With the exception of post d-day and even then he didn't just "hit it and run".

 

I know I may never know the answers to my 50 questions but I'm hoping others that went thru this can share their journey and I can see there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

[Babsinhealing]

Thanks Satu, acceptance is a tough one right now. I'm still in anger and denial. But I guess I'm heading there because I ended it with no plans of reconciliation.

[Satu]

From my journal:

 

 

Learn to enjoy the ordinary.

 

Ordinary is good.

 

The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real, in a little bubble of imaginings. A big part of any affair is make believe; fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else.

 

Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be.

 

Decompress.

 

 

Take care.

[Satu]

Thanks Satu, acceptance is a tough one right now. I'm still in anger and denial. But I guess I'm heading there because I ended it with no plans of reconciliation.

 

Anger is good, denial not so much.

 

Having said that, denial is recognised to be a stage in the process of grieving a loss.

 

Anger is also a part of that process.

 

If you allow yourself to feel and express your feelings, you will make a good recovery.

 

Write him a letter saying how you feel, but don't post it.

 

Read it yourself, instead.

 

It will help you get your thoughts in order.

[Babsinhealing]

Thanks Satu- fortunately I clearly understand the stages of grief as I'm a clinician...but I'm discovering that it's a heck of a lot easier explaining it to someone than actually living it. I wrote the letter but it's filled with anger and hate. I'm not that type of person so I know it's not really how I deeply feel. My emotions change frequently in the span of an hour- if I wrote him one in 15 min it woukd be a totally emotion.

[RRM321]

Now this is where I need help from those that have been through this... How do I honestly move forward and get over this- I feel like I'm dying? How do I not hate him? How did I read this and him so wrong? How do I grieve the loss of passion he showed me for the first time in my life after 45 years? I'm not only sad to lose the physical connection, I'm sad to lose our friendship. I know I was being so selfish and I'm not a victim here, but I'm so incredibly sad and I have to grieve this alone. I'm doing everything the books say (exercise, eat right, go to therapy, journal, cry) but I just feel so discarded. How can he just walk away so easily and "fix" his marriage (which was dying a slow death - his relationship with his wife was more of a friendship and one of convenience until last daughter graduated from high school) after knowing how wonderful it could be. I just can't seem to understand his decision and his thinking. Was it all fake? These questions torment me.

 

You get over it by realizing that he is not special, you have merely singled him out and chosen him to be special.

 

You found something you want and were missing so, set about the task of changing YOU into a person who has those things.

 

That might mean ending your marriage - not because of the affair, but because that marriage also fails to provide what you want and need.

[lemondrop21]

It sounds like he did care for you a lot, but that he is doing what he feels he has to do in order to save his marriage. Just "turn it off" as much as he can. It will probably torment him and he probably will try to resume contact at some stage, but it may take weeks or months.

 

Unfortunately there is no magic pill... you're going through the stages of grief and you have to just move through it day by day and keep going. If the thought of maintaining your pride helps, then use that to help keep NC. That helped me for a good long time. I refused to be the first one to break, since he was the one who ended things (although I did want an end to the pain). That gave me time to start the healing process and turned out to be very positive even though in some ways I was playing tricks on my own mind.

[BuddyX]

Understand that this isn't just about you. There's a family and kids involved.

You also have a husband you stabbed in the back. That's why, with no kids, you should start anew.

 

I know I know, your going to tell us your complacent in you're marriage and your're willing to work it out. But if you put this much effort into your affair, I advise you to reasses your lifestyle.

 

Now in regards to the MM: "You get closure by closing the door not by opening it for one last look..."

[RRM321]

I wouldn't buy into this notion that anyone has simply "turned off their heart." They have merely shifted their focus back to a reality they were never willing to give up in the first place.

 

This would be true of both of you, since you chose the affair as your platform, rather than ending or thawing out the frozen marriages.

[Babsinhealing]

It sounds like he did care for you a lot, but that he is doing what he feels he has to do in order to save his marriage. Just "turn it off" as much as he can. It will probably torment him and he probably will try to resume contact at some stage, but it may take weeks or months.

 

Unfortunately there is no magic pill... you're going through the stages of grief and you have to just move through it day by day and keep going. If the thought of maintaining your pride helps, then use that to help keep NC. That helped me for a good long time. I refused to be the first one to break, since he was the one who ended things (although I did want an end to the pain). That gave me time to start the healing process and turned out to be very positive even though in some ways I was playing tricks on my own mind.

I won't break and he knows that... I know I need to move forward and NC is the key. But this pain is way worse than I ever imagined. I just miss him.

[Babsinhealing]

Understand that this isn't just about you. There's a family and kids involved.

You also have a husband you stabbed in the back. That's why, with no kids, you should start anew.

 

I know I know, your going to tell us your complacent in you're marriage and your're willing to work it out. But if you put this much effort into your affair, I advise you to reasses your lifestyle.

 

Now in regards to the MM: "You get closure by closing the door not by opening it for one last look..."

Thanks... I expected a few harsh words and I appreciate everyone's opinion. I don't plan on opening the door. I'm just trying to move forward and fix the mess I created in my life.

[Babsinhealing]

I wouldn't buy into this notion that anyone has simply "turned off their heart." They have merely shifted their focus back to a reality they were never willing to give up in the first place.

 

This would be true of both of you, since you chose the affair as your platform, rather than ending or thawing out the frozen marriages.

Nice way to think about it. It's amazing how clearer things get as you start to come out of the fog. Although everything is still clear as mud.

[solonely9]

Hi, Babsinhealing.

 

My story develop the exact same way - the attention, the constant communication, the falling in love, the confusion after D-Day, etc. I also did hit a brick wall and ended it, to which he agreed without any problem. We are in NC right now and I'm dealing with the same emotions. I too had to hear that I was more invested in our affair and that all he wanted was for his marriage to work. It hurts, I know, because you realize how little you meant to him. You also feel stupid for believing him.

 

I agree with Liam1. If he was so really unhappy in his marriage, he would have left it, but, I guess, it wasn't so bad, after all. In my case, xMM's first scare was that a divorce would destroy him financially. He worried about his kids, too, but, somehow, the main thing that made him fearful was that he was going to lose his comfort. Of course, in the end, he blamed it all on me, stating that the only dealbreaker was that he could never trust me, because I was a cheater. Also, as Liam1 said, xMM told me that he was still in love with his wife.

 

Satu is also right. What we have to do is to accept the situation and move on. You're doing all the right things, because that's what I feel like I have to do as well, although I'm still unable to for being depressed. There is no other way really, except acceptance, patience, and time, because, honestly, what other option do you have?

 

I understand you perfectly. These first days and weeks are going to be tough. I feel like I lost so much and I still wonder how he could just walk away, knowing how wonderful it could be (quoting you here). However, he got a wakeup call and realized his priorities.

 

Men are more rational, I think. They apply more logic to everything, including affairs, consider their options, make up their minds, and move on. XMM in my case is doing pretty well right now - going to counseling, getting busier, etc., while I can barely go through the day. Women, on the other hand, need to deal with this on an emotional level first in order to be able to move on.

 

Just hang in there. The beginning after the end is so hard, I know. Every minute, I'm so close to calling him. I have so many questions, so many doubts. But there is no point.

 

Hugs

[solonely9]

I also agree that he didn't just turn his heart off. He just shifted his attention. That's why my xMM is doing so much right know. Focusing on other stuff is very helpful, while giving up to your emotions will destroy you.

Edited March 8, 2016 by solonely9

[Babsinhealing]

Hi SoLonely9,

 

Your post brought tears to my eyes because I know exactly what you are feeling right now, and I don't wish that on anyone. I feel bad you are having to go thru this... I felt like I'm the only one out there and it feels so lonely. But knowing others can empathize makes me feel less lonely.

 

What you say is so true- I do believe he had a wake-up call and had to make a decision that was right for him and his family. I know he would have been financially destroyed and his "outstanding father" reputation would have been destroyed, as well as messing up his 14 year old high school years. So my decision to end it and go NC was my attempt at releasing my selfishness, which i obviously have been for so many months. I didn't want to ruin his life (especially in that my marriage is still "intact" and even though his wife contacted me, she never told my husband).

 

Part of me wished he blamed me or said more hurtful things... It would be easier for me to never look back (although that is my plan). Before we walked away from each other he said "maybe our paths will cross again" and " there are things that will always remind me of you no matter how much time we are apart" And the dreaded " I just feel so bad" (with the shaky voice). So those comments play over in my mind like a broken record. I wish he said- "I love my wife and I want this to fix this and you can't be in my life anymore" - that would have told me he really sincerely meant it. But I feel he left the door open a tiny crack and so I need to be strong and close it, glue it shut, and build another wall in front of it.

 

I've experienced tremendous loss in my life since I was a child and I was able to stand tall and overcome (loss of my parent, husband, child)... But this just seems harder. Like I finally found "happiness" and it's been ripped away... Again. Selfishly I think, what about me? Why can't I just experience happiness. I'm sure this is magnifying my grief and I'm seeing a therapist to work thru this. It just feels good to vent and talk to people that can empathize. So thank you!

[ChickiePops]

What about your own marriage? What are you doing to fix it or, if it's not fixable, what steps are you taking to leave?

 

I don't ask to be cruel, I'm asking because you haven't mentioned him once, but you sure do have a lot of time and energy to expend on a guy who dumped you. Perhaps if you refocus, you will heal faster.

 

Everyone wants to believe they are the exception to the rule but it's a rule because it's what happens most of the time.

[RRM321]

Of course, in the end, he blamed it all on me, stating that the only deal breaker was that he could never trust me, because I was a cheater.

 

This one thing really irks me. If you didn't kick him in the groin when he said that the only explanation for your pain is that it was already there before you met him.

 

That kind of hypocrisy should help you get over this guy in a New York minute! I feel like the xMM is just a convenient decoy for the pain you had nicely tucked away somewhere and then opened up to hand to him?

 

Take back what is yours.

[Babsinhealing]

What about your own marriage? What are you doing to fix it or, if it's not fixable, what steps are you taking to leave?

 

I don't ask to be cruel, I'm asking because you haven't mentioned him once, but you sure do have a lot of time and energy to expend on a guy who dumped you. Perhaps if you refocus, you will heal faster.

 

Everyone wants to believe they are the exception to the rule but it's a rule because it's what happens most of the time.

I'm taking one day at a time regarding my marriage. My husband knows I'm very unhappy and in therapy and is trying to be supportive. However, to be honest- I decided on this affair because my husband decided sex was not important in a marriage. We spent endless hours and years arguing about it and we would go months without anything. He is loving, respectful, caring - but he just doesn't really think sex is that important. We come from different cultures and countries and I thought I could be ok with his low to no sex drive, but as the years past and I discovered we were glorified roommates, I realized I needed it- which caused me to seek it outside of the marriage.

 

So, I have some big decisions to make. He's a wonderful person that would be great to grow old with if I didn't care about sex- but I obviously do. We have fun together, a lot in common and I love him but I need to decide if love is enough. Can I accept that I can't change him. So, one day at a time- one foot in front of another. That's where I am.

[Liam1]

I'm taking one day at a time regarding my marriage. My husband knows I'm very unhappy and in therapy and is trying to be supportive. However, to be honest- I decided on this affair because my husband decided sex was not important in a marriage. We spent endless hours and years arguing about it and we would go months without anything. He is loving, respectful, caring - but he just doesn't really think sex is that important. We come from different cultures and countries and I thought I could be ok with his low to no sex drive, but as the years past and I discovered we were glorified roommates, I realized I needed it- which caused me to seek it outside of the marriage.

 

So, I have some big decisions to make. He's a wonderful person that would be great to grow old with if I didn't care about sex- but I obviously do. We have fun together, a lot in common and I love him but I need to decide if love is enough. Can I accept that I can't change him. So, one day at a time- one foot in front of another. That's where I am.

 

Babs:

 

It may help you to ponder how you would feel if you suddenly lost your sex drive due to aging or hormone shifts.

 

Would you then be wishing you had stayed with the man you love.

 

Is sex really your primary motivator for a long relationship.

 

A certified sex therapist may be able to help your husband with his low sex drive.

 

Does he even know this is an ongoing issue for you.

 

Maybe, if he refuses to get help you can ask for an open relationship.

[Satu]

Thanks Satu- fortunately I clearly understand the stages of grief as I'm a clinician...but I'm discovering that it's a heck of a lot easier explaining it to someone than actually living it. I wrote the letter but it's filled with anger and hate. I'm not that type of person so I know it's not really how I deeply feel. My emotions change frequently in the span of an hour- if I wrote him one in 15 min it woukd be a totally emotion.

 

To be practical, what you need most at the moment is a way of calking down and getting centred in yourself. I'm not suggesting that you should shut off your feelings; just that you need to establish some calmness in yourself.

 

What already existing resources do you have to help you do that?

[solonely9]

Hi, Babsinhealing.

 

 

Yes, I too felt alone in the world, but finding this forum has helped me a lot.

 

 

In regards to NC, to be honest, I was not ready to do it. I was not ready to let him go. He too tried to stay in touch, as in your case, but something was broken already. Before D-Day, I was always so excited to see him. However, after that, I was not looking forward to meeting him in the same way. Seeing him changing so much was really painful. He also suggested being friends, but I just couldn't hang around anymore, listening to how everything was getting better for him in his marriage. So, with the support of this forum, I went into NC.

 

 

And yes, my xMM said that he didn't pick me for being a cheater myself, but I don't believe that that was the only reason. We had a big fight that day and ended it for some time. It felt horrible, because we are not mean people. Then, we reconnected and tried to be "friends." It didn't work out either, we ended it again, on good terms this time, and, even though, it still feels horrible. What I am actually trying to say here is that it really doesn't matter how it ends. The pain is the same. I guess you wish for some closure, for a closed door, but try to look for a resolution within yourself. They cannot fix this for us. Furthermore, my xMM also tried to leave the door open, but I can't live holding on to that. It would be a total waste.

 

 

Finally, I am so sorry for what you've been through in your life. It has made you very strong obviously, but, probably, also a person who would not expect much from life. I too experienced losing my closest people during the last five years, and I had kind of accepted that nothing good is going to happen to me. That is, probably, why it will take me so long to let this guy go. I was truly happy with him.

 

 

Hugs

[Babsinhealing]

Babs:

 

It may help you to ponder how you would feel if you suddenly lost your sex drive due to aging or hormone shifts.

 

Would you then be wishing you had stayed with the man you love.

 

Is sex really your primary motivator for a long relationship.

 

A certified sex therapist may be able to help your husband with his low sex drive.

 

Does he even know this is an ongoing issue for you.

 

Maybe, if he refuses to get help you can ask for an open relationship.

I've considered all of this... And it's been the biggest issue in our marriage for years. I could only hope my sex drive decreases due to age/menopause, but so far- no such luck. It's always been high- probably because you want what you can't get.

 

I'm not naive thinking mind blowing sex lasts in long term relationships but I do believe sex is an important part of a marriage- it's what separates you from just being friends. We don't even sleep together and haven't for years. I get no cuddles, spoons or intimacy even though I've asked endless times. However he will kiss me and hug me everyday, does all the things a caring husband does, he's supportive and will do anything for me- but he would be happy if I never asked for sex again. Sad thing is... I'm attractive, fit, successful and OM told me I was by far the best sex he's ever had so it's not "me" ... It's not like I've let "myself go". So confusing. We've even had his testerone checked... Normal.