One year later..... (update)

[rie05]

I thought I'd give you all an update on how I feel one year on.....

 

I'm doing this because I just read a thread about how things improve with time....

 

My D-Day was Jan 2015. We went totally no contact until June where he contacted me out of the blue saying he'd made a terrible mistake & actually wanted us to be together...... (once again - this was just words but this time I let his wife know instead of getting pulled back into the "A" bubble....) All hell broke loose and I ended up meeting them both. I left in tears heartbroken....

 

I would like to say that 14 months on I am over him - but I am not. I do not check their FB whatever. We've been 100% no contact since that meeting....

 

Am I over him? Not in the slightest..... I don't think about him like I used to but certainly at least once a day for some reason however small. I'm not sad at all but I feel like I can't open my heart up to anyone else after such an experience. I buried myself within a new career and kept myself busy.

 

Maybe part of me holds on to hope - because I know someday I'll hear from him but maybe it's a blessing in disguise if I never do.

[Satu]

snip

 

I don't think about him like I used to but certainly at least once a day for some reason however small. I'm not sad at all but I feel like I can't open my heart up to anyone else after such an experience. *I buried myself within a new career and kept myself busy.

 

Maybe part of me holds on to hope - because I know someday I'll hear from him but maybe it's a blessing in disguise if I never do.

 

 

*It could be that you buried yourself too deeply in your career, and kept yourself too busy.

 

I'm saying thats the case, but it could be.

 

 

Take care.

[windows7i5]

Did you bury yourself in work and keeping busy and still go through the stages of grief and loss? I'm wondering as Satu pointed out.

 

Sorry for your suffering and pain. It is so hard to process the end.

[lemondrop21]

I thought I'd give you all an update on how I feel one year on.....

 

I'm doing this because I just read a thread about how things improve with time....

 

My D-Day was Jan 2015. We went totally no contact until June where he contacted me out of the blue saying he'd made a terrible mistake & actually wanted us to be together...... (once again - this was just words but this time I let his wife know instead of getting pulled back into the "A" bubble....) All hell broke loose and I ended up meeting them both. I left in tears heartbroken....

 

I would like to say that 14 months on I am over him - but I am not. I do not check their FB whatever. We've been 100% no contact since that meeting....

 

Am I over him? Not in the slightest..... I don't think about him like I used to but certainly at least once a day for some reason however small. I'm not sad at all but I feel like I can't open my heart up to anyone else after such an experience. I buried myself within a new career and kept myself busy.

 

Maybe part of me holds on to hope - because I know someday I'll hear from him but maybe it's a blessing in disguise if I never do.

 

Wow, that was a very brave thing that you did. I don't know the details of your story and I can't say that I always believe in disclosure but it sounds like you really felt that the disclosure needed to happen in this case. And look, you were right... he didn't leave.

 

This sounds extra traumatic because he did this whole crawling back to you charade where he claimed he wanted to make it work. Please be kind to yourself in terms of how long your recovery is taking. Everyone moves at different rates anyway.

 

Have you gotten counseling? Developed new friendships? Hobbies? The career is fantastic and kudos to you for throwing yourself into it. Maybe your lack of progress get over xMM is telling you that it's time to focus some energy on other things as well at this stage?

 

That's my best advice... coming from someone who isn't even 2 months out of an A . Thank you for posting and I'm very sorry that you're hurting.

[Poppy47]

i hate to say but you are not NC.

Everytime you check him on Face book you are in contact. YOu haven't let go.

 

Block him which means you have to unblock him to look... it might deter you .

 

You will probably keep thinking. of him for a long time but less if you don't see his FB.

Poppy.

[lemondrop21]

i hate to say but you are not NC.

Everytime you check him on Face book you are in contact. YOu haven't let go.

 

Block him which means you have to unblock him to look... it might deter you .

 

You will probably keep thinking. of him for a long time but less if you don't see his FB.

Poppy.

I think OP said she does not check their facebook

[Alamo657]

I was involved once in an affair as "the other man".

 

The cheating spouse eventually came back to her man (after actually leaving him) because children.

 

I still haven't recovered from it and i think daily about that person despite the no contact.

 

I think affairs are doubly damaging because in the end you're being silently told (or in my case, rather bluntly) that you were not so special, not so great, and that the husband/wife was better than you. You're then being abandonned like all of it was just a dream, it didn't really happen.

 

Or it did, but it took alot out of you, and you're left with nothing but memories that painfully remind you what you have lost.

 

All i can say to you, is be strong, and invest yourself in your hobbies as well as your job, to remember that you're still a good person.

[rie05]

Did you bury yourself in work and keeping busy and still go through the stages of grief and loss? I'm wondering as Satu pointed out.

 

Sorry for your suffering and pain. It is so hard to process the end.

 

I think I did really geive at the time but he made it so worse by coming back round after 6 months behaving the way he did. You can read my previous posts on my story....

 

You're right tho. He was my world before and now I've made my work my world.... I don't know how to move on & trust someone else in my life. I guess I feel like I know at some point I'll hear from him but I deserve so much more...

 

Just to clarify. I do not look at Facebook at all.... Think I'm even scared to look now.

[Satu]

I think I did really geive at the time but he made it so worse by coming back round after 6 months behaving the way he did. You can read my previous posts on my story....

 

You're right tho. He was my world before and now I've made my work my world.... I don't know how to move on & trust someone else in my life. I guess I feel like I know at some point I'll hear from him but I deserve so much more...

 

Just to clarify. I do not look at Facebook at all.... Think I'm even scared to look now.

 

You need to make yourself your world.

 

Not another person.

 

Not a job.

 

You.

[oceansaway]

Sorry for your pain and can understand. The pain is always there. Feeling like I /we weren't the chosen one. However with NC and moving on(trying) you should see that he was NO prize. I could never trust him and would never want what he does to his wife behind her back. It gives me solace

[Lovetoohard]

So sorry that you're going through this pain. It's awful of him to re-appear in your life and make these grand declarations of wanting to be with you with no actions to back it up. In working through your pain, I hope you are able to his true colors. You're incredibly lucky to have dodged a bullet here. He is horribly messed up for trying to drag you back into his warped and toxic world.

 

There is nothing wrong with focusing on your career, especially if it gives you a sense of accomplishment and confidence. And I can understand the reservations about trusting someone new..I feel insecure at times too and fear that I might come across someone who will hurt me to the degree xMM did. That said, you have to continue moving forward with your life and focus on attracting positive and healthy things into your life.

Edited March 6, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[Pili-Pala]

I thought I'd give you all an update on how I feel one year on.....

 

I'm doing this because I just read a thread about how things improve with time....

 

My D-Day was Jan 2015. We went totally no contact until June where he contacted me out of the blue saying he'd made a terrible mistake & actually wanted us to be together...... (once again - this was just words but this time I let his wife know instead of getting pulled back into the "A" bubble....) All hell broke loose and I ended up meeting them both. I left in tears heartbroken....

 

I would like to say that 14 months on I am over him - but I am not. I do not check their FB whatever. We've been 100% no contact since that meeting....

 

Am I over him? Not in the slightest..... I don't think about him like I used to but certainly at least once a day for some reason however small. I'm not sad at all but I feel like I can't open my heart up to anyone else after such an experience. I buried myself within a new career and kept myself busy.

 

Maybe part of me holds on to hope - because I know someday I'll hear from him but maybe it's a blessing in disguise if I never do.

 

 

Oh dear. This isn't giving me much hope for my situation :| However, I think your last line is interesting: "Maybe part of me holds on to hope - because I know someday I'll hear from him"

 

This sounds like to me that you have not chosen to move on from this; even after all this time. It's not that you can't move on, it's that you won't. Making a decision means taking an action. I feel like perhaps the last year you have not actually let go and decided to move on - you have just buried your self in work (or potentially that could read "buried your head in the sand"?) and are still hoping it might change. Do you think that might be the case?

 

I am only 5/6 weeks from d-day and 3/4 days from walking away - but one thing I feel sure of is I have to decide to move on, take ownership of that decision and take action to make it a reality. Your post has gone some way to solidify that for me. Clearly NC goes some way by the sounds of a lot of posts on here - but I think there has to be some other stuff too. Something that will shift your perspective and make that "hope to hear from him" into a "hope never to hear from him" or even better "I feel indifferent as to whether I hear from him or not as it won't change anything for me"... And that's the stuff I have to figure out. Otherwise I could quite easily see myself drifting.... and find myself in a year's time right where I am now only more used to it. As hard as this is right now and as much as I hurt and despite all the million different emotions I feel every ten minutes at the moment - I am determined to look back in a year's time and him to be no more then a lesson learned.

 

Are there steps you can take to decide to move on and open up your heart again? Or do you still just not feel you are there yet? I know everyone's grieving processes and timelines are different....

[Popsicle]

I'm curious what he said when you met with him and his wife in June? Of course, you don't have to answer and relive that if you don't want to, I would understand.

 

I'm also curious about why you think you will hear from him again?

[13Hearts]

I think affairs are doubly damaging because in the end you're being silently told (or in my case, rather bluntly) that you were not so special, not so great, and that the husband/wife was better than you. You're then being abandonned like all of it was just a dream, it didn't really happen.

 

Or it did, but it took alot out of you, and you're left with nothing but memories that painfully remind you what you have lost.

 

But, Alamo, my dear, this is where you are wrong. Your AP did not choose between one man and another. She did not choose him over you. He is no better than you, there never was a competition, and you were never in the running to begin with. There is nothing that you have truly lost, and life can go on much the same as it was before you met WW. And what you think you lost wasn't what you thought it was.

 

The choice your AP made was not between two men; it was a choice between upholding her relationship with her higher power and not upholding her relationship with her higher power. Some may call their higher power "God," and some may call it "Conscience," or "Rightness." No matter what you call it, she made her vows and her promises long ago, and her choice was to uphold those, and make good on those, however much personal sacrifice or heartache she had to make in order to do so.

 

You also were experiencing with her something that, under normal conditions where a relationship is allowed to play out naturally, would just not allow that high, that euphoria, to continue forever. In an affair, the relationship cannot move forward, out of the chasing/dating stage. It is stuck in that stage. You never live with one another, you are never permitted to develop and test normal expectations a person develops in a relationship (and the resultant disappointment, frustration, or anger that occurs when your expectations aren't met). You're stuck in perfect, in-love mode. Stuck in affair fog. You are not missing what you think you are missing, and have not lost anything that all relationships lose over time. That newness, that extreme in-loveness, all those feel good feelings, and the brain chemicals that cause them generally fade after the first 18 months to 2 years in a relationship that is allowed to develop naturally.

 

I have been in many relationships, each having ended in heartbreak. And what I have learned, over time, is that the function of relationships is to provide each and every one of us opportunities to reach out, and grow. There is a positive lesson to be learned from each of our relationships. And every one of those lessons is meant to teach us something about ourselves that we need to learn in order to mature ourselves emotionally. It is too easy to become discouraged, downtrodden, and cynical after a break up, especially one with a married person. But if you look within, if you are courageous and curious, and you seek to learn about yourself, you can conquer the loss you feel, strengthen yourself for next time, and move on bravely, without looking back.

 

What lesson was your relationship with MW meant to bring you?

[Grey Cloud]

But, Alamo, my dear, this is where you are wrong. Your AP did not choose between one man and another. She did not choose him over you. He is no better than you, there never was a competition, and you were never in the running to begin with. There is nothing that you have truly lost, and life can go on much the same as it was before you met WW. And what you think you lost wasn't what you thought it was.

 

The choice your AP made was not between two men; it was a choice between upholding her relationship with her higher power and not upholding her relationship with her higher power. Some may call their higher power "God," and some may call it "Conscience," or "Rightness." No matter what you call it, she made her vows and her promises long ago, and her choice was to uphold those, and make good on those, however much personal sacrifice or heartache she had to make in order to do so.

 

You also were experiencing with her something that, under normal conditions where a relationship is allowed to play out naturally, would just not allow that high, that euphoria, to continue forever. In an affair, the relationship cannot move forward, out of the chasing/dating stage. It is stuck in that stage. You never live with one another, you are never permitted to develop and test normal expectations a person develops in a relationship (and the resultant disappointment, frustration, or anger that occurs when your expectations aren't met). You're stuck in perfect, in-love mode. Stuck in affair fog. You are not missing what you think you are missing, and have not lost anything that all relationships lose over time. That newness, that extreme in-loveness, all those feel good feelings, and the brain chemicals that cause them generally fade after the first 18 months to 2 years in a relationship that is allowed to develop naturally.

 

I have been in many relationships, each having ended in heartbreak. And what I have learned, over time, is that the function of relationships is to provide each and every one of us opportunities to reach out, and grow. There is a positive lesson to be learned from each of our relationships. And every one of those lessons is meant to teach us something about ourselves that we need to learn in order to mature ourselves emotionally. It is too easy to become discouraged, downtrodden, and cynical after a break up, especially one with a married person. But if you look within, if you are courageous and curious, and you seek to learn about yourself, you can conquer the loss you feel, strengthen yourself for next time, and move on bravely, without looking back.

 

What lesson was your relationship with MW meant to bring you?

 

Once again 13hearts you have totally nailed it! I needed to read this today and will continue to re-read it until it sinks in. Thank you!

[13Hearts]

Once again 13hearts you have totally nailed it! I needed to read this today and will continue to re-read it until it sinks in. Thank you!

 

❤❤I must be having a good week Thanks Grey Cloud.

[rie05]

I'm curious what he said when you met with him and his wife in June? Of course, you don't have to answer and relive that if you don't want to, I would understand.

 

I'm also curious about why you think you will hear from him again?

 

To be honest, so much bad feeling had built up between us all. She had been harassing me for 6 months - since DDay

 

He spoke about how he never loved me and practically used me. Prompted by her... (I felt) She belittled me. They had me in tears. I just wanted to tell my side of the story. I think by the end she could see I was genuinely misguided by this man & obviously loved him.

 

He has said some horrific things over time but we had such a connection... I don't think I'd ever felt the same for anyone before. I think that's why I struggle...

 

I don't know. I felt better for a while but as more time passes I guess I realise maybe he wasn't lying in the end?..... It's not like the pain I felt before but it's still there....

[sandylee1]

To be honest, so much bad feeling had built up between us all. She had been harassing me for 6 months - since DDay

 

He spoke about how he never loved me and practically used me. Prompted by her... (I felt) She belittled me. They had me in tears. I just wanted to tell my side of the story. I think by the end she could see I was genuinely misguided by this man & obviously loved him.

 

He has said some horrific things over time but we had such a connection... I don't think I'd ever felt the same for anyone before. I think that's why I struggle...

 

I don't know. I felt better for a while but as more time passes I guess I realise maybe he wasn't lying in the end?..... It's not like the pain I felt before but it's still there....

 

I don't think the two against one was a great idea.

 

It seems he just wanted you back as an OW when he said he made a mistake or he's a wimp and can't leave a marriage he's unhappy in.

 

But I think you know... he'd leave to be with you if that's what he wanted.

 

When you're dealing with a cheater... you just don't know what's truth or lies anymore.