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Overwhelmed - MM has ended our affair


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I think my MM has just ended our affair today for good and I feel totally overwhelmed by a kaleidoscope of emotions that runs from one extreme to the other almost every two minutes - around and around and around. I don't know where else to turn and find myself here.

 

I have read through some of the posts and although I find many of them comforting, I am also finding some of them confusing (and that is not even taking into account that I am struggling to understand a lot of the abbreviations!) and I am starting to find the forum overwhelming in itself and so I thought I would write a thread myself - I hope this is ok. I am not really sure what I am supposed to do.

 

A lot of what I have read on here so far about the end of affairs, it seems to be people who seem to have got it together, I don't know how to get to there. I don't even know where to start. I feel like an idiot and a total cliche. I feel strong that it the best thing for me one minute and then the next I feel so rejected and desperately sad. Please help me.

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I think my MM has just ended our affair today for good and I feel totally overwhelmed by a kaleidoscope of emotions that runs from one extreme to the other almost every two minutes - around and around and around. I don't know where else to turn and find myself here.

 

I have read through some of the posts and although I find many of them comforting, I am also finding some of them confusing (and that is not even taking into account that I am struggling to understand a lot of the abbreviations!) and I am starting to find the forum overwhelming in itself and so I thought I would write a thread myself - I hope this is ok. I am not really sure what I am supposed to do.

 

A lot of what I have read on here so far about the end of affairs, it seems to be people who seem to have got it together, I don't know how to get to there. I don't even know where to start. I feel like an idiot and a total cliche. I feel strong that it the best thing for me one minute and then the next I feel so rejected and desperately sad. Please help me.

Hi. Welcome. So sorry you are hurting. I understand the fluctuating emotions. It's difficult, especially when MM ends it. You feel like you've been rejected for some reason that has something to do with you, but that's not true. It is only to do with him. What you might want to do is start focusing on all the things you disliked about being in an affair w a MM.

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When I say he ended it - I think he put him into a corner...

 

He has been talking about leaving his wife for the past 5 weeks since she found out about our affair - she took him back but he has been telling me he can't stay and he felt he had to leave and be happy.. but its been 5 weeks since then and he is still living there (albeit in another bedroom and they seem to be living almost completely separate lives). He had found a flat to rent last week and told me he was all set to do it - but he never actually went through with putting the deposit down and after another weekend has gone by I confronted him today and after much back and fore of him saying he wanted to leave but he just didn't think he could go through with it, not with kids involved - I eventually asked him if he was saying he wasn't going to leave and he said yes and so I just walked off.

 

I know I need to see this as the end and move on ... but the problem is everyone on here talks about NC and I can't do that. I work with him. He is my boss. We are both very senior in our company and I don't want to leave my job as I love it - and I can't see him leaving. I just can't see how I can get over this when I am seeing him and having to speak to him every single weekday.

 

I am trying to think about all the things I hated about being in an affair with him - but other then the obvious things of him being married to another woman and seeing him so rarely one-on-one and wanting to spend more time with him, there was very little else I didn't like. We were always happy. We were very in love. We never fought. We had quite a lot of contact. I think in many ways the affair sort of suited me. I did want him to leave his wife though, I did want to be with him properly, but I think I knew deep down perhaps that was not the best thing for me. Or maybe I was just fooling myself. All I know is that now I just feel empty and rejected.

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When I say he ended it - I think he put him into a corner...

 

He has been talking about leaving his wife for the past 5 weeks since she found out about our affair - she took him back but he has been telling me he can't stay and he felt he had to leave and be happy.. but its been 5 weeks since then and he is still living there (albeit in another bedroom and they seem to be living almost completely separate lives). He had found a flat to rent last week and told me he was all set to do it - but he never actually went through with putting the deposit down and after another weekend has gone by I confronted him today and after much back and fore of him saying he wanted to leave but he just didn't think he could go through with it, not with kids involved - I eventually asked him if he was saying he wasn't going to leave and he said yes and so I just walked off.

 

I know I need to see this as the end and move on ... but the problem is everyone on here talks about NC and I can't do that. I work with him. He is my boss. We are both very senior in our company and I don't want to leave my job as I love it - and I can't see him leaving. I just can't see how I can get over this when I am seeing him and having to speak to him every single weekday.

 

I am trying to think about all the things I hated about being in an affair with him - but other then the obvious things of him being married to another woman and seeing him so rarely one-on-one and wanting to spend more time with him, there was very little else I didn't like. We were always happy. We were very in love. We never fought. We had quite a lot of contact. I think in many ways the affair sort of suited me. I did want him to leave his wife though, I did want to be with him properly, but I think I knew deep down perhaps that was not the best thing for me. Or maybe I was just fooling myself. All I know is that now I just feel empty and rejected.

 

Yeah, I get it. You can do this, though. You really need to.

 

You sound like me. I think I got involved with XMM because I'm really just sick of being in LTRs. I never get out of them what I put into them. It's really too much bother for me and I have my career. I thought having a MM would be a good choice but turns out no, I want more than just lunches and some late afternoons.

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How long was the affair? How did it start...what is the background why was he seeking affair were you coworkers?

Did he love his wife?

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We had an affair for two years. He was/is unhappy at home - he'd had an affair before (I know I should have seen warning signs!). Yes we work together. I don't know if he loved his wife - I think he did, but I think he wasn't "in love" with her anymore. He says he is not in love with her but obviously I can't really know for sure what he feels, I think part of him must do - but he says it's the kids that keeps him there. Kids and saving face and guilt.

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We had an affair for two years. He was/is unhappy at home - he'd had an affair before (I know I should have seen warning signs!). Yes we work together. I don't know if he loved his wife - I think he did, but I think he wasn't "in love" with her anymore. He says he is not in love with her but obviously I can't really know for sure what he feels, I think part of him must do - but he says it's the kids that keeps him there. Kids and saving face and guilt.

 

You are on a hiding to nothing if you want more out of this relationship.

The worst happened ie dday, - he didn't move out.

He made some noises about moving out but - he didn't move out.

His wife took him back so - he isn't even going to be kicked out.

He is never going to leave.

 

You can't as things stand go NC, but you can put your relationship on a purely professional footing in order to work together.

If I were you, I would start looking for another job, new job, new start, put it all behind you.

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whichwayisup

If his wife knows it's you he's had an A with, chances are she's going to push him to either try to ask for a transfer or quit his job so he won't work with you and see you daily. That is, if he wants to stay married and keep his family intact under one roof.

 

I hope for your sake just go looking and see what else is out there job wise.

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Southern Sun

Unless you take a very strong stand right now or you make a big change, I can likely predict what will happen next:

 

You will spend the next days, weeks, and months (or years!!) getting drawn back in by him, as he tries to get the benefits of your relationship without giving you what you originally wanted. He may lay low for a while (to get past the suspicion of D Day), but if you two are still around each other, he will be back trying to get what he wants while managing down your expectations.

 

(I had an affair with my married boss too...no bueno).

 

I only say this in the hopes that you don't put yourself through that misery. Because it is so easy to get stuck in that cycle thinking, oh, this time it will be different. We are going to be like we used to be. Or in your case - maybe he's finally leaving his wife.

 

For your own sake, if he doesn't leave, I would really encourage you to seek another job. Really really.

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I'm so sorry. Mine was ended today to. I'm reacting much differently then I expected I would and actually having a hard time. I guess I'm not sure what to say except I feel you.

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HappyAgain2014
When I say he ended it - I think he put him into a corner...

 

I am trying to think about all the things I hated about being in an affair with him - but other then the obvious things of him being married to another woman and seeing him so rarely one-on-one and wanting to spend more time with him, there was very little else I didn't like. We were always happy. We were very in love. We never fought. We had quite a lot of contact. I think in many ways the affair sort of suited me. I did want him to leave his wife though, I did want to be with him properly, but I think I knew deep down perhaps that was not the best thing for me. Or maybe I was just fooling myself. All I know is that now I just feel empty and rejected.

 

Watch yourself. Based on your comments above, you're already blaming yourself. The next step will be to settle for an affair with no expectations. Once you compromise yourself and accept the MM is never leaving, it only gets worse.

 

Please don't tell him it was your fault. Don't let him tell you you put too much pressure on him. All is typical and all of it gives him power.

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HappyAgain2014
We had an affair for two years. He was/is unhappy at home - he'd had an affair before (I know I should have seen warning signs!). Yes we work together. I don't know if he loved his wife - I think he did, but I think he wasn't "in love" with her anymore. He says he is not in love with her but obviously I can't really know for sure what he feels, I think part of him must do - but he says it's the kids that keeps him there. Kids and saving face and guilt.

 

They all say its guilt, kids, blah blah.

 

Translation: I don't want everyone to know what a selfish ass I am. I want to keep my money and maintain the status quo.

 

If they felt guilty about their affairs and their kids, why are they spending time away from their kids in bed with an OW?

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If his wife knows it's you he's had an A with, chances are she's going to push him to either try to ask for a transfer or quit his job so he won't work with you and see you daily. That is, if he wants to stay married and keep his family intact under one roof.

 

I hope for your sake just go looking and see what else is out there job wise.

 

 

I really don't want to leave my job. My job is my life! That's probably how I ended up in this affair in first place. If I leave my job then I really will be throwing away everything I have and have worked so hard towards for this man. I have thought about it and I have considered it really hard and looked into a couple of possible options - but I don't have the type of job where I can just walk into another one exactly the same. It's taken me years to get to where I am.

 

 

His wife won't make him leave his job. She says she thinks he would never forgive her if she made him do that. She even sent me a very civilised email about it. All that will happen is he won't be able to go out drinking with work or work events or to work late for a long time - that will be the compromise. As I said he has had an affair before - albeit much shorter and much less full on - and she took him back then too. She thinks it's only been a 3 month thing.

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Unless you take a very strong stand right now or you make a big change, I can likely predict what will happen next:

 

You will spend the next days, weeks, and months (or years!!) getting drawn back in by him, as he tries to get the benefits of your relationship without giving you what you originally wanted. He may lay low for a while (to get past the suspicion of D Day), but if you two are still around each other, he will be back trying to get what he wants while managing down your expectations.

 

(I had an affair with my married boss too...no bueno).

 

I only say this in the hopes that you don't put yourself through that misery. Because it is so easy to get stuck in that cycle thinking, oh, this time it will be different. We are going to be like we used to be. Or in your case - maybe he's finally leaving his wife.

 

For your own sake, if he doesn't leave, I would really encourage you to seek another job. Really really.

 

Yes I did this already. He was going to leave last year, he didn't of course. We broke up for 2 weeks before it started up again. That time I told myself all it was ever going to be was an affair and I was fine. It was he who kept talking about leaving still, it was he who got slack with deleting his texts, took more risks in spending more and more time with me, I honestly think he wanted to get found out. I never once asked him to leave. I never omce gave him an ultimatum. On d-day he left and stayed in a hotel but his children were hysterical and so he moved back into guest room the next day and he we are. He keeps saying he should have left that day and not gone back - but yes, of course he didn't.

 

But you are right - I absolutely know I can't let this happen again. I absolutely know it's a unhealthy relationship and it's stopping me from getting on with my life and finding happiness elsewhere. I know getting back with him last year was a totally idiotic thing to do. I guess the hard part is stopping myself doing that again whilst keeping my job! There has to be a way!! I am a strong person, i can usually cope with anything, do what what needs to be done. But this one has really got me...

 

I do think there is part of me that absolutely believes it's for the best for me, that I probably got a lucky escape, that I probably didn't even want to be with this man properly - I recognise its rejection I am feeling and that's hurting. Rejection and a huge sense of loss. Grief? The temptation when faced with rejection is to fight back against it, the temptation with grief is to get back what you lost. I can't right now see how I can get through this and resist those temptations...

 

...I also can't stop going over and over our relationship in my head which is just annoying!!!!!

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I'm so sorry. Mine was ended today to. I'm reacting much differently then I expected I would and actually having a hard time. I guess I'm not sure what to say except I feel you.

 

Thanks Cappycorny, i am sorry you are hurting :(

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pilipala, just wanted to send you a (((hug)))

 

It is clearly very overwhelming for you at the moment. You come across a little like a rabbit in the headlights - and I totally understand. I think many of us here have been there...some many times.

 

Know that you have come to a place with a lot of wisdom and support. Keep reading and posting here, and there will be lots of great people to support you and point you in the right direction.

 

Everything is like spaghetti in your head at the moment, but it will clarify eventually. Be strong and keep posting to us. There is so much to be learned here and elsewhere on the web about affairs.

 

From the point of view of someone who was in an affair and is now several months past it, to me your situation is screaming out for NC. If you take the initiative now and enforce strict NC (except for civil business exchanges only in work), then that is your quickest path to recovery as things are. As your affair was quite long, recovery will inevitably take many months, possibly over a year. He sounds like a mess, weak and unsure what he really wants. If allowed, he would probably mess you and his wife around for years while he tries to figure out something that he never will (I recognise myself in him a little bit, I'm ashamed to say - but I'm past that now).

 

I think recovery would be even quicker if you could completely avoid contact, but as you work together and presumably live in the same town, I know that is difficult and you have to work with what you've got. There's plenty of advice around for people who have to maintain a business relationship but otherwise want strict NC.

 

For everything non work related, do not talk to him, talk to us!

 

I wish you nothing but the best pilipala. You will be able to stretch your wings with pride again one day. Commit to NC and recovery until then. keep posting here too

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I feel like you are making excuses for not leaving your job.

If you are that senior, you've got a great resume then and your experience will be in demand.

So you either want to keep working with the mm who has chosen his wife in hopes the A can go on or he will change his mind and pick you...or you want a new life and fresh start.

Each day..the wound wont heal..each day you pick the scab, each conversation the wound stays open.

Meanwhile his wife is hurting and watching like a hawk and is humiliated her husband works with his ow each day and theres nothing she can do.

Its sad for all of you.

You should move on, he has children.

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I feel like you are making excuses for not leaving your job.

If you are that senior, you've got a great resume then and your experience will be in demand.

So you either want to keep working with the mm who has chosen his wife in hopes the A can go on or he will change his mind and pick you...or you want a new life and fresh start.

Each day..the wound wont heal..each day you pick the scab, each conversation the wound stays open.

Meanwhile his wife is hurting and watching like a hawk and is humiliated her husband works with his ow each day and theres nothing she can do.

Its sad for all of you.

You should move on, he has children.

 

I must agree with privategal.

Will you really and truely be able to heal and move on when he's right there in front of you?

It seems to me you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of pinning for this very married man. He has his life intact,he has got everything,including a wife that seems to accept some levels of infidelity from him as long as it doesnt threaten their marriage.

This man is not leaving. Ever.

You can start over somewhere else and turn this in to a passing episode in your life,or you can get stuck being in love with him for the next twenty years.

I know it sucks that he gets to keep everything. Unfortunately,that is usually the case.

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Why not look and see what other positions are out there? It could well be a great move as you get a fresh start and to leave it all behind.

 

But if you really love your job then I don't see why you should be the one to leave the company. I would not make my life any harder by making someone else's easier after having been messed around by them. Let him leave.

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You will eventually feel better, but withdrawal is tough. And that is what this is mostly--withdrawal from the highs of the affair, and the back and forth was of your interactions, the ups and downs. Behavioral science tells us that random intermittent reinforcement is the strongest type of all. In other words, you get rewarded during an affair in very insecure, unpredictable ways at times. This messes with your head.

 

My advice is to read the betrayed spouse or affair forum, whatever it is called...read the horror stories about what can happen when you waste years of your life on someone who really doesn't care, or get exposed and lose everything, including the respect of your family and friends. It is not worth it.

 

I was fortunate in that I had an EA and I ended it and confessed to my husband. I am even more fortunate that he forgave me. It took a lot of work and counseling but we came through it. The sick thing is that I still do think of the OM sometimes, but I would never ever start things up again. I realize that thinking of him is like thinking of alcohol when you are addicted, or thinking of that forbidden thing that you want but know you shouldn't have,whether it be chocolate or drugs or spending too much on shoes. I don't even think I like him anymore. I'm just glad I got out when I did, and you will be, too.

 

I get that you don't want to leave your job, and really, you shouldn't have to, but it would be best for you to do so. Do it on your own terms and find something even better. He is toxic and therefore the workplace, is, too. Good luck! Focus on yourself and your own needs. Take care of YOU.

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Southern Sun

I am sorry for your pain. You have every right to take the stance of not leaving your job. You have as much right to it as he does. The problem is, it won't help YOU. Staying in that job, around him, is going to make getting away from this affair and healing you personally very, very difficult.

 

If both of you stay, and especially since his wife does not seem to have firm boundaries or requirements, I would expect that the affair will re-start. I see no real consequences for anyone. Unless this isn't what you want.

 

It really all depends on what you want for yourself. If you don't think this will end well for you, then you should decide how much more of your life you want to donate to it.

 

Hugs to you.

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I understand why you are all telling me I should leave my job. Believe me I do. Heck if I was a friend advising myself I would be saying the exact same thing. But it's really not as simple as that. I work for a market leader. I am top of my game. I am headhunted on a weekly basis and no one can offer me anything near as good as I have. As pathetic as this may sound to some people, all I have is my career. Maybe that is why I am not married and don't have a family.. but I love my job. I really do love it. Why should I give that up? Why should I let him have everything and leave myself with nothing? I won't do that, no way.

 

Also, I know it might sound like I am making excuses (and I know this sounds bad, and I can hear the comments already) but he is genuinely the best boss I have ever had. I completely admire him as a colleague - perhaps this is even how I found myself in this situation in the first place. I really want there to be a way I can get through this and still have my job. If he leaves, he leaves - that is not in my control and I will accept that, but why does it have to be that I have to go? I had a fling with a colleague in the past (not married) which fizzled out (more his side then mine) and we work together now brilliantly. There has to be way I can make this work - especially as I am normally such a strong and adaptable person.

 

I appreciate the comment that I have to stop all contact on a personal level and keep it all on a professional level. I can see that I have to do this. But it is so so hard. I was having such an awful day at work today - everything that could go wrong was going wrong. Normally I would turn to him and it was so hard not to be able to do that. I did cave. I admit it. It was just one cutting comment in an email amongst work related stuff, that I immediately regretted....

 

What I want to know is how can I stop myself from doing that? How can I stop myself from telling him how hurt I am, how badly I think of the way he treated me?

 

I know there is nothing to be gained from it. I know it won't change anything. I know I should have some pride and not let him see how hurt I am but it is so so hard. I honestly think if he had just told me, after he'd moved back into the family home after that one night in a hotel, if he had just told me then he couldn't leave I would have accepted it. I never asked him to leave, I never expected it. I would have held my hands up and thought I knew what I was getting myself into and this is how it goes. But to have spent the last two weeks telling me he was going to leave, finding a flat, putting everything in motion and then not to go through with it - that is unforgivable behaviour. That is just cruel. How do you just accept that someone has treated you like that and that's what it was and move one?

 

I also know that I can't get involved again - I completely agree with that comment! If he comes back to me then I have to be resolute that unless he can show me he has left his wife that there is no "us". But that is going to be tough! I think I need to prepare for it as many of you seem so certain it will happen - and perhaps, as I have said, I have been there before - so how can I make sure I stand by this and not cave?

 

 

I don't understand the comment about "he has kids, move on". I don't accept the fact that kids are a reason to live in misery. I don't have children and so perhaps that is why I will never understand that. But I come from an extended family of "broken" marriages and all the children are happy and successful and have good relationships with both their biological parents. I think its about how you handle the break up of that family - its about love and effort and patience. It can be done.

 

This is also what I find so hard - that he has made this decision that I believe is wrong. He meant a lot to me. We were friends. It's so hard to stand by and watch a friend choose a path that is not right. Even as I type that I think to myself, "but who am I to say what is the right path? I am not in their mind and heart. I can't possibly know what the right path is, only they can"... ok. That is true. But I know he wants to leave. I know he doesn't want to stay in this marriage, he just doesn't have the guts to take that leap of faith. To put that effort in. I agree that it is about him not wanting to reveal himself as the selfish man he is - he would rather keep up the face of a "happy family man" whilst knowing in himself it is all a sham and be miserable. Be a martyr. That is hard to stand on the sidelines and accept. Ok, I can't be responsible for someone else's happiness - no, I can't. I know that. But knowing that doesn't make it easy. It's frustrating. It's infuriating. It's above all desperately sad.

 

 

I am rambling now. But thank you for all your comments and support. I still feel such a mix of emotions - I seem to be running through the full spectrum in ten minute cycles: pain, sadness, anger, hope, relief, confusion, regret, optimism, desperation, longing, loss.... but truly thank you for being there and for all your words. Even if at the moment, in my current mindset, I can't see the wood for the trees.

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I don't think you should leave your job. You've worked hard to be where you are now and he is not worth it of you sacrificing your efforts for him.

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I understand why you are all telling me I should leave my job. Believe me I do. Heck if I was a friend advising myself I would be saying the exact same thing. But it's really not as simple as that. I work for a market leader. I am top of my game. I am headhunted on a weekly basis and no one can offer me anything near as good as I have. As pathetic as this may sound to some people, all I have is my career. Maybe that is why I am not married and don't have a family.. but I love my job. I really do love it. Why should I give that up? Why should I let him have everything and leave myself with nothing? I won't do that, no way.

 

Also, I know it might sound like I am making excuses (and I know this sounds bad, and I can hear the comments already) but he is genuinely the best boss I have ever had. I completely admire him as a colleague - perhaps this is even how I found myself in this situation in the first place. I really want there to be a way I can get through this and still have my job. If he leaves, he leaves - that is not in my control and I will accept that, but why does it have to be that I have to go? I had a fling with a colleague in the past (not married) which fizzled out (more his side then mine) and we work together now brilliantly. There has to be way I can make this work - especially as I am normally such a strong and adaptable person.

 

I appreciate the comment that I have to stop all contact on a personal level and keep it all on a professional level. I can see that I have to do this. But it is so so hard. I was having such an awful day at work today - everything that could go wrong was going wrong. Normally I would turn to him and it was so hard not to be able to do that. I did cave. I admit it. It was just one cutting comment in an email amongst work related stuff, that I immediately regretted....

 

What I want to know is how can I stop myself from doing that? How can I stop myself from telling him how hurt I am, how badly I think of the way he treated me?

 

I know there is nothing to be gained from it. I know it won't change anything. I know I should have some pride and not let him see how hurt I am but it is so so hard. I honestly think if he had just told me, after he'd moved back into the family home after that one night in a hotel, if he had just told me then he couldn't leave I would have accepted it. I never asked him to leave, I never expected it. I would have held my hands up and thought I knew what I was getting myself into and this is how it goes. But to have spent the last two weeks telling me he was going to leave, finding a flat, putting everything in motion and then not to go through with it - that is unforgivable behaviour. That is just cruel. How do you just accept that someone has treated you like that and that's what it was and move one?

 

I also know that I can't get involved again - I completely agree with that comment! If he comes back to me then I have to be resolute that unless he can show me he has left his wife that there is no "us". But that is going to be tough! I think I need to prepare for it as many of you seem so certain it will happen - and perhaps, as I have said, I have been there before - so how can I make sure I stand by this and not cave?

 

 

I don't understand the comment about "he has kids, move on". I don't accept the fact that kids are a reason to live in misery. I don't have children and so perhaps that is why I will never understand that. But I come from an extended family of "broken" marriages and all the children are happy and successful and have good relationships with both their biological parents. I think its about how you handle the break up of that family - its about love and effort and patience. It can be done.

 

This is also what I find so hard - that he has made this decision that I believe is wrong. He meant a lot to me. We were friends. It's so hard to stand by and watch a friend choose a path that is not right. Even as I type that I think to myself, "but who am I to say what is the right path? I am not in their mind and heart. I can't possibly know what the right path is, only they can"... ok. That is true. But I know he wants to leave. I know he doesn't want to stay in this marriage, he just doesn't have the guts to take that leap of faith. To put that effort in. I agree that it is about him not wanting to reveal himself as the selfish man he is - he would rather keep up the face of a "happy family man" whilst knowing in himself it is all a sham and be miserable. Be a martyr. That is hard to stand on the sidelines and accept. Ok, I can't be responsible for someone else's happiness - no, I can't. I know that. But knowing that doesn't make it easy. It's frustrating. It's infuriating. It's above all desperately sad.

 

 

I am rambling now. But thank you for all your comments and support. I still feel such a mix of emotions - I seem to be running through the full spectrum in ten minute cycles: pain, sadness, anger, hope, relief, confusion, regret, optimism, desperation, longing, loss.... but truly thank you for being there and for all your words. Even if at the moment, in my current mindset, I can't see the wood for the trees.

 

I feel for you. My XMM was not my direct boss but he was more senior to me and we worked very closely together. I would also say I admired him and he was a very good friend. But towards the end of the A I started to see more of his "true colors" at work - a tendency to lie etc. before then I was pretty much blinded to his faults! I also love my job and didn't want to leave. In the end he was the one that left.

 

All I can say is that it is going to be extremely TOUGH on you working that closely with him. In fact it will be torture. You will go to work each day telling yourself you can do this and you can be strong. But then you will see him or hear his voice and your resolve will waver. He'll send you an email asking how you are and it will be near on impossible not to get sucked back in. It will continue to be an emotional up and down rollercoaster and he will continue to go home to his wife at the end of each day.

 

I know you don't want to leave your job and I completely understand. I was the same. I didn't want my xMM to leave work either. I was fully in a bargaining stage with myself towards the end thinking I still want to be able to see him at work and have him in my life in some capacity even if we can't be together. I have come to the realisation recently that having him out of my life fully, with no constant triggers is the ONLY way forwards. Away from the hurt, the pain and the guilt. It's still a work in progress for me and I have a LONG way to go. But things will never be the same for you again at work now that this has happened. You will always be longing or wanting something different. And your MM will continue to give you the odd high but will continue to disappoint and frustrate you. I wish you all the best and hope LS can be of some help to you!

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dbruster0902

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. You aren't alone. I too am the other woman and my MW (yes fell in love with my same sex best friend!) ended it. I'm a mess. It's been ended for months, but the problem is we keep flirting and kind of get back then end it again. Well, it's been pretty much done for a while now. It's so hard. I will have to say this week does feel a little easier then last. I guess keep distractions at the forefront. Try to find some of the things you don't like about MM and dwell on those so that you don't just think about the good things. It will get better. Just know you aren't alone.

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