Celebrating the end

[Grey Cloud]

I just cracked open a bottle of champagne, poured myself a glass and toasted myself on the end of the affair.

 

The end of the toxic relationship, the obsessive thoughts, the craziness, the jealousy of his wife, the end of checking my phone constantly for messages. THE END!

 

I toasted the looking forward to my return to 'normality', the return of me and not some emotional wreck where I don't even recognise myself. A focus on my husband and my marriage knowing I will NEVER get myself into this type of situation again. The knowledge that I have learnt some serious lessons from all of this and the grass is NOT greener on the other side.

 

I know I will have bad days and days I will feel sad. But I am feeling more peaceful and more hopeful then I have in months. That I WILL recover from this and be a better person for it.

 

He has been deleted in every way possible. Blocked from my phone and Facebook. We have agreed to never contact each other again.

 

Time to move forwards and not look backwards!

 

Would love to hear what other people are looking forward to burying from the past and what they are excited about moving to a new future if your affair has ended.

[Popsicle]

Celebrating? Lol

 

I don't know if it's cause to celebrate, but having a cocktail is always nice.

[Grey Cloud]

Celebrating? Lol

 

I don't know if it's cause to celebrate, but having a cocktail is always nice.

 

It was either celebrating or continuing to be in denial and wallow in sadness!

 

Maybe I'll have a cocktail as well

[jenkins95]

Congratulations Grey Cloud, and welcome to the next phase of your life. It may be difficult at first and, as you said, you probably will have bad days, but you have made a big decision - the right one! You are moving your life in the right direction. You can now look forward to honesty, peace, calm, authentic love, happiness, recovery and much more, while waving goodbye to paranoia, sneaking around, worrying, guilt, anxiety and so many other negatives.

 

Of course, it's not easy! You also have to let go of something that meant a lot to you, gave you incredible highs, a deep connection, excitement. But as most of us who have been in affairs find out, the costs end up far outweighing any positives and to allow ourselves to enter a relationship while already in one is just plain wrong on all levels.

 

Can you tell us a little about your A? How long it lasted, how you felt at the beginning, during, end, how it eventually ended, did you have a D-Day, etc. Or perhaps you have already posted about this? I have been away from LS for a while, so I will search around a little after I post this to find your other posts if there are any.

 

I was the MM in an A of over a year. I am several months down the line of NC now and it has been a real roller-coaster! Ending it was agony, even when I knew it was the only thing to do and then the first couple of months or so afterwards were very hard and I thought I would never get over my AP. I felt like a part of me was missing. However, I am starting to find that the good days are now out numbering the bad days and that I can usually push my thoughts of her away. I hope she is recovering too and moves on with her life. Ironically today and yesterday are bad days and I find myself pining for her a lot and romanticising our times together, hence I am here I guess! But I do recognise it for what it is - a blip. No doubt I will have blips for many years, but as long as I have more happy days than unhappy days, increasingly so over time, and can be a good husband and father to my family, then that is all I can ask for. It is also natural to romanticise the good times when the A is over. It helps to remind myself that it wasn't all flowers and champagne - the sleepless, tortured, troubled nights, the sneaking around, the pain, the guilt, the confusion, the depression - they were also a part of it, increasingly, and they are not so romantic!

 

Like you, I will never ever allow myself to do something so stupid again. I almost can't believe that I slipped so easily into an A after what felt like a few innocent conversations with a nice, friendly, interesting person. And I was in love before I even realised it and then it began to take over and control me and my AP. I have learned so much about human nature and life from this experience - the hard way unfortunately. But like you, I am looking forward to concentrating on my family and making up for the wrong I have done. You have a great attitude and strength in your post - you will do it!

 

All the very best Grey Cloud - you did it girl and I know it's not easy! Proud of you. (((HUGS)))

Edited February 12, 2016 by jenkins95

[Forceawakensme]

Good for you!

 

What a fantastic attitude. Nothing wrong with a little ceremony to mark the end. Doesn't mean its not going to be difficult and that many days will be painful but you have the right attitude moving forward.

 

Congratulations on deleting everything, this is a new phase, a new you. Onwards and upwards!

[Gigi2015]

Congrats Grey Cloud!!!

 

You are taking the bull by the horns. You are brave and smart. []

 

....These are all good things. I think celebrating is paramount! I'm toasting to you! You care about you....that is indeed a cause for celebration.

Edited February 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Grey Cloud]

Congratulations Grey Cloud, and welcome to the next phase of your life. It may be difficult at first and, as you said, you probably will have bad days, but you have made a big decision - the right one! You are moving your life in the right direction. You can now look forward to honesty, peace, calm, authentic love, happiness, recovery and much more, while waving goodbye to paranoia, sneaking around, worrying, guilt, anxiety and so many other negatives.

 

Of course, it's not easy! You also have to let go of something that meant a lot to you, gave you incredible highs, a deep connection, excitement. But as most of us who have been in affairs find out, the costs end up far outweighing any positives and to allow ourselves to enter a relationship while already in one is just plain wrong on all levels.

 

Can you tell us a little about your A? How long it lasted, how you felt at the beginning, during, end, how it eventually ended, did you have a D-Day, etc. Or perhaps you have already posted about this? I have been away from LS for a while, so I will search around a little after I post this to find your other posts if there are any.

 

I was the MM in an A of over a year. I am several months down the line of NC now and it has been a real roller-coaster! Ending it was agony, even when I knew it was the only thing to do and then the first couple of months or so afterwards were very hard and I thought I would never get over my AP. I felt like a part of me was missing. However, I am starting to find that the good days are now out numbering the bad days and that I can usually push my thoughts of her away. I hope she is recovering too and moves on with her life. Ironically today and yesterday are bad days and I find myself pining for her a lot and romanticising our times together, hence I am here I guess! But I do recognise it for what it is - a blip. No doubt I will have blips for many years, but as long as I have more happy days than unhappy days, increasingly so over time, and can be a good husband and father to my family, then that is all I can ask for. It is also natural to romanticise the good times when the A is over. It helps to remind myself that it wasn't all flowers and champagne - the sleepless, tortured, troubled nights, the sneaking around, the pain, the guilt, the confusion, the depression - they were also a part of it, increasingly, and they are not so romantic!

 

Like you, I will never ever allow myself to do something so stupid again. I almost can't believe that I slipped so easily into an A after what felt like a few innocent conversations with a nice, friendly, interesting person. And I was in love before I even realised it and then it began to take over and control me and my AP. I have learned so much about human nature and life from this experience - the hard way unfortunately. But like you, I am looking forward to concentrating on my family and making up for the wrong I have done. You have a great attitude and strength in your post - you will do it!

 

All the very best Grey Cloud - you did it girl and I know it's not easy! Proud of you. (((HUGS)))

 

Thank you, you almost made me cry - in a good way!

 

My affair was with a MM co-worker that lasted a year. It was mainly an emotional affair but we were physical also. There was no D-Day although his wife was very suspicious. It ended because he found another job. If that hadn't of happened I think it would have been a lot harder to end. But you are right, the negatives were starting to outweigh the positives.

 

In the beginning I felt alive and it was an amazing feeling. We tried putting a stop to it or "scaling back" several times but seeing each other every day at work only ended up increasing the intensity of the situation. Towards the end I became a mess. Analysing everything he said, stalking him and his wife on Facebook, I was so up and down, it was horrible.

 

I am glad to hear that you have come out of the other side and are focusing on your family. It's good to hear you still have hard days as I know I will be the same. But coming here for support is the best way to stay strong! Thank you again!

[imsosad]

Cheers!

Things will get better now.

I have ended my affair 7+ months ago and it is one of the best decisions i ever made. Not gonna lie to you, this year has been rough.

i accept this difficult time as a fair consequence for my poor judgement.

The part that is hardest for me to overcome is the guilt and the shame. Right after i went nc i felt like i got myself back,but it was temporary relief. I still struggle withbeing very angry and disappointed in myself. I feel tainted, like i'm missing something inside. I just miss the good opinion i had of myself. I feel enormous guilt towards my husband. It is not fading.

I now look back on the affair and can not believe my eyes. Seriously,what was i thinking?

The toxicity of it, the pain, the conflicting emotions, the dissonance,the lying,the spiral, the constant edge...it has been the worst experience of my life. I will never ever entangle myself this way again, not for the world.

All the destruction and dysfunction,it gets to you.

My thinking was so distorted that at point i felt like something was wrong with me that i couldnt enjoy it and was in constant turmoil.

I wish you the best of luck. You are going to be just fine!

No more drama,pain,deception, fog.

Lets promise ourselves to always stay real and true to ourselves. Dignity first,the rest follows.

[jenkins95]

Grey Cloud!

 

Thank you too - now I'm almost in tears - again, in a nice way! You are right, this place is great! I was feeling very low today, but having read a few posts, and especially interacting with you has really cheered me up! When I first joined here in absolute turmoil last summer, the support I got was incredible and helped to steer me in the right direction and retain my sanity. I got a few slaps in the face too of course, which I deserved - I was a cheat, after all and many people, perhaps especially those who have been betrayed themselves, don't see much further than that, which I totally understand. But it was the positive, constructive comments and the lovely warm people - people like you - that really helped me.

 

I really relate to what you say. It's amazing how an A gathers an energy and momentum and force of it's own. In my A, it felt like we were in control for no more than a few days before the force of the A itself took over and started demanding more and more of both of us. We were very careful to explain to each other that we had partners and that we had to be careful not to go too far - but we were weak and naive and it was just words. We plunged deeper and deeper into a fully blown A like an out of control train. Like you, we tried to stop or scale back, but it was useless. We became hungry, needy and greedy, and it's amazing how, each time the A passes a new level or threshold, you cannot return to the stage before, even if you want to.

 

My recovery and our recovery as a family is going very positively. I am getting the the point where I can look my wife in the eye again without feeling shame and self-disgust. And we are beginning to reconnect. Yes, I do still have bad days, and I thought today was going to be particularly low - you know that 'Oh no!' feeling when you first wake up and come back 'on-line'. But coming here has helped so much. You realise that you are not alone and we are like a community here, all wanting the best for each other. I loved reading your post this morning - it made me smile. It was full of hope and bravery and determination. But I think what really got me was that I could sense and feel a little vulnerability and uncertainty behind the courageous words and a need for comfort, support and reassurance in the face of such a daunting time in your life. It was absolutely beautiful - it makes you so human and I relate to it so much.

 

I wish you nothing but happiness. I will look out for you posts and know that I am rooting for you. You have the perfect attitude and determination to make as quick a recovery as possible. And if you wake up some mornings and feel that you are back at square one (like me these past two days), don't let it floor you. Know that you are not really back at square one but that it is just part of the process, and that you have a wonderful future ahead once you get through the difficult early days.

 

Have a great day and thanks for bringing some sunshine into mine!

 

Keep posting!

[yodelwithyu]

And I was in love before I even realised it and then it began to take over and control me and my AP.

 

Can I just say thank you and hallelujah. It is refreshing to see a former MM (MOM?) say that they were in love. I am not saying it is good or bad, if it worked out or it didn't, or it is more or less than for your spouse. But I find it so crazy that it is always deemed not love in an A. Like no one could ever fall in love just because they are committed already. Life happens. I am so happy that you are happy with your family, but I am also happy that you aren't a rugsweeper being all "it was never love...I thought I was, but HELL NO, it was the fog" about it. I mean, I am sure it is like that for a lot of MPs, but surely not all that chose to reconcile??

 

Anyway, not so much for the declaration of love, but thank you for your honesty. And I hope your bad days become less and less very soon.

[jenkins95]

Cheers!

Things will get better now.

I have ended my affair 7+ months ago and it is one of the best decisions i ever made. Not gonna lie to you, this year has been rough.

i accept this difficult time as a fair consequence for my poor judgement.

The part that is hardest for me to overcome is the guilt and the shame. Right after i went nc i felt like i got myself back,but it was temporary relief. I still struggle withbeing very angry and disappointed in myself. I feel tainted, like i'm missing something inside. I just miss the good opinion i had of myself. I feel enormous guilt towards my husband. It is not fading.

I now look back on the affair and can not believe my eyes. Seriously,what was i thinking?

The toxicity of it, the pain, the conflicting emotions, the dissonance,the lying,the spiral, the constant edge...it has been the worst experience of my life. I will never ever entangle myself this way again, not for the world.

All the destruction and dysfunction,it gets to you.

My thinking was so distorted that at point i felt like something was wrong with me that i couldnt enjoy it and was in constant turmoil.

I wish you the best of luck. You are going to be just fine!

No more drama,pain,deception, fog.

Lets promise ourselves to always stay real and true to ourselves. Dignity first,the rest follows.

 

Great post imsosad. I completely relate to everything you say. You have excellently illustrated the way we become out of control, spiralling into the fog and losing our perspective on life. So many negative emotions but we desperately cling on, needy for our addiction, even though we are almost never 'happy' any more.

 

I knew nothing about As before I had one - they were just seedy things that 'bad' people had as far as I was concerned. I now wince at my own naivety - I was already 40! I only came on the forums when my own A had got to the point where it was destroying us, and for the first time I get to learn the details of other As. I was utterly stunned at how similar so many of us are - many posts I could have written myself, and it really affected me. I had thought that my A was special, unique, but when I examined my affair in the light of this forum, I realised I ticked the box for just about every affair cliche going! Whilst every A is unique in its circumstances, the general flow of events, time lines, emotions, feelings, anxieties and the complete mess and fog we get in to the point that we don't know left from right, can be so incredibly similar - and hence predictable.

 

Like you, I accept that it will take a long time to feel normal again. The greater part of 2015 was spent in the turmoil of the A itself and the horror of discoveries and having to make very important decisions when my head was all over the place. I am expecting the whole of 2016 to be a recovery year. Building and strengthening myself and my family bonds and re-connecting, and being able to look at myself in the mirror again. I hope that by the next time I put the Christmas tree up, I may be feeling almost myself again!

 

Good luck imsosad and everyone else who reads this. Day by day we will get there together. Hugs to you

Edited February 12, 2016 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Can I just say thank you and hallelujah. It is refreshing to see a former MM (MOM?) say that they were in love. I am not saying it is good or bad, if it worked out or it didn't, or it is more or less than for your spouse. But I find it so crazy that it is always deemed not love in an A. Like no one could ever fall in love just because they are committed already. Life happens. I am so happy that you are happy with your family, but I am also happy that you aren't a rugsweeper being all "it was never love...I thought I was, but HELL NO, it was the fog" about it. I mean, I am sure it is like that for a lot of MPs, but surely not all that chose to reconcile??

 

Anyway, not so much for the declaration of love, but thank you for your honesty. And I hope your bad days become less and less very soon.

 

Hi yodelwithyu!

 

Thank you for what you say! I am really glad that you have written actually because I read your thread and other posts yesterday with much interest, but just haven't had time to write. I will have a lot to say about your excellent posts in the next few days. But for now, I just want to confirm that yes, I was (and if I am being honest probably still am) in love with my AP. Head over heels! She could have told me that blue was red and I would have believed her! I am not proud of it and I never went looking for it, but I am certainly not going to deny it because it was real and I had never felt so alive.

 

Did I also love my wife? Yes, although I lost site of it in the insanity of the A! And I am living proof that you can love more than one person at once. The love I had for my AP was the crazy, wild, needy, insatiable, selfish love. And of course, when you have that, the more mature, unconditional love that has built up over decades with your spouse can pale into insignificance in the heat of the affair fog. Having said that, I always knew it was wrong and so, so selfish of me and that I was risking destroying lives, including my wife and children. I knew I had to end the A, but I had to dig so, so deep into my reserves and get so much support and validation on here and other forums and articles to build up the strength to do it, and the process of ending it dragged on for several dark agonising weeks. In my heart I couldn't believe that I could get over her, but I simply had to have faith in the logic of what so many other people had written, including professional psychotherapists, that we do come out of the fog and we do recover. I feel that I have made the first few steps in that direction, but that there is a long way to go!

 

I hope you are well today. Looking forward to reading more of your posts soon.

Edited February 12, 2016 by jenkins95

[Grey Cloud]

Like you, I accept that it will take a long time to feel normal again. The greater part of 2015 was spent in the turmoil of the A itself and the horror of discoveries and having to make very important decisions when my head was all over the place. I am expecting the whole of 2016 to be a recovery year. Building and strengthening myself and my family bonds and re-connecting, and being able to look at myself in the mirror again. I hope that by the next time I put the Christmas tree up, I may be feeling almost myself again!

 

Jenkins - I am totally with you for hopefully feeling back to our normal selves come Christmas! Christmas 2015 was horrible for me. I felt totally disconnected and was pining and obsessing over my affair partner as we couldn't be together for the holidays. It should have been a happy time with my husband and kids but I was totally miserable whilst feigning enthusiasm on the outside.

 

What I realised is that even though it was the highest of highs at the beginning of my A, I had slowly spiralled downwards into me completely losing my sense of self and no longer being 'happy'. I was desperately trying to hold on to the A to restore my happiness but becoming more and more of an emotional mess as time dragged on.

 

You are very perceptive noting a sense of vulnerability and uncertainty in my words of determination! I am totally scared deep down but know this is the ONLY way forward for my sanity, self esteem and relationship with my husband. Please keep posting as well so we can all stay strong for each other!

Edited February 12, 2016 by Grey Cloud

[jenkins95]

Grey Cloud

 

Another great post! Some quick responses below!

 

Jenkins - I am totally with you for hopefully feeling back to our normal selves come Christmas!

 

We WILL have a Merry Christmas 2016 - deal? I've got an idea - let's have a little Christmas party on here on Christmas Eve - everyone who contributes to this thread is welcome! Let's have a glass of wine, a mince pie and celebrate finding the right path and discuss our ongoing recoveries! If no one else remembers, I will re-start this thread myself on Christmas Eve......I hope you can make it!

 

Christmas 2015 was horrible for me. I felt totally disconnected and was pining and obsessing over my affair partner as we couldn't be together for the holidays. It should have been a happy time with my husband and kids but I was totally miserable whilst feigning enthusiasm on the outside.

 

I could have written this myself (although I was even worse around Sep-Oct - totally lost in my own self-pity). I felt awful feigning enthusiasm as my kids opened their presents and pretending that I couldn't wait to get stuck into the turkey dinner, when really I had no appetite at all. Luckily we had lots of guests in different rooms, so no one really noticed that I kept sneaking off to have some time alone and let the odd tear fall.

 

Although I was with my kids, I wasn't really 'with' my kids, losing myself in my thoughts and the Internet. I remember feeling very guilty when my son said, 'Dad, why are you always on your phone?' I should have been a pivotal part if my kids' Christmas day, but I was emotionally absent. My son noticed it and that hurt and made me full of shame.

 

What I realised is that even though it was the highest of highs at the beginning of my A, I had slowly spiralled downwards into me completely losing my sense of self and no longer being 'happy'. I was desperately trying to hold on to the A to restore my happiness but becoming more and more of an emotional mess as time dragged on.

 

Again, I relate 100%. I know that it has taken great strength to pull yourself back from the depths. It may not feel like it now, but you've come so far even to get to where you are today. You WILL get better. It WILL hurt less! It really will. You just need to get your hormones and neural pathways sorted out, which happens naturally with time and the right attitude! You have made a fantastic, very positive start.

 

You are very perceptive noting a sense of vulnerability and uncertainty in my words of determination! I am totally scared deep down but know this is the ONLY way forward for my sanity, self esteem and relationship with my husband. Please keep posting as well so we can all stay strong for each other!

 

Oh Grey Cloud, your fear and vulnerability leapt straight out at me when I read your post from behind your brave words - and you do write so nicely and expressively, exposing the lovely real person that you are. As I said, it was absolutely beautiful to feel that in you and it is completely normal and to be expected considering what you have been through. I actually saw myself in you. In fact your post was just the tonic I needed this morning - your determination has rubbed off on me and I am so grateful. I also knew that ending my A was the ONLY way forward if I wasn't going to destroy multiple lives including, ultimately that of my AP and myself. But that didn't stop me being hurt, scared and heart-broken....and even, shamefully, resentful of my family (I know how disgusting that is, but I want to be honest). At first, it felt like I had lost my right arm not having her constant messages and attention. It still hurts, and sometimes a lot - but not so often, and some days are genuinely good, which I wouldn't have believed possible 4 months ago.

 

One important thing I have learned is that recovery, whilst in general moving in a positive direction, is not necessarily linear day by day. One mistake I made was celebrating too much internally when I had my first good day (or at least my first day that was not a complete nightmare from beginning to end ;-) ) I foolishly told myself that I was better and so it was a major set back when I woke up a few days later full of doubts and worries and having to fight the urge to send my AP a message (thankfully I resisted). I have now learned that recovery does in general move in the right direction, but there are peaks and troughs and to just accept the troughs and deal with them when they come. Indulge the unpleasant thoughts a little bit, but do not obsess over them. The last 48 hours has been a trough for me, but I feel better, largely due to my visiting here and feeling such empathy from and for people like you.

 

Yes, let's keep posting!

Edited February 12, 2016 by jenkins95

[imsosad]

Jenkins95,thank you so much for your lovely posts.

I read every word you wrote and nodded in agreement.

Yes, i also thought affairs were for sketchy people. Yes, my affair spiraled so quickly i didnt even grasp what was happening.

I also remember first reading about affairs and feeling quite shocked. Here i was with my extraordinary experience and well...it was quite common. It also said everywhere that affairs end,and end badly. It did not register at first. I kept looking for happy stories and found more pain and destruction.

I was also very much in love with my ap. I never stopped loving my H. . A part of me is maybe still kind of hung on my ap,even though i managed to block his recent break on nc. It just isnt worth it. Besides, i do feel like i love my H even more now.

It is hard getting back on track emotionally. I really want to feel like my old self, but i dont know if i ever will. This experience jolted me and its hard finding balance again.i wish i could just do 2015 over...

Jenkins, does your wife know about the A?

I ended mine after four months, were not found out.

I never told my husband. There is no threat of me ever straying again and i dont want to hurt him. Otoh, it is a huge burden.

I am inviting myself to grey clouds xmas party

Hopefully,we will all by then be happier and more at peace

[whichwayisup]

Celebrating? Lol

 

I don't know if it's cause to celebrate, but having a cocktail is always nice.

 

Why isn't it a cause to celebrate? Going complete NC and making it impossible for exMM to reach her is a good thing - For her! It's a new beginning, a chance to heal in a healthy way and take total control back of her life.

[Lovetoohard]

Grey Cloud,

 

I think you should change your handle to "Blue Skies!" I am raising my imaginary champagne flute to toast your freedom!

 

I used to work with my XMM too and couldn't fully move on until after I left the job, which was about 3 months ago. Even after, he contacted me a few times and the last conversation with him was a exactly a month ago.

 

Like Jenkins articulated, the first few weeks were spent in pure agony and despair. But as time wore on, I was able to get stronger and in spite of contact from him, I was regaining my old self. In fact, I think on some level, I didn't want to block him because I wanted to work on testing and strengthening my boundaries by actively resisting him. I also wanted him to realize that he didn't have a hold on me anymore. We are also in a professionally tight knit circle and I wanted to maintain a certain, in-control image where I appeared detached emotionally and could maintain contact on a professional, career related manner. I used to be a strong, emotionally even keeled, moral, and confident woman and I had lost myself. I am pretty embarrassed at how deep I was in it. There are things I said and did that anybody who really knows me would be shocked at. I am not the kind of person that loses control.

 

So, to answer your question, what I am burying post affair? A version of myself that I never want to see again. What do I look forward to? Clarity, peace, openness to love, respect, and finding joy and positivity in everyday things.

 

Cheers!

Edited February 12, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[Gigi2015]

Cheers!

Things will get better now.

I have ended my affair 7+ months ago and it is one of the best decisions i ever made. Not gonna lie to you, this year has been rough.

i accept this difficult time as a fair consequence for my poor judgement.

The part that is hardest for me to overcome is the guilt and the shame. Right after i went nc i felt like i got myself back,but it was temporary relief. I still struggle withbeing very angry and disappointed in myself. I feel tainted, like i'm missing something inside. I just miss the good opinion i had of myself. I feel enormous guilt towards my husband. It is not fading.

I now look back on the affair and can not believe my eyes. Seriously,what we as i thinking?

The toxicity of it, the pain, the conflicting emotions, the dissonance,the lying,the spiral, the constant edge...it has been the worst experience of my life. I will never ever entangle myself this way again, not for the world.

All the destruction and dysfunction,it gets to you.

My thinking was so distorted that at point i felt like something was wrong with me that i couldnt enjoy it and was in constant turmoil.

I wish you the best of luck. You are going to be just fine!

No more drama,pain,deception, fog.

Lets promise ourselves to always stay real and true to ourselves. Dignity first,the rest follows.

 

 

Don't be so hard on yourself!!! Would you ever forgive anyone in your shoes? I bet you would...I you'd still think that person can still be a great person right?? Guess what..Leo are you!! Cut yourself some slack...HUGS!!!

[imsosad]

Thank you,Gigi, for your kind words.

Ver much needed and appriciated.

[Gigi2015]

Thank you,Gigi, for your kind words.

Ver much needed and appriciated.

 

I'm not an OW or BS but I'm still a person with perception that we are human....we tend to err...I still think you're beautiful...don't lose sight of yourself.

[Grey Cloud]

Jenkins - thank you for letting me know recovery is not necessarily linear. That is important to realize so I don't beat myself too much on the bad days. I am looking forward to having more good days than bad days hopefully sooner rather than later!

 

I'm totally coming to the LS Christmas Eve party! It will be awesome to see how much we have all recovered.

[sammy7111]

Hopeful you husband wasn't leave you before then

How did he deal with you throw all those times.what where some of lays you told him

[jenkins95]

Jenkins95,thank you so much for your lovely posts.

I read every word you wrote and nodded in agreement.

Yes, i also thought affairs were for sketchy people. Yes, my affair spiraled so quickly i didnt even grasp what was happening.

I also remember first reading about affairs and feeling quite shocked. Here i was with my extraordinary experience and well...it was quite common. It also said everywhere that affairs end,and end badly. It did not register at first. I kept looking for happy stories and found more pain and destruction.

I was also very much in love with my ap. I never stopped loving my H. . A part of me is maybe still kind of hung on my ap,even though i managed to block his recent break on nc. It just isnt worth it. Besides, i do feel like i love my H even more now.

It is hard getting back on track emotionally. I really want to feel like my old self, but i dont know if i ever will. This experience jolted me and its hard finding balance again.i wish i could just do 2015 over...

Jenkins, does your wife know about the A?

I ended mine after four months, were not found out.

I never told my husband. There is no threat of me ever straying again and i dont want to hurt him. Otoh, it is a huge burden.

I am inviting myself to grey clouds xmas party

Hopefully,we will all by then be happier and more at peace

 

Hi imsosad

 

How are you doing today? I'm really glad that my posts yesterday were useful for you - it's lovely what you say. I have also red a lot of your posts, on many threads and find myself nodding in agreement with virtually everything you say. In the turmoil and confusion and uncertainty that we experience after an affair, it really is wonderful to find like-minded people to support each other, discuss things with and to reinforce that we are doing the right things for the right reasons.

 

And yes, it really does come as something of a shock when we come here for advice, learn about other people's experiences and realise that our affair is really just another affair one in a huge sea of affairs - unique in its own way but also following very similar patterns as so many others. It often strikes me how often things come to a head after the year mark. It seems very common that intense affairs get to the point after about a year where feelings, emotions, stress, guilt, confusion have got to the level where it is unbearable and big decisions have to be made. I know that there are exceptions to this - yours was 4 months, and others are several years, but I have noticed that the year mark is often critical. It also came as a shock to learn that very few relationships work out where the APs leave their spouses and marry. Some studies and articles that I have read put the figure as low as around 2-3%. I'm not sure I believe it is quite that low and there may well be some bias in these articles from people who believe that you should stick by your marriage through thick and thin, but I am equally sure that the failure rate is high given the baggage that those relationships start with.

 

To answer your question, yes - my wife did find out. I feel such shame even typing it. Her reaction floored me - but what did I expect? I don't really know what I expected. I was so in the fog that I think I was expecting a cliched response - to be shouted at, maybe to be hit a few times and then to be thrown out of the house, my clothes following in black bags - that would have made things nice and easy for me in my selfish, distorted state of mind. But what actually happened changed me as a person in that moment and I suddenly saw the reality of what I was doing. My wife simply collapsed in pain. I've never seen a human being so completely destroyed in one moment. She couldn't eat or sleep for days and just lay down trembling. Then the difficlut convesations started and we vasically talked about nothing else for 2 motnsh, each conversatiuon drwoning me in guiklt and shame and her in pain and betrayal . It was absolute hell. She is absolutely amazing. Months later and we are doing OK. We don't talk about it all the time any more and we are reconnecting. It is something that will be with us forever, and I feel it every time we look into each others eyes. But the hurt is lessening and we can and will still have a good future.

 

As for your own situation, IMO you are absolutely right not to tell him because you recognise it as a mistake that you will never repeat and you are 100% committed to him. Telling him would just hurt both of you so much and sap so much energy from you - energy that you are now using to find the new you. The price to you personally may be to carry the burden and guilt with you, but it is worth it, and it will lessen over time to the point where the A will just feel like a distant dream. I am aware that what I say here is controversial. There are many posters that insist that 100% disclosure and honesty is the only way and that you are cheating your husband again if you don't tell him. I disagree - I think you are doing the right thing. Some people say that it is much better coming from you than if he found out on his own. Well I have two points to make here. Firstly, do everything to make sure he never finds out (I'm sure you already have)! Secondly, look at it this way. If you tell him yourself , it will be like a nuclear bomb going off in your marriage. If he finds out himself, will it be worse? Possibly - let's say it will be like two nuclear bombs going off in your marriage. Is two nuclear bombs gong off worse than one going off? Well, possibly, but both are absolutely devastating. No bombs going off is infinitely better than either. Another analogy is a boxer. Think of a boxer who has been knocked over ten times. Is he in worse shape than a boxer who has been knocked over 5 times? Possibly, but there's not likely to be much difference, and both are in so much worse shape than the winning boxer who hasn't been knocked over at all! Sorry to labour the point. I just wanted to say that I believe that you are doing the right thing! You are honest from this point forward and the past can be learned from and moved on from. I wish you both nothing but the best. We are all going in the right direction!

 

Right, off for a few hours now, but looking forward to catching up on more posts from you all later!

[jenkins95]

Jenkins - thank you for letting me know recovery is not necessarily linear. That is important to realize so I don't beat myself too much on the bad days. I am looking forward to having more good days than bad days hopefully sooner rather than later!

 

I'm totally coming to the LS Christmas Eve party! It will be awesome to see how much we have all recovered.

 

Hi Grey Cloud! You got through another day - well done! How are you feeling today? The good days will be there soon! You are doing everything right! Yes, I have learned that recovery is not linear from one day to the next, either for the WS or the BS if they find out. But things do move gradually in the right direction and you suddenly realise one day that the good is outweighing the bad - more and more! Yes, don't beat yourself up if you have an unexpectedly bad day or find that you are pining for the AP. It is natural, just go with it and it will pass! You are doing amazingly well already!

 

I can't wait for our party - three confirmed attendees already ;-)

[jenkins95]

Grey Cloud,

 

I think you should change your handle to "Blue Skies!" I am raising my imaginary champagne flute to toast your freedom!

 

I used to work with my XMM too and couldn't fully move on until after I left the job, which was about 3 months ago. Even after, he contacted me a few times and the last conversation with him was a exactly a month ago.

 

Like Jenkins articulated, the first few weeks were spent in pure agony and despair. But as time wore on, I was able to get stronger and in spite of contact from him, I was regaining my old self. In fact, I think on some level, I didn't want to block him because I wanted to work on testing and strengthening my boundaries by actively resisting him. I also wanted him to realize that he didn't have a hold on me anymore. We are also in a professionally tight knit circle and I wanted to maintain a certain, in-control image where I appeared detached emotionally and could maintain contact on a professional, career related manner. I used to be a strong, emotionally even keeled, moral, and confident woman and I had lost myself. I am pretty embarrassed at how deep I was in it. There are things I said and did that anybody who really knows me would be shocked at. I am not the kind of person that loses control.

 

So, to answer your question, what I am burying post affair? A version of myself that I never want to see again. What do I look forward to? Clarity, peace, openness to love, respect, and finding joy and positivity in everyday things.

 

Cheers!

 

Good post Lovetoohard, and well done for passing an important landmark of one month. It sounds like you are doing really well and are a strong person. I admire you for resisting his attempt to break NC - that's tough and you did it.

 

Do you agree with me about recovery not being linear? i.e. yes, things in general move in a positive direction, but you can have good days and bad days, often quite unexpectedly? Is it the same for you? With me, I usually know as soon as I open my eyes in the morning whether the day is going to be good, bad or normal (whatever normal is post-A!). I have generally been pretty good lately, woke up a little down on Thursday and then yesterday morning I was as low as I have been in several weeks and didn't even want to get up. But I came here and you guys cheered me up! This morning I woke up feeling OK, and ready to face the day!

 

Keep going Lovetoohard, you are doing well and you write good stuff on here. Will you join us on Christmas Eve for our little party to celebrate our progress?

 

Have a nice weekend all