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Am I doing the right thing?


Hurtandconfused72

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Hurtandconfused72

Hi, I'm new to the forum and never thought I'd be here. I met my MM not actually married but has been with his partner for many years just over eight months ago.

 

I met him in a night out with friends and the attraction was immediate. He was up front about his situation from the beginning. I told myself it didn't matter. We would hang out with him and his group of friends and that would be it. Inly after we started speaking we just clicked and it was too late.

 

He told me that they had already agreed to split up. We couldn't stay away from each other. I never asked him to leave but as time went on he said he needed to sort it out and go. And I let my guard down and fell head over heels.

 

We have had some fall outs mostly due to my insecurities. When we don't see each other he panics but when we do he starts dawdling. He tells me I'm his best friend and soulmate. When we are tithed everything is perfect.

 

He said he found a place and was going to leave before Christmas. I told him it was wrong. We agreed he would wait until afterwards but nothing seems to be happening and two weeks ago I'd had enough and ended it. I'm two weeks no contact and I miss him terribly. I feel it's the only way he will sort himself out but a part of me thinks now he has no reason to leave and will stay because he is worried about his daughter.

 

An I risking everything by ignoring him?

 

I feel I have waited all my life for the right person to come along and he is it. I'm so hurt

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Hurtandconfused72

You are right. At the time I ended it I really meant it but it's almost like I'm addicted to him. Hopefully it will get better with time

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You are in a pretty good place if you already realize this is an addiction this early on. Without too much time invested here, I feel like you made a really smart, healthy and good decision for yourself. It is really hard to walk away when your still in love and head over heels.

But stop and think here...your head WAS LITERALLY over your heels.

You were enabling him to stay stuck and waver back and forth using the same line about staying for the child.

It is OK if he DOES want to stay, you just cant sit by and allow future faking and empty promises, this is your LIFE.

If he was leaving, he will leave.

Your stepping out to let him fix that without your involvement was the right thing to do and should not influence him.

If he is serious about you and you were his soulmate, now would be the time for him to get it together and make a move.

Your decision is best and if I were you I would not want to be in the middle of it when he goes anyways.

Its going to be a mess.

Right now, just hold your ground, stay busy, and let him do what he needs to do.

There will be so many OW who read this and will wish they had the strength to not hold on and be strung along for years.

You may just inspire someone else to keep their dignity and get out of a tough demeaning situation.

Stay NC.

It will work out the way it should and if he was lying or a cake eater, you didn't give him any more of your time and energy. You stood up. Now let him do the same.

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This guy IS probably married. Anyway, regardless if there's a ring on his finger or not, the woman he's with has had his child, so therefore they are a family. I HIGHLY doubt he is going to up and leave, start over with you for obvious reasons. Are you really ready to play step mom to his child? Realize that you won't be put first many of times because of their child. And, you'd be dealing with his ex for many years to come because they will be co parenting together.

 

You barely know this guy and already it's lied to you and led you on. NO way does a parent bail out at Christmas time, it's just so unrealistic.

 

Other than chemistry and how he makes you feel, what's so great about him? so far I read he's a cheater, a liar and is going to take what you give him on his terms and time frame leaving you alone when it's time for him to go home and be a partner, to be a father. Is this someone you can picture a life with? Really dig and do some soul searching.

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rainbowsandkittens

I recently listened to a podcast from Natalie Yu and in the first 5-7 minutes she talks about why not to get involved with someone who's with someone else. The thing that struck me the most was her saying that by being in an affair you are not only denying yourself the ability to find someone who's free to love you and be with you and really be your partner but you're denying your AP the ability to face what's wrong with them and work on it. You're, in essence, alllowing and abetting in them being passive and avoid their problems rather than fix themselves and grow as a person. Do you want that for him? If you love him, probably not, right?

 

I know with my AP I, as a classic people pleaser and problem solver, thought I was actually helping him with his problems. But I see now that I was just helping him avoid and ignore them. I don't know if he'll ever deal with them- I worry that now he's just gone back to business as usual. But that's not my monkey and not my circus (to use a phrase one of my friends loves.)

 

I think you did the right thing. It's really tough and hurts like hell (I'm having a very rough week) but you do have moments that feel ok. And knowing that those moments will soon outnumber the bad ones can be enough to get you through.

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He told me that they had already agreed to split up.

]This is the usual scieniero MM use, or some version thereof.

I never asked him to leave but as time went on he said he needed to sort it out and go.

He was giving you hope and reason to believe.

 

We have had some fall outs mostly due to my insecurities

You should not be in a R that makes you insecure, not a good feeling.

When we don't see each other he panics but when we do he starts dawdling.

This is the classic push/pull dynamic you hear about happening in A’s a lot.

I]We agreed he would wait until afterwardsbut nothing seems to be happening[/i]

So let it go. If it happens he can look you up after the fact.

Don’t get any more invested in the guy until he is obviously free from other commitment.

Remember, action over words.

 

Just a question, did he hide your R from public, family and friends?

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Hi, I'm new to the forum and never thought I'd be here. I met my MM not actually married but has been with his partner for many years just over eight months ago.

 

I met him in a night out with friends and the attraction was immediate. He was up front about his situation from the beginning. I told myself it didn't matter. We would hang out with him and his group of friends and that would be it. Inly after we started speaking we just clicked and it was too late.

 

He told me that they had already agreed to split up. We couldn't stay away from each other. I never asked him to leave but as time went on he said he needed to sort it out and go. And I let my guard down and fell head over heels.

 

We have had some fall outs mostly due to my insecurities. When we don't see each other he panics but when we do he starts dawdling. He tells me I'm his best friend and soulmate. When we are tithed everything is perfect.

 

He said he found a place and was going to leave before Christmas. I told him it was wrong. We agreed he would wait until afterwards but nothing seems to be happening and two weeks ago I'd had enough and ended it. I'm two weeks no contact and I miss him terribly. I feel it's the only way he will sort himself out but a part of me thinks now he has no reason to leave and will stay because he is worried about his daughter.

 

An I risking everything by ignoring him?

 

I feel I have waited all my life for the right person to come along and he is it. I'm so hurt

 

You are absolutely doing the right thing and I am actual "proud" of you that you did! Did you figure that out on your own or did you read about it here? Cause if you did it on your own, you're one smart cookie!

 

No, you're not risking everything by ignoring him. If he really loves you as he says, he will feel the pain of not being with you and be forced to make his decision. If you continue to see him while he is with his long-term partner, he will just continue to be with both of you (he will continue to not make the choice).

 

I don't know how old you are but having been in as many relationships as I have been in, I feel it is safe to say there is no Mr. Right. There will always be something annoying, bad, or unacceptable about everyone. And falling in love is not limited to just one person. You can fall in love many times, with different people or with the same person over and over again.

 

Get busy building a strong and happy life for yourself. Enjoy being alone. Learn how to be alone. Be productive, take a class, hang out with your girlfriends, spend time with your family, etc. Don't wait around for a man.

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Hurtandconfused72

Rainbowsandkittens I'm sorry you are having a hard week. What's your situation? Do you have a thread?

 

Ruffian1 yes and no. He didn't hide anything public ally. We went out openly, held hands and kissed. We could have been seen at any time but it seemed to bother me more than him. His friends and co workers knew. My friend and coworkers knew and we met each other's friends. He told me that he had told his sister and that she agreed he should leave. Apparently she knew all about the issues they'd been having, but who knows if that's true.

 

Thank you for all your comments. I'm relieved to hear in doing the right thing and you've made me feel much better. The thing is, despite my current predicament I like to think of myself as an intelligent ish sensible and independent type. I have a great career, my own home, a great circle of friends. I looked for a forum because I wanted to speak to people who could relate to my situation. None of my friends have been in the situation and think he has had long enough to leave. Although I see from other posts that 8 months is quite a short period.

 

I know he cares for his partner, he wants her to be okay but he says they have grown apart. I do truly believe that he loves me although he has never told me. I can see that he does. I also believe that he wants to leave but wanting it and doing it are two different things.

 

We once did not speak for 5 weeks. I tried to contact him but he ignored me. It was only when I stopped trying he got in touch but the same issues were still there. It's a vicious circle.

 

It doesn't add up to me. If he wants to leave he shouldn't want to be there. I know these relationships sometimes work out and every OW wants it to be them. But I've learned it's very rare. How do I know I'm not one of the ones being strung along? He got angry when I said that to him and said I was calling him a liar. But how do we know what's really going on at home if they aren't doing much to leave a relationship they claim is so horrible?

 

When I ended it I meant it but started to regret it the next day. Normally I would contact him within a week after an argument but this time I've decided not to because it's true that I'm letting him do it do me - whether intentionally or not.

 

If he leaves then I will see what happens. If not then it's best to end it now and try to move on. Although I'm not sure I could feel this way about anyone else.

 

I'd like to be a mother some day and I'm in my early 30's so I suppose this is the only way.

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