Moniq Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 My ex and I have been divorced for two and a half years. He quickly jumped in to a new relationship and married her for crazy reasons. Anyhow. We have been messing around during their whole relationship. By messing around I mean everything except sex. But the other day we had sex. I felt very odd and didn't know what to think. I truly don't believe he cheated on me with her because of timing and people I know but I do feel that he had her in his thoughts when he left me and our children. He's a great father and we get along very well. But I feel sorta proud that if she's the reason of our divorce then I'm getting payback. I'm not looking to out my ex but deep down inside i know I have the upper hand. I'm utterly confused and to be honest with you, we are both very sexual people and we know what we like and are sexually compatible. I don't trust people and hate to just sleep around. I feel good with him. Anyhow, has anyone been through this? Help me Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 You don't know the reason for your divorce? That almost sounds like he left you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moniq Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Yes. He did leave me. I wrote it in my post Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Since you're apparently co-parenting a couple young children, this temptation, presuming you are sexually attracted, will remain. Sexual attraction and compatibility in that regard happens for most of us in life. It's a basic human drive and, well, your children are the result. Still, you have choices. I didn't read up on the whole smash of your D or M but I will offer one suggestion, that being to avoid sending mixed messages to the kids. Keep the adult stuff separate. Accept that you've had sex with a man who's married to someone else. Make choices which respect your boundaries moving forward. Accept whatever consequences obtain. Hug the kids. They're looking to you and your exH as their role models and their childhood will be over before you know it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moniq Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 You are absolutely right. We try very hard to make things work for the kids. My kids don't hear any negative comments about their father at all. We get along and work together for the kids. We don't fight for weekends or time with our kids we share them with no problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 This is definitely role reversal. You were the wife. Usually it's the other way around. I'd be interested to see if the BS's come piling in this thread telling you that he's just using you for sex only. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 This is part of the reason I didn't want a divorce when I had marriage problems bc I could see my H & I doing this if we ever divorced. We couldn't stop doing it while separated. Just try not to get caught. I'm sure I'll be slammed for saying that but I can see how this happens. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 My ex and I have been divorced for two and a half years. He quickly jumped in to a new relationship and married her for crazy reasons. Anyhow. We have been messing around during their whole relationship. By messing around I mean everything except sex. But the other day we had sex. I felt very odd and didn't know what to think. I truly don't believe he cheated on me with her because of timing and people I know but I do feel that he had her in his thoughts when he left me and our children. He's a great father and we get along very well. But I feel sorta proud that if she's the reason of our divorce then I'm getting payback. I'm not looking to out my ex but deep down inside i know I have the upper hand. I'm utterly confused and to be honest with you, we are both very sexual people and we know what we like and are sexually compatible. I don't trust people and hate to just sleep around. I feel good with him. Anyhow, has anyone been through this? Help me You're totally fooling yourself if you think your ex H didn't cheat on you while you two were married. He left you and married someone else very quickly after your divorce, so yes, chances are very high he was having an A with this other woman. He isn't a prize at all, he's been a cheater all along and now is doing to his new wife what he did to you. Not something you should be proud of, now you're no better than her by helping yourself to her husband. It puts you in the same level actually. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I think it's possible you might be projecting your negative feelings about the divorce towards the new wife,instead of your ex husband. The upper hand feeling is aimed at her, even though she was under no obligation to you,he was. Obviously you dont resent him. Maybe this take on things helps you maintain a good co parenting relationship with him. He is no doubt satisfied,he switched wife and mistress without having to give up on either one. I am not sure what your question is. You didn't say much about how you feel. What would be the ideal outcome for you? Do you want him back? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 You are absolutely right. We try very hard to make things work for the kids. My kids don't hear any negative comments about their father at all. We get along and work together for the kids. We don't fight for weekends or time with our kids we share them with no problem. Sounds like you get on well as co-parents. Can you establish a boundary of interaction which respects that milieu, as well as his marriage? You'll never be able to control him, his psychology, his drives, his choices. You have complete control over those aspects of yourself. No one can ever take that way from you. What do you want? Decide that, then accept the adult consequences of any choice you make. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 My ex and I have been divorced for two and a half years. He quickly jumped in to a new relationship and married her for crazy reasons. Anyhow. We have been messing around during their whole relationship. By messing around I mean everything except sex. But the other day we had sex. I felt very odd and didn't know what to think. I truly don't believe he cheated on me with her because of timing and people I know but I do feel that he had her in his thoughts when he left me and our children. He's a great father and we get along very well. But I feel sorta proud that if she's the reason of our divorce then I'm getting payback. I'm not looking to out my ex but deep down inside i know I have the upper hand. I'm utterly confused and to be honest with you, we are both very sexual people and we know what we like and are sexually compatible. I don't trust people and hate to just sleep around. I feel good with him. Anyhow, has anyone been through this? Help me Ok misread a bit... I think he has the upper hand, he left you & still gets to have sex with you. I get you're comfortable but you don't have the upper hand in anything, he still does...after he left you. He gets to have sex with both you. Sorry but he's the "winner". 9 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 You are the mother of his children. Do you feel he's treating you with the respect you deserve? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moniq Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 I guess by me saying I have the upper hands means that I can, at any given point, rat him out. I don't have anything to lose. He was the love of my life. The divorce was very hard for me. And yes I was angry. Angry at him and her. It's weird but when we started messing around it actually helped me start getting over him. Since now I know what kind is man he is. I respect him for being a good father but I would not think I would be able to get back with him after knowing what he's capable of. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 My ex and I have been divorced for two and a half years. He quickly jumped in to a new relationship and married her for crazy reasons. Anyhow. We have been messing around during their whole relationship. By messing around I mean everything except sex. But the other day we had sex. I felt very odd and didn't know what to think. I truly don't believe he cheated on me with her because of timing and people I know but I do feel that he had her in his thoughts when he left me and our children. He's a great father and we get along very well. But I feel sorta proud that if she's the reason of our divorce then I'm getting payback. I'm not looking to out my ex but deep down inside i know I have the upper hand. I'm utterly confused and to be honest with you, we are both very sexual people and we know what we like and are sexually compatible. I don't trust people and hate to just sleep around. I feel good with him. Anyhow, has anyone been through this? Help me What you're doing is not going to bring retribution....you don't even know if she was in the picture or not. You are both comfortable with each other and makes it easy to be together? But-- you say he LEFT you and the kids? Why on earth are you not moving on with your life? So by being a OW, you have the upper hand? Not so much....you're second hand at best and enlisted to deserve his crumbs. Revenge will poison your well....move on... Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 You are the mother of his children. Do you feel he's treating you with the respect you deserve? I dug into one of your prior threads, OP, and saw where you said that he left you because you were a SAHM and "not on his level". So my concern is what XXOO is alluding to, I think. Worded very bluntly, he thinks you're good enough for a roll in the sack but not worthy of him otherwise. That pisses me off, so it should darn well piss you off. You may still love this schmuck, I understand. But please don't set yourself up for more pain. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I guess by me saying I have the upper hands means that I can, at any given point, rat him out. I don't have anything to lose. He was the love of my life. The divorce was very hard for me. And yes I was angry. Angry at him and her. It's weird but when we started messing around it actually helped me start getting over him. Since now I know what kind is man he is. I respect him for being a good father but I would not think I would be able to get back with him after knowing what he's capable of. Stop sleeping with him and ONLY deal with him when it has to do with the kids or financial issues. He isn't yours anymore, he's married to someone else. Be the best co parents to your kids and stop the games and ego feed by thinking you're controlling him (the threat of telling his new wife about you and him, how would that be beneficial in the long run?), all this does is keep you focused on him, his wife and their life together, instead of you letting go and moving on. Fact that you are enjoying this revenge is calculated too. No good is gonna come of this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moniq Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Wow. I never thought of it that way. You made me feel like crap but you are right. I'm not worth it to him except for one thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moniq Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 You are right. But When you lose everything in one day, it's hard to feel again. It's like I would go through the motions and not care about anything. I had nothing to lose. I have nothing. But this is why I came to this site. To get some perspective. To move on. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Wow. I never thought of it that way. You made me feel like crap but you are right. I'm not worth it to him except for one thing. I'm sorry. The fact is that you're worth a lot more than what this guy can give you. Co-parent, but keep your distance. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moniq Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 I just texted him saying we need to talk.... I need to respect myself if no one will. 13 years of my life I hope to move on from. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Wow. I never thought of it that way. You made me feel like crap but you are right. I'm not worth it to him except for one thing. Sorry I made you feel that way. Just love yourself and respect yourself more than getting revenge. Best revenge is to work through the pain, resentment and eventually rid of the hurt so you can find peace in your heart and be happy again. Be on good terms with him because of your children. Be kind to his wife because she IS step mother to your kids now, like it or not. The winners in this are the kids if everybody gets along enough to put them first. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 You are right. But When you lose everything in one day, it's hard to feel again. It's like I would go through the motions and not care about anything. I had nothing to lose. I have nothing. But this is why I came to this site. To get some perspective. To move on. And you will move on. You can do counseling to help you cope with it all in a healthy way so you won't have insecurities thanks to the idiot who left you for someone else. You did nothing wrong, it's not your fault he fell for someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 He was cheating on your while you were married and taking care of his kids. That's HIM humiliating YOU. Then he dumped you and quickly married the OW with whom he cheated on you. That's HIM humiliating YOU a second time. Then he had sex with you on the side and used you like a secret mistress on the side. That's HIM humiliating YOU a third time. Who has the upper hand? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I think he enjoys staying in your life so you don't get a new man round.......who'll see the kids more often. That's a big fear for some men having their kids see another man with their ex wife. Time to stop the messing around and get on the dating scene for a loyal faithful guy. You know what your ex is capable of. I don't know the timings of your divorce and his marriage...but I know someone who got divorced and married in the same year and there was no cheating involved... so I won't say 100% your ex was cheating........though it's certainly possible. If he was cheating on you.... I've no sympathy for his wife. I know your divorce isn't the point of this thread...but you guys clearly have great sexual chemistry.....sad that you ended up divorced in spite of that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 There's a lot of assumption and concluding that the OPs ex was cheating on her.......without ANY proof at all right now...apart from him getting married fairly quickly. Which has been done many times before. Some people jump from one R to another or even one M to another and have fears of being alone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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