In a rut 😔

[PickledHead]

Hi all,

 

I've lurked here for some time and have finally braved the courage to join and hope to get some advice

 

My background... Been OW for 18 months (I am single)! It wasn't what either of us went looking for (but when is it). Unfortunately, he is the love of my life. Started off as friends, turned physical and has been ever since.

 

We are in contact all day, everyday. We see each other at least once a day. Have nights out, he knows my friends and family! I know his friends, they are aware of situation. We are told constantly we should be together and in another world maybe but it won't happen for a variety of reasons

 

So my predicament - I'm not stupid (I'm sure I will get some people question that statement), I know I need to stop but I can't. I feel I need to move on but it's so hard... I know no one will ever compare. I have offers for people to take me out on a regular basis but I can't do it to them. How do I try and get to know someone new when I can't tell them the truth about my life??

 

My MM knows he holds me back and hates it, he would never stop me from trying to move on as he knows I deserve more than he can give me although I know the thought of me even going on a date guts him.

 

How do people play this - how do I meet someone else when I am totally besotted with someone! I know that the ideal route would be go NC without thinking about moving on to anyone else anytime soon but I physically cannot go NC. We have the best time all the time and whilst our time apart hurts like crazy, it's not enough that I could beat it.

 

So in a nutshell, I can't move on whilst with him and can't give him up yet!! Do I just resign myself that this is my life?

[imsosad]

Ask yourself one question: how happy is his wife? Do you really want to be in her place?

The lying,sneaking, disrespecting have been going on for over a year. This is ot a slip up. It is his way of life. If you think he is behaving this way because he married the wrong person,think again. A good conscience is not a matter of circumstance. This is who he is.

If he really is the love of your life, why is he not leaving his wife?

Did he tell you he wishes hes met you first? He cant leave because of money,kids or she'll kill herslelf?

You are caught up in a lie. The tragic star crossed lovers,romeo and juliet tragedy is enhancing the false romance. Affairs very,very rarely amount to a real relationship.

He has his life. What about you?

End it. You will feel like ****now, but in the long run,you will feel better. I dont know you,but i am 100% positive you deserve more than to be someone's side dish. You deserve the whole deal.

Im very sorry youre hurting. I know it sucks.

But you will be alright.

Good luck

[BuddyX]

"My MM knows he holds me back and hates it, he would never stop me from trying to move on as he knows I deserve more than he can give me although I know the thought of me even going on a date guts him."

 

Ok that's total BS. Take a break from him, pull a NC and see what happens.

 

You know this is unhealthy. Start easing yourself out of the relationship. Or better yet, Cold Turkey.

[ChickiePops]

Hi all,

 

I've lurked here for some time and have finally braved the courage to join and hope to get some advice

 

My background... Been OW for 18 months (I am single)! It wasn't what either of us went looking for (but when is it). Unfortunately, he is the love of my life. Started off as friends, turned physical and has been ever since.

 

We are in contact all day, everyday. We see each other at least once a day. Have nights out, he knows my friends and family! I know his friends, they are aware of situation. We are told constantly we should be together and in another world maybe but it won't happen for a variety of reasons

 

So my predicament - I'm not stupid (I'm sure I will get some people question that statement), I know I need to stop but I can't. I feel I need to move on but it's so hard... I know no one will ever compare. I have offers for people to take me out on a regular basis but I can't do it to them. How do I try and get to know someone new when I can't tell them the truth about my life??

 

My MM knows he holds me back and hates it, he would never stop me from trying to move on as he knows I deserve more than he can give me although I know the thought of me even going on a date guts him.

 

How do people play this - how do I meet someone else when I am totally besotted with someone! I know that the ideal route would be go NC without thinking about moving on to anyone else anytime soon but I physically cannot go NC. We have the best time all the time and whilst our time apart hurts like crazy, it's not enough that I could beat it.

 

So in a nutshell, I can't move on whilst with him and can't give him up yet!! Do I just resign myself that this is my life?

 

What are the reasons?

[PickledHead]

She is relatively happy! In general she is happy but she has had her suspicions over the time and so That has obviously took its toll but she is in a good place currently.

 

What he is doing is not in his nature whatsoever, he is a good man who has got caught up in something he didn't plan on. It's not something he has ever come close to in the past and I don't believe he would again in the future.

 

He has never future faked. He won't leave and I wouldn't expect him too due to circumstances (for confidentiality I won't post specifics but it just isn't logistical)

 

I know you are right in what you say tho so Thankyou for replying! it's just actually getting to the point of being able to! As the thread says... I'm in a rut

[PickledHead]

Imsosad - sorry I missed the bit where you asked if I am having a life

 

Yes, I have quite a good social life. I work and I have a decent circle of friends so I go out regularly. Like I said I meet people a lot, the opportunities are there but without ditching MM completely I just can't do it as I don't think it's fair on the other man. But I just can't ditch MM hence the PickledHead

[imsosad]

Im sorry,honey, but you are lying to yourself.

She is happy?

Yes,because she doesnt know what he is up to. How happy would she be to realise her husband has been showing off his (younger,right?) mistress to his friends?

You dont believe he will do it again because you are not seeing clearly.

If it were nit his nature,ge would have ended it ages ago. Its mot in his nature,yet hes been lying to his wife for 18 months?

I know whats its like to get caught up and make a bad choice. If it is truely not in your nature,you just cant carry on. You end it quicky and try to make amends.

This is not circumstance. He is happy to be married and have you on the side. Google cake eating.

I know, yours arent like most affairs. This is real. This is special. This is different. You never meant for this to happen!

Well, this board is full of 'once in a lifetime' romances.

Im not trying to bash you. I get the feeling youre trying to convince yourself that you really have no choice but to stay on as his mistress. He will let you do just that for as long as you put up.with it.

[sandylee1]

PH

 

What are your hopes and dreams for YOUR life.? For the future?

Do you want children?

Do you want to live with a man or be married?

 

Whatever your hopes for the future...can you achieve them while you're in the affair?

 

From what you've said..you believe the reasons he's given you for not leaving..is that correct? You think if things were different you could be with the love of your life ?

 

Things are what they are...you need to decide whether you're satisfied with being his secret lover for life....having him in stolen moments....or whether you can walk away from this.

 

I take it his life in general progresses normally.....While you're stuck in a rut

 

He has the kind of selfish love for you..that keeps you stuck and not making normal relationship progress in life. Years are going by..you aren't getting any younger..it's time to think about YOU.

[Ragnar1984]

Well firstly, you're not stupid okay. If only feelings were so black and white then we'd all be able to come and go as we please. There would be no real life heartbreaks or tearjerkers playing on the radio, but unfortunately life isn't quite so simple. What I do find curious is to why you both can't be together? I mean you haven't mentioned a single thing, apart from the 'variety of reasons' as to why you can't make it as a couple. Are you simply making excuses to yourself? I mean, you clearly have more then just 'friend-zone' feelings for the chap and the fact that he would be 'gutted' at the thought of you dating, speaks loud and clear. Whatever the reasons, they clearly need to be addressed as you both seem determined to be in each other's lives but at arms lengths, which is crazy considering the amount of time that you spend together.

On the other foot is the simple answer. You have to part ways. He goes his path, you go yours. Sorry, but the most obvious answer tends to be the right one. If there is no real future for the pair of you, yet his presence continues to impact your mental and emotional health, then you need to stay strong and simply ask him to stay away. If not then you are only going to give yourself more heartache in the long term. You are doing yourself and him no favours, living in each others pockets, when there are clearly more deep rooted issues that need to be resolved. There is a reason why the term is coined a 'clean break'. You must be firm but fair with this lad. Explain why you can't stay in contact with him, and if he is the man you think he is, he will understand. Maybe down the line, when you are happier within your own life, maybe the friendship can continue. However if you carry on down this soul destroying route, nobody will be any more the happier. And then what happens if he finds himself a steady girlfriend? That is when the self loathing, resentment, bitter feelings of betrayal will start to rear it's ugly head. Your inability to let go and move on will destroy the friendship that you had, and just leave you feeling like sh*t. Likewise, do you really want to have someone drag you down if you are able to move on, and he is unable to. The answer is of course you don't. I mean, who would?

I think you know what needs to be done. Time to find out if you can put the knowledge into practice. Good luck.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Ragnar1984

[PickledHead]

I have previously been married and have a child. I don't have any desire for more children and the thought of marrying again fills me with dread. However I am only in my 30s and so I would never say never about anything to be honest.

 

I know given the chance we would be perfect together but His reasonings are quite genuine, there is also the fact that he does love his wife. In what respect I don't know but he would not want to hurt her - don't get me wrong I know he is inadvertently hurting her with the lies but I think he Truley believes that what she doesn't know won't hurt her whereas if she does know then obviously it will. I have my own opinion on that so I don't need to be told that it is nonsense

 

NC is the best advice but I know I couldn't handle it with how I feel about him at the minute. I don't know how he would handle NC - I wouldn't want to do anything that would make him take any chances, getting caught and ruining his life.

 

I have been happy being single but I am starting to want more and know that I am getting near the point on wanting a relationship. I just wish I could switch off my feelings

[PickledHead]

Imsosad - I missed your post again there!

 

Maybe I'm trying to avoid them subconsciously ?

 

You are dead right, she is only happy because she doesn't know! And yes I am younger.

 

I don't think I have some special 'moon colliding' relationship! I know it is the same as most other affairs. But I also know my feelings for him. The amount of time we spend together and the nature of the relationship means he is a massive part of my life so makes cutting contact dead seem impossible

 

I can take a bit of a bashing though, I completely deserve it!!

[sandylee1]

That's good that you have a child. No pressure on that front.

 

Well what's more painful to you right now? Seeing him a little or not at all?

 

You're family and friends know about him..

So do you not have to sneak around when they are around?

 

He loves his wife? So assuming some miracle happened and he was with you.....wouldn't you worry he'd be having an affair despite him loving you?

 

Seems to me you're hurting...hence you've come here....but not hurting enough to see that there is much more hurt to come.

 

You've got two options...

 

1. Accept the position of a lifelong OW

2. End it.

 

You're too busy thinking of how he'd react....if he really truly loved you..he'd either be with you full time or let you go.

 

You need to make a list of what you're missing out on..like family holidays..walking down the street..being at his side at functions vs what you gain. Then also make a note of how those things make you feel.

 

Then decide how much longer you're heart can cope with it all.

 

He won't end it..He's got a wife and a GF... why would he.

 

Have you tried seeing a counsellor at all? They could help navigate your feelings? It could help.

[minimariah]

How do people play this - how do I meet someone else...

 

if you don't want to or can't go NC - then don't. that's OK, you just aren't ready. going NC is truly the best way and you know it but if that's not possible at the moment - let's focus on other options.

 

you can date. what are your options in dating; do you do online dating or blind dates set up by your friends...? with online dating, the good thing is that you can be honest. so you can date and meet new folks and tell them straight up that you're currently in love with someone else, emotionally unavailable but opened to new chances and that changing in the future. it's kind of a POLY experiment; meet new folks while being totally honest with them and see how it goes. if you meet someone interesting enough or even someone in the same position as you... you may learn how to slowly detach from your current situation.

 

the point is: you don't have to hide your status. a lot of people are dating with one goal: to get over the person they're emotionally involved with.

 

...there is also the fact that he does love his wife.

 

he's having a very public affair & she's the only one who doesn't know; his friends openly cheer for the two of you as a couple; he'd dump her in the heartbeat if the circumstances were right = he tells you he loves his wife & you obviously know it's bull.

 

how is your MM's marriage; is it sexless, is there intimacy, do they have fun as a couple & family...? do you feel secure in your relationship in him, do you trust him? if he's being an excellent husband & a family man while humiliating his wife behind her back & claiming he loves her at the same time; how does that make you feel about him as a person? about his character? how do you feel about his ability to hide his feelings and lie about them fairly good in his day to day life?

 

reading your posts - your relationship with your MM seems shallow and with no real depth; i'm struggling to see what is it exactly that keeps you in that relationship other than the alluring romance and magic of tragic Romeo&Juliet modern love story...? there seems to be no questioning of his true character, of the true nature of your affair, of your feelings, of your compatibility... it seems like you don't challenge him or rather aren't interested in challenging him in his "i love The Wife" nonsense; if you think that's nonsense and he truly believes it's true... that means you have very opposing views on relationships and love in general. how do you deal with that?

[burnt]

I can't move on whilst with him and can't give him up yet!! Do I just resign myself that this is my life?

Yes, most likely, you may resign yourself in it; that seems to be the painful truth for most OW; that they stay hypnotized until the MM finally walks away and decides to work on marriage and be happy with the wife, at which point the OW has been truly broken and left to pick up the pieces on her own.

 

What he is doing is not in his nature whatsoever, he is a good man who has got caught up in something he didn't plan on. It's not something he has ever come close to in the past and I don't believe he would again in the future.

 

My MM knows he holds me back and hates it, he would never stop me from trying to move on as he knows I deserve more than he can give me although I know the thought of me even going on a date guts him.

Yes, that's exactly what most OWs believe and feel too. When you are in love you will see the best in the other person, put him on pedestal, worship him at the cost of self-sacrifice. That is human nature often.

 

So what can you do?

Well, TELL him absolutely about every pain you are feeling, with no detail left behind. Tell him how much you suffer. Ask him to understand that while he can go home to the wife he loves, you come home without the love of your life. Tell him that while he has two woman on either side, you have nothing to hold onto.

 

He says he can't tell his wife because he LOVES her; he makes sacrifices for her?

So ask him to make ONE sacrifice for you.

Ask him to be the one to cut off contact permanently--even if you start begin him, ask him to be strong for you. Tell him that you are too weak to do it yourself.

 

Tell him that if he truly loves you to show it by letting you go.

Tell him no matter how weak he may feel to come back to you, you need him to offer this one gift to you, because you can't walk away for the one you are in love with.

[PickledHead]

Hi sandylee

 

Not seeing him at all would be more painful.... Hands down

 

In terms of my friends and his friends, they just treat us like a couple so there isn't too much sneaking about. He comes to some family/work functions with me! We mix in similar circles anyway socially and people that don't know his circumstances just think we are a couple. In all honesty I don't know how he hasn't been caught. i think the openness of it would be the real blow should he ever be found out.

 

I do hate not being able to do normal things with him, go to his functions, holidays ect and that is something that is beginning to become harder and harder which is why I know I need to do something

[minimariah]

In all honesty I don't know how he hasn't been caught...

 

i'm intrigued by this, too. he seems to spend a LOT of the time with you and just out of the house... in general. all of his friends know and they actually ACCEPT you as a couple which means his wife was never really accepted or even liked by them; if she was, i know SOMEONE would feel at least uncomfortable around the two of you.

 

so i can only conclude that they lead separate lives social wise. it's hard to believe that they don't have ONE mutual friend who would try to save his wife from this enormous humiliation.

 

does he have children or is it just him and his wife?

 

EDIT: i forgot to mention this part; when i did online dating... i met a LOT of people who were in an affair or just stuck being in love and emotionally involved with someone they had no future with. so don't be ashamed or scared - be honest. keep the details to yourself, of cours - protect yourself and your privacy. and look... you will get some harsh comments, you will get some nasty reactions and if that happens? shut it down immediately and go home. that's a good filter, too - you want a man who will be okay with your past, no? and your past includes this affair. this way, you'll know right from the start who're you're dealing with.

Edited February 8, 2016 by minimariah

[sandylee1]

Hi sandylee

 

Not seeing him at all would be more painful.... Hands down

 

In terms of my friends and his friends, they just treat us like a couple so there isn't too much sneaking about. He comes to some family/work functions with me! We mix in similar circles anyway socially and people that don't know his circumstances just think we are a couple. In all honesty I don't know how he hasn't been caught. i think the openness of it would be the real blow should he ever be found out.

 

I do hate not being able to do normal things with him, go to his functions, holidays ect and that is something that is beginning to become harder and harder which is why I know I need to do something

 

He obviously doesn't value his marriage or his wife at all to behave in this way. Do you not question his integrity at all ? To be with you ....no guilt or not enough to end it? He can't even say he's not in love with his wife ....

 

 

A dday may be the only way this ends.

[minimariah]

I can take a bit of a bashing though, I completely deserve it!!

 

i don't think you need or deserve bashing, i don't see the point in that.

 

you'll find a lot of support and some good advice on this Forum and of course... some comments you won't like. BUT - i noticed one thing helps when someone needs or wants to detach from the affair they're in... and that's focusing on the negative traits of your lover.

 

one exercise that helped a good friend of mine who was in the similar situation - she tried to put herself in his wife's shoes. so she wrote down every single thing he did with her (for example: he celebrated his birthday with the OW even though The Wife did a surprise celebration for him; leaving her disappointed and alone) that she knew would hurt her if she was in the Wife position. she focused on negativity of the affair. and she read that list over and over again until she was able to focus on ALL of his traits... not just the positive ones. then she focused on the fact that he actually TRIES to keep his wife happy, while knowing he's doing her wrong and not being fair to her. she kept thinking about those two sides of him; one that is able to cuddle and watch movies with his wife and call her pet names and the other that is able to lie to that same woman daily.

 

then, she made another list. all the reasons why she DOES NOT want to be in that affair anymore; all the reasons why this affair makes her miserable (can't spend holidays with him, can't go to functions...) and why they can't be together.

 

and then she kept reading those lists and thought about those things more and more - it helped her a lot with moving on.

 

i'm personally a huge fan of writing about your emotions and thoughts and a HUGE fan of lists () so if you're into that - you can try it out and see how it goes.

[PickledHead]

Minimariah

 

Your dating advice is what I was after / I guess I didn't think about it that everyone has something they are trying to get over.

 

I don't do online dating or blind dates. I meet men when I am out and have no problem talking to them and have been asked out a few times but it just seemed like I would be almost cheating on them from the off and how can I build something on that. Maybe online dating is the way forward for me - no pressure and can build up some conversation prior to any meet

 

I have been Out with a couple of men during the A but it didn't feel right saying I was single although I know I am. I was upfront with MM ablut going, he knows he has no right to tell me how it made him feel but I knew and it bothered me to hurt him. (Stupid right!)

 

I don't believe MM loves his wife in a way I would want to be loved if I'm honest - they have been together a long time and therefore have history and maybe a different kind of love so I won't knock it as I have not been with a person for that amount of time to know how that feels.. I don't want to say it's sexless as its too predictable and a cliche.

 

I don't consider the relationship we have to be shallow. we are compatable on every level and I don't doubt if he was single then we would work 100%. I don't challenge him on his feeling for his wife as its not something I try to talk about! This started from a playful friendship and escalated into something it shouldn't have, in the begin inning I think we both thought we would be able to walk away. I trust him completely, he is there whenever I need him and he does everything he can to make me happy. I know some of you will think not as he isn't with me but he isn't convinced that is what I want anyway and I wouldn't tell him different. But on a daily basis there is not much more I could or would ask from him.

 

It is what it is though and I don't want him ruining his life, which it would be in a few ways!

 

I'm awRe I sound pathetic and like every OW - I don't doubt that I am! I wish I had found this site before it ever started and then I might not be in the pickle I'm in

 

I appreciate all of your replies though so Thankyou

[whichwayisup]

Fact that you two are quite public on some level about the affair, go out with your friends and family together it's only a matter of time before you two get caught. Someone IS going see you two together and tell his wife.

 

Since you really aren't going to end your affair, detach slowly. Try to not see him daily or speak to him daily. Tell him you're doing this and eventually the A has to stop but for now you two need to not talk daily and be so involved in each others lives. Forget dating other men, that's a waste of time. Invest in your women friends, your child and get busy doing other things that don't involve MM. Start excluding him, relying on him less this way as time goes on it'll be easier on you when the A ends. And it will end eventually one way or another, by you, by him or because of a DDAY.

[minimariah]

...I guess I didn't think about it that everyone has something they are trying to get over.

 

of course! MANY folks are dating just to heal their broken heart.

 

i will tell you one thing though - protect yourself first. you don't need to mention your affair on the first date; you can tell that you're currently emotionally involved with someone and that you don't have any kind of future with that person; that you're trying to move on and are opened to new experiences. you'll find a lot of folks feeling the same thing AND they will appreciate your honesty. some will reject you, some won't.

 

be careful with the details, while dating - you can open up the subject of affairs, cheating and love in general just to test the waters. i know my friend once admitted to being in an affair to her date and it turned out the dude was nursing a broken heart from a cheating girlfriend! imagine his reaction, it was NOT good. so in the beginning, don't reveal too much details. just tell the person you're dating you're not ready - like i said you can discuss the topic of love in general.

 

when you feel comfortable enough - THEN you can open up about the affair and seek comfort and support from that new person. be realistic and ready to some harsh reactions though.

 

I meet men when I am out and have no problem talking to them and have been asked out a few times...

 

the reason i asked you about online dating and blind dates -- what if you meet someone and you like that person; you start dating and you open up and BOOM... you find out that the person knows your MM through business or other channels? how would your MM feel if he knew you were dating someone he knows of or someone he saw in passing or whatever?

 

not sure where you live in - in a big city or in some small town where everyone knows everyone? you gotta move away from the social circle you're in right now (while dating) in order to meet new people who are NOT connected in any way to your MM or his social circle, his friends.

 

that's why i think online dating might be a bit better - than AND you get to the entire "emotionally unavailable but looking" topic faster than when you meet a dude clubbing and share drinks with him. i find online dating a little more direct, that's why is suggested it.

 

and remember - you don't need to find another romantic interest. i think just talking to someone new would help.

 

I don't challenge him on his feeling for his wife as its not something I try to talk about!

 

okay, i understand. but you don't need to challenge him on his feelings for the Wife. let's move away from the Wife and his marriage for a minute -- and let's focus on him, his character and feelings and views on love and marriage in general. why not challenge him on THAT?

 

...he does everything he can to make me happy.

 

well - are you happy? right now, are you happy... you know... the blissful, careless, GOOD type of happy in your life right now?

[PickledHead]

Honestly I'm the happiest I have ever been!! Obviously I have my down moments when I want to be with him and can't but in general he makes me very happy

[Gigi2015]

So you think she is relatively happy? Based on his words? Read about how WS treat the BS during an affair. Usually a roller coaster where they are hyper criticized, etc. she is probably only trying to figure things out and not make things worse. He's having sex with you both. Why are you enabling this man?...he's already told you he's not leaving! He's using you....and using his wife. Well....at least you're not washing his clothes and cooking him dinner....I say tell the wife and bail out. You're wasting your time. He's probable used his wife during her best years and now his using yours.

[Gigi2015]

Honestly I'm the happiest I have ever been!! Obviously I have my down moments when I want to be with him and can't but in general he makes me very happy

 

 

I bet you wouldn't be happy to be a fly on the wall while he's making love to her and telling her she's the love of his life.

[Satu]

Hi all,

 

I've lurked here for some time and have finally braved the courage to join and hope to get some advice

 

My background... Been OW for 18 months (I am single)! It wasn't what either of us went looking for (but when is it). Unfortunately, he is the love of my life. Started off as friends, turned physical and has been ever since.

 

We are in contact all day, everyday. We see each other at least once a day. Have nights out, he knows my friends and family! I know his friends, they are aware of situation. We are told constantly we should be together and in another world maybe but it won't happen for a variety of reasons

 

So my predicament - I'm not stupid (I'm sure I will get some people question that statement), *I know I need to stop but I can't. I feel I need to move on but it's so hard... **I know no one will ever compare. I have offers for people to take me out on a regular basis but I can't do it to them. How do I try and get to know someone new when I can't tell them the truth about my life??

 

My MM knows he holds me back and hates it, he would never stop me from trying to move on as he knows I deserve more than he can give me although I know the thought of me even going on a date guts him.

 

How do people play this - how do I meet someone else when I am totally besotted with someone! I know that the ideal route would be go NC without thinking about moving on to anyone else anytime soon but I physically cannot go NC. We have the best time all the time and whilst our time apart hurts like crazy, it's not enough that I could beat it.

 

So in a nutshell, I can't move on whilst with him and can't give him up yet!! Do I just resign myself that this is my life?

 

*Yes you can, but you don't want to.

 

**No you don't. You don't know what the future will be.