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The other man ... and the other ... and the other !


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Sometime last year I got involved with a woman i work with ... and she was with her ex bf till she lined me up as the replacement .

 

7 months down the line ... I thought everything was fine til i discovered that she lined someone up behind me back --- ive become the replacement to ANOTHER ...

 

Whats up with this sort of pattern ? ive never encountered this 'serial' type of relationship from anybody ...im 35 years old shes 26 ...

 

thoughts ?

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Normal for the subset of women who 'monkey-branch' relationships or can't be alone so they'll line up some filler material while a more permanent replacement is worked on.

 

I call it 'normal' because I've seen it so much personally and have also heard the 'I can't be alone' so much from married women that I'm now used to it. I never considered my exW a monkey brancher but she was living with a new guy before we divorced, literally within a month or two of filing. In the house I fixed up :D

 

After awhile, one develops a perspective about this and it becomes, at moments, quite humorous. No sense in going crazy or getting mad about stuff outside our control.

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Sometime last year I got involved with a woman i work with ... and she was with her ex bf till she lined me up as the replacement .

 

7 months down the line ... I thought everything was fine til i discovered that she lined someone up behind me back --- ive become the replacement to ANOTHER ...

 

Whats up with this sort of pattern ? ive never encountered this 'serial' type of relationship from anybody ...im 35 years old shes 26 ...

 

thoughts ?

 

This is quite common, i call it the "i need a penis while i look for a replacement" syndrom.

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i find this common with folks in their twenties - always looking out for something better. there is a huge chunk of commitmentphobia going on there; folks are too scared of getting hurt and being left alone so they always secure themselves with an option B.

 

leave. i really don't think it's worth it.

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? ive never encountered this 'serial' type of relationship from anybody ...im 35 years old shes 26 ...

 

thoughts ?

 

My thoughts are you've lead a sheltered life for 35 years.

 

 

This is how it is. I've never known a cute chick that just broke up with someone and then was completely single for an indefinite period of time afterwards. Not a one.

 

 

All of them have had the next one warmed up on deck ready to step up to the plate.

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i find this common with folks in their twenties - always looking out for something better. there is a huge chunk of commitmentphobia going on there; folks are too scared of getting hurt and being left alone so they always secure themselves with an option B.

 

leave. i really don't think it's worth it.

 

nods . ive read other stories on this forum that also solidifies that fact that ppl in their 20's tend to do these sort of things . Its also a sense of experience ...

 

The one thing i learned about these ppl tree branching from one relationship to the next is they never really cared about you if they can switch to someone else so quickly

 

I know my ex did just that --- deep down a part of me misses her so much but for me to think she completely forgotten about the things we did blows my mind ...

 

 

like it was all fake . yknow ?

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My thoughts are you've lead a sheltered life for 35 years.

 

-- im pretty old school when it comes to relationships ill admit to that .

 

This is how it is. I've never known a cute chick that just broke up with someone and then was completely single for an indefinite period of time afterwards. Not a one.

 

-- honestly tho , i dont find anything geniune about hopping from one relationship to the next making the previous relationship feel like absolute crap . If he/she wants friends with benefits for example why not just say it in the first place to cut out all the drama . There was once a girl who was upfront with me ... said friends with benefits . i agreed. everything was black and white with our relationship yet we got along for YEARS ... she moved away so we kinda just drifted so .... that was that .. but again .. because no feelings were involved ..i

 

thats what i think is mising in todays couples ... whatever happened to QUALITY in relationships ?

 

If my ex told me friends with benefits ; well why not just say it ? to save being called a slut ?

 

 

All of them have had the next one warmed up on deck ready to step up to the plate.

 

 

---- i dunno ... nice guys really do finish last in my experience

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All in all

Each man in all men

all men in each man

All being in each being

Each being in all being

All in each

Each in all

All distinctions are mind, by mind, in

mind, of mind

No distinctions no mind to distinguish

 

 

- RD Laing, 'Knots.'

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I've never known a cute chick that just broke up with someone and then was completely single for an indefinite period of time afterwards.

 

this is my experience, too - i don't know any cute fellas who didn't have someone as their option B while breaking up. in general, i think people RARELY leave without someone else present in their lives.

 

The one thing i learned about these ppl tree branching from one relationship to the next is they never really cared about you if they can switch to someone else so quickly...

 

doesn't necessarily need to be true - folks who find someone else while being in a relationship are emotionally checked out for some time; if you're with someone for 5 years, let's say... and they found someone else during the last year, that does not mean those years prior were a lie. besides, were they a lie to YOU? were YOU happy? did you feel loved and cared for during those good times?

 

if the answer is yes - then that's all that matters. it was good for you, if it wasn't good for her - that's her problem. you move on and carry the lovely memories with yourself - try to think about it that way.

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this is my experience, too - i don't know any cute fellas who didn't have someone as their option B while breaking up. in general, i think people RARELY leave without someone else present in their lives.

 

 

 

doesn't necessarily need to be true - folks who find someone else while being in a relationship are emotionally checked out for some time; if you're with someone for 5 years, let's say... and they found someone else during the last year, that does not mean those years prior were a lie. besides, were they a lie to YOU? were YOU happy? did you feel loved and cared for during those good times?

 

if the answer is yes - then that's all that matters. it was good for you, if it wasn't good for her - that's her problem. you move on and carry the lovely memories with yourself - try to think about it that way.

 

 

In three words ; to simply put it ; ------ I feel betrayed .

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---- i dunno ... nice guys really do finish last in my experience

 

This really has nothing to do with niceguyism.

 

 

This is how women (and some men) are. People that don't want to be alone and don't want to be on their own and that have other options and other people that want to date them, will have the next one lined up ready to go before they let go of the current one. That is simply how it is.

 

 

It took me a long time to realize this and I wasted lots of time waiting for cute chicks to be single before I made my move. Eventually I figured out that cute chicks are never completely free and single and that they monkey swing from one to the next without hardly any down time in between.

 

 

If you want to be the next one on the list, you have to get your reservation in while she is still with the current one or you are going to be stuck watching on the sidelines.

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In three words ; to simply put it ; ------ I feel betrayed .

 

i know. i know exactly how that feels... MANY of us do. many of us were there.

 

the truth is, i have no clever advice because you just gotta go through this phase. it hurts, you're disappointed, you're betrayed, you feel awful for being lied to and you swear up and down you're about to go buy a cat and just call it a day with dating humans. but it will pass.

 

let yourself feel this, you know? a whole wide range of emotions you will go through until you finally heal. and there are many questions you won't get an answer to. it's all normal and human.

 

write, discuss, analyze. let it all out, i find it helpful.

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If you want to be the next one on the list, you have to get your reservation in while she is still with the current one or you are going to be stuck watching on the sidelines.

 

i think that's the OP's problem though -- he did get his reservation while she was still with her then boyfriend, if i understood correctly from the first post. then they started dating and she did the same to him.

 

i think THAT is the part the OP's struggling with. she did the same thing to him, what she did to her previous guy. swinging from one to another and it now becomes a PATTERN - that's what bothers him.

 

and naturally, the "what if she does that to me" doubt is now present if he'll go with the same tactic on another chick (again).

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In three words ; to simply put it ; ------ I feel betrayed .

 

 

 

Well yeah, you feel betrayed because in a way you definitely were. You were in a relationship thinking all was well when in reality she was making time with someone else and getting that relationship developed and off the ground and making her landing pad nice and soft for when she bailed on you. So yeah, that's betrayal. Seeing someone else while she's seeing you is cheating, pure and simple.

 

 

But in reality would you have felt any better if she had just dumped your @$$ and then sat home doing nothing??????

 

 

Would you have felt better if she had dumped you so she could take her dog for more walks or visit her Aunt Petunia more often? Would have felt better if she had dumped you and then went out looking for someone else?

 

 

The reality is one dumping isn't really any better or worse than any other dumping.

 

 

You just feel more betrayed when it is Sat night and you are sitting home because you got the rug pulled out from under you and caught off guard so you have no plans while she is out with her new BF that she was warming up while she was still with you.

 

 

Yeah that sucks but in the long run it really doesn't suck any more than getting dumped and you sitting home while she rearranges her furniture and puts a new coat of floor wax on the kitchen linoleum. They both suck equally bad and both pack a sting.

 

 

The key to getting over either scenario is to get over yourself and get out and do something fun and entertaining yourself and do something positive and constructive with yourself now that you have more time on your hands.

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i think that's the OP's problem though -- he did get his reservation while she was still with her then boyfriend, if i understood correctly from the first post. then they started dating and she did the same to him.

 

i think THAT is the part the OP's struggling with. she did the same thing to him, what she did to her previous guy. swinging from one to another and it now becomes a PATTERN - that's what bothers him.

 

and naturally, the "what if she does that to me" doubt is now present if he'll go with the same tactic on another chick (again).

 

 

 

Yeah I get that. But my point is that is how it is.

 

 

Most of us started going through this in our teens. Somehow he made it into his 30s before it happened to him.

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In three words ; to simply put it ; ------ I feel betrayed .

 

Enough to stop seeing her? Have you discussed it with her and the fact that you don't like how she manipulates many men at the same time?

 

Or did you just stay silent?

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i know. i know exactly how that feels... MANY of us do. many of us were there.

 

the truth is, i have no clever advice because you just gotta go through this phase. it hurts, you're disappointed, you're betrayed, you feel awful for being lied to and you swear up and down you're about to go buy a cat and just call it a day with dating humans. but it will pass.

 

* acceptance is what im working on ... NC and everything . I havent seen her in a month . I will see her again at work this week. I am afraid my streak of NC will get shattered because my feelings might start to mess with my head when i see her again for the first time .

 

let yourself feel this, you know? a whole wide range of emotions you will go through until you finally heal. and there are many questions you won't get an answer to. it's all normal and human.

 

write, discuss, analyze. let it all out, i find it helpful.

 

* I have been . Ive cried many nights . Went for long walks . Tried EVERY ANGLE ... but right now im just focusing on healing .

 

 

 

Ive come to the realization i will never get real answers and i am ok with that

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This really has nothing to do with niceguyism.

 

This is how women (and some men) are. People that don't want to be alone and don't want to be on their own and that have other options and other people that want to date them, will have the next one lined up ready to go before they let go of the current one. That is simply how it is.

 

* I see that now yes . I come from a monogamous type of lifestyle thats all .. I thought it was all about being fair to the other person ...

 

 

If you want to be the next one on the list, you have to get your reservation in while she is still with the current one or you are going to be stuck watching on the sidelines.

 

* This is the part i find difficult to swallow ... basically i should hang around till she dumps her ex so im next ? isnt that setting myself up for a rebound tho ? and im basically ripping off someone else's lover by doing that ?

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i think that's the OP's problem though -- he did get his reservation while she was still with her then boyfriend, if i understood correctly from the first post. then they started dating and she did the same to him. ''

 

* That is correct

 

i think THAT is the part the OP's struggling with. she did the same thing to him, what she did to her previous guy. swinging from one to another and it now becomes a PATTERN - that's what bothers him.

 

* Yup . The once a cheater always a cheater slogan fits right here correct ?

 

and naturally, the "what if she does that to me" doubt is now present if he'll go with the same tactic on another chick (again).

 

* I would never put anyone in the same ****ty situation im in right now . Messing with peoples emotions is one thing but making me feel like im worthless after making me feel that we had something ; not a good thing i wish upon anyone

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The key to getting over either scenario is to get over yourself and get out and do something fun and entertaining yourself and do something positive and constructive with yourself now that you have more time on your hands.

 

* ive been diligently working on myself these past weeks . basically dating myself and treating myself to new clothes, good food . Ive been working out . Looking the best i can be and even speaking to other women ...

 

But most importantly i promised myself to stick to NO CONTACT now and forever with this girl

 

Do you think one day she will come back tho ?

 

It really pisses me off that i work with her . it would be soooooooo much easier to get over if i did . THIS IS MY BIGGEST PET PEEVE from this whole thing

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Yeah I get that. But my point is that is how it is.

 

it isn't.

 

that is how it is from YOUR perspective. it's not unusual at all that the OP didn't experience this before -- folks, in general, who swing from one relationship to another really aren't common; contrary to the popular belief.

 

in 90% of all the break ups - there usually is someone waiting for the dumper. but when it becomes a pattern? the issues are far deeper and if you're naturally drawn to women who can't and don't know how to be alone - than you'll be convinced it's like that for EVERYONE.

 

goes right up in the "all the good ones are already taken" box.

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Most of us started going through this in our teens. Somehow he made it into his 30s before it happened to him.

 

* From my adult life ive dated on and off with girls . one highschool sweetheart that i was in love with but didnt work out . One serious gf that lasted only a year and a half but turned psychotic and i had no choice but to dump her . one booty call/friends with benefits that lasted for 2 years ..... and now this one that i work with .

 

believe it or not . I have NEVER been cheated on or been put in this type of situation that ---- Its all new to me tbh

 

Ive let people go and broke hearts,Relationships that eventually die off and some that even turn to be friends after all these years ... but never like this .

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Enough to stop seeing her? Have you discussed it with her and the fact that you don't like how she manipulates many men at the same time?

 

Or did you just stay silent?

 

* oh believe me ive done my schpeel of 'talk' with her . I got nothing out of it ...

 

Ive done all i can . Right now im just doing no contact .

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Do you think one day she will come back tho ?

 

honey, she probably won't. don't kill yourself with false hope, please. she is gone and it's done - try to accept that as some kind of final end.

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