Does the OW hurt more than the wife?

[Conqueror]

Hello,

 

I first posted here around the first of the month and I am feeling much better. I have a question: Does the OW hurt more than the wife? I had an affair with a married man last year and not at all proud of it. At first we were making plans to be together, get married, have children, etc. Then, the pain was unbearable. When the Sh** hit the fan at first and I was hurting, I would look at the wife's facebook page and she would post tons of pictures where they were smiling and looking happy. In the meantime, I was miserable.

 

I no longer look at her page, because it was not helping in my recovery at all. Do betrayed wives get over the affairs that their WH had with another woman faster than the OW herself?

[JessicaInGeorgia]

I don't think the pain can me measured as more or less. Both suffer a different kind of pain. I think the OW will suffer less long term pain than the BS, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt in the moment.

[Popsicle]

I believe there are quite a few OW here who have been BS's before. Maybe they can weigh in.

[dreamingoftigers]

I doubt it.

 

It imploded my life for years and I've often wondered if I made the right decision.

 

Frankly, the wife isn't going to post up a bunch of social media of her crying all night, her checking her husband's phone or how long it takes for him to go to the store and back.

 

She isn't going to post up about how much damage her husband's A has done to her family and self-esteem.

[Popsicle]

I don't think anyone can really say who hurts more or worse, except those who have been both. To downplay anyone's pain (esp. if you've not experienced it) is insulting.

[Popsicle]

Hello,

 

I first posted here around the first of the month and I am feeling much better. I have a question: Does the OW hurt more than the wife? I had an affair with a married man last year and not at all proud of it. At first we were making plans to be together, get married, have children, etc. Then, the pain was unbearable. When the Sh** hit the fan at first and I was hurting, I would look at the wife's facebook page and she would post tons of pictures where they were smiling and looking happy. In the meantime, I was miserable.

 

I no longer look at her page, because it was not helping in my recovery at all. Do betrayed wives get over the affairs that their WH had with another woman faster than the OW herself?

 

We know you're in pain and want to vent and need support, but comparing is senseless.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I personally know a few people who are unhappy and/or going through a rough time who from their social media updates alone one would think they have perfect lives.

[dreamingoftigers]

We know you're in pain and want to vent and need support, but comparing is senseless.

 

It's that whole "still in competition with the wife" thing.

 

Jeez, we NEVER wanted to play against anyone at all. I just wanted my little family, not a series of women with some weird "theoretical claim" on my husband that I supposedly "won" from them.

 

It wasn't a race. I was there first, long before the starter's pistol was ever fired.

 

Quit comparing yourself to the wife and her pain. You weren't even supposed to be there. Get it?

 

Paricipating as an AP is like letting Google Maps direct you into a brick wall.

[Popsicle]

It's that whole "still in competition with the wife" thing.

 

No, I don't think so.

 

She just want to talk about how much pain she is (which she CAN do here).

 

She is wondering when it will let up.

 

I will say this though, it does seem like it takes married OW a bit longer to recover (if they ever do at all) from A's than single OW. Mostly because if things stay the same in their M and they don't change their outlook about their marriage, they have nothing to look forward to and feel dreadful, whereas the SOW has the hope of finding someone else.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Conqueror, in my opinion it would be hard to compare the pain of the OW to the BS in any particular situation as there would be so many variables in the relationship of MM/OW and MM/BS or MW/BS.

 

In some instances the betrayed wife probably hurts worse and in some instances the OW probably hurts worse.

 

Also, in some instances the wayward husband or wife may hurt worse than the AP when things are over.

 

Although it seems useless to me to compare or contrast pain in these types of situations I do understand why you're doing it. Some people have a natural need to process their experiences and relationships in a very detailed way. If it's helping you to work through your pain, post away!

[Ms. Faust]

I don't think it is ever a good idea to compare one level of pain against another person's pain.

[dreamingoftigers]

No, I don't think so.

 

She just want to talk about how much pain she is (which she CAN do here).

 

She is wondering when it will let up.

 

I will say this though, it does seem like it takes married OW a bit longer to recover (if they ever do at all) from A's than single OW. Mostly because if things stay the same in their M and they don't change their outlook about their marriage, they have nothing to look forward to and feel dreadful, whereas the SOW has the hope of finding someone else.

 

I can somewhat get that.

[Conqueror]

No, I am not comparing myself to his wife at all. He told me that she was crazy and that he was leaving her, and I believed him at first. When i actually spoke with her, I found that she was a very nice person. I felt horrible about hurting her, and even worse for hurting my husband. AP seems to have gotten off scot-free. He would then tell her things to "get her in a good place," while still trying to spend time with me and telling me that he loved me. I stupidly thought the grass would be greener and considered leaving my husband for this man. After a while, I got tired of lying and I told my husband everything. Even things I hadn't planned on telling him. I promised his wife that I would never again be an issue in their marriage again.

[Grumpybutfun]

A fleeting secret affair based on duplicity and shame is nothing compared to a marriage where two people committed their lives to building a family and future with one another. If you think otherwise, you are in an affair fog or have a warped view of relationships. The wife is trying to hang onto normalcy and trying to protect her family and friends from her philandering husbands failings. You both picked an idiot. You have that in common. You can only compare that....I would get my mind on my marriage and off the BS's social media.

Move on and make better choices next time,

Grumps

[LivingWaterPlease]

A fleeting secret affair based on duplicity and shame is nothing compared to a marriage where two people committed their lives to building a family and future with one another. If you think otherwise, you are in an affair fog or have a warped view of relationships. The wife is trying to hang onto normalcy and trying to protect her family and friends from her philandering husbands failings. You both picked an idiot. You have that in common. You can only compare that....I would get my mind on my marriage and off the BS's social media.

Move on and make better choices next time,

Grumps

 

Are you making the point that because a marriage is of greater import than a fleeting affair is that you believe the betrayed wife has experienced greater pain than the MOW has in this situation?

[ShatteredLady]

There are all kinds of relationships between all kinds of people in all kinds of circumstances. I don't know. I can only speak for myself...

 

As a deeply in love, best friend, completely blindsided etc etc basically a ME kind of BS I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read your post. Bless you.

 

Being hurt, even really messed-up by a boyfriend, even for a few years really sucks. It's horrible. Feeling jealous. Being lied to. Splitting-up. It's a nasty experience. If that boyfriend is a MM I have no doubt that it adds layers of complexity. I'm sure it can be a heart breaking experience. You will get over it & move on with your life. Hopefully find a great partner to share your life with.

 

I hope you never know what I've been through, am still going through. I couldn't even start to imagine how many layers of.... agony, death of faith, meaning, esteem, FAMILY, Me, ....before I lived it. The panic attacks are still crippling. The depths of my depression are truly frightening me.

 

I cry uncontrollably everyday. I want to die just for some peace. Just to rest. Just to make the pain stop. I am forever changed. The world, reality is forever changed.

 

I used to be a pretty optimistic person, easy-going, happy with my little life with my little family. Pathetic I know! Now I see the world as a dark cruel place filled with selfish, shallow people. It has no meaning. What's the point? Any happiness is at best fleeting, or it's an illusion. At worst it's a big fat lie.

 

I guess if an OW spent 26 years sharing a "Magical Life" (as my H described it) with the love of her life. If she'd sacrificed self in so many ways for her man & her family. If she didn't know he could ever even think of loving another woman.

 

If she'd felt his hand on her pregnant belly & seen the tears in his eyes & he felt his children move for the first time. If her faith, life, meaning, joy, memories, bliss were tied to that man for a LIFETIME.

 

If she had blind faith that her man was FAMILY, forever, for better & for worse. If she'd felt that passion, warmth, commitment through so many of life's experiences, joys & tragedies & believed with every cell of her body that they would continue to share everything as they aged, until their dying day....

 

....AND THEN the OW discovered that he'd been lying & betraying EVERYTHING that she held sacred in her life. Killed her faith & meaning. Threatened to fundamentally effect the future of her children's lives. Ripped her heart out & tried to explain it as a fantasy because he was bored & didn't feel 'special'.

 

Made her so pathetic that even typing this makes her sob her heart out & run to the bathroom to vomit.....maybe you could compare the 2!

 

...As I said, there are all kinds of people in all kinds of relationships.

[Grumpybutfun]

Are you making the point that because a marriage is of greater import than a fleeting affair is that you believe the betrayed wife has experienced greater pain than the MOW has in this situation?

 

Yes. Marriage is a commitment/melding of lives. An affair is ego boosting/problem diversion. See the difference?

G

[Lovetoohard]

It's that whole "still in competition with the wife" thing.

 

Jeez, we NEVER wanted to play against anyone at all. I just wanted my little family, not a series of women with some weird "theoretical claim" on my husband that I supposedly "won" from them.

 

It wasn't a race. I was there first, long before the starter's pistol was ever fired.

 

Quit comparing yourself to the wife and her pain. You weren't even supposed to be there. Get it?

 

Paricipating as an AP is like letting Google Maps direct you into a brick wall.

 

I think you are mis-interpreting the OP's question. There are two distinct worlds that an A creates:

 

BS's world: WS cheating, lying, and doing things behind the BS's back, possible D-Day.

 

OW/OM's world: MM/MW future faking, lying, and creating a fantasy bubble that eventually bursts.

 

I am a former OW and can't speak on behalf of a BS, but I called it quits on my A because it wasn't fair to anybody in the dynamic but only satisfied the selfish MM. yes, I wasn't supposed to be there to begin with but he leaned on me as a friend and eventually more. I eventually understood that this man wasn't capable of loyalty and following through on promises made to anybody and was truly broken. Coming to this realization for any partner, as a spouse or AP, is painful. You can't compare the two.

[MuddyFootprints]

yes. Marriage is a commitment/melding of lives. An affair is ego boosting/problem diversion. See the difference?

G

 

^^^^^^ qft

[Poppy47]

I personally know a few people who are unhappy and/or going through a rough time who from their social media updates alone one would think they have perfect lives.

 

That is why it's called FakeBook

Poppy

[S2B]

Hello,

 

I first posted here around the first of the month and I am feeling much better. I have a question: Does the OW hurt more than the wife? I had an affair with a married man last year and not at all proud of it. At first we were making plans to be together, get married, have children, etc. Then, the pain was unbearable. When the Sh** hit the fan at first and I was hurting, I would look at the wife's facebook page and she would post tons of pictures where they were smiling and looking happy. In the meantime, I was miserable.

 

I no longer look at her page, because it was not helping in my recovery at all. Do betrayed wives get over the affairs that their WH had with another woman faster than the OW herself?

 

No. Plain and simple - that kind of pain and betrayal lasts a lifetime.

[Poppy47]

I can't really answer your question.

 

There was never a DDay with exMM. His wife never had any idea he was living a secret life for 7 years.

 

I am thinking that as a single OW, at least there is a chance to start again. A BW who chooses to stay has to look at her husband every day, knowing that he was able to be unfaithful by betraying the trust she had in him.

 

I do not understand how marriages ever recover from such a blow.

 

Be grateful that it's over and you can focus on your life now.

 

Poppy.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Yes. Marriage is a commitment/melding of lives. An affair is ego boosting/problem diversion. See the difference?

G

 

 

I saw the difference between marriage and an affair before I read your post.

 

But it doesn't seem to me that the OP is debating the importance or significance of marriage vs affair.

[imperfectangel]

This is a support forum for ow/om is it not? If you've never been a ow or om you can't know how it feels

[13Hearts]

I have never been married so I don't have exact experience to draw on to explain how a BW would feel. But I was engaged to a "man" who cheated on me and in doing so, and in not using protection with me after he had been with the OW, exposed me to STDs. Fortunately, I did not contract any but he did. This was when I was in my 20s and there were two devastating effects of his "affair." First was the trauma. Coming to find out was a very real threat to my life, as if someone had assaulted me and put a gun to my head. I could not control the shaking, especially when I had to relate the story to medical personnel who were performing tests and examinations.

 

Second was the loss of everything I had believed up until this point. It was the first time the world revealed to me that when a person says they are in love with you and want to marry you and build something with you, they could still cheat on you and hurt you. That marriage did not mean safety and security. Perhaps I had been naive up until this point but what the "affair" effectively did was shatter my reality. Completely. I became lost for quite a while and was sunk into a deep clinical depression.

 

I have never, in the 20 years since that event, recovered from the trauma, nor returned to the same carefree and trusting person I once was. I have great difficulty trusting in relationships and certain triggers will return me to that physical state and cause me to react in the same ways as I reacted when it actually happened. I believe this is PTSD.

 

Having been involved in two separate relationships as the OW, I can safely say that based on my experiences, it is likely much more painful for a wife to discover that her husband is not who she thought he was, and that her life with him and however many years she's spent with him are virtually LIES.

 

But given what I have experienced, and what I have witnessed others experiencing, to me, the problem is not that someone has "cheated" on you, or had sex outside of marriage, or future-faked and made a bunch of promises he or she never intended to keep. To me, the problem is that people in our society expect too much from other people, especially in relationships.

 

I don't believe marriage is all it's cracked up to be. I've known women whose husbands watch and read porn, and get addicted to it. Women married to men who are alcoholic or addicted to substances who don't act anything like a wife might wish them to. Women who are beat and even murdered by their partners. And women whose husbands have affairs their entire marriages. It must be very painful, not to mention difficult, for people who marry and discover they got a lot of dysfunction they didn't expect when they said "I do." From the outside looking in, I don't let it hurt me so much because I already know that "I do" is just two words someone says at a moment in time. They don't override a person's flaws, weaknesses, or selfishness. Those words are not magic. They're not going to turn a man into something he's incapable of being.

 

Men say all kinds of things. Especially the cheating kind. You have to be a little cynical, and a lot cautious. You need to be strong enough to stand on your own two feet. And if you thought a married man was going to come into your life and whisk you away from your troubles, or be your knight in shining armor, or give you the life you've always dreamed of, you really need to open your eyes and see that men are just people. Take off the rose colored glasses. Your dreams are just dreams. There is no perfect partner, and there is no perfect man. And the way you were perfect for one another was just affair fog.

 

If you're really, really hurting, you need to take a big step out of the picture you painted for your future with this person, and back into reality. See him for who he really is, not who you wanted him to be. He's just a married guy cheating on his wife and pretending he doesn't have all the responsibilities and obligations marriage carries. If you're not able to do this on your own in a matter of 2 or 3 weeks, you need to see a counselor or therapist to help you. That's what they're there for.