I've just decided to end it; I'm shaky at best

[laurarose10]

Hello all,

 

I guess I should say that I never thought I'd be searching the great abyss of the internet for support, as I've always felt surrounded by love. But here I am and I'm desperate to have contact with people who have been in a similar situation, one that I also never imagined myself in.

 

So for what it's worth, here is my story.

 

I met him by chance, fate (because I do believe in these mysterious experiences that bind people together, maybe I'm a fool;) I felt an instant rush of energy before my eyes even found where the culprit of this intense feeling was emerging from.

 

To keep you from boredom, we were to meet in the realm of teacher/student , but we never made it past our first lesson. We just talked for hours and after our freakishly connected views/experiences, chemistry etc., I had to take a step back and refocus and remember the natural boundaries that I have always respected naturally. That never happened.

 

It's now been 7 months of pure bliss together; when we are together the world takes new forms, new colors appear and I feel as though I'm the version of myself that I have always wanted to be, and that the love I always envisioned was finally at my feet.

 

After no promises of a future, we both knew we were too in love to leave, so we kept postponing the inevitable.. the end. After many tries to walk away, we came back running and the love was overflowing more and more.

 

I decided to go back home for the holidays, finally leaving us with a 3 week separation period. He has a wife (obviously) and a young son, and deep down I know he hoped that the spirit of the holidays would somehow rebind his family unit- it did the exact opposite.

 

When I arrived back to Europe, he spent a week at my place and told me of his decision to leave (he had never previously discussed this as a possibility, only a dream).. that he saw his life flash before him and it didn't feel right... so he asked for two months to get things done. I agreed and have been waiting, and all his actions supported his commitment to me.. lots of time together, more than I imagine most people expect to get from a MP.

 

But here we are.. and I felt that the last time I saw him leave my apartment had to be for the last... I just felt that my trust in his ability to leave was diminishing... I can't really explain it. I didn't think another few weeks would have made any significant difference, he appeared weaker in my eyes, and I knew that I should speak up about ending it, and not torture myself any longer.

 

Nothing drastic occurred, we were always sharing love and lightness, but now I felt I have reached my breaking point. So I did what I thought I had to and told him, now or never, that I can go back to where I was passively waiting for him. I needed real action, and he came with this shocker-

 

He has realized that his son has completely bonded with him more than with his mother and I can't face leaving him when I feel like I am the only parent who is really nurturing his growth. He feels the responsibility outweighs his personal happiness. He also believes his wife never really wanted children.

 

He has told me he hasn't been happy with his wife, well before the child came along, and then things never got any better, just worse. She is depressed, suspecting, but has turned into the submissive version of herself because she would rather stay silent than rock the boat, the boat she would never leave willingly.

 

So as he has completely fallen off on the other end once I have finally stopped accepting my current position, of living off of the crumbs (no matter how much they have grown) and that I need to move on with/out him. He chose without.

 

It's only been a few days, but I'm not sleeping, eating is a major problem and my world seems to have turned dark, when once there was only light and infinite goals just around the corner for us.

 

I can't turn to my family, all my friends are far away and I'm feeling isolated beyond my spectrum of comprehension. Living abroad has only escalated this truth of being alone. I have friends here, but none that I would feel confident sharing this with.

 

I know I've rambled here, and most of you will walk away before paragraph two, and I would understand. It has helped me just to write it all down.

 

I know I need to establish NC, I'm just so weak and would greatly appreciate any and all advice on how to remember my worth and stop settling for false hopes. There is no future if he won't leave, and if he chooses to be miserable, then that is his choice. I opened my home to him and his child and I never made him choose, I would never. But now, he has.

 

Please help me achieve the power of self again,

 

Only love and gratitude to you all

[imsosad]

My dear,

Im so sorry for what you are going through. I know you feel that what happened between the two of you is special and different and hard to explain,but the truth is that it sounds very similar to many,if not most,affairs. I am not saying this to minimise your pain,which is enormous and obvious. I am saying it to normalise your experience. Many of us have been where you are and made it through. You will too.

If you read here you know by now that the chances of an affair turning in to a healthy,lasting relationship are next to zero. It just doesnt work that way. My ex AP also at one point announced he was divorcing for me and it took him very little time to backtrack. I am also married,there was a time i thought i wanted us both to leave and marry each other,but i too was not ready to step up and do it.

You have to know there will be better days and bleak,bad days. Waves of pain.hurt.you will miss him. You must think of the end point. An affair is all he is offering you.do you want it?

It is most likely all he will ever offer.

An affair takes its toll on our self esteem. As a married woman,i still hated feeling second best.even though he was second best too!

An affair typically leads to so much pain.you do not want that pain,so you havecto let go of the affair.

It is crucial to maintain no contact. No peeking at his fb page either!

I have been nc for seven months. It has SAVED me. Saved my sanity,my life.

I have just been religiously compliant to it.it will heart alot,buy its the only way.

You wont be feeling like this forever.what you are feeling now is temporary. There is a much better future for you out there,with someone who will be yours,who will put you first.a relationship you can be proud of and not a dirty secret to hide.

Better things arewaiting for you.hold on to that thought and make it through.

If you have one close person you can confide in,it helps alot. My best friend supported me through it,told me to call and text her whenever i got overwhelmed with an urge to break nc.

Be strong,you will be alright.

[Popsicle]

Hello all,

 

I guess I should say that I never thought I'd be searching the great abyss of the internet for support, as I've always felt surrounded by love. But here I am and I'm desperate to have contact with people who have been in a similar situation, one that I also never imagined myself in.

 

So for what it's worth, here is my story.

 

I met him by chance, fate (because I do believe in these mysterious experiences that bind people together, maybe I'm a fool;) I felt an instant rush of energy before my eyes even found where the culprit of this intense feeling was emerging from.

 

To keep you from boredom, we were to meet in the realm of teacher/student , but we never made it past our first lesson. We just talked for hours and after our freakishly connected views/experiences, chemistry etc., I had to take a step back and refocus and remember the natural boundaries that I have always respected naturally. That never happened.

 

It's now been 7 months of pure bliss together; when we are together the world takes new forms, new colors appear and I feel as though I'm the version of myself that I have always wanted to be, and that the love I always envisioned was finally at my feet.

 

After no promises of a future, we both knew we were too in love to leave, so we kept postponing the inevitable.. the end. After many tries to walk away, we came back running and the love was overflowing more and more.

 

I decided to go back home for the holidays, finally leaving us with a 3 week separation period. He has a wife (obviously) and a young son, and deep down I know he hoped that the spirit of the holidays would somehow rebind his family unit- it did the exact opposite.

 

When I arrived back to Europe, he spent a week at my place and told me of his decision to leave (he had never previously discussed this as a possibility, only a dream).. that he saw his life flash before him and it didn't feel right... so he asked for two months to get things done. I agreed and have been waiting, and all his actions supported his commitment to me.. lots of time together, more than I imagine most people expect to get from a MP.

 

But here we are.. and I felt that the last time I saw him leave my apartment had to be for the last... I just felt that my trust in his ability to leave was diminishing... I can't really explain it. I didn't think another few weeks would have made any significant difference, he appeared weaker in my eyes, and I knew that I should speak up about ending it, and not torture myself any longer.

 

Nothing drastic occurred, we were always sharing love and lightness, but now I felt I have reached my breaking point. So I did what I thought I had to and told him, now or never, that I can go back to where I was passively waiting for him. I needed real action, and he came with this shocker-

 

He has realized that his son has completely bonded with him more than with his mother and I can't face leaving him when I feel like I am the only parent who is really nurturing his growth. He feels the responsibility outweighs his personal happiness. He also believes his wife never really wanted children.

 

He has told me he hasn't been happy with his wife, well before the child came along, and then things never got any better, just worse. She is depressed, suspecting, but has turned into the submissive version of herself because she would rather stay silent than rock the boat, the boat she would never leave willingly.

 

So as he has completely fallen off on the other end once I have finally stopped accepting my current position, of living off of the crumbs (no matter how much they have grown) and that I need to move on with/out him. He chose without.

 

It's only been a few days, but I'm not sleeping, eating is a major problem and my world seems to have turned dark, when once there was only light and infinite goals just around the corner for us.

 

I can't turn to my family, all my friends are far away and I'm feeling isolated beyond my spectrum of comprehension. Living abroad has only escalated this truth of being alone. I have friends here, but none that I would feel confident sharing this with.

 

I know I've rambled here, and most of you will walk away before paragraph two, and I would understand. It has helped me just to write it all down.

 

I know I need to establish NC, I'm just so weak and would greatly appreciate any and all advice on how to remember my worth and stop settling for false hopes. There is no future if he won't leave, and if he chooses to be miserable, then that is his choice. I opened my home to him and his child and I never made him choose, I would never. But now, he has.

 

Please help me achieve the power of self again,

 

Only love and gratitude to you all

 

You can't continue to be his OW on the side forever, which is what he will want. You have to end it by going NC. The breadcrumbs are not worth you self respect and dignity and deserve more.

[privategal]

You are normal. Its only withdrawal symptoms from the daily communication and expressions of love leaving a void.

I've come to believe it isn't rejection of "us" in most cases...but rather a need for MM to regain control in their lives.

They get swept away right with the ap and are in a whirlwind of love, mixed with fear, frustrations of wanting sometimes both women, guilt...

Can you imagine sitting at the dinner table with a loving wife and child talking about normal family things when your mind is a million miles away...you cant commit totally to home life, nor to your AP and your heart feels like chopped liver.

That state of ambivalence outweighs the bliss often times as you truly want peace and to commit to something...ANYTHING fully.

Often times the option of commitment to AP longterm is riddled with way more questions and uncertainty and the need to disrupt alot of lives and cause alot of pain.

It seems not worth all the pain and risk and it becomes safer and easier...even comforting to end it and get that control back.

Often, I think a strong love is still their on the MMs part for their ap but they can push it down, compartmentalize it to regain some peace in their lives and to not be two people anymore.

Have faith this storm will pass in time and that it truly is for the best.

Do not waiver. Just try to relax and keep moving.

[minimariah]

he made his choice -- start with that.

 

when you're going through some difficult times & false hope - remember that. remember that he chickened out & pulled back when it was the time to move forward with the final decision. it is what it is.

 

don't think too much about what WAS or could have been... try to focus on your present and your future. block him on everything, change passwords or delete your accounts and try to write down a list of the things that will help you remember why is the NC necessary.

 

so every time you get tempted - read that list and remind yourself of all the WHYs you need to stay away. if he truly wants you, he will come to you with divorce papers - do not settle for anything less.

 

good luck!

 

p.s. if you don't have any friends or family you can currently confide in - write here. it's super therapeutic and people are generally nice, kind & helpful. so during those hard times, you can write about it here.

[among the pines]

Hi laurarose10 - I'm a Laura too I just wanted to tell you I read through your whole story. It is the same reason that brought me to this site. I met my mm a little over a year ago via FB. We had a rather intense EA for months before meeting and entering into a PA (he doesn't live near me). I have no doubt he was in love with me. Riding on that intense euphoria he made all types of promises - i.e. "future faking". Even after his wife found out he still wanted to be with me. He supposedly "separated".

 

Fast forward a little bit and I kind of went nutty on him because I felt really BAD about participating in something I knew was wrong. I blew hot and cold on him for a few days and told him I didn't want to talk to him.....I still wonder if I drove him away and whether he would have lived up to his promise of "wait for me for a year until I get my kids settled", etc.

 

But in the end he decided to go back. He didn't really even have the decency to tell me outright; he just threw out some esoteric statements like I was supposed to read between the lines. This is the same man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

I've been in NC since Nov. 11th when he sent me a brief one line email wishing me a happy birthday. I didn't think I would ever hear from him again or I would haver blocked him, although I admit I still haven't - clinging to some minute mustard seed of hope that I will hear from him. Meanwhile I am certain he is trying to play happy family and goodness there must be a lot of tension in that household now and I'm sure he is miserable.

 

I am glad you forced his hand because otherwise as you said you would just be passively waiting as you put it - probably for as long as you were willing to be the OW. I know it hurts like hell and you miss him, but please please stay true to YOU, and NC. Things will get better. I know I'm a hypocrite in saying this, but I would block him everywhere. The one line b-day email I received from him threw me into an emotional tailspin.

 

And please try to take care of yourself. Keep doing what you're doing by posting here. Try to find another person you can trust to talk to in person. That is hard because so many people are going to judge about something like this.

 

I lost ten lbs. after the fallout from mine and several people asked me if I was ill. Ugh. It's hard to eat, sleep or concentrate on anything in the beginning. It does get better, I promise.

[OWAmy]

Have you gone no contact with him? Have you stated that you don't want him to contact you by any means ever again? I ask because, for me, I had to finally spell it out in an email that time had expired for 'us' and I was walking away. I didn't want any scrap of hope that he would ever return divorced and think that he could contact me. Mine did leave and file for divorce but the six months leading up to it nearly destroyed me emotionally and once left I thought - I don't want this man - married, going through a divorce or simgle. They are fantasists, cut from the same cloth. Single OW and MM dynamic is the worst of the lot!!

 

In time you will feel powerful that you laid down what you wanted and in some ways he did a kind thing telling you the situation with his child and not leading you on any further. Now is the turning point - if you go back you will really devalue you yourself as you'd be going in at a lesser position than before.

 

These guys are damaged goods. They appear good on the surface but over time their character shows through. No one can tell me that my XMM was the perfect husband and just treated me badly. That's BS. This is a deeply ingrained part of who they are as a person!!

 

You will be fine - you brought this to a head very early on!!

[imsosad]

Liking your comment is just not enough:)

You hit the nail right on the head.

I had a wow moment when i realised-wait,this guy's wife is miserable.she has this grand prize and this is how he treats her. No,thanks!!

I am also married and i guess you can say the same about me,but i feel i at least recognized my error and wanted to make it right.my xap was more than happy to carry on.

There are very few miracles in these A. Most of the time,they are people at their worst.imo.

[anika99]

"[ now been 7 months of pure bliss together; when we are together the world takes new forms, new colors appear and I feel as though I'm the version of myself that I have always wanted to be, and that the love I always envisioned was finally at my feet"

 

You really fell in love with the way the MM mirrored the perfect image of yourself back to you. It's kind of like falling in love with yourself.

 

So the MM is the one more bonded with his son and he is the only nurturing parent? Yet he routinely wastes time that he should be spending with his son with you instead. He can even spend a whole week with you at a time with nary a concern for his son's wellbeing. Let's think this through. If he divorces his wife he can get shared custody and probably end up with more quality one on one time with his son than he has now. But I bet he would really hate that. It would totally ruin his sexy romantic fantasy with you. Right now he can just take off and play the role of your perfect fantasy man knowing full well that his wife loves her child and is taking care of his sons needs.

 

He too has fallen in love with himself through your eyes. It is a narcissistic love that most of us experience in the infatuation stage of a new relationship. It's a heady feeling but not sustainable and not really love for the other person.

[waterwoman]

So the MM is the one more bonded with his son and he is the only nurturing parent? Yet he routinely wastes time that he should be spending with his son with you instead. He can even spend a whole week with you at a time with nary a concern for his son's wellbeing.

 

Hmmm.... saints preserve any child from bonding like that

 

 

<whispers> I think he may be lying.....

[Liam1]

Hello all,

 

He has told me he hasn't been happy with his wife, well before the child came along,

 

I think you are doing the right thing by going no contact with this man. He is most likely lying to you about his feelings for his wife.

 

If he made the above quoted statement, and he believed it, he would have divorced her before having a child.

 

If he really felt that way and he did not divorce her, then maybe you might want to ask yourself why he would stay in a marriage with no children and a wife he was not happy with.

 

Is he insecure? Is he a masochist?

 

That one statement he made to you that I have quoted casts a lot doubt on him.

 

Personally, I have known a lot of men who will lie to an affair partner for many reasons. Sometime they do this to alleviate their guilt by rewriting their marital history and demonizing the wife. Or maybe they do it to feel good about themselves. Or, maybe to string the affair partner along.

 

Anyway, you are doing the right thing by ending it.

[laurarose10]

I really don't have words, just tears of gratitude for each and every one of you who has taken the time to share their stories, encouraging messages and well wishes. Thank you all! From the first word of the first reply, I felt less alone. I have to admit, I did tell him if he is concrete in his change of heart, and that it's the responsibility to his son (this sounds horrible, but I think he's using this as the easiest scapegoat, not that he shouldn't put his child first, but he doesn't need to do it from the confines of a dysfunctional home.) This whole thing started on Monday, and we have exchanged some messages, mostly me telling him that he was very cruel to tell me we'd be living together in a matter of weeks and now we have come to this. I TOTALLY agree that if I don't lay down the law of NC, then he will try and keep me here forever. He knows i'm at my weakest point right now. This is true, but it's also true that I must smell the roses and fake it till I make it, so to speak. Any communication I get from him brings a sense of high.. even when the words aren't what I hoped for... it's the attachment to him and our togetherness, I know that's for sure. But it's still so fresh to me, that I can't help but reply and wait for his next move. I can't even look at myself in the mirror, I don't know this version of myself.. like a rag doll, just looking for anything from him. I have spoken my peace to him, I think he has too, but he keeps the messages coming to hook me into thinking we're ok... or whatever, i'm not too sure. But this isn't a fight, this is a goodbye. Next time he writes to me, I will spell it out- you made your final bed- now sleep in it.

 

Thank you again for all the support. It means a world of difference already. I hope you are all finding the peace and strength within your own battles and see that YOU are putting YOU first. I will follow your lead!!

[Ruffian1]

"He has realized that his son has completely bonded with him more than with his mother and I can't face leaving him when I feel like I am the only parent who is really nurturing his growth. He feels the responsibility outweighs his personal happiness. He also believes his wife never really wanted children."

 

Really?? LOL

 

 

What a crock of you know what.

 

 

I bet his wife spends way more time raising the child and taking care of the day-to-day details of providing warmth, instruction and basic care than this cheater ever has. Is she running around with another man, having an affair?

 

 

These MM never cease to amaze me. He is making himself out to be a martyr. lol He is just another garden variety cheating MM bad-mouthing his wife to the OW.

 

 

You should stay away from him.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Ruffian1

[privategal]

I really don't have words, just tears of gratitude for each and every one of you who has taken the time to share their stories, encouraging messages and well wishes. Thank you all! From the first word of the first reply, I felt less alone. I have to admit, I did tell him if he is concrete in his change of heart, and that it's the responsibility to his son (this sounds horrible, but I think he's using this as the easiest scapegoat, not that he shouldn't put his child first, but he doesn't need to do it from the confines of a dysfunctional home.) This whole thing started on Monday, and we have exchanged some messages, mostly me telling him that he was very cruel to tell me we'd be living together in a matter of weeks and now we have come to this. I TOTALLY agree that if I don't lay down the law of NC, then he will try and keep me here forever. He knows i'm at my weakest point right now. This is true, but it's also true that I must smell the roses and fake it till I make it, so to speak. Any communication I get from him brings a sense of high.. even when the words aren't what I hoped for... it's the attachment to him and our togetherness, I know that's for sure. But it's still so fresh to me, that I can't help but reply and wait for his next move. I can't even look at myself in the mirror, I don't know this version of myself.. like a rag doll, just looking for anything from him. I have spoken my peace to him, I think he has too, but he keeps the messages coming to hook me into thinking we're ok... or whatever, i'm not too sure. But this isn't a fight, this is a goodbye. Next time he writes to me, I will spell it out- you made your final bed- now sleep in it.

 

Thank you again for all the support. It means a world of difference already. I hope you are all finding the peace and strength within your own battles and see that YOU are putting YOU first. I will follow your lead!!

 

He wont believe you though so prepare to block or close that email because a MM who is not prepared to stop cake eating with you will pull any string to keep you on the line. And you admit you are weak. You've gotta not be able to even see and hear that contact.

Not only that..but do you really NEED one ladt last painful goodbye talk. Hes said and done it all. Every single last word he says and you say, you will analyze for months after. Why did he say he will miss me? Or why didn't he try to talk me out of it? Or why was he so cold? What did this mean or that mean...? Do you start to see my point? You don't have to wait. You can ghost and go dark now. Its civil now. Let it stay that way.

We ALL say block here to the point that it gets redundant and the message gets lost...but no, right here, blocking is power, its taking control, its not allowing you to obsess over your phone, to be weak, to analyze, to give him or even you the last word. You can close that door today. And start to be free and take some time to gather yourself. I always think a day trip or a few days or any change of routine or scenery is good. His wife gets the cheater back. You get freedom.

Yes, you gotta own your part, but you can choose to finally close the door for him for good and lock it. He would likely weaken himself and come sniffing around, but you will already be on with your life. You got this but do rhis for him...dont even allow him to make the next move. How many times do you need to hear his fake pitiful rejection? Ice him, ghost him, be done and mean it.

[13Hearts]

THIS:

It's now been 7 months of pure bliss together; when we are together the world takes new forms, new colors appear and I feel as though I'm the version of myself that I have always wanted to be, and that the love I always envisioned was finally at my feet.

 

Is just falling in love. It's the result of all those feel-good chemicals that flood your brain when you meet, get to know, have sex with, and fall in love with someone new. He's not special; it can happen to you again with someone else. Take it from me; I've done it lots of times, and for some reason I always look back and wonder how, lol.

 

This experience came to you for a reason. THAT is fate working. HE is not your fate. Do not confuse the messenger with the message. There is a life lesson to learn here and pain will be your teacher. Your job is to survive through the pain and keep your mind open so that you may learn and grow. IDK how old you are or where (what country) you came from, but I'm glad you have taken this step in reaching out for support and assistance in your journey. Keep coming here, reading, posting, and sharing.

[OWAmy]

I am in total agreement with 13hearts. I've fallen in love like this, quite a few times that's why I'm relaxed about finishing my affair - I never thought he was the love of my life or soul mate. I'd already had that same feeling a couple of times before! It always dies out any way over time; although with my xMM that feeling remained for five years.

 

Google 'karmic relationships', I'm surprised there isn't more mention of these on here. This is an accurate description of what I experienced in my affair. I believe I was fated to have an affair - it was a natural (negative) progression from my previous history of emotionally unavailable men. Do I think I have been damaged my affair? NO. I had the wake-up call and from then on things were never the same.

 

What are you going to do with regards to your marriage?

[OWAmy]

@privatelegal

 

I don't think everyone's capable of 'ghosting' or 'going dark'. These are things I couldn't personally do. It would have been easier if I could, but I'd have felt that there was no conclusion, there might be what ifs hanging around. I've never understood how you can go 'no contact' if you don't inform the other person you're going no contact. I couldn't go 'low contact' either. I prefer the cutting final email that is matter of fact with no ambiguity and romanticising.

[make-this-stick]

You are normal. Its only withdrawal symptoms from the daily communication and expressions of love leaving a void.

I've come to believe it isn't rejection of "us" in most cases...but rather a need for MM to regain control in their lives.

They get swept away right with the ap and are in a whirlwind of love, mixed with fear, frustrations of wanting sometimes both women, guilt...

Can you imagine sitting at the dinner table with a loving wife and child talking about normal family things when your mind is a million miles away...you cant commit totally to home life, nor to your AP and your heart feels like chopped liver.

That state of ambivalence outweighs the bliss often times as you truly want peace and to commit to something...ANYTHING fully.

Often times the option of commitment to AP longterm is riddled with way more questions and uncertainty and the need to disrupt alot of lives and cause alot of pain.

It seems not worth all the pain and risk and it becomes safer and easier...even comforting to end it and get that control back.

Often, I think a strong love is still their on the MMs part for their ap but they can push it down, compartmentalize it to regain some peace in their lives and to not be two people anymore.

Have faith this storm will pass in time and that it truly is for the best.

Do not waiver. Just try to relax and keep moving.

 

Absolutely this. ^^ This is what my exmm said to me, almost to the word.

[make-this-stick]

And I need to add....these children hardly seem to exist when MM decide to embark on affairs, but they become very useful to hide behind when MM don't want to leave their marriages for the OW.

[13Hearts]

You are normal. Its only withdrawal symptoms from the daily communication and expressions of love leaving a void.

I've come to believe it isn't rejection of "us" in most cases...but rather a need for MM to regain control in their lives.

They get swept away right with the ap and are in a whirlwind of love, mixed with fear, frustrations of wanting sometimes both women, guilt...

Can you imagine sitting at the dinner table with a loving wife and child talking about normal family things when your mind is a million miles away...you cant commit totally to home life, nor to your AP and your heart feels like chopped liver.

That state of ambivalence outweighs the bliss often times as you truly want peace and to commit to something...ANYTHING fully.

Often times the option of commitment to AP longterm is riddled with way more questions and uncertainty and the need to disrupt alot of lives and cause alot of pain.

It seems not worth all the pain and risk and it becomes safer and easier...even comforting to end it and get that control back.

Often, I think a strong love is still their on the MMs part for their ap but they can push it down, compartmentalize it to regain some peace in their lives and to not be two people anymore.

Have faith this storm will pass in time and that it truly is for the best.

Do not waiver. Just try to relax and keep moving.

 

Well said PrivateGal!!!

[laurarose10]

Yes, thank you!!! I agree with all your points, the love between us have never been at question for either of us. It's the painful fact that the two lives must end and we have to choose one, the family foundation is always easier and more comforting to return to. There is also 8 years between us, and although it hasn't been an issue whatsoever, I know it's hard for him to make a leap for someone who he feels still has a lot of freedom or independence so to speak. I really appreciate your outlook and the positive angle that you provided, it helps to not feel so damn angry about it all. Best of luck to you as well! Let's chase the sun

[laurarose10]

well said!!

[privategal]

@privatelegal

 

I don't think everyone's capable of 'ghosting' or 'going dark'. These are things I couldn't personally do. It would have been easier if I could, but I'd have felt that there was no conclusion, there might be what ifs hanging around. I've never understood how you can go 'no contact' if you don't inform the other person you're going no contact. I couldn't go 'low contact' either. I prefer the cutting final email that is matter of fact with no ambiguity and romanticising.

I think its mean and cruel EXCEPT that in this case they have had the talks, the pain and prolonging goodbye seemed to be more painful than accept and shut off. Overall its a horrible strategy you are right but sometimes theres a place for it.

[Lois_Griffin]

And I need to add....these children hardly seem to exist when MM decide to embark on affairs, but they become very useful to hide behind when MM don't want to leave their marriages for the OW.

I've found this to be 100% true.

 

When a married man or woman is spending whatever time they can manage away from their family with their affair partner, is spending time sending secret texts and emails and what-not every chance they get when they're at home, and thinking about their affair partner and/or plotting their next 'escape' while at home with the family, how much time are they REALLY dedicating to these children they claim to love so much?

 

More so, when they're constantly gambling with the very security of these children's lives - risking the possible breakup of the family unit should they get caught having an affair - who are they REALLY putting first? Certainly not their kids.

 

So it always rings a bit hollow to me when a married man or woman is willing to risk their children's welfare every single day for their own selfish satisfaction, yet will turn around and use those same children as their REASON for 'martyring' themselves and staying married.

 

The whole thing sounds so phony.

[lemondrop21]

Hi laurarose, you and I are going through somewhat similar situations right now although my exMM did not future fake me for very long. In the very early stages of the A he said his marriage was already over, then backed away from that and then we didn't talk about the future for months. Two weeks ago he told me that he thinks about a future for us all the time but can't leave because he can't destroy the kids' worlds. So, done.

 

I am struggling with NC as well (or rather, LC for me, as he works with me). During week 1 post-breakup we had three lengthy conversations about why things wouldn't work. It was just this awful waterfall of emotion from both of us and I don't know that it really helped anything. I do believe at some point you just have to cut it off - he's made his decision, so try to respect it, and encourage HIM to respect it too.

 

This MM will probably try and re-set things between you soon. Two days ago was day 14 post-breakup for us, and we had another conversation where he was hinting at wanting to go back to the affair. It was insulting and I'm getting angrier about it by the hour. I feel like, how can he possibly think I'd be happy being the OW indefinitely? I'm supposed to just accept my position in his life for the sake of his poor children? Please. I hope this is how you're starting to feel, too. Tapping into your anger can be very helpful. I know these MM are human and struggling, but please realize that they are also very broken people.