Coming to grips with fact that I could be the OM in an EA

[SoTiredOfBeingAlone]

Before reading these forums it had never even dawned on me that EA's were a thing. Oblivious I suppose but I never really thought about Affairs as anything other than sexual.

 

Anyway here is my story. I met this wonderful woman while playing an online game and felt a powerful connection right from the get go. We started out as friends but the more we talked the more feelings I started feeling for her. I never asked her about her "status" because I didn't want to scare her away in case she wasn't interested in anything more than being friends. I figured it would eventually come up organically and didn't want to push it. I should mention that the first thing we bonded over was the fact that we lived relatively close to each other. Less than an hours drive so this really made me feel like I met her for a reason.

 

Not only did we connect on pretty much every trivial level, we also found we had a deep connection on our overall philosophies on life, values and what we wanted for the rest of our lives. Long story short, we shared many intimate details with each other and I was more convinced than ever that we truly were meant to be together. There was literally nothing we ever disagreed on or didn't have in common.

 

We were talking quite a bit for a month or two before she finally confessed that she was married with kids. That revelation really hurt me because like I said before, I had really started to develop feelings for her. It really caught me off guard because we were talking ALOT at all times of the day and never once did she mention or infer anything close to being attached in any way. I also would have bet my life savings that she was single because of how much we were constantly in contact. Would have imagined if you're attached you wouldn't be available seemingly 24/7. She seemed very happy that I didn't immediately disappear after learning this fact. I told her it was hard for me because I had started developing feelings for her. She went on to tell me that her and husband have been having problems for years and wasn't sure if she wanted to stay married to him anymore. This gave me hope and I took it as a sign that she had developed feelings for me as well and was telling me this to keep me around.

 

The more we talked and shared the more exhilarated I became. We shared our hopes and dreams, talked of plans for all of the fun things we'd do in our shared future, even talked about a potential family we might have one day. (I've wanted kids more than anything since I was a child. This is what put me over the edge and made me fall head over heels for her) I have been divorced for about 5 years now and have been feeling very lonely lately. I want nothing more than to find love once and for all and the one I'm going to be with for the rest of my life. I've always been more of a sensitive guy and the type who wants to take care of my partner and to be there for them mentally, physically and emotionally no matter what. This is what I am hoping to find in a partner as well and I was convinced I had...

 

Things changed once her husband found out about "us". She planted me firmly back in the friend zone and had been hesitant to talk to me much anymore. We literally went from communicating non-stop all day every day to barely exchanging messages once a day, sometimes days went by with no communication at all which killed me. As I mentioned before, I really allowed myself to fall for her completely and had allowed myself to fantasize about and truly envision all of the things we talked about coming true one day.

 

There is more to this story but I'm kinda frazzled and don't want to keep writing anymore at the moment because this situation is still unresolved as of now. I'm currently caught in the middle of these feelings of holding out hope that someday all of these things will still come true or that I was nothing more than an EA because I was able to give her that spark and genuine care that she hadn't been getting at home. I get really anxious bouncing between these feelings and the uncertainty and I just don't know what to do.

 

Any advice/insight/questions/comments welcomed.

 

Thank you for reading.

Edited January 27, 2016 by SoTiredOfBeingAlone

[RySant]

I am not sure what to say to you, man. The thing she did with you is called here as "future faking" and she lead you on obviously. That's the price you pay when you fall in love with someone who is married. Promises of divorce, being with you etc etc. are things MM/MW will tell their other man/woman to keep them hanging. Once D-Day comes (Discovery Day), all promises will be forgotten and you'll be left hanging, just like what you are experiencing right now.

 

Honestly, your story is not unique at all. And I know you let your feelings go crazy due to loneliness. I hope you find the right girl for you who deserve the love you just describe here.

 

Wishing you the best.

[Lady2163]

Sadly, you were a distraction for her and a way to avoid real life.

 

She probably genuinely wishes you two could be together or wishes she could give it a chance. Reality slaps her in the face when she looks at her husband or children.

 

MM and I didn't do any future faking. I used to tease him and say, "If David Cassidy walks up your driveway and sweeps your wife off her feet, I better be your next choice." That was the only way we would have been together.

 

Deep down, I know I was a distraction for him. I was someone who didn't put any pressure on him. I didn't expect him to be a partner, a father, a husband, a bread winner or a fixer of problems. We were together many years and never had a fight. But, we also didn't face the day-to-day pressures or drudgery.

[FusionCutter]

It was clearly a dead-end. Take care of yourself, pick yourself up, and shut her out. I'm afraid you've mixed up her along with your online games - it's just a fantasy. The game is over and you've got to come to reality with it.

 

Take care of yourself - that's what's most important. Seek other human connections.

[SoTiredOfBeingAlone]

Thank you all for the replies and kind words.

 

A little more context. Even before D-Day she started pulling back a little. I could tell she began distancing herself a little. We talked about it and it was because she started feeling really guilty about all of the things we had been discussing. D-Day happened right around Christmas. Since then our only means of communication had to be through the game. It was this way for a few weeks until recently this past week she has started texting me again. Not only that but we actually had a really great 2 hour conversation the other night on the phone.

 

Things are still in the friend zone in terms of the types of things we discussed but she clearly still likes me even after I've told her how attached and anxious I am with all of this. She continues down her own path of self discovery and it genuinely sounds like it could go either way with her marriage. I'm scared to put an end to things in case she really does see a future with me and I ruin it all because of my anxiety and inability to deal with the uncertainty. She has told me multiple times that I need to be patient and that we should form a solid foundation of friendship for anything else that could possibly come down the road. In my heart of hearts I know she is not "playing" me and genuinely cares about me a lot but at the end of the day she is still married and is off limits until that changes.

 

I just don't know what to do. I feel like telling her that I just can't deal with this any longer and to get in touch with me if she's still interested after she has a resolution in her marriage one way or another. I just can't get over the fear that if I do that I could be ruining the chance I have with someone very special with whom I feel like I could be together with for the long haul.

 

Thank you all again for the replies. I look forward to your comments because it helps me get perspective outside of my emotional lenses. Feel free to ask questions for clarification as well. Thanks!

[TheWoman]

Im afraid there is only one answer here. You need to put her in no contact.

 

Explain that you care about her, and you would really like to get to know her better in real life. BUT because she is married that cannot happen. So if things change, and her and her husband are no longer together (not living together), ask her to please get back in touch. But until that happens there is nothing more to say or do.

 

There are lots of guides to no contact. But you must embrace it. Put her to the back of your mind and live your life as if you never met her.

 

Im sorry, but what she did was tricking you. The only healthy way forward for her is to resolve her issues with her marriage one way or another. And if you continue and allow it to develop into a full blown affair, then she is a cheat, and you dont fair much better.

[Liam1]

Sotiredofbeingalone:

 

This woman is married and she was probably looking for a distraction and an escape from the day to day reality of marriage.

 

An affair is a fantasy and fantasy is always exciting and I am sure she enjoyed the ego strokes you gave her.

 

Still, if you are looking for a REAL relationship, rather than a fantasy affair relationship, there are so many nice single women out there who would likely enjoy the pleasure of your attentions.

 

Have you tried one of the dating sites for singles?

[Grewd]

Yeah, that's the weakness of fantasizing without actions being taken to solidify the intents. Why I never hold out long in distant communication (text, chat, FB or whatever), no solid actions equals no real intent or actual investment. Anyways that's how I protect against these types of situations, not criticizing, just wish for you to learn something constructive from this.

 

Don't spend time chatting, urge to meet and this types of things will come up before you're too emotionally invested. A fantasy or dream of the future will only become a disappointment if steps are not taken towards making it real. To someone cheating it's more likely they'll come clean if actions to prove the intent is required, we all know we can't hide the truth forever. It's also a non-direct way of knowing such things and if they're single they won't have anything like this to hide and going on a date is normal. You might then not have such strong emotions persuading you to keep going, it's then easier to let go and go by intellectually good decisions.

 

I think the best decision here is to eject and deal with the pain. These types of things end up really really messy in most if not all cases, the longer you wait the worse it gets. I'm telling you this for your own good, if you continue being concerned about her you're doing so at your own expense. She's keeping your hopes up and you keep taking the bait by being "patient". How do you honestly think this is going to play out? I don't see a happy ending here, that's in the fantasy.

Edited January 27, 2016 by Grewd

[SoTiredOfBeingAlone]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies and advice. My head is telling me I need to let her go and get on with my life. My heart is screaming at the top of its lungs that I should be patient and just believe her when she tells me these things.

 

I haven't felt this way about a woman in a long time and letting her go feels like it would be unbearable to me. Anyone have any coping strategies for letting go?

 

One of the hardest parts for me is that she is one of the kindest, most considerate and compassionate people I've ever come across and I'm struggling badly with the feeling of guilt if I do walk away at this point. I know 100% that she is not using me or deceiving me in a conscious manner. Subconsciously she may be using me to get what she needs but I'm certain she isn't doing anything to harm me in any way.

 

Should I stay in the friend zone and remain patient since she has come around and been more available to me again recently or do I need to pull the plug and tell her that I can't do this anymore until there is some resolution in her marriage?

 

I probably keep repeating myself and jumbling up my thoughts but I'm just in very emotional state right now and can't exactly think clearly.

 

Thank you all again for your support and advice, it's very much appreciated.

[blueinbr]

I am sorry to tell you that you should have no further contact with her. She should be doing No Contact with you. And that means no texting, games, nothing. It hurts you. Yes, very much. But she is married. With kids. Do not wait. Even if she became separated and you dated her in real life, she could always reconcile with husband and go back to family. That would leave you worse than you are now.

 

You did not fall in love with her. You fell in love with your fantasy vision of her. Not the real her, regardless of what you feel or think. Google the statistics on how many people marry their affair partner, and how long those marriages last (or not last...).

[brothers343]

My friend your situation is resolved, there's no future for you here. The truth is she was bored,maybe not enough attention from her husband becouse he works long hours to provide for his family. It's not your fault, but the part when she told you that she was married with kids and it took her months to say this should have told yourself that she's probably still happy in her marriege. Your falling in love with a fictional character behind a screen. You say you have been divorce for 5 years, When you have an affair it can take you as long as 5 years to forget it or maybe longer. Do you really and truly want to take that route. Be careful becouse this route can be unforgiving.

[among the pines]

SoTiredOfBeingAlone - Your story is so similar to mine. I met my mm through FB & over the course of several months we bonded deeply & spent hours every single night chatting online. A couple months in he admitted he was married w/2 children. I convinced myself he must be married for the kids - he told me he didn't have anything in common with her, it was obvious they slept in separate bedrooms by all the hours we spent together chatting. Etc. etc.

 

He ended up coming to visit me twice for three weeks each over last summer. After the second visit his wife found out. He supposedly "separated" & that lasted about six weeks. I have no doubt he loved me & wanted to be with me. I got the whole "future faking" thing.

 

The guilt over what I was doing which was clearly wrong became overwhelming so I said we probably need to take a step back until he decided what he was going to do. We continued to talk every day - until the day he went back to his wife. He didn't have the decency to tell me that pointblank; instead he made some esoteric comments & I had to read between the lines.

 

This was all from a man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, etc. etc. It's been the most painful experience of my life. I am still deeply in love with him. I haven't heard from him since Nov. 11th when he sent me a one line email saying "Sorry can't talk wanted to wish you happy birthday hope you're doing OK". That's it.

 

I wish I had cut off all communication the moment he confessed he was married, but I had the same "soul connection" you describe (or thought I did) and was in deep. At least you haven't met her in person and gotten involved physically. But the EA part can be just as intense and devastating as the PA part. I never would have thought it either before getting involved with my guy.

 

I hope you will protect yourself and go NC with this lady. You sound like a good guy and I'm afraid you are going to get really burned badly if you continue down this road. There are good single men and women out there. I'm afraid it's going to take a long time before I recover enough to want to pursue dating because of this mess I got myself into

Edited January 28, 2016 by among the pines

[Grewd]

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies and advice. My head is telling me I need to let her go and get on with my life. My heart is screaming at the top of its lungs that I should be patient and just believe her when she tells me these things.

 

I haven't felt this way about a woman in a long time and letting her go feels like it would be unbearable to me. Anyone have any coping strategies for letting go?

 

One of the hardest parts for me is that she is one of the kindest, most considerate and compassionate people I've ever come across and I'm struggling badly with the feeling of guilt if I do walk away at this point. I know 100% that she is not using me or deceiving me in a conscious manner. Subconsciously she may be using me to get what she needs but I'm certain she isn't doing anything to harm me in any way.

 

Should I stay in the friend zone and remain patient since she has come around and been more available to me again recently or do I need to pull the plug and tell her that I can't do this anymore until there is some resolution in her marriage?

 

I probably keep repeating myself and jumbling up my thoughts but I'm just in very emotional state right now and can't exactly think clearly.

 

Thank you all again for your support and advice, it's very much appreciated.

All my advice for nothing. What she's doing is hurting you, how can you say she's not harming you? She still has you hooked and trusting like a loyal puppy. No compassionate person subject someone they like to something as stressful as this, she's not compassionate. She has you in an all out emotional crisis.

 

Coping strategy? How about understanding the consequences? Let go or f*ck your life up more.

 

It's not your heart that longs for her, the heart knows better than this. It's your head telling you that you want her, coming up with rationalizations and thinking "oh I trust her 100%". Seriously... Why?!! She has proven she doesn't mind lying and cheating, what makes you trust her? If she can do it to him she can do it to you.

 

Your heart is probably the part of you that's wrecking you inside right now, the signal of pain trying to wake you up to how f*ckin horrible she is. You're deluded still, but listen to your real heart and you'll find the truth.

[SoTiredOfBeingAlone]

SoTiredOfBeingAlone - Your story is so similar to mine. I met my mm through FB & over the course of several months we bonded deeply & spent hours every single night chatting online. A couple months in he admitted he was married w/2 children. I convinced myself he must be married for the kids - he told me he didn't have anything in common with her, it was obvious they slept in separate bedrooms by all the hours we spent together chatting. Etc. etc.

 

He ended up coming to visit me twice for three weeks each over last summer. After the second visit his wife found out. He supposedly "separated" & that lasted about six weeks. I have no doubt he loved me & wanted to be with me. I got the whole "future faking" thing.

 

The guilt over what I was doing which was clearly wrong became overwhelming so I said we probably need to take a step back until he decided what he was going to do. We continued to talk every day - until the day he went back to his wife. He didn't have the decency to tell me that pointblank; instead he made some esoteric comments & I had to read between the lines.

 

This was all from a man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, etc. etc. It's been the most painful experience of my life. I am still deeply in love with him. I haven't heard from him since Nov. 11th when he sent me a one line email saying "Sorry can't talk wanted to wish you happy birthday hope you're doing OK". That's it.

 

I wish I had cut off all communication the moment he confessed he was married, but I had the same "soul connection" you describe (or thought I did) and was in deep. At least you haven't met her in person and gotten involved physically. But the EA part can be just as intense and devastating as the PA part. I never would have thought it either before getting involved with my guy.

 

I hope you will protect yourself and go NC with this lady. You sound like a good guy and I'm afraid you are going to get really burned badly if you continue down this road. There are good single men and women out there. I'm afraid it's going to take a long time before I recover enough to want to pursue dating because of this mess I got myself into

 

Wow, that really does sound very similar to what I've been dealing with. I'm so sorry that happened to you the way it did. I keep telling myself that that type of thing could never happen to me but I guess you never really know because it sounded the same to you. Take care of yourself and thank you for sharing.

[lemondrop21]

Can I ask a question? I don't mean this in a rude way, but if this woman has kids, how does she have so much time to a.be playing this game, and b.text with you all hours of the day? If you two had ended up together and had these theoretical children you were dreaming about, would you be concerned about her ability to devote her attention to them?