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NC - day 24


make-this-stick

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make-this-stick

My H has been away for nearly 2 weeks and I'm stuck at home thanks to this snowstorm. Far too much time on my hands thinking about exAP, feeling hurt that although I'm in NC, he hasn't reached out to see how I am. Crazy, huh? I've been feeling really weak-willed today and decided just to come here and bash something out rather than think of a pathetic reason to text him. What amazes me is how this grown, successful man suddenly hides behind the needs of his wife and young teenage son. Funny how 3 years ago, when his need for sex was overpowering, these same people didn't matter. It's a sad realization that however special and unique we think these men are, when it comes down to it, they're just pathetic beings. I am so mad at myself that I got suckered in to his "oh so important" world. I loved him unconditionally and was led to believe that he felt the same. I have never felt so adored for being myself, felt such a connection with someone else, but as soon as I asked the hard questions he went running back behind the protection of his family without even the decency of telling me to my face. Lesson learned, but boy, is it a hard one!

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The fact that he hadn't reached out to you should be your motivation for remaining in NC. Also I read that making contact takes you back to day 1 so the past 24 days will be for nothing if you do! And it might make you feel temporarily better but that's the catch - it will only be temporary before you start feeling angry, sad and annoyed all over again! Write a list of why you should stay in NC, read these forums and remind yourself "this too shall pass".

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Typical. He made you feel like a disposable razor.

Either his W is suspicious or he moved onto someone else.

You're angry, now use this as fuel to be a better you. This is all bout you. And oh yeah, stick to NC

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Yes I agree stick with it.I'm on day 5 of NC and its been very hard but I have to do this. I hate I love him as much as I do but I know he could careless.

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Hey make-this-stick

You're not alone. I hope you stay strong! 24 days is a great achievement...don't beat yourself up. My MM/AP is exactly the same. After almost two years(he's been a friend for at least 10years)of falling into our A and believing his fantasy and convincing myself that it was where I was going in life...I'm suddenly realizing its most likely a huge lie.

It's how he gets through life, deals with being trapped in a loveless marriage...making a "long term plan" with me?? He lives off my "sunshine"...

There's story after story on here about the exact same situation...

It's curious that it always seems to be the woman that believes the "story" and hope for a different, more fulfilling future...

Anyway, you are not alone, stay strong, have you read Gone Girl or Girl on the Train?? Great books to make you want to stay away from A's and toxic people!!

Big hugs

Ohmy

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make-this-stick

Hello...the end was a long time coming. First I ended things because he was so bound up in work. He was really upset by it and we tried to keep going but his schedule just wouldn't let us. He was travelling all the time and caught up in family stuff, cancelling on me constantly. In the end he said he couldn't do it to me any more, that he couldn't be who he wanted to be for me. We continued to chat and met up for coffee but I think it was just too confusing. I decided to sit back and see if he would initiate contact. I wished him a happy new year and he said he hoped that we'd get together soon. It just sounded wishy washy and I didn't respond to it. Haven't heard from him since. To answer your question, back in August I decided to get a clear idea of where we were going. We had a conversation (our one and only) about a future together and his relationship with his w. After that I felt a distinct change, a pulling back. I think the blinkers came off for him and it didn't feel like a fun game anymore. I know I just have to keep moving forward and away. I'm fortunate in that I don't have to see him and we don't run in the same circles. I really thought he was "the one", that we had a possibility to make it work. I guess he didn't agree. :[

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MOST MM have affairs for the sex. They don't necessarily get involved emotionally. Usually they tell their AP what they want to hear. Men don't have to be emotionally involved to have sex.

 

When it comes down to end the affair or divorce if caught most think this. Am I going to be ruined financially with alimony & child support?

 

In short they think with their head over their heart. They also know the great sex will get old/stale after awhile and there are always others who'll be available when the need arises again.

 

Maybe not 100% but for most it is the real world. The fantasy only lasts so long.

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MOST MM have affairs for the sex. They don't necessarily get involved emotionally. Usually they tell their AP what they want to hear. Men don't have to be emotionally involved to have sex.

 

When it comes down to end the affair or divorce if caught most think this. Am I going to be ruined financially with alimony & child support?

 

In short they think with their head over their heart. They also know the great sex will get old/stale after awhile and there are always others who'll be available when the need arises again.

 

Maybe not 100% but for most it is the real world. The fantasy only lasts so long.

 

That's cold

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That's cold

 

I know.

 

Reality is very hard to take sometimes but I think the real truth is always best.

 

Your thoughts? I've read your thread.

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I know.

 

Reality is very hard to take sometimes but I think the real truth is always best.

 

Your thoughts? I've read your thread.

 

I'm not saying you're wrong it's just hard to read. Especially when real feelings are involved. Which thread did you read?

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It seems to always start light, exciting, no deep feelings or expectations...then someones heart is in deep, someone future fakes, it gets to real and the decline starts and everyone is left in ruins. But real relationships where both partners are single, when it ends, the pain is not nearly as painful or soul shattering.

No A ever ends well. It really is the strongest hardest lesson.

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I'm not saying you're wrong it's just hard to read. Especially when real feelings are involved. Which thread did you read?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/532004-new-here-my-story

 

Close to the same senario I outlined. I gotta be honest most all end up the same. Yours is not unique.

 

Unfortunately most do not think about what the long term outlook will end up being.

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Hi,

I know youre hurting.

It will get better,but you must stick to nc like your life depends upon it.

I have been in nc for 7 months.it gets better,but you have to walk.through the mud first.

I agree with Marc. A begin with a promise for love and end with heartbreak. It is virtually the only possible outcome. One in a million actually works.

Mine is not so different than yours. Funny how we all feel in the begining like this is a once in a lifetime thing,yet most of us are no more than a cliche.

My ex ap declared love at first sight,persued me like no one had ever done before and was wholly charming,sweet and loving throughout the months of our A.

He did some future faking but when i asked point blank,it didnt take him long to give me the 'my wife will kill herself' 'i will be broke' 'your husbands makes more money than i do,i cant give you the life youre ued to'

I figured:

1.He talks about loving me so much,yet hes happy to have a very partial R with me

2.Do i really want to be where his wife is at? This is him as a husband.do i want that?

I see it here over and over. Women in love,willing to take the plunge. Men,stating they are in love but are looking for a sweet side dish.

Think ahead. Do you still want to feel this way in a month?a year?ten years?

It will take time,but letting go.of this A will bring you back to.yourself. dignity first,the rest follows.

Stay strong,resist the urge.it will get you nothing but very short term relief and a lot of long term pain

I know its hard.you got this.

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It seems to always start light, exciting, no deep feelings or expectations...then someones heart is in deep, someone future fakes, it gets to real and the decline starts and everyone is left in ruins. But real relationships where both partners are single, when it ends, the pain is not nearly as painful or soul shattering.

No A ever ends well. It really is the strongest hardest lesson.

 

I remember saying to ExMM 2 years ago the exact same thing, that no A ever ends well. He replied that it didn't need to end badly which I meant to mean that he thought we would be together in unicorn land. Uh, no, he meant that it would just end, and he would expect us to go our separate ways happily. Which is what happened...well, for him.

 

I got so close to texting him tonight. Typed it out, edited, and then came here for a final read before sending it. I won't send (at least tonight). I wanted to say that if we both respected each other, which is what I believed, then cutting off contact in this way, without explanation, is harshly cold. But then I thought about him replying and what he would say, and how I would feel. Just the thought of that pain from contact was enough. This really is the strongest, hardest lesson.

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I remember saying to ExMM 2 years ago the exact same thing, that no A ever ends well. He replied that it didn't need to end badly which I meant to mean that he thought we would be together in unicorn land. Uh, no, he meant that it would just end, and he would expect us to go our separate ways happily. Which is what happened...well, for him.

 

I got so close to texting him tonight. Typed it out, edited, and then came here for a final read before sending it. I won't send (at least tonight). I wanted to say that if we both respected each other, which is what I believed, then cutting off contact in this way, without explanation, is harshly cold. But then I thought about him replying and what he would say, and how I would feel. Just the thought of that pain from contact was enough. This really is the strongest, hardest lesson.

 

Don't do it. Don't send it. There has got to be an end or it will go on forever. If you don't stop, it will never stop, because you are half the equation.

 

I am sorry you believed in something that was not real. Maybe it would make you feel better to know that a lot of people are living their lives believing in things that just aren't real, or pretending that unreal things are real. You're not alone. We're surrounded by it.

 

A big part of what attracted me to MM was the amount and intensity of attention he paid me. Was it the same for you? It is hard to let that go. A minor slight feels HUGE when you're used to being lavished with love, attention, and affection. But these guys know what women want and that's how they trap you, emotionally. They know we crave attention and affection; it's only the biggest complaint every woman has ever had for their husband or SO! Just ask Grandma.

 

Anyway, try to keep things in perspective. You are withdrawing from some pretty intense emotions and feelings, an intense dynamic between the two of you. With a little time and distance, it'll start to feel better. The pain will lessen. You just need to stick to your guns.

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http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/532004-new-here-my-story

 

Close to the same senario I outlined. I gotta be honest most all end up the same. Yours is not unique.

 

Unfortunately most do not think about what the long term outlook will end up being.

 

I wish that you hadn't posted a link to my old thread. It's old and no one is interested in it. I know that my affair was not unique and I have paid the price for being in the affair. I wish that it hadn't happened. You can't always predict the long term outlook on everything.

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MOST MM have affairs for the sex. They don't necessarily get involved emotionally. Usually they tell their AP what they want to hear. Men don't have to be emotionally involved to have sex.

 

When it comes down to end the affair or divorce if caught most think this. Am I going to be ruined financially with alimony & child support?

 

In short they think with their head over their heart. They also know the great sex will get old/stale after awhile and there are always others who'll be available when the need arises again.

 

Maybe not 100% but for most it is the real world. The fantasy only lasts so long.

 

I agree, the above is what I have experienced and witnessed as well. I often feel being emotional is a curse :laugh:

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I wish that you hadn't posted a link to my old thread. It's old and no one is interested in it. I know that my affair was not unique and I have paid the price for being in the affair. I wish that it hadn't happened. You can't always predict the long term outlook on everything.

 

I was interested in it enough to read it.

 

You're smart and learned so your future will be better for it. Look, life is a journey and if you can learn lessons from where you've been it can always improve. We all screw up and do things we wish we hadn't. Do not let the past shape your future. Make it a positive lesson to carry forward. Above all don't worry too much about what you've done. You can't change it. You can make the rest of your life what you want it to be. Turn it into a positive thing by learning from it.

 

Best of luck to you.

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I agree, the above is what I have experienced and witnessed as well. I often feel being emotional is a curse :laugh:

 

Nope, it's what makes a woman. it would be a horrible thing if women were not emotional. It's the best part. IMO

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MOST MM have affairs for the sex. They don't necessarily get involved emotionally. Usually they tell their AP what they want to hear. Men don't have to be emotionally involved to have sex.

 

When it comes down to end the affair or divorce if caught most think this. Am I going to be ruined financially with alimony & child support?

 

In short they think with their head over their heart. They also know the great sex will get old/stale after awhile and there are always others who'll be available when the need arises again.

 

Maybe not 100% but for most it is the real world. The fantasy only lasts so long.

 

Some MM are very involved emotionally (and some won't admit it, it's not "manly"). But 95% of the affairs end in the same way anyway. In some ways, it's good that this man is not feeding the OW some poor sob story about not being able to leave his wife because she'll kill herself, or the kid because he's so sensitive, or whatever. This man is letting her see him for what he really is and his silence speaks very loudly.

 

But it's soooo hard to find out someone isn't who you thought they were. I went through one of these cold cutoff breakups once (not an affair) and it almost destroyed me. Came out stronger in the end :).

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I was interested in it enough to read it.

 

You're smart and learned so your future will be better for it. Look, life is a journey and if you can learn lessons from where you've been it can always improve. We all screw up and do things we wish we hadn't. Do not let the past shape your future. Make it a positive lesson to carry forward. Above all don't worry too much about what you've done. You can't change it. You can make the rest of your life what you want it to be. Turn it into a positive thing by learning from it.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Thank you Marc for the well wishes! This whole thing has been painful. It's hard to let go of someone who was a friend when I really needed one and a lover. The loneliness is really bad. I hope to learn from it and have a better future. I just have to get over it.

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Thank you Marc for the well wishes! This whole thing has been painful. It's hard to let go of someone who was a friend when I really needed one and a lover. The loneliness is really bad. I hope to learn from it and have a better future. I just have to get over it.

 

Nothing healthy can ever come out of an unhealthy relationship. There are good honest men out there who aren't married.

 

It's worth the time and effort to wait until you find one.

 

Put the past where it belongs. In the past. Just be better for it and don't repeat.

 

Oh, and get a dog. They always love you no matter what :laugh:

 

I have 4!!!!!!

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