OM here involved with MW

[bdizzle]

Ok, so finally time to post. Read a lot and I see majority being OW with MM.

My situation.

Single OM involved with MM.

We met at work while I was working with another team. May of 2015. Started off playful banter, joking, somewhat flirting. Always knew she was married so didnt think anything of it. One conversation she said 'wish you could walk me to my car' and then another comment 'I'll give you a kiss'...'a Hershey kiss that is' With these comments, knew it it was more.

 

Immediately started texting after this which exponentially grew to meeting for drinks, more talking and within a few days met at my place and became intimate.

 

From the first time we had sex it was fast and furious, emotions became involved on her part, and tellings of how husband has cheated on her and currently continues to do so as well has abused her physically in the past etc. but also warning signs of her temper and attitude. WOnt get in to details of all that. This was around May.

 

Fast forward to August. Felt it was just a fling and nothing serious so I began dating someone. They were at a painting party with friends, according to her was paying too much attention to friends and with drugs and alcohol involved, ended up beating her something fierce. She was texting me all night, showed up at my door, looking for comfort, while I was out with my gf at the time. We talked the following day, she felt so embarassed to be with an abusive husband and would leave when she received her bonus in March (of 2016). We continued our affair, becoming closer and sharing more personal details of our lives. 'I love you' became involved from both of us. Still working for the same company, talking all day through text and IMs seeing each other daily and meeting daily during lunch and after work. Alot of date nights and sleeping over.

 

Took vacation together. Husband while still involved with his affair now knows about me as well. Constant fights at home between them two. Obviously hasnt left him yet, but fights more frequent and more violent both verbally and physically. Her and I argues a bit as well. Push and pull. She would try to break it off only to come back hours later or me begging lets work this out we can do this. Her family now knows about me (mom sister and friends).

 

Moving forward to October. I am still seeing my new girlfirend and MW. She is now my supervisor and I have switched teams and working directly under her.

Her and her husband get in to another brawl where he beats her. Again I am out, but this time take her calls as I feel I need to help her. I leave my date and go hom to let her stay the night. As I am driving she calls me says we are done, she is staying with him and to move on. I beg and she says no. I say ok, hung up and go back to my date of which is awkward at that point. We go to sleep. I wake up to over 30 texts messages and countless missed calls of crying begging 'let me in please, i need you, i love you, you asked for a good bye and i didnt want to but i did, and now im asking you, im fighting for us, please i need you'

 

We talk that morning and she says i lost my best friend, why did you abandon me i needed you. Met her at the hotel she stayed at that night. I explained you said you wanted it done and you were not leaving him, i had no choice. Asks me to promise to never abandon her again to which I agree. We talk this through, have sex, see each other at work on tuesday and continue our 'relationship' At this point, one of her daughters knows about me now (they have kids from prior marriages, not together).

 

 

The fights and abuse continues at home and continues to sound as if nightmarish, while nothing i can do. We are still seeing each other and going out. Thanksgiving, she spends it with her family, he spends it with his, I spend it with mine. Girlfirned at the time has now left as she feels I'm not being upfront with her and seeing other people, of which she is right. Havent spoken since.

 

After thanksgiving, we went to a bar together where we ran in to another supervisor from work. Said hello, went our seperate ways, no touching, no romantic displays, etc. As if 'friends' in public for that very reason.

 

December, she gets called in to HR where she is promptly put on admin leave due to reports of dating me while being her subbordinate. She is in tears. I had the day off. She came over that afternoon crying saying dont know how to do christmas, move, lively hood at stake, worked there 11 years, something he can never take away etc. We will get through this, is only reports of having drinks together, nothing more. We will not lose jobs. Through decemeber she was an emotional wreck but it seemed to bring us closer Hung out daily, slept together, did things. Went christmas shopping for her kids together. We knew it was this other supervisor, she suspected her husband as well, as he alwasy threatened to expose at work. Always threatened to confront me, etc. We spent Christmas eve, Christmas morning together. After our time, she left for her family (him absent). Continue to new years eve. She's still distraught. We have plans but she backs out as she cant function. Wont hang out with her daughter, or friends, just a wreck. He and her get in to a fight, ends up choking her. She leaves to her moms house. Shes drunk so I went and picked her up from mom at her request. We spent new years eve talking crying laughing, just the whole 9.

 

January 2016. Her first day back at work She gets called back in to HR where more reports of us come out as well as lies from other people. Shes a wreck at work writing her statement. Telling her hat to say and what not to include. I suppose this is where my story turns. From her first day back, she was standoffish towards me as i knew she was concerned for her job. The entire experience never had proof of anything being said and more so evidence to dispute some of the other accusations. Anyways, standoffish. We werent talking as much. We werent seeing each other as much. Details of the home life dwindled from daily to nothing.

 

As this month has progressed, it became obvious her feelings were changing. Even the texting all but stopped. Occasional hello, or doing this or that, but not the conversations we had grown accustomed too. The i love you's still continued. The sex went from every day to once in 2 weeks, when i spent the night over there when he was out of town.

 

Tried telling her and begging her over and over, i can see your different, i can see your scared for your job, but dont let work change your feelings. Yes, work relationship is different, but personal shouldnt be. The typical begging and pleading push pull that we have always done. I backed off a bit to try and keep the peace. Her always saying this changed me, i dont know how i feel. If i look at you or talk to you. If we're seen in public. How how how.

 

This week. It came out I was going to be moving teams to stop the rumors and accusations. Wednesday I was moved. She as texting me 'this whole things sucks, miss you already on my team' She keeps her job and team. I get moved. Ok is what it is. Always knew they wouldnt fire her, too much invested. I love you still continues. Wednesday night 'going to be weird with you not being the first person i see when i get in' I go to sleep. Wake up to texts of love you thinking of you you deserve so much more than me im so confused i know i love you i do i just dont know right now but i do know how i feel

 

Thursday morning. Typical good morning text. Then tells me of people she now knows were involved in the rumors. Also that a rumor of us getting in to a fight and requesting I be moved. then "well have a good day" as if nothing. I tell her in that moment...i need you to figure out your feelings. Ive told you time and time again how ive been feeling. everything we've talked about is now contradictory of how you are behaving and i dont know what to do or say. you love me yet youre so different now. her response is "move on please, do whatever you need to do to move on, please" I say thats what you want? I asked you think about them, but if this is your decision in this moment I respect it. She says yeah my decision. Say ok, her response is well not sure how to end this in a text so thanks for everything. "You too". I go about my day and she Im's me with work related items, loose ends form her team. Some i respond, some I dont.

 

Thursday night..."Thinking of you" "sorry shouldnt have text" "i love you more than you know" "you're ignorning me" "wow" "f#@$ you" "youre making me seem like a bitch" Shes clearly been drinking

No response from me

 

Friday morning "sorry for all texts, disregard"

no response

IM at work "Im dying...oops wrong person lol" (hungover)

no response

Throught the day she calls and text "i need your keys to your house im so sick, please" no response "fine, husband is getitng me" no response "please dont ignore me, please" no response "youre being an ass, answer me" no response "couldnt do anything throughout our relationship and youre not now either" no response "so is this how its going to be no texting no talking i get it were done but nothing" no response "bring my rings on monday" (she went to a concert out of town with her daughter that i had gotten them tickets to. when she got back he emptied the joint bank account. came over that night and stayed. gave me her wedding ring that she hasnt worn in months out of fear he would sell) again, no response

 

Sat morning. Know i shouldnt be texting as you want it that way. Never thought it would end this way or how i thought it would end. thought wed be friends and at least "talk" but your not friends with exes so dont know why I would be different. Hate that you act like i never exhisted. Things i didnt get to say...thank you for loving me, thank you for showing me how to be treated and what i deserve, thank you for loving my kids even though you never got to meet them, thank you for not always giving me my way (one of the main reasons i fell in love with you), thank you for being a shoulder to cry on and advise even when it wasnt what i wanted to hear, but needed to, thank you for everything, truly. Thank you for loving dog and letting him come over. Well bye, I WONT TEXT ANYMORE hope you get everything you deserve xoxoxo with a couple emojis"

 

Havent spoken to her since friday.

 

What are your guys thoughts as the OM. I know there isnt a future here. Shes not leaving anytime soon. Shes put all her eggs in that basket. Hasnt gotten her own account. Has previously looked for places. has packed things up which have since been emptied. But thats neither here nor there. We wont have that typical relationship even if she were to leave. so much has been said and done. words and actions.

 

Will I hear from her again? Was that her goodbye or just an attempt to make me talk to her? Im doing 'ok' for the most part as I know there isnt a future but it still hurts to lose that friendship. One hand im scared of hearing from her again because its getting harder and harder to not respond and caving in to falling in to the same cycle....but im also scared to never hear from her again.

 

What do you all think? Apologies on the long winded post.

[bdizzle]

I know I am wrong for being involved with a MW. Trying to get through this now. Made my mistakes and learning from them as best as I can. My first A.

[Alamo657]

I know I am wrong for being involved with a MW. Trying to get through this now. Made my mistakes and learning from them as best as I can. My first A.

 

That's good, i think you don't need more advice from people here.

 

This woman has major issues within her marriage and need to solve them with the help of friends and lawyers, not an affair.

 

Say your goodbyes, cut contact, and learn from it : woman who cheat on their husband are looking or a way to escape, not a new relationship.

[GoldenAxe]

Save yourself some major heartache, and keep moving forward without her.

[whichwayisup]

This MW clearly has issues and she's full of drama. Do your best to continue to distance yourself from her and ignore her. She's all over the place, one minute she loves you then she hates you, so it seems. This isn't love at all, it's game play and ego feeds.

[carhill]

What do you all think?

 

Block her and change jobs. Been down this road. It can get ugly. I think your idea of dating other women is a sound one, preferably single women. Use this experience as a canary in interactions with others. When things go sideways, get out fast. Don't wait around to become collateral damage.

[bdizzle]

This MW clearly has issues and she's full of drama. Do your best to continue to distance yourself from her and ignore her. She's all over the place, one minute she loves you then she hates you, so it seems. This isn't love at all, it's game play and ego feeds.

 

Have been told this by friends and family both. A roller coaster of emotion. We argue, I beg, it puts a bandaid until the next time. Lately from when she said move on, by not contacting her during her attempts, have been told that is crushing her not giving in to her or begging as she has grown to know me as.

 

Trying to move on from this but when the text yesterday came it was heart breaking to me. Thank you for everything spelled out, then wont text again. To know I care for her was it just an attempt at getting me to respond to her? Will more be coming?

 

This was the same principal she used at work. First the 'wrong IM' to which she either had to type my name in or click on me as we were not engaged in a conversation, to using the H card coming to get her (which she never left), then later in the day got a notification she added me to her contact lists. Are these all games? More coming? It difficult to continue keeping her at bay when it appears shes trying everything in the book to get me to respond.

[bdizzle]

Block her and change jobs. Been down this road. It can get ugly. I think your idea of dating other women is a sound one, preferably single women. Use this experience as a canary in interactions with others. When things go sideways, get out fast. Don't wait around to become collateral damage.

 

 

Is her 'thanks for all' not goodbye enough?

I no longer work under her and am now on a different team, which before was some of the hardest parts after fighting with her having to see her the very next morning where she would blatantly go out of her way to ignore me and not include me in discussions.

 

I guess I'm having difficulty seeing since shes married, dysfunctional or not, what she is thinking. I keep telling myself ok thats the last message shell send, only to be proven wrong. But i dont recall in this mess her ever having said 'thanks for this that and that'...it seems to me she realizes I am not replying and thats the end of it?

[carhill]

If incidental contact is probable and if you are forced to remain in business contact due to your employment agreement, I'd suggest changing jobs while you have a good resume and referral from your employer. This presumes 'team' simply means different divisions of the same employer.

 

If you can't effectively remove all contact means, like changing your phone number, e-mail, etc, then that means that NC will never be in place for sure.

[whichwayisup]

Have been told this by friends and family both. A roller coaster of emotion. We argue, I beg, it puts a bandaid until the next time. Lately from when she said move on, by not contacting her during her attempts, have been told that is crushing her not giving in to her or begging as she has grown to know me as.

 

Trying to move on from this but when the text yesterday came it was heart breaking to me. Thank you for everything spelled out, then wont text again. To know I care for her was it just an attempt at getting me to respond to her? Will more be coming?

 

This was the same principal she used at work. First the 'wrong IM' to which she either had to type my name in or click on me as we were not engaged in a conversation, to using the H card coming to get her (which she never left), then later in the day got a notification she added me to her contact lists. Are these all games? More coming? It difficult to continue keeping her at bay when it appears shes trying everything in the book to get me to respond.

If need be, change your cell number. Block her on facebook, or change your settings so only friends of friends can add you.

 

That dynamic as you now know is so unhealthy and emotionally draining. Push yourself hard to try not to think of her reasons as to why she's doing this. Instead focus on yourself, healing, grieving and letting go of her.

 

Maybe put dating overall on hold, I'm sure this other girl you are dating is wondering wtf, you leave her then go back to her and that's not fair to her especially if she really is into you.

[bdizzle]

If need be, change your cell number. Block her on facebook, or change your settings so only friends of friends can add you.

 

That dynamic as you now know is so unhealthy and emotionally draining. Push yourself hard to try not to think of her reasons as to why she's doing this. Instead focus on yourself, healing, grieving and letting go of her.

 

Maybe put dating overall on hold, I'm sure this other girl you are dating is wondering wtf, you leave her then go back to her and that's not fair to her especially if she really is into you.

 

No facebook or social media to block. Work and texts/calls/being together were only outlets of our communication. The girl i was dating at the time has since left. She realized things were not right and jumped ship, and rightfully so. Dating is on hold for the time being for sure. I was always so scared of her showing up on my door step while having a date here that I never fully put myself in to that other relationship.

[Popsicle]

That's a whole lot of drama. Aren't you tired of it? Take a rest.

[Lois_Griffin]

I couldn't read this wall of text in it's entirety. I ending up skimming the first sentence of each paragraph and my eyes are still bleeding.

 

I honestly didn't NEED to read it word for word. The entire time I was reading about your MW's marriage and all that hillbilly drama they have, I kept wondering who was watching their single wide while they were fighting. Good God, this is the stuff of Jerry Springer.

 

Your MW is obviously co-dependent on that nut husband of hers. If she's really abused as she claims (and you would have seen the bruises and bleeding) then like many women, for reasons we cant even comprehend, she stays. She'll continue to dance that dysfunctional waltz with her husband while crying the blues about being miserable for probably many more years to come.

 

But honestly, why would you even want to be with this woman? She comes with such a crap load of baggage and drama that it isn't even funny. You think her nut husband will just wish you both well and send you Christmas cards every year? You'd be dealing with him constantly. I wasn't able to wade through that long post to see whether they have kids but if they do, then lucky you - you'd be dealing with them. And they'd freakin HATE you. Because YOU would be the bad guy that pulled their mom away from their dad. And dear old daddy would be poisoning them about you 24/7.

 

Just imagine all the drama and fighting and court battles and everything else she'd CONSTANTLY be engaged in with her ex about the kids all the time.

 

Jesus, you couldn't PAY me to deal with that horror.

 

Sure you'll hear from her. The next time they knock each other around she'll come crying to you and because you seem to be so overly eager for every little crumb of attention she throws your way, you'll go running right to her like a good little puppy.

 

Just because you ignored her for a couple of days doesn't mean much. Her pitiful swan song to you sounded like some 16 year old teenage dimwit wrote it. How did you not laugh? She's just so freakin' pitiful. We all know that was just her pathetic attempt to draw you back in.

 

If you're smart, you'll move on and seek out a healthy relationship, not this dysfunctional mess you've gotten yourself into. Don't you think you DESERVE better than this cesspool she keeps dragging you down into with her?

[burnt]

Wow.

She is … something.

 

It is a very good thing that it has ended (permanently, I hope).

You have been saved--from someone truly toxic.

[S2B]

What do I think?

 

It's ridiculous. See your date and end it with the married gal! The MW is drama and trouble!!! Trouble to your job and life!

 

She's not leaving her H. You can't help her. Help yourself.

[brothers343]

Thar was long buddy but I will give you the short version of your story. You had an affair with a married woman,she tells you that her hufband is abusive and hits her but she still stays, you think that you got moved from her team becous people were talking....but in actuality she probably told her higher ups to move you. She loves her job more than she loves you. Sorry for the bad news. She uses you when her husband so called miss treats her. I doubt he is as bad as she makes him out to be. Affairs are run on lies and deceit. You are both using each other.....whether is for sex or company. Your future is one of glimm and despair. Leave this woman,even try to find another job if you can and meet someone new. Go full NC and watch these hard waves settle down. Good luck.

[bdizzle]

Wow.

She is … something.

 

It is a very good thing that it has ended (permanently, I hope).

You have been saved--from someone truly toxic.

 

That's what I'm afraid of. After reading about narcissism and the whole BPD thing, is the silence right now (from yesterday's text) just a waiting game until the next blow up or "breadcrumb". I'm torn between scared of hearing from so able to move on to scared of never hearing from again.

 

The whole experience has been emotionally draining and even my thinking of it being done now makes me wonder if it truly is or just a ploy.

[carhill]

Later on you'll get down on your knees and thank the deity of your choice for silence

[harrybrown]

Stay away from married women.

 

One of the husbands will come looking for you with a gun.

 

Also, she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you.

 

Run and stay away.

[Ms. Faust]

Your MW thrives on Jerry Springer drama and she is trying to drag you into it. Run, boy, run!! You have already invested enough into her bull*****ttery. If she ends up with you do you know what will happen? More of the same, except she will say you are the abusive one. This girl is a train wreck. Good luck!

 

PS. I can totally see your coworkers having a field day gossiping and snickering behind your backs.

[bdizzle]

I couldn't read this wall of text in it's entirety. I ending up skimming the first sentence of each paragraph and my eyes are still bleeding.

 

I honestly didn't NEED to read it word for word. The entire time I was reading about your MW's marriage and all that hillbilly drama they have, I kept wondering who was watching their single wide while they were fighting. Good God, this is the stuff of Jerry Springer.

 

Your MW is obviously co-dependent on that nut husband of hers. If she's really abused as she claims (and you would have seen the bruises and bleeding) then like many women, for reasons we cant even comprehend, she stays. She'll continue to dance that dysfunctional waltz with her husband while crying the blues about being miserable for probably many more years to come.

 

But honestly, why would you even want to be with this woman? She comes with such a crap load of baggage and drama that it isn't even funny. You think her nut husband will just wish you both well and send you Christmas cards every year? You'd be dealing with him constantly. I wasn't able to wade through that long post to see whether they have kids but if they do, then lucky you - you'd be dealing with them. And they'd freakin HATE you. Because YOU would be the bad guy that pulled their mom away from their dad. And dear old daddy would be poisoning them about you 24/7.

 

Just imagine all the drama and fighting and court battles and everything else she'd CONSTANTLY be engaged in with her ex about the kids all the time.

 

Jesus, you couldn't PAY me to deal with that horror.

 

Sure you'll hear from her. The next time they knock each other around she'll come crying to you and because you seem to be so overly eager for every little crumb of attention she throws your way, you'll go running right to her like a good little puppy.

 

Just because you ignored her for a couple of days doesn't mean much. Her pitiful swan song to you sounded like some 16 year old teenage dimwit wrote it. How did you not laugh? She's just so freakin' pitiful. We all know that was just her pathetic attempt to draw you back in.

 

If you're smart, you'll move on and seek out a healthy relationship, not this dysfunctional mess you've gotten yourself into. Don't you think you DESERVE better than this cesspool she keeps dragging you down into with her?

 

No kids together, both from prior marriages. Have seen the blood and bruises which is why I think I have such a hard time dealing with this. Have been told by everyone I have a tendency to 'save' women and I'm beginning to agree. This one has taken the cake as far as my relationships go. Its been 7 months of ups and down both extremes.

 

 

Knew they were all attempts at getting me to respond. Know its never going to work and never leaving. Never expected that to happen even by her claims of 'march when i get my bonus'. I'v never experienced this 'fear' though before of not only hearing FROM but also the fear of NOT hearing from.

 

Know this is the most unhealthy relationship I've ever been in and trying to make my way out of it. Before it was having to see every day good or bad. Now that different area, maybe in passing if at all. Just a total mess I got myself in to, and she gave me the out, dont know why I'm having difficulty accepting it.

[bdizzle]

Your MW thrives on Jerry Springer drama and she is trying to drag you into it. Run, boy, run!! You have already invested enough into her bull*****ttery. If she ends up with you do you know what will happen? More of the same, except she will say you are the abusive one. This girl is a train wreck. Good luck!

 

PS. I can totally see your coworkers having a field day gossiping and snickering behind your backs.

 

Ya...the rumors were rampant before that her and I were dating. Now that I've been moved, I can only imagine.

 

Know there's no future here and the thought of a future filled with more of the same is more than I care to think about.

[privategal]

No kids together, both from prior marriages. Have seen the blood and bruises which is why I think I have such a hard time dealing with this. Have been told by everyone I have a tendency to 'save' women and I'm beginning to agree. This one has taken the cake as far as my relationships go. Its been 7 months of ups and down both extremes.

 

 

Knew they were all attempts at getting me to respond. Know its never going to work and never leaving. Never expected that to happen even by her claims of 'march when i get my bonus'. I'v never experienced this 'fear' though before of not only hearing FROM but also the fear of NOT hearing from.

 

Know this is the most unhealthy relationship I've ever been in and trying to make my way out of it. Before it was having to see every day good or bad. Now that different area, maybe in passing if at all. Just a total mess I got myself in to, and she gave me the out, dont know why I'm having difficulty accepting it.

Its called being cruel to be kind.

Call the police...anonymously if you hear of another 'incident' of battery...but you've gotta be healthy too. This is very heavy. She needs to save herself. She's letting you be her escape but the police and her lawyer need to be the calls she makes.

Don't be manipulated. She nearly lost her job over this affair but is still trying to pull you in on a company computer? If they are monitoring shes gonna be screwed.

Steer clear. I know you care but youd maybe like to have a wife and drama free dates and sex. This isn't that path. Job search. Keep NC. The withdrawals will pass.

[Outofmysystem]

bdizzle, well.....your story is real close to mine.....I was reading it and reliving everything I've been through. Some differences, I'm a MM as well, she married obviously, no physical issues (except one incident their first year married, her to him) but a lot of verbal abuse, and him very controlling....of course, "your milage may vary" when it comes to the true lies that we are told in all those conversations.....no D-Day, just her going NC after me getting let go from a job that we were both supposed to work at....she concentrated on the job and pushed me away just like you....I chased for the last 4 months, seeing her at her house, at work outside of it and via email trying to get more than the Bitchy attitude that she started with me since she decided to end it, in the end I got just a lame ass list of reasons and how she was going to a therapist till she feels better to be on her own with out either her husband or me.....yea, whatever, she still with him, just bought a new Mustang to fuel her ego, bla, bla, bla......

 

It's hard, I know......I still have obsessions that control my day thinking about her, **** she works right down the street from me......but NC is the most healthy thing you can do.....I also have been told I look to "fix" things in relationships, she took all she wanted after pursuing me first, the texting, the "sure would be nice to have a strong man walk me to my car" ****.....the "I love you more than anything" ****.....I got it all too man.....I got it too.....no contact, take care of yourself and put distance and time between you and her.....it's easier said then done, but I'm having to do the same thing.

[FusionCutter]

She sounds like a terrible person.

 

And you have work to do on yourself. End it for good and work on yourself.

 

If you really think deep down, is she a person you want to share your life with? Her words mean nothing and all you do is feel pain. Take a permanent timeout - otherwise you'll have big trouble getting into a healthy relationship again. My advice? Quit your job and don't look back.