SCShea Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 I am at a loss what to do. I have been married for 28 years. My husband has never wanted me sexually, for reason that I have never understood until recently. He is either asexual or has sexual anorexia. At most, we had sex once a month and now it is non-existent. I am a very sensual woman that has craved both the sexual and emotional intimacy that has been missing in my life. Our kids our now in college and I have come to examine my life and what I want out of it. I love my husband, but more as a roommate than anything else. I plan on filing for divorce next week. Unfortunately in SC, it takes a year of separation before the divorce can take place. The really bad news is that even though we will be separated, I will still be legally committing adultery if I am with another man during the years separation, In the past few months since my husband has admitted that he has never sexually desired me, I have joined a sort of sexual chat room. I have not felt so alive in years. I have also joined a chat forum for spouses of asexuals. Through this, I have met a man that is living in a similar situation. I have never talked to someone for hours on the phone in my entire life. I have never shared intimate details about myself and my feelings. This man is married and I know that there is no real future together. For whatever reason , I am ok with it. For one thing I am 51 and he is 37! We have talked about a weekend getaway in March. It is all I can think about. He fills all the voids that I have been missing in my life and will fill the biggest void when we meet in person. (sorry!) If I go into this with realistic expectations, do you think this is ok to do? I just need to feel like a woman who is desired both as a person and sexually. He needs to feel like a desired man. It may last that one time or several years, who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 No, don't do it. If you have to ask, it's not for you. You'll end up lonelier and sadder rather than happier. Rather, go to a family law attorney and make sure you know the exact implications and opportunities of your state's laws. Then go ahead and file for the divorce you say you want. In 1 year you'll be free, and you can pursue available men with a free and honest heart. Sorry to hear about your husband's longterm deception of you, that's most distressing. You deserve happiness, I just don't want you to shoot yourself in the foot with an affair. 16 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 You've been married for 28 years. What is the harm in waiting one more year - until you are free? - to start indulging yourself? 13 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Have you talked to your husband about an open marriage? Since he's not interested, I hardly know why it should matter. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 I am sorry to hear that , u seem a very sensual woman . I am a married guy in similar situation since 18 years .... i can understand how much selfish ppl are by letting their partner suffer ... i have one question : what is the legal implication of getting caught ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Aside from the legal implications of being with another man while separated, don't start an affair with a married man. If you're going to sleep with someone else in the year of separation, at least find a single man. Otherwise, you will inevitably end up heartbroken and worse off than you are now. 18 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 While it would be most ideal to wait a year, I doubt you're going to do that now that you've been "reawkened." But finding a single man in your chat room or elsewhere would be a far, far better option than getting entangled with this married man because there's too much risk of that becoming emotionally messy if not outright disastrous. Remember that you will be messing with his wife and children's lives. You are separating and divorcing in a year which is the right thing to do. He on the other hand is seeking to get his needs met behind his wife's back. Find someone who is on the same page as you. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Have you actually ever met this person IRL?? Like face to face??? Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Meh... I think if you're separated and papers are filed, the marriage is over. You're just waiting on paperwork. I say knock yourself out. However, that doesn't mean doing it with a committed man who is staying married. Don't be that person who screw someone else's marriage just because yours is blowing up. Move on and and find someone available without the baggage. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 As long as you ACTUALLY FILE NEXT WEEK, and aren't just blowing smoke, I don't care if you have sex before officially divorced. You can start next week, BUT don't be a fool and have sex with married men. You will make your life super hard and stressful. MM never divorce and there are so many single men who would be willing to help you "catch up" sexually. Join a singles chat room, you'll meet just as many men. Anyways, do come back in a week and update us on the filing. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Have you actually ever met this person IRL?? Like face to face??? Right. People get murdered like this. Also check your state laws about fault in divorce. If your state is a fault state, you may want to wait. Your cowboy (37 yo MM) has already not been having sex, I'm sure he can wait another year. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 So right now your life story reads: "been married to an asexual man for almost three decades". And two (or three) years from now you want your life story to read: "was married to an asexual man for 3 decades, emotionally neglected and deprived; then became the OW for a married man, who used me for sex secretly on the side, then tossed me out when his thrill was gone. And now I need several more years to recover from that pain." A divorce in itself is enough of an life changer. Add to it the fact that you have been this unhappy for 28 years. Add to it that you are 51. Add to it that the divorce will drag for a year. DON'T add to all that the trauma of being some married man's part-time sexual distraction. Either wait for the divorce to be completely over and start a new life. Or, if you can't wait, be involved with someone single. You have no idea what being an OW does to your life until you become one. It turns a living person into an emotional corpse. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted January 16, 2016 Author Share Posted January 16, 2016 Have you talked to your husband about an open marriage? Since he's not interested, I hardly know why it should matter. Yes, I have talked to my husband about an open marriage. He obviously does not want sex or any relationship with anyone else, he just wants more of me. Last night he told me that he would send me on a cruise, like that one thing will just fix me. Again it would be him in control of my sex life. I wouldn't be allowed to talk on the phone with other men, etc. I think it would make me resent him more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted January 16, 2016 Author Share Posted January 16, 2016 (edited) i have one question : what is the legal implication of getting caught ? That I committed adultery so I wouldn't get spousal support. Our kids are grown, so I doubt that I would get that anyway. I don't know if there is anything else. I have read up on it and that is all I could find. Edited January 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted January 16, 2016 Author Share Posted January 16, 2016 Aside from the legal implications of being with another man while separated, don't start an affair with a married man. If you're going to sleep with someone else in the year of separation, at least find a single man. Otherwise, you will inevitably end up heartbroken and worse off than you are now. I can understand what you are saying but I would feel safer with a married man, which is totally strange. I am not ready for a relationship. I don't want to go into all games, or commitment or anything like that right now. I don't want someone who is just a player. I want a man that loves his spouse but has gone through the same sexual rejection and blame as I have gone through. Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 SCShea, it looks like you've got your answer. Btw, I was wondering how did you end up marrying your husband? Why and how did you stay married for so long? You mention you are a highly sensual person. I'm amazed at your 28 years of restraint. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted January 16, 2016 Author Share Posted January 16, 2016 Have you actually ever met this person IRL?? Like face to face??? No, we talk on the phone and skype. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 OP, since it appears you H can be open about your marital issues, why not open up the marriage and keep the legal partnership, presuming the advantages of it outweigh the disadvantages? If you don't have sex with him, no worries about STD's mucking things up. BC is pretty much done so no worries about maternity and he can get sterilized. You and he are in complete charge of your relationship. No one else can tell you what to do or control you. The marriage is your, and his, deal. Where there is will, there's a way. Then it won't be an affair in any negative sense, rather living and enjoying life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 I can understand what you are saying but I would feel safer with a married man, which is totally strange. I am not ready for a relationship. I don't want to go into all games, or commitment or anything like that right now. I don't want someone who is just a player. I want a man that loves his spouse but has gone through the same sexual rejection and blame as I have gone through. It seems as if you have been abused in your childhood and are familiar with not being loved, hence you are attracted to men who cannot give you their all. Having an affair with a married man is no different from your relationship with your asexual husband in that you believe you are not deserving of a healthy, loving, exclusive relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingxsoulz Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 The problem here isn't really about seeing someone else before the divorce is final. It's your choice in who you want to see. Anyone but a married man, please... Otherwise you story will just go the same way: You start seeing him, you think things are great and you are fine with him being married, you start to fall in love with him, you want more, you want to be with him, you want him to leave his family for you, you will get nothing but pain and heartbreak, he stays with his wife. Sounds tempting, yes? 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCShea Posted January 16, 2016 Author Share Posted January 16, 2016 Ok, just to clarify. I do not want a long term affair with this man. I want to experience life again. I realize it is far from the perfect situation in so many ways. However, it does fulfill my fantasies and after this long, I feel like I deserve that! I don't see if being more than that one weekend, maybe two. He doesn't want to end his marriage and is up front with that. I have practice building a wall around my heart. If you want some background, go to Marriage forum, 3rd page. I posted on there about 6 or so weeks ago. It's titled "I think I'm married to an asexual man". Please read that before you judge me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 I feel almost certain that you're not divorcing. You would not have titled this thread "Should I start an affair?" otherwise. The issue that people take with you is that you would be cheating when what you should be doing if your situation is as hopeless as it is, is divorcing. And IF you are truly divorcing like you claim (which I don't believe) then once you filed in only 1 weeks time, you will not feel like you have to justify this so much. It also explains why you don't have much of a problem being with a married man and even favor it. Two married people - the playing field would be even. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Meh... I think if you're separated and papers are filed, the marriage is over. You're just waiting on paperwork. I say knock yourself out. However, that doesn't mean doing it with a committed man who is staying married. Don't be that person who screw someone else's marriage just because yours is blowing up. Move on and and find someone available without the baggage. This. 100%. Once papers are filed you are an unrestricted free agent as far as I'm am concerned. The real question is the guy - he'd be the one having the affair. I would look elsewhere. There are plenty of options for getting sex I assure you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 I just need to feel like a woman who is desired both as a person and sexually. He needs to feel like a desired man. It may last that one time or several years, who knows. SCShea, you have already displayed your intentions. Denying your own words shows that you're playing psychological games with yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 That I committed adultery so I wouldn't get spousal support. Our kids are grown, so I doubt that I would get that anyway. I don't know if there is anything else. I have read up on it and that is all I could find. Please, talk to a lawyer and get the FACTS applicable to your exact situation. Spousal support and child support are two different things. By no means does the adulthood of your offspring disqualify you from spousal support. The outcome depends critically on the exact facts and your state's laws. "In South Carolina, How Does Adultery Affect Alimony? A spouse’s adultery is generally an absolute bar to alimony. See S.C. Code Ann. § 20-3-130(A) (“No alimony may be awarded a spouse who commits adultery before the earliest of these two events: (1) the formal signing of a written property or marital settlement agreement or (2) entry of a permanent order of separate maintenance and support or of a permanent order approving a property or marital settlement agreement between the parties.”)." So, get an order in place. See a lawyer. Don't make life-changing decisions without ALL the facts correctly in hand. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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