I thought I was doing ok...

[rainbowsandkittens]

So... it's taken me all weekend to get up the courage to post on here. I've actually been reading for a month or more but since the A I was in just ended this past Friday... here I am.

 

 

Sorry I wrote this whole long thing and then got embarassed about it so I tried to shorten it. I guess I really needed to get it out since I really can't talk to anyone in my life about it other than my therapist.

 

I met my MM (though technically not married, been with his partner for 15 years, 2 kids) at the end of last summer on a dating app. He lives in another country and comes to my city for work every 6-8 weeks for about week at a time. He originally told me he was just looking for friends here since all he ever does is hang out with coworkers or alone when he's visiting. He told me he was divorced and shared custody of the kids. After our 1st date he went home. A few days later he admitted that he was still with the mother of his children. We talk and agree to try to be friends. I know. After that ee texted, face-timed and spoke on the phone for something like 12 hours a day- from when he woke up until when he went to sleep. We talked and shared our secrets and lives and other things...

 

A month later, he freaked out and broke up with me. Two days later he started texting me again. After two days I asked him what he was doing and he said he didn't just want to dump me and thought we could be friends. I thought I was clear that it was over. That was a Friday. I spent the weekend very sad. And then I woke up Monday to another text from him like nothing happened. I just went with it as I didn't have any fight in me to resist him.

 

For the next month things were basically friendly with things heating up the closer he got to his next visit (a month away.) When he got here sparks flew. He freaked out again the first night but then after that things were back to romantic and wonderful. He came back a month later. In between the visits things were great. No freak outs. We had a great time and he left with everything being wonderful. I knew our next visit was 2 months away and included the holidays where I expected he would have such a nice time with his family he would end up freaking out again and ending our relationship. He knew I thought this and totally future faked with me about all sorts of things (started that months ago actually, saying he talked to his boss about coming and staying here for a month at some point and other things.)

 

Then he started to pull back; we talked a little less, he asked for less pictures of me, the nice things he said lessened. The more he pulled back, the more I tried to bring him closer to me. Since I was doing the classic "I can't express my feelings for fear of him thinking it was too much and leaving me" it would eventually surface in "jokes" or off hand comments that I knew bothered him. They bothered me! And I felt like I couldn't help it. I needed reassurance and the more I asked for it, of course, the less I got.

 

I should say- he never fully told me he would leave his partner for me. He said he was considering it and nothing would happen until next spring after some things she was doing would be finished. When we originally met I gave him a timeline for when he needed to start making progress about a decision. He started seeing a therapist and though he did not make the timeline, I thought we were headed in the right direction. On his last visit he told me he did not want to meet my friends or family and I asked if that was forever or just for now. I told him I would like him to meet them eventually. He did not answer me. Around Christmas I told him that I wanted us to keep moving forward. I saw him as being very comfortable with the arrangement- me being there for him as an escape either virtually or when he came here. I didn't expand beyond that but I figured we would talk about it when he was here the next time.

 

On Friday, after me asking him if something was wrong, he ended things. Along with calling attention to certain smaller issues he also said that he could never give me what I wanted (a real relationship which, when he described it, sounded like an accusation) and that he had no intention of leaving his partner. He didn't want to and wasn't ever going to. I asked him what changed from the first time this happened and he said before he felt like he was staying bc of duty and now he was staying for feelings. I guess they've come to some sort of understanding or things are better now... not sure, wasn't really clear. I do know that they just got back from a 10 day vacation.

 

During the conversation I pointed out that this is the EXACT same time as the last time we broke up- directly in the middle of a 2 month hiatus. He even said the same things to me, verbatim (one thing he said I actually laughed at bc it was exactly the same as what he said before. And was a lie then.) I pointed this out. He said he wants us to still be friends as I am his best friend in many ways but that he thinks he need a break from each other, esp given that I think this is the same as the last time. I told him that I'm glad his family is doing so much better and we said good bye.

 

I haven't spoken to him since then. I think I might hear from him today but somehow I think this really is the end. I have not logged into the app where we did all of our communicating as I don't want to see if he's been on or not. Or be the one to break first if he hasn't been on it. I thought I was doing ok (hence the title.) Friday was bad but I kept myself busy with friends all weekend; getting out, having fun, being social. I read a lot on here and realized how much he was lying to me, how foolish I was believing things; all things I knew deep down but needed to be reminded of. I was starting to get angry along with my sadness.

 

And yet all day I've been itching to see if he's online. I finally went on fb and saw that he commented on a friend's photo- she is much younger than he is and he admitted to me that they had a "flirtation" but that nothing ever happened. She was the only person who knew about me. I read the comment and it looked like her reply said something negative about me but I think it might have been a typo/ an incorrect translation (we have different native languages.) For some reason though it just hit me the wrong way and I started crying. Somehow she gets to stay in his life and I don't. Somehow everything he told me was a lie- he never had feelings for me, he never cared about me or acted like a true friend. I don't know what to believe was true or not. I don't know what's different with her and I and why she's stayed and I'm gone. I don't know why I care so much about her (other than the fact that she's much younger and more attractive than I am.)

 

And somehow I still hope he contacts me. Sick. So wrong. I wish he was hurting like I am but I know he isn't. He's still got his family. Nothing's changed. He used me for a break from his life and then when I became too needy he dumped me. Classic. I know I should be happy that this was only 4 months and not 4 years. That I got out relatively easily. But it doesn't feel that way right now.

 

Thank you to everyone who posts in this forum. It's been so helpful over the past 6+ weeks to read everyone's stories and advice. It's hard when you're knee deep in it- one way or another- but it feels so good to have people who understand what you're going through. And thanks for reading this. Sorry it's so long, especially when it's such a cliche....

Edited January 11, 2016 by rainbowsandkittens

[rainbowsandkittens]

Ugh. So sorry. This is so long- even after my editing.

 

Please be gentle on me if you can. I know how awful all of this is.

[imperfectangel]

Either he's trying to make you jealous or he's looking for a new o.w. Either way you are better off without him and really you know this.

 

He will come back, maybe in a few days, a week, month or even a year. They always come back eventually

[rainbowsandkittens]

I actually don't think he's trying to do either- I doubt if he would think of me checking her fb since he and I aren't even friends. But you're right- I am better off without him.

[burnt]

It was hard for me read your story--not because of the length, but because of the parallels in your story to mine. Right after the first part, I wasn't really reading a story, but being reminded of a familiar nightmare.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain.

 

Good news: every part of your irrational feelings are natural. I went (and still do to some extent) through the same EXACT emotions and thoughts. Sense of anger, sadness, helpless uncontrollable checking to see if he even thought of me, pain that he's moving on and I'm stuck and forgotten, that he broke off, but always came back so he might come back again--everything you listed.

 

Everything you listed in his behavior is also very typical. You have been his distraction, entertainment yo-yo toy--nothing more.

 

The biggest damage done on you is not by the fact that he's gone, but the effect of push-pull, done on you on repeat.

 

I fear he will contact you again-- to be just 'friends' because after all "you have a trusting genuine open unique friendship and that he doesn't want to lose such a precious valuable friendship".

 

Your hardest task is to be prepared for it should he contact you--because forcing yourself to not respond will feel HARD, to say the least.

 

It will take time to heal, but for now,

NC, NC, NC -- as loudly as you can say it.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Thank you both for reading this btw.

 

And thank you, Burnt. It makes me feel so much better to know there are people who've been through the same things. It's so alienating not to be able to really talk to anyone about this. I've talked to some friends but not at length- there's only so much people will listen to... or that much that I want to share since there's so much shame involved.

 

Yes, one of the things that's been hardest is realizing that he's not been a particularly good friend to me. I asked him to contact me over the holidays for one thing and he didn't even remember it (he did contact me that day but did not mention it at all)- and then gave me a lame excuse. I know he used me as his escape- I just fooled myself into thinking it was/ could be more. I fooled myself with a lot of things through this.

 

Even in that short amount of time I saw how much it damaged me and how far I got from myself. The push/ pull thing was so awful. When I finally said something to him about it last week I felt like a weight was lifted off of me. Even though it didn't change anything as the damage was already done to the relationship- it made me feel so much better to be honest about how I'd been feeling.

 

I fear I'm going to be weak and want to see him when he's here. I am so hoping he doesn't contact me or try to see me.

 

How long have you been NC?

[Rocci di Persia]

And somehow I still hope he contacts me. Sick. So wrong. I wish he was hurting like I am but I know he isn't. He's still got his family. Nothing's changed. He used me for a break from his life and then when I became too needy he dumped me. Classic. I know I should be happy that this was only 4 months and not 4 years. That I got out relatively easily. But it doesn't feel that way right now.

 

First, you are not alone. Like burnt, your story had too many similarities to mine as well. Things like my xAP also would not give me a definitive answer about meeting my family and friends, except to say he'd like to meet them "one day". He also would tell me how incredibly hard it was to leave his SO and sometimes even directly said he would not, and how he could not give me what I wanted. I was with him for 2 years, he is also not married (engaged), no kids and was with SO for 7 years. We were best friends. I think your situation is a lot trickier with the kids.

 

Mine even separated from his SO and moved out of the house he lived in with her and I thought that was progress, only to have him crawl right back to her 6 months later!

 

I think both you and I took a punt and it didn't work out. It hurts and will hurt but we deserve better.

 

I do not like to encourage you thinking that he will come back. I find that is harmful thinking especially at this point in time when you are very vulnerable and fresh out of the fog. A lot of people told me xAP would come back and to prepare to say no, but I felt that actually made things worse for me because I was holding on to hope and even after everything he put he through, if he were to simply show up I would easily jump back again. Whether he comes back or not, you need to stop caring about that and you need to resolve to be finished with this. I wish I had the strength earlier to have walked away instead of having been abandoned, but I learnt that you can still regain control by dumping him back. Go NC for good. Do not look back. You get more clarity the longer it stays enforced. I speak from similar experience.

 

As for thoughts about the female friends and the jealousy over how she still gets to be a part of his life, I have been there too. I think these are very normal thoughts to be having right after the BU.

[EdibleWoman]

Affairs kill your self confidence. Don't forget that. You do have a life and meaning and value beyond him, you just can't see it right now because you've been messed with. Believe in yourself and your value, and you will be okay. As long as you circle back to him when he beckons, however, you will continue your self esteem demolition. In many ways affairs are very masochistic, and you need to dig deep to find the reasons for your self-harm. I am just beginning to realize that for myself.

[privategal]

He did you such a favor but the heartache will not allow you to see that now.

If you block you will not be checking your phone for emails and calls. It will make it easier and allow you some control as you take away that false hope.

I saw that as...it will hurt worse if I don't block him then get nothing.

And if he did by chance reach out, Id feel better knowing he couldn't reach me and would not get the chance to drag me back.

The next moves they do anyways if they do come back is "just friends" and trust me that breaks your heart in a million new ways every day so ending it is the only way.

[Shadowburn]

Delete the app, don't check FB - he no longer matters.

You are the only one who is important, he is not. Who care who this loser flirts with?

 

You need to block him because he will come back to you after the newness of being without you and feeling like a hero will wear off and he will need an escape from his little boring life again. Best of luck to you, but you are seriously so lucky - only 4 months in, and he walked away himself. Just don't let him to come back xo

[LimeBlue]

In many ways affairs are very masochistic, and you need to dig deep to find the reasons for your self-harm. I am just beginning to realize that for myself.

 

Any advice or tips for this? I never thought of an affair as self harm. Self harm equates to cutting yourself or similar. Wow. But oh so true. This has given me food for thought.

[rainbowsandkittens]

today is hard. today i just want to check the app. i want him to text me. i want him to miss me. i want this to be over and past and not hurt anymore.

 

i know i should delete the app but i'm not ready to yet. it's the only way we communicated (well, also facetime and google hangouts for calls. he is not in the US so we didn't use the phone unless he was here and we never emailed) and it has all of our pictures and videos etc. i am not ready to lose all that.

 

shadow- i know i probably am lucky esp getting out early. but i would rather have been the dumper than the dumpee...

 

privategal- i know you're so right. about the reasons for blocking and about being "just friends." plus, who needs a ****ty friend like he was?

 

we're not friends on fb anymore- i deleted him after our last breakup. the worst part- HE NEVER NOTICED. i was so pissed. he said it's bc we started talking again right away. but still- i wanted it to have some impact. lol. we talked recently about being friends on there again. i'm glad we didn't.

 

edible- i know. and i didn't have a lot of self esteem (any?) to begin with...

[whichwayisup]

Any advice or tips for this? I never thought of an affair as self harm. Self harm equates to cutting yourself or similar. Wow. But oh so true. This has given me food for thought.

 

Self harm doesn't have to be physically harmful, it can be emotional too. to knowingly put yourself in a competition mode with a MM's wife and family, knowing he's taken already and you're second fiddle and not being considered number one priority does take a blow to ones ego and self worth.

[whichwayisup]

today is hard. today i just want to check the app. i want him to text me. i want him to miss me. i want this to be over and past and not hurt anymore.

 

i know i should delete the app but i'm not ready to yet. it's the only way we communicated (well, also facetime and google hangouts for calls. he is not in the US so we didn't use the phone unless he was here and we never emailed) and it has all of our pictures and videos etc. i am not ready to lose all that.

 

shadow- i know i probably am lucky esp getting out early. but i would rather have been the dumper than the dumpee...

 

privategal- i know you're so right. about the reasons for blocking and about being "just friends." plus, who needs a ****ty friend like he was?

 

we're not friends on fb anymore- i deleted him after our last breakup. the worst part- HE NEVER NOTICED. i was so pissed. he said it's bc we started talking again right away. but still- i wanted it to have some impact. lol. we talked recently about being friends on there again. i'm glad we didn't.

 

edible- i know. and i didn't have a lot of self esteem (any?) to begin with...

 

NO, don't contact him. Write down on here what you'd like to say to him. I will pretend I'm him and give you a response (to put you off and make you NOT wanna write him again) !!

 

There's no way you two can be friends, it's too damaging for you.

[burnt]

there's only so much people will listen to... or that much that I want to share since there's so much shame involved.

And that "shame" part is what makes it the worst kind of pain. We all need comfort when we are hurting, but when we can't even tell people for fear of judgement, the already existing pain gets compounded by the added misery of shame and further isolation.

 

Yes, one of the things that's been hardest is realizing that he's not been a particularly good friend to me. I asked him to contact me over the holidays for one thing and he didn't even remember it (he did contact me that day but did not mention it at all)- and then gave me a lame excuse. I know he used me as his escape- I just fooled myself into thinking it was/ could be more. I fooled myself with a lot of things through this.

Right now, as you remember all these tiny instances when he had hurt you, it will continue to cause pain. But in time, remembering these little details will help you get a clearer picture of his true nature under the apparent charm and that clarity will help you to emotionally detach yourself from him.

 

This whole thing will change you as a person, but for what it's worth, it will also bring a very fresher and better understanding of yourself.

 

I fear I'm going to be weak and want to see him when he's here. I am so hoping he doesn't contact me or try to see me.

Yes, probably you will. But since you now have a support system built in this website with people who are here to be supportive, perhaps, try to make a plan that IF he does contact you, talk/vent to us here first and allow us to SCREAM at you (in a friendly way).

 

How long have you been NC?

A year. But there had been MANY NC many times--some lasted days, some lasted weeks, and some for months, and then broken, out of the blue. Once the pattern was established, during each NC, I was getting destroyed with the "will he or won't be come back again like before?". This made moving on impossible because each day I was living with uncertainty.

Even after a year, I feel, he will at some point contact me to be 'friends' again.

 

I still check my emails--daily--I can't help it. But I don't wish him to contact me. I have been progressing extremely slowly, but every tiny step counts I suppose.

[Shadowburn]

 

shadow- i know i probably am lucky esp getting out early. but i would rather have been the dumper than the dumpee...

 

I know it may sound backwards, but in situation like that I think it's easier to move on after being dumped, not the other way around. Dumper always has to deal with doubts, and they are afraid they made a mistake which leads to constant breaking of Nc and running back and forth. For you, there are no ifs or maybes - he walked away, end of story, NC all the way and freedom awaits.

[JaneSmith526]

today is hard. today i just want to check the app. i want him to text me. i want him to miss me. i want this to be over and past and not hurt anymore.

 

i know i should delete the app but i'm not ready to yet. it's the only way we communicated (well, also facetime and google hangouts for calls. he is not in the US so we didn't use the phone unless he was here and we never emailed) and it has all of our pictures and videos etc. i am not ready to lose all that.

 

shadow- i know i probably am lucky esp getting out early. but i would rather have been the dumper than the dumpee...

 

privategal- i know you're so right. about the reasons for blocking and about being "just friends." plus, who needs a ****ty friend like he was?

 

we're not friends on fb anymore- i deleted him after our last breakup. the worst part- HE NEVER NOTICED. i was so pissed. he said it's bc we started talking again right away. but still- i wanted it to have some impact. lol. we talked recently about being friends on there again. i'm glad we didn't.

 

edible- i know. and i didn't have a lot of self esteem (any?) to begin with...

 

I haven't been able to delete the app either. This sucks.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I know it may sound backwards, but in situation like that I think it's easier to move on after being dumped, not the other way around. Dumper always has to deal with doubts, and they are afraid they made a mistake which leads to constant breaking of Nc and running back and forth. For you, there are no ifs or maybes - he walked away, end of story, NC all the way and freedom awaits.

 

you're probably right. though, of course, in my head i'm sure he doesn't have any doubts. he seemed pretty sure of himself with this last breakup. the last time there was more talk about feelings and regret etc. this time was more matter of fact.

 

so i caved and checked the app. he hasn't been on since the 11th. so i guess he and i are doing the same thing- trying to avoid the memory of the relationship and the temptation of the other. i always thought he used the app to talk to other people- friends, coworkers and esp the friend i mentioned originally- at least a little bit. but i guess not. i made the mistake of looking quickly through some of our pictures.... bad idea. i got very sad and it's sent me into a downward spiral today. checking fb and twitter... just stupid. i gave in. ugh. i still won't read through our texts or really look at the pictures. i just miss him so much. and know he doesn't miss me. this sucks.

 

(sorry to sound like a broken record.)

[whichwayisup]

What is it that you exactly miss about him? Or is it you miss how he made you feel.

[rainbowsandkittens]

And that "shame" part is what makes it the worst kind of pain. We all need comfort when we are hurting, but when we can't even tell people for fear of judgement, the already existing pain gets compounded by the added misery of shame and further isolation.

 

 

Right now, as you remember all these tiny instances when he had hurt you, it will continue to cause pain. But in time, remembering these little details will help you get a clearer picture of his true nature under the apparent charm and that clarity will help you to emotionally detach yourself from him.

 

This whole thing will change you as a person, but for what it's worth, it will also bring a very fresher and better understanding of yourself.

 

Yes, probably you will. But since you now have a support system built in this website with people who are here to be supportive, perhaps, try to make a plan that IF he does contact you, talk/vent to us here first and allow us to SCREAM at you (in a friendly way).

 

A year. But there had been MANY NC many times--some lasted days, some lasted weeks, and some for months, and then broken, out of the blue. Once the pattern was established, during each NC, I was getting destroyed with the "will he or won't be come back again like before?". This made moving on impossible because each day I was living with uncertainty.

Even after a year, I feel, he will at some point contact me to be 'friends' again.

 

I still check my emails--daily--I can't help it. But I don't wish him to contact me. I have been progressing extremely slowly, but every tiny step counts I suppose.

 

Meant to respond to this earlier. Right now I'm also going through all the things I did wrong. I can't help but feel responsible for this whole affair. Granted, I thought he was single at the time this started... but maybe if I just hadn't done certain things... maybe if I'd taken him at his word that he was just looking for "friends" here.... I could have avoided all of this for both of us. But especially me. Because at the end of the day I think I took this way more seriously and had more feelings than he ever did.

 

But I hope to at some point stop blaming me and start being able to really blame him or at least see the full truth of the situation: that it's both our faults and our bad choices.

 

I will say that I started therapy during the A and it has been very helpful for all aspects of my life. He started right at the beginning of the A as well and we have encouraged each other through it. If I get some good stuff out of this- that's one thing.

 

I really appreciate all of your support on here. I'm not ready to write letters to him on here or anything but for now it's nice to vent when my head is spinning with all the hurt and bad thoughts.

[rainbowsandkittens]

What is it that you exactly miss about him? Or is it you miss how he made you feel.

 

I do miss the way he made me feel. When things were good. When I felt we were connected.

 

But exactly? I miss chatting with him. We would text pretty much the entire day (until the last few weeks when he started to pull back some). It was- among other things- a great time filler at work and it made me feel really wanted having someone contact me that much. It gave me a thrill each time I heard from him. I miss his sense of humor. He always swore he wasn't funny or that I was the only person who thought he was. But he really is very clever and funny and can be very silly. I miss seeing him- via pictures or facetime. He is still one of the best looking men I know. Just my total type. I miss his accent. Oh man, his accent. I never knew I had a thing for accents until I met him. Lol. I miss the anticipation of him coming here in a few weeks. The planning, the excitement. I think that week will be very hard for me. But since I don't know his travel plans beyond that I know this is the only time I'll have to worry about it.

[privategal]

I feel like you cant even take one little tiny step forward unless you make some BIG moves to get your power back.

Having said that a REAL big big one is fb and twitter. I would say rather than blocking etc. Quietly defriend if you haven't already, then deactivate your account.

Its easy to do and you could go back later. Ive done this to heal and the 1st day or so caused so much anxiety to not see friends faces ect and then I felt so happy and FREE.

This step alone will bring some quick jump start to healing.

Then maybe next week (babysteps) though I'd do it today...delete the app.

These are things that give you strength to not live for checking your phone and do not allow you to know if hes been on the app etc. Its hurting you to know he isnt looking for you.

If you cant, you cant know so u start to heal quicker as your forced to look forward.

 

I feel like a broken record...Ive said the following on many posts but it was huge for me so try this....get new bedding, rearrange some furniture, get a new plant or two to lighten up the atmosphere...wherever you used to sit to talk to him...change it into a zen space with a new pillow and candle...if you can go REAL big and paint...just give your living space a fresh look and let new energy in.

From there you can jib search, cut your hair, try yoga. The sooner you take steps forward, the better you can be in healing.

 

It takes time and often times if we were honest, we want them back and dont want to face healing, but the A hurts so much, changes our self esteem and we need to do it for US...ESPECIALLY if they ended it...but the above advice could help be the plan to for someone who wants to end it before MM does...send nc email...then quickly make these changes and begin healing fast.

Up to you how long you want to suffer.

Not that it wont hurt for a good bit...just that we don't have to succumb to victim and misery for so long. Make good steps to stop that cycle.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I feel like you cant even take one little tiny step forward unless you make some BIG moves to get your power back.

Having said that a REAL big big one is fb and twitter. I would say rather than blocking etc. Quietly defriend if you haven't already, then deactivate your account.

Its easy to do and you could go back later. Ive done this to heal and the 1st day or so caused so much anxiety to not see friends faces ect and then I felt so happy and FREE.

This step alone will bring some quick jump start to healing.

Then maybe next week (babysteps) though I'd do it today...delete the app.

These are things that give you strength to not live for checking your phone and do not allow you to know if hes been on the app etc. Its hurting you to know he isnt looking for you.

If you cant, you cant know so u start to heal quicker as your forced to look forward.

 

I feel like a broken record...Ive said the following on many posts but it was huge for me so try this....get new bedding, rearrange some furniture, get a new plant or two to lighten up the atmosphere...wherever you used to sit to talk to him...change it into a zen space with a new pillow and candle...if you can go REAL big and paint...just give your living space a fresh look and let new energy in.

From there you can jib search, cut your hair, try yoga. The sooner you take steps forward, the better you can be in healing.

 

It takes time and often times if we were honest, we want them back and dont want to face healing, but the A hurts so much, changes our self esteem and we need to do it for US...ESPECIALLY if they ended it...but the above advice could help be the plan to for someone who wants to end it before MM does...send nc email...then quickly make these changes and begin healing fast.

Up to you how long you want to suffer.

Not that it wont hurt for a good bit...just that we don't have to succumb to victim and misery for so long. Make good steps to stop that cycle.

 

Thank you so much for this! I can delete my twitter account- I really never go on there anyway. And if I do now it's supposed to be for another account of a charity I volunteer with. That he doesn't know about. I love FB too much to delete it. LOL. I have a lot of groups I'm part of on there and I interact with my friends a lot. I have thought about it in the past but it's just not something I want to do right now. But I am not friends with him and he doesn't even post on there so it's fine.

 

I have started applying for new jobs. The crap thing is I'm working with a headhunter friend of mine- that MM started using for his company at my suggestion. He knows I was just submitted for a job and he's currently in the middle of something with the friend for his company so my guess is he'll keep tabs on me through my friend. Maybe not. I had surgery a few weeks ago so as soon as I'm able to start working out again I'm going to. Yoga is something I've thought about. So is kickboxing. I need to punch some things.

 

I made the mistake of a haircut after a break up once. NEVER AGAIN. lol.

 

I've been nonstop trying to find myself stuff on etsy- either for me or my apartment. But I haven't found anything right, yet. He wasn't in my space that much- two weeks- that I feel like I need to change much of it but who doesn't need some sort of a refresh, right?

[rainbowsandkittens]

I've been meaning to post for days but felt too silly to. Not doing well. I keep checking the app to see if he's been on and nope. Not since the 11th. Yesterday was a week since we broke up. I thought I'd here from him by now. I know I'm not supposed to want that but I do. I guess I just want a sign that he misses me. That this was hard for him. But I'm not going to get that. Ugh. I thought by now I'd feel better and Im not sure I do. I can't stop thinking about it: what was good, what I did wrong, how I messed things up, etc. It's ridiculous. I hate this part.

[among the pines]

@rainbowsandkittens - One week is a really good start! When are you planning on deleting that app? Or are you? At the time it stung really bad, but my ex MM did me a huge favor when he blocked me on FB (and then he eventually deleted his account). I am sure I would have been obsessive about checking his wall and it would have seriously set back my recovery.

 

It sounds like you are looking for closure. That is natural. I still think those things too, but it's not likely I will ever hear from him again. I keep thinking the same stuff - what I did to drive him away, things I said, did he think I was crazy, etc. I felt like I alienated him. Actually I didn't like who I had become because of the circumstances. I do take comfort in the fact a lot of people on here responded that even if I had been sweet as pie and easy to get along with the whole time he still would have gone back.

 

Once we get a little time in we start to do the post mortem on the relationship. Some of the what if's can cause us to doubt ourselves because we miss him so much. I don't know if you've ever checked out Natalie Lue and her Baggage Reclaim blog, but I just listened to one of her free podcasts about affairs and it helped me. I am struggling today too