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Not over it [updated]


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Hi guys,

I'm new here.

I have been married for 14 years and we have four children.

In all those years I have always been faithful and committed.

About a year ago,I met someone at a dinner party. We saw each other from across the room and something happened. He tried to reach me via facebook several times,I ignored him. It did stick in my mind,though. I felt we both felt something.

A couple of months later we saw each other at a party. He wrote to me the next day to say that he knows I am married and so is he,but he felt like he fell in love at first sight. We began to talk. I was sick,literally,that first week we messaged and texted. The following week we spoke on the phone and later met. We never had sex,not even close.I could not bring myself to do so,and he accepted and respected that. We had a very intense emotional affair.Very romantic. We did hold each other and kiss,but it was more romantic than sexual. It lasted a total of six months, with me breaking it off twice during that time and then going back.

I was just insane. It is the craziest,wildest thing that ever happened to me. I couldnt do it and I couldnt break it off. He felt he was getting obsessive and going too far but never thought of ending it. I finally told him I wanted us both to divorce our spouses and marry each other (yes,I know the dim stats of those relationships)

He said he wanted the same thing.

Then he backed out. Said we were both financially dependant on our spouses. We both have young children.

Might I add that his wife had a baby four weeks before we met (I KNOW.im sick about it)

A week later I just told him,you know what,if we can live without each other,why risk what we have?I said I wanted out,that I was just feeling awful all the time and that we were just growing closer.

He took it badly,but promised he would let me go NC. Other than one attempt six weeks in to NC to let me know he couldnt go back to.his normal life,he kept his word.

We have not spoken in five months.

I thought I would be over it by now,but I am nowhere near over it. I think about him all the time. I want to cry all the time. I fight myself every day NOT to write him.I tell myself he's way stronger than me and has probably moved on.I wonder every day if he ever thinks about me and I get so angry and depressesed thinking he just let me go.

I seem great on the outside. Actually,things at home have gotten to be so much better. My husband us lovely and kind and loves me to bits.I love him too,but we never had that crazy connection I had with my affair partner. I am so list,I just dont know what to do with myself. It is getting worse,instead of better.will this never end?I felt like I have walked in to a trap. I also have enormous guilt towards my husband and children. I always took pride in being a good wife and mother and I risked everything for some passion and romance.

How do I let go?

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During those six months we met almost every day.We both had our respective employers call us out on missing work,not performing as well,etc,

When we were not together we were constantly on the phone,talking,texting,emailing.Non stop communication.It was overwhelming and surreal.Also,not so great parentung,right?

One thing that bothered me throughout was that he did not feel guilt or remorse,he was just insanely happy and ecstatic.

He said he loved it this way,but would get upset when I went away with my husband.Sometimes he got depressed on weekends about not being together,but still said he wanted to see that we still feel this way about ech.other in 2-3 years time and then think about taking big steps.

He was way more demonstrative about his feelings than I was,but ultimately he couldnt match actions to his words.Sometime I wonder if it was real?Could he have meant all the things he said even if,at the end of the day,he chose not to disrupt his life?

It bothers me.

I cant untangle this mess in my head.Sometimes I feel like I need one more conversation,just to.clarify what this was. I have not broken nc once,did not even peek at his facebook page.I think I dont want to see him all happy and over it.

So,so lost.

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You might need some therapy. Or a close friend to let it all out. But you have to let him go.

 

To me, given he just had a newborn, makes him scum. I have no respect for him.

 

Now, you need a distraction. Start working out, running, hobby. Get your mind on something else.

 

Given the length of the affair, sooner or later it will come out. While you said all you did was Kiss, if you explain this to your Hubby, he'll have the right to think you're lying and will assume you screwed.

 

How do I know all this. My ExW put me through this. Whether it was a hug or a kiss, she was emotionally invested in another man.

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Thanks for your reply.

Im really sorry your wife put you through this.

I am very busy with my family and my job,i work out.still,it lingers in my mind all the time.

Can i ask why you think it will come out? It ended awhile ago,no one knows but us, neither of us will reveal what happened. I want to.put this behind me. My husband deseves better and you are 100% right,if it comes out,he will have to assume anything.i did a terrible thing and there is no excuse.

In regard to him having a new born,i agree.i know this in my mind,but my heart still misses him

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My wife was acting differently. Something was off. I asked her point blank, "is there someone else?". She said No. Couple weeks later I stumbled across an email she created strictly for the OM.

You might not know it, but your hubby prob felt/feels somethings up. What keeps him from pursuing this is the thought of "My little wifey would never do this to me."

 

Since he's married the odds are his wife will find out. He'll have mental breakdown and spill his guts due to the guilt. Or his wife will find another one of his affairs (there are more, your not special).

 

Now, this is the tough part. Your hubby will ask if you had an affair. What will you say?

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Im not sure.

While it was going on,my behavior was flat out weird. My husband is kind of used to me getting moody sometimes,so he put it down to that. It has been over for months,i have gone back to normal.

I often get an urge to tell him and beg forgiveness,but i feel i will unburden myself while inflicting enormous pain on him. Still,if he asks straight out,i will have trouble lying. Having trouble with lying is what pushed me to end the affair.

I dont think my eAP will come clean,he did not feel guilty at all.

I wonder if I was a once off for him,just like he was a once off for me. I do suspect it may not have been his first time.maybe he is a serial cheater.i dont know.

Would your wife telling you the truth make a difference?

I dont want to ruin 14 good years for one mistake.

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My wife never came out and admit the affair. Every single time (yes there were numerous partners) I had to recon on my own and called her out on the affairs with proof in hand.

Mistake? Mistake is making out with OM one night and parting ways. Months of an affair is an error in character. You have to dig deep inside and figure out what's missing in your life. If you're willing to part ways with your hubby and kids then that's red flag.

When I asked my ExW why she did it. Her answer was always "I don't know". And that is unacceptable.

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Sounds like your ex AP has done this before, possible even on a regular basis.

Having an affair is not a mistake, it is a choice.

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Id like to know why you think he's done this before?

I am now begining to realise the extent of the cloud i was on.

I just assumed he was being straightforward. I was in the wrong,but i was truthful about my intentions towards him.

I accept that labeling it a mistake it taking the easy way out.

I agree it is a choice. A bad one,one i regret.

Still,it happened and i am trying to make sense and understand myself and the situation

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Leaving my children was never an option.

Never ever.

I did consider leaving my husband,that is true. But my husband agree that i am the primary caregiver and if we ever seperate,the kids stay with me

Sounds like you had a hard time with your ex,i hope you found a better place.

I have some insight as in to what drove me to this situation,but i fully accept that whatever faults i found with my husband or marriage,it does not excuse cheating.

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Guys just don't walk away from the dopamine hit and the rush. Unless he thought his wife was onto him or he found someone else. You said you guys never had sex. He prob found someone who's giving him booty.

 

In the end we're all expendable all replaceable

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Bittersweetie

Faust is right, an affair is a choice, not a mistake. You made the choice to funnel your emotions and energy toward a man who is not your husband. And now you need to focus your energy toward yourself, your marriage, and your family.

 

It will not be easy. I have been there. Take it one day at a time. You will have to not give in to thinking about him, even for a minute. If he pops into your head, tell yourself, I will think about him tomorrow. Then the next day, say the same thing. Eventually your mind will clear. You are not over it because you are making the choice not to move on.

 

As for the actions of your xAP, try to accept that you will never understand. It will never make sense. Just let it go. My xAP did and said things, I now see I spent WAY TOO MUCH mental and emotional energy trying to understand. I will never understand. And I'm okay with that.

 

As for telling your H, that decision is yours to make. I told my H when I found out I had an STD. It was the hardest most painful thing I have ever done. We are six years out from d-day and our relationship is great, but it was a hard, hard road to get here.

 

I'd suggest you consider talking to a therapist to why you thought your actions were okay. I did a lot of counseling to address my messed up outlook and coping skills. And, of course, never speak or contact to xAP again. That is just asking for trouble all around.

 

Good luck.

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Bittersweetie

Thank you so much. It helps.

I know i havent made the decision to move on. I cant get enough clarity to do so. You are so right.

Buddyx-

I ended it,not him.it doesnt matter,though.

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I'd also encourage you to see a therapist. They can help you process everything and guide you better than strangers on the Internet. I'm not a big fan of telling the spouse.

I had an unhappy marriage and during the marriage had emotional affairs all over the place. Only it was with my friends, my same sex friends. They were my crutch when my husband wasn't. I think there is a lot of pressure on these boards to confess when there has been an emotional affair. In your case, the primary reasons I would resist are: 1) what do you hope to accomplish? 2). Will your husband believe it is over AND there wasn't any sex? 3). Do you think you will do this again or be tempted?

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I guess counselling is the way to go. Believe it or not,I am a therapist myself. Big help:)

The only thing I will achieve by telling by H is getting this terrible liad off my chest.

If it was just emotional,i.may have told him.it was not sexual,but romantic and we did hold hands,cuddke,kiss. This will devestate my husband.

I will never ever do it again.NO WAY. I am just not cut out for an affair. It has all but destroyedmy happiness,my piece of mind,my life.

Thank you for your reply,i totally get what youre saying about same sex friends as emotional affairs

PS i didnt mention it,but english is not my first language,please excuse spelling mistakes or other oddities

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Hi Imsosad,

Being in love/infatuation is like a drug , it is a very strong instinctive tie that eventually settles. It is so intense that people break up their marriages for it......although they cannot even explain the reason why they feel that way towards that person. Don't beat yourself up about what happened, but you need to stay away from him....since this would affect so many lives involved, your spouses and all the kids. Not to mention that the pain caused for others would affect your relationship as well. Your question was when it ends and how do you let go? It settles down with time, it's a "drug withdrawal" essentially. You have to let go because of your family ! Your brain is playing games with you, this strong urge carries the false illusion that this intense happy feeling will never end. It does though within 6 month -2 years ?? according to the experts :) So what happens after that? You start to get to know the real person whom you might or might not like. My advice would be to focus on your family, be the best wife and mom that you are. Don't tell any of this to anyone ! Only for us up here. :) keep us posted....

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NO, you cannot tell this to your husband !!!! Things will never be the same and your guilt will be there, even if you confess. NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OUT OF THIS! I am an honest person, very direct, but this is the only situation that I would advice not to proceed with a confession. It would devastate him and everyone around you guys, including you.

You will most likely have a broken home, the kids might end up resenting you, possibly affect their relationships later on, being not trusting with their significant others etc. I knew a man who was so upset about his wife's cheating that he committed suicide. He was also depressed, but still. Very sad. It is not worth it! Keep it to yourself and move on! (I know it's hard !)

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Agree with Captivating.

My 2cents were not to pursuade you into a confession. I just wanted you to understand the scope and impact of the affair. And also to be genuine and honest if this does come up.

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I know what you are going through. The thing that is driving your thought is what he thinks, how he feels, ect. It bothers you the "not knowing". You said so yourself that you love your husband and doesn't sound like you are willing to leave him either. Maybe you feel more hurt because he said it first? Seems like he understood the situation as you do too but maybe you are more expressive in the EA so it makes you believe that you care more about him than he does about you? So you can see the inconsistency in your words, which really as you pointed out, it's because you are in your "cloud". Sounds to me he's in the same predicament as you are now based on what you said.

 

I don't believe that it will disappear anytime soon for you or anyone else in this situaiton. However, in time, your mind will be occupied by other things, most of which you've listed and more. It will just hurt less over time. You seem very remorseful so I think that you will soon slowly crawl out of this trap. The key is you said your husband loves you and you love him, and you feel terrible about it. I agree with the previous posters, don't tell him. Nothing good can come of it.

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I agree with the previous posters, don't tell him. Nothing good can come of it.

 

I disagree wholeheartedly. I don't think that an A is something that anyone should (or could) live with for the rest of their lives. For one, it deprives the WS of making an honest decision about what they want to do with the rest of their lives. Secondly, is this a secret that most people could go to their deathbeds still keeping? Think about all of the years and years of living with that lie of omission.

 

What someone doesn't know does hurt them.

 

Live a genuine life. Tell the truth about how you're living yours, and always, always give someone the chance to opt out, based on that honesty. It's always the best policy.

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Hi Imsosad,

Being in love/infatuation is like a drug , it is a very strong instinctive tie that eventually settles. It is so intense that people break up their marriages for it......although they cannot even explain the reason why they feel that way towards that person. Don't beat yourself up about what happened, but you need to stay away from him....since this would affect so many lives involved, your spouses and all the kids. Not to mention that the pain caused for others would affect your relationship as well. Your question was when it ends and how do you let go? It settles down with time, it's a "drug withdrawal" essentially. You have to let go because of your family ! Your brain is playing games with you, this strong urge carries the false illusion that this intense happy feeling will never end. It does though within 6 month -2 years ?? according to the experts :) So what happens after that? You start to get to know the real person whom you might or might not like. My advice would be to focus on your family, be the best wife and mom that you are. Don't tell any of this to anyone ! Only for us up here. :) keep us posted....

 

THIS. This is an excellent post, I agree with it 100%

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NO, you cannot tell this to your husband !!!! Things will never be the same and your guilt will be there, even if you confess. NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OUT OF THIS! I am an honest person, very direct, but this is the only situation that I would advice not to proceed with a confession. It would devastate him and everyone around you guys, including you.

You will most likely have a broken home, the kids might end up resenting you, possibly affect their relationships later on, being not trusting with their significant others etc. I knew a man who was so upset about his wife's cheating that he committed suicide. He was also depressed, but still. Very sad. It is not worth it! Keep it to yourself and move on! (I know it's hard !)

I have to agree with this post.

If you want to continue your marriage, don't confess. Just get over it.

 

It might mean having guilt, maybe not. It means keeping that secret to yourself and not destroying your family.

Poppy.

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It really helps.

I felt so isolated and alone in dealing with this. I began to think something is really wrong with me, thinking about it so much 5 full months in to complete NC.

I also began thinking maybe the fact that i am havibg such a hard time getting over it and letting go mean that it was that special and that i made a mistake in ending it.

Your comments make me feel normal in this crazy situation. I never thought id be 36,married with 4 kids and nursing a broken heart.

Your comments give me perspective,a much needed reality check,i went way too far inside my own mind.

I guess all of us AP at some point ask ourselves,am i missing out on the great love of my life?

Eventually,most of the time i guess we realised it was infatuation and not fully what we hoped for.

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About the time my wh decided his employee needed to be more than just a friend, after a few months of idiotic work foreplay that was evident to everyone who worked around them, I fell into a very deep depression and started throwing up a lot. I then began having issues with my reproductive system, hormones gone haywire that resulted in a hysterectomy (I was through having children, so not a heartbreak). I never knew about the affair, but my body did. Husbands reaction was "you're bringing this on yourself drama queen, you're getting attention by vomiting." ?? Never offered to go to the doctor with me, or take the kids for a spell - just ice. Which made me sicker. And I crawled to various appointments feeling like a fool.

 

He had cut me out of the marriage for about 8 mos and I was having a physical reaction to our 27 yr connection being broken. Every doctor, after everything came out, said it was entirely related. His affair had made me very ill. Things inside me were popping and snapping under the stress. No lie.

 

I'm not sure your bh doesn't suspect. But I know that I felt like my wh was using something to punish me - initially I thought he was hiding money and I saw a lawyer. She took my hands and said, "he's having an affair." Every doctor told me the same thing. I'd get home and tell him what had been said and he would rage, tell me how busy he was at work, text his girlfriend in front of me - it was work related! - and tell me how precious it was that I had so much time fir experts and navel gazing and imagining his sexy fantasy life when he was working his ass off for me to stay home and be pathetic. Ouch ouch ouch. I did not know this man. He had never treated me like this before. It took me out at the knees.

 

Once everything came out - and it did, 8 months after he had ended it and he thought he'd go to his grave with this secret, everything made sense and I see now that he projected everything crappy in his life on me. And I took all that toxic $hit and it made me sick. His affair partner was a way to not deal with anything below the surface, so he thought, but together they made a huge destructive mess with a little strange on the side at work - no love, no plans to leave, just fun that affected several families and the company - my son writes essays in English class about infidelity. How wrong is that?

 

You might want to read HOLD ME TIGHT. Or buy it for your bh. What you have with your lover isn't real and since you're not together, it never will be. You seem to have used each other to not face life like adults, but like horny teenagers with your heads in the sand. The truth will out and it will be awful. My wh had so many chances to opt for the right thing to do, but even though he's a captain of industry, he acted like a total (baby kitten euphemism) for almost 2 years. To know he did this to us for a woman he didn't love or respect weighs on me daily.

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Midwestmissy you brought back some nasty memories but I understand you had a right to vent.

The worst part is you know it, but your partner looks you in the eye and tells you "No, there is no one else". That's soul crushing.

 

To the OP, you said you have your moments and your hubby tolerates it. Make sure you hug him and be the best wife you can be. Because, from what you describe, you don't deserve him.

You can't shut off feelings for the MM, but you can focus on your family.

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