Woman coworker **Updated**

[Akashsingh]

I have a woman coworker that I have developed a huge crush on. She is incredibly pretty and I am just an average joe .Initially I was not sure if she was married or not, since she seldom wears a ring. I found out that she is married through online search of her name. Earlier on I was nice to her and she was to me as well. However I avoided sitting next to her in meetings or hanging out with her. She preferred sitting next to me on many occasions but certainly avoided me in cafes.

 

Everyone at my workplace makes Facebook friends and she didn't make me friends but later I added her as a friend. I did like a few posts from her, a bit stupid of me perhaps, but her pictures (nothing revealing, just faces). She doesnt click on most of my Facebook posts but in meetings and private conversations, she says nothing but good things about me.

 

She also wrote me an email with a copy to my manager about how much she liked working with me and how well I was doing in my job. She has done so on more than one occasion. But then on some occasions she also excludes me from key communications.

 

A couple of times, she also high fives me. I feel a bit uncomfortable with such public display of touch but out of respect of not making her look stupid, I returned her high fives. Since then , I think she understood, I didn't like this type of display in front of other coworkers.

 

Also from a communication perspective, she sometimes will speak with me at the coffee place and sometimes she wont and will ignore me on those occasions.

 

I have said to her that she has been kind to me and I appreciate that, but nothing more.

 

I am a bit confused, if she likes me more than a coworker, or she just says things such as what she says just to make me feel better, or she is testing me to see if I like her. etc. Or she doesn't like working with me and is being forced to work with me. Ofcourse, I dont want to lose my job, more importantly I don't want to lose working with her, because she is a live wire to work with and I definitely have feelings for her. That has come out on occasions as obvious but she has encouraged me more than discouraged following that...

 

What do you folks think?

Edited December 8, 2015 by Akashsingh

[Samhain]

I think she's a work colleague and is treating you as such.

[wanderingxsoulz]

Just some harmless flirting on her part, maybe? Women like to see how much attention they can get. Just ignore it and treat her as you would any other work colleague.

[Popsicle]

I think she is just as confused as you, regarding whether you are interested. You too have sent mixed messages. You both are confused, so that's where it stands.

[Rainbowlove]

I think you are reading into things too much because you're crushing on her.

 

Do yourself a favor, get a dog or a good book to keep your mind off this woman.

 

Keep your boundaries professional.

[Popsicle]

And yes this is work so maybe it's best to keep it that way.

[Standard-Fare]

Nothing you said here gives a strong indication that she's interested in you beyond a work relationship.

 

It does sound like you are super awkward around her. That high-five part was painful to read... it's just a high-five, she's trying to be casual and friendly. There's no reason for you to freak out, and there's even less reason for you to read ANY sort of romantic intent behind that.

 

Hopefully you can loosen up around her a little, and also keep your crush at bay.

[jenkins95]

Hi Akashsingh!

 

To me, your email doesn't give any great cause for concern as things are right now. You have a crush on her and maybe she has one on you, or detects yours and is quite flattered by it. In general, harmless office flirting and crushes are fairly normal and can be fun as long as they don't go too far.

 

But if it does turn out that there is an attraction between you two and things start to move in that direction - more suggestive flirting, 'meetings' with just the two of you, going for coffee, etc., I'm sure almost everyone on these forums would advise you to save a world of potential pain by putting a stop to it and walking in the other direction before things can get out of control.

 

There are 100s of people on these boards, including myself, who thought that no harm could come from taking some initial flirting a little further, and following that intoxicating pull of curiosity, attraction and fascination. After all, you can control it, right? Several broken hearts and nervous breakdowns later, I'm regretting my rashness and stupidity. You are in the fortunate position of arriving at these boards BEFORE any inappropriate behaviour - very wise of you, that deserves congratulations. Most of us arrive here in desperation when so much damage has already been done.

 

Harmless office flirting is quite normal and fun, but I definitely advise not to let it get any further.

 

Good luck!

[Akashsingh]

Thanks everyone. I recently returned from a long vacation. She was the first one to ask me if I was back, which again is not significant but despite being sick, she came to work in the afternoon to attend a meeting that I had organized which again wasn't a super important meeting and we had remote tools to attend.

 

I agree that I sent her mixed messages and been confused but she has been the same way. Again I saw her at coffee table today. She didn't say hi or anything nor did she acknowledge my presence but then I had like 3 meetings with her, two of them professional and one 1:1 but also semi professionals.

 

So I guess I agree now she is just being nice and wants to keep things professional only and perhaps she doesn't like working that much with me because of my weird behavior.

[WomenWubber]

And you want to keep things strictly professional with her, unless you want to risk putting your work situation in jeopardy.

[Krashi]

Thanks everyone. I recently returned from a long vacation. She was the first one to ask me if I was back, which again is not significant but despite being sick, she came to work in the afternoon to attend a meeting that I had organized which again wasn't a super important meeting and we had remote tools to attend.

 

I agree that I sent her mixed messages and been confused but she has been the same way. Again I saw her at coffee table today. She didn't say hi or anything nor did she acknowledge my presence but then I had like 3 meetings with her, two of them professional and one 1:1 but also semi professionals.

 

So I guess I agree now she is just being nice and wants to keep things professional only and perhaps she doesn't like working that much with me because of my weird behavior.

 

Yeah ,and she is married, right? So, the whole issue really only matters if you are willing to commit adultery. I assume that goes against your ethics, right?

[oceansaway]

It seems you have crush and have built her up in your head as if she likes you. From your post I see nothing that would suggest she likes you more than a coworker

[Akashsingh]

Well, as I said, I really like her. I am not too concerned about losing my job, I will find another one. It seems there are multiple people vying for her attention. In addition to her husband, there is a guy at work, really handsome, he somehow gets lots of 1:1 meetings with her. They seem to be spending atleast 2 hrs together in meetings. I consider him to be my real competition because he doesn't like me being around. I have been nice to him but he hasn't been to me. So I probably have a little chance at the moment. But I certainly don't want to give up. And no I don't believe in religious BS like adultry and stuff. I have let too many women go in my life to such stuff and competition. So let's see...

[GorillaTheater]

And no I don't believe in religious BS like adultry and stuff. I have let too many women go in my life to such stuff and competition.

 

 

If you don't believe in "religious BS" like adultery, why did you let these other women go when they, I assume, cheated on you? What was the problem?

[whatatangledweb]

This woman has showed nothing what so ever to indicate that she has anything but a professional interest in you or anyone else. You are making something out of nothing.

[Akashsingh]

I have been working with a girl and I like her. Of course she is married. I think she senses that I like her. She flirts with me openly in meetings and its also obvious to our co workers that we like each other. However, she avoids walking with me to other buildings or be seen in cafeteria. Thats understandable given her married status.

 

Recently, she asked me out , indirectly, to go on a business trip with other co workers (This happened in a meeting. She said you guys should join us on a business trip.). I refused and instead said she could take one of my team mates (a woman) with her. She asked me a second time next week and I still refused but offered to send the same team member. She was quite mad at me for this.

 

Being in her 20s and a little immatured, she stopped attending my meetings. She had no conflict and she did not want to attend a meeting that I had organized. She was just sitting at her desk and did not attend. Just as I thought that I had straightened things up and we started talking and flirting again. She again, in 5 mins of flirting and texting (all on public company forum), asked me, if she was needed again for the next meeting. Since she asked publicly, I said no, since we already texted about things we had to.

 

This is a bit painful for me to not see her in meetings. I assume she does this on purpose.

 

I am confused whether she even likes working with me or is she just putting up with me. Any pointers?

Edited February 13, 2016 by Akashsingh

[Qboro90]

Yes. Don't risk your job over a married co worker... No matter how hot she may be. It's not worth it. If the meeting youre holding requires her to attend then invite her because that's where she should be. If it doesn't require her attendance, then don't. Same thing with the business trip... If you would add to the business factor Of the trip and it's part of your required job duties then go. If not, then don't.

 

The reason I'm not telling you to proceed is because this girl is clearly not able to be discreet by what you've described. She flirts and borders the line of appropriateness in front of others, in emails, group chats, and in person. She's also shown to get an attitude and become bitter/throw a small tantrum when she doesn't get the reaction out of you she wants or the answer she's looking for. Imagine what she would do if you had sex?! You could be dreading going to work everyday because she might tell YOUR boss that you're sexually harassing her if you do something that upsets her or makes her feel snubbed.

 

Do not send anything in writing that is flirtatious or inappropriate to her EVeR. Sexual harassment is going to follow you around if you have to find another job. This is obviously worst case scenario but honestly... What is the benefit for you in proceeding with this woman? You get laid a few times? Have a taboo office romance and bend her over your desk after hours? Ok then what? She's married. You have no idea what her husband would do if he found out. Or what your boss and company would do.

 

And if the whole office notices and can see that you two are attracted to each other and flirting then you better bet that they're talking and spreading rumorss behind your back about what might be going on between you and her. It's fine as long as they are just rumors and gossip. However when those rumors become true... Then you are in a vulnerable position and cannot control what happens.

Do you have bills? A house? Mortgage ? Car? Do you really want to be vulnerable and put those things at risk because the sexy 25yo is teasing you at work?

[Qboro90]

I also don't see where she is flirting with you by what you described in your post. What is she saying/doing that is flirty and obvious that she likes/attracted to you?

 

I think the better possibility is that you have a crush on this girl and are making small things she does into bigger meanings in order to fit your ego boost that you get from feeling that she's into you. You said she "indirectly" asked you to go on a business trip. How is that flirting?

She stopped going to meetings that you held? Did these meetings have anything to do with her job or not? Can't blame her for not wanting to sit in a work meeting if it has nothing or very little to do with her.

 

So which is it? Is she clearly flirting with you and being obvious? If so, what exactly has she said/done. Or do you have a crush on this woman and are subconsciously reading into things to fit your narrative?

[Akashsingh]

I do have a crush on her and yes she was required in the meetings. I mean it depends. We have a large team and no one person is important. So I asked if another team member (male) could attend, she was not required. Which basically crushes her ego. The same thing happened this week too. I did decline the business trip because I could not add enough value on the trip.

 

Also I am not looking at her as a sex object. I genuinely like her more than any other woman in this world.

[Qboro90]

I do have a crush on her and yes she was required in the meetings. I mean it depends. We have a large team and no one person is important. So I asked if another team member (male) could attend, she was not required. Which basically crushes her ego. The same thing happened this week too. I did decline the business trip because I could not add enough value on the trip.

 

Also I am not looking at her as a sex object. I genuinely like her more than any other woman in this world.

 

Yea it's pretty clear that you have an infatuation with this girl. However you haven't answered my questions. What exactly is she saying/Doing that you see as flirting? That's a major detail into what's actually going on as opposed to what you hope is going on based of your own perceptions. By explaining what she's doing you'll be able to get an honest opinion/view about what her feelings might be instead of a biased view in which you're basing your assumptions on

[Akashsingh]

Yea it's pretty clear that you have an infatuation with this girl. However you haven't answered my questions. What exactly is she saying/Doing that you see as flirting? That's a major detail into what's actually going on as opposed to what you hope is going on based of your own perceptions. By explaining what she's doing you'll be able to get an honest opinion/view about what her feelings might be instead of a biased view in which you're basing your assumptions on

 

edited. Not worth posting all the details.

Edited February 13, 2016 by Akashsingh

[Qboro90]

D

She used to like to sit next to me in the meeting. She used to get disappointed when I didn't sit next to her but is now used to it.

She wrote email to my boss stating how good a worker I was and I was a rock star etc.

 

- She sat next to you and complimented you to your boss during a work email she sent. Nothing flirtatious here. Any smart employee would compliment the people they work with, especially those who are in higher positions. Which it sounds like you are. If you're her superior or even management level in a different area, she is doing what any employee would do.

 

She also said in front of all colleagues that I was doing a superb job.

Then she called and told me that she wanted to discuss work with me at her desk. At her desk she told me that she felt better every time she talked with me.

 

She asked to discuss WORK with you. She felt better because you probably make it easier for her to figure out what she needs to do based off what she asks you.

 

She usually "bumps" into me at the coffee stand. Which I no longer believe is coincidental because it happened more often than not.

 

Office banter, people can playfully interact back and forth without it meaning much.

 

When I crack a joke in the meeting, she looks at me through the corner of her eye and smiles.

 

If you crack a joke, everyone should be smiling. So she's just doing what anyone would do. She's looking at you because you're the one who's talking. Who else would she look at while laughing?

 

She shared office documents with me and I am the only one from my team who those documents are shared with.

 

Again, WORK related. Why would she need to share the documents with your team when you are the one who runs the team. Would you give every member of a baseball team the lineup or just the manager? She's giving it to you because you're the one who it's supposed to be shared with, not them.

She initially liked to walk with me to my desk and also did a hi five on a couple of occasions but I kind of put a stop to that.

 

Coworker walked alongside you in your office and high fives you a couple of times? Cmon.. Really.

 

She has other meetings near my desk (meeting rooms there), but , I dont look at her when she is there.

 

This is literally nothing so not sure what you're reading into here as flirting or her interest in you.

I am a lot more open and friendly with other married women at my work. In that I go for lunch and walk with them but never with this woman but, I would love to.

You're not attracted to them tho. You're attracted to this girl so you're thinking differently.

 

Some of my peers picked on her and gave her a hard time for not properly managing things on the project. They also made it sound like it was coming from me. Because I had made a reference to that in one meeting.

After this, our relationship changed, she stopped coming to my meetings. I didn't complain even if she was required . Then she started attending again.

 

So obviously she felt upset/embarrassed/angry that you were telling people she did a poor job on the project. Why would she want to go to meetings when you're talking bad about her behind her back? Even if you weren't, your peers made it appear like you were so naturally she believes it's coming from you. She's also complimenting you to your boss and you then make her look bad and put down her work/effort in return? Not the best idea on your part.

 

Only recently I did because no one from her team was in the meeting. I like to joke, flirt and pull her leg whether people are around or not because she is a sport. I did ask her out once at the coffee table when others were around, but that was in the heat of the moment. So yeah my actions are driven by my infatuation but I also feel she kind of encourages me and then tries to distance herself from me.

 

My boss asked me to work with her. So I did. But then I also liked her. She says things like she can't handle so much work (i.e. work in my area), she doesn't need to be involved in things we do etc. But then she is also very nice to me.

 

She's literally telling you that she has too much work to handle and can't attend all your meetings when they just add to her workload and take time away from getting the rest of her job done. She's nice to you? I'm nice to the cleaning lady in my office, it doesn't mean I like her romantically.

 

However, if she meets or sees me outside of work , she would not say hi or smile.

Whereas in business meetings she is very nice to the point she wants to hi five.

 

 

 

Wow... Sorry but I was expecting this after hearing you reveal more in your earlier posts. This girl is NOT flirting with you. She is WORKING. Everything that you feel is directed towards you in a positive manner has to do with her job and what she's required to do.

 

Look at your last two sentences. She doesn't acknowledge you outside of work whatsoever. Not even a hi or smile. What does that tell you?

 

It means she is only being nice and cordial and social with you because you WORK TOGETHER and you are her superior. If she liked you her behavior would include more than just work related body language and comments like you described. It's clear that this girl is not doing anything to lead you on. I strongly recommend you stop breaking down everything she does while at work and gearing it towards you because you want her to like you.

 

If you keep it up eventually you're going to get confronted by your boss because she's going to report your harassing her.

 

Not trying to be mean here either. If anything you listed above was even close to her flirting or being attracted to you then I would've gotten behind you and agreed with you. However NONE of it says that and it's not even remotely difficult to see or giving mixed signals. Sounds like she's a pretty girl who is nice to you and playful at work and you have developed feelings, infatuation with her and now everything she does you feel is somehow having to do with you. She's married, she's not showing any interest in you inside the office or outside work. Case closed.

Edited February 13, 2016 by Qboro90
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[Popsicle]

I have been working with a girl and I like her. Of course she is married. I think she senses that I like her. She flirts with me openly in meetings and its also obvious to our co workers that we like each other. However, she avoids walking with me to other buildings or be seen in cafeteria. Thats understandable given her married status.

 

Recently, she asked me out , indirectly, to go on a business trip with other co workers (This happened in a meeting. She said you guys should join us on a business trip.). I refused and instead said she could take one of my team mates (a woman) with her. She asked me a second time next week and I still refused but offered to send the same team member. She was quite mad at me for this.

 

Being in her 20s and a little immatured, she stopped attending my meetings. She had no conflict and she did not want to attend a meeting that I had organized. She was just sitting at her desk and did not attend. Just as I thought that I had straightened things up and we started talking and flirting again. She again, in 5 mins of flirting and texting (all on public company forum), asked me, if she was needed again for the next meeting. Since she asked publicly, I said no, since we already texted about things we had to.

 

This is a bit painful for me to not see her in meetings. I assume she does this on purpose.

 

I am confused whether she even likes working with me or is she just putting up with me. Any pointers?

 

You are doing the right thing. Do not ever doubt that, and most importantly, keep it up. She will get over her anger as long as you keep things strictly professional.

Edited February 13, 2016 by Popsicle

[elaine567]

SHE'S MARRIED!!!!

and I agree with Qboro90 - nothing you write shows she is enamoured with you.

She is just doing her job here.

[Popsicle]

Yeah you should probably get the thought out of your head that she's enamored with you (it's unhealthy) and stop being enamored with her (also unhealthy). She is married. There is nothing to be had there, and trust me, you don't want to go down the affair road in any way. Just keep it professional and ignore any perceived overly-friendly gestures on her part.