Difficult123 Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 I have been married for about 13 yrs but they havent been great. Husband cheated and would physically abuse me everyday for first 4 yrs and i got tired but didnt leave. I met a guy who has been so amazing with me. We have been having a relationship for a total of 5 years. He was single no kids waiting for me to leave but i was scared to and felt he was wasting his years with me so i broke it off so he coukd be happy and Evetually he did let go. A year after that he messages me again and we kept talking he was already w someone who has cheated kn him and while we talked she ended up pregnant. Right now i have been ignoring him becausw he has gone out with her and ive seen pictures and i cant handle it. He says for me to leave husband and he'll leave her idk what to do or believe. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 No, you are not selfish for wanting a better life ... one that will make you happy. I'm astounded that you haven't left your M a long time ago, to be honest. Couple abuse with an A, and those are two serious dealbreakers. But leave for you, not for anyone else. Leaving for someone rarely works out in the long run. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Difficult123 Posted December 6, 2015 Author Share Posted December 6, 2015 I havent caught him cheating again and he hasnt hit me i think i feel like the bad one now thats why i stay but idk what to do cuz i dont love him Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 ... cuz i dont love him Of course not--I wouldn't either, if I were in your shoes. And that's a d*med fine reason to leave a M. Why would you feel guilty? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Do you love your husband? Are you happy in the marriage? Do you want to stay married to him forever? If it's a yes to all the questions stay where you are. Are things better in your marriage or just tolerable? I'm surprised you are not resentful for the fort years of abuse and regarding hi chearing....do you know he's stopped or you just haven't caught him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Difficult123 Posted December 6, 2015 Author Share Posted December 6, 2015 I feel guilty because he hasnt hit me anymore he has been trying ti be better and he is a good father im the one cheating now and for a lomg time. We rarely have sex probably like 2-3 times a year so I thought he was cheating again but he doesnt go out and phone is clear so might just b me looking for a reason to not feel like im the bad one. I feel like he chanef just too late. Last time he hit me it was bad but its when he found out i cheated so it was my fault. I'm deeply in love with my A but when i see his piks w her i wonder why he doesnt leave her if he isnt even married to her and if he loves me so much. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 I have been married for about 13 yrs but they havent been great. Husband cheated and would physically abuse me everyday for first 4 yrs and i got tired but didnt leave. I met a guy who has been so amazing with me. We have been having a relationship for a total of 5 years. He was single no kids waiting for me to leave but i was scared to and felt he was wasting his years with me so i broke it off so he coukd be happy and Evetually he did let go. A year after that he messages me again and we kept talking he was already w someone who has cheated kn him and while we talked she ended up pregnant. Right now i have been ignoring him becausw he has gone out with her and ive seen pictures and i cant handle it. He says for me to leave husband and he'll leave her idk what to do or believe. Any advice? Yes...extremely selfish to string a man you love along for 5 years while you stay with an abusive spouse. Unreal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Difficult123 Posted December 6, 2015 Author Share Posted December 6, 2015 Sandylee ive had my doubts cuz he is not like a husband to me were like roomates . As long as indont question his lack of intimacy we are good we wont even fight. But his phone is clean he doesnt even have any apps to msg or fb. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Sandylee ive had my doubts cuz he is not like a husband to me were like roomates . As long as indont question his lack of intimacy we are good we wont even fight. But his phone is clean he doesnt even have any apps to msg or fb. He could be using apps. He could have a second phone...anything. But regardless of his actions or not, if you really only have sex 2 -3 times a year...there is a big problem. Does he have no desire? Does he not find you attractive? Something is going on. Do you still find him attractive? Are you okay with sex 2 -3 times a year? How long do you intend to live like this? If the damage of his abuse is still with you, then you need to find a way to get out of this situation? Your AP needs a single woman he can be with openly Link to post Share on other sites
Author Difficult123 Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 No I'm not ok with our sex life ive told him many times. Im 28 yrs old i workout and eat healthy idk why he doesn't want to. Its been that way for years. He coukd see me comoletely naked and look at me in the eye only and not try anything. I can't do it without the guy i talk to its like im dying inside without him Link to post Share on other sites
Author Difficult123 Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 Im scared to leave be with the guy I talk to and him leaving me for someone else Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 You waited too long and stayed on the fence while he was ready to love and protect you and care for you...you strung him along while your husband abused you and cheated. Now hes moved on and I dont blame him, he wants a woman he doesn't have to share. Interesting how you are so serious about being with him now that he found someone else. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Difficult123 Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 She has cheated on him w 3 guys so its not iust cuz hes w her..inknow who inwant to b w just dont know how to do it and its scary Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 She has cheated on him w 3 guys so its not iust cuz hes w her..inknow who inwant to b w just dont know how to do it and its scary You have had 5 years to figure it out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 This is a hot mess. End the madness and walk away! Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Im scared to leave be with the guy I talk to and him leaving me for someone else If your marriage is so awful then you should want to leave it anyways, regardless of whether there is another man waiting for you or not. I'm shocked at how many women are scared to be alone even when they are still young. I always thought I was too weak for men when I was young, and I was, but I was never afraid to leave a bad relationship and I never needed another man waiting for me. Until you learn to be happy alone you will never be happy with a man. You will drift from one bad relationship to the next out of fear and neediness. Is that who you want to be? A weak woman who can't survive or take care of herself without a man? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 It's time to leave while you are young and still able to get a decent man. Don't stick around and leave in 15/20 years when you don't have as good a chance at love. Have you ever asked your husband why he doesn't want sex and expressed your needs? What does he say? Is the sex with your husband good on the couple of times a year? Is your husband homosexual? Have you told him you can't live this way? Have you thought of requesting an open marriage? Getting a FWB? Don't be scared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Difficult123 Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 Whats a FWB? Idk I've thought about it several times him being homosexual. No it isn't good on those few times its fairly quick and just for him. He says he will change but that the reason there is no sex its because he is tired or we get home late or whatever always am excuse. Always. Ive known for a long time who i want to be with but i mever did anytbing because I'm scared. Scared of going through the same all over again. When i first got married i never thought i would go through what i did, he seemed like a great guy who wouldn't hurt me and yet he did and a lot. Thats why i let this other guy go cuz o saw myself in fear of going through the samw and when he came back and refuses to let go its hard to force hik when thats what i want also. My fear is not beinf alone. My fear is trusting again and being hurt once more. Like i said he is a good father. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 A FWB. ...is a friend with benefits. That's a guy you sleep with, but no emotional attachment usually. You need to take the leap yourself and decide what kind of marriage you want. You former OM may also be thinking your situation isn't that bad or you would have left. Apart from the sex. .. do you get on with your husband? Do you have good conversation? Enjoy holidays together? Go on dates? Again, if he's a great father, maybe let him continue to be and get your needs met elsewhere with his approval. Have you tried Marriage counselling at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Difficult123 Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 He never wants to talk I'll tell him things and he'll be in his phone or looking away and says short things to end the conversation. If i get on top of him like playing around he tells me to get down that im heavy..i weigh 125 i dont think thats heavy. Or i tell him why do u never kiss me and he'll say there you go again. We enjoy holidays because of our kids but not as a couple. I'll tell him to go to a movie withvme and he'll say can't you ask someone else i dont like goijg to the movies. Feels like we are just roommates. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 I havent caught him cheating again and he hasnt hit me i think i feel like the bad one now thats why i stay but idk what to do cuz i dont love him Why don't you stop with the codependent excuses for staying with an abuser? Let me guess. You're financially dependent on him. You had FOUR STRAIGHT YEARS of beatings and still chose to stay so if you didn't leave the 'bad' version of your husband back when he was at his WORST, bringing BACK that version of him won't suddenly compel you to leave NOW. That's yet just another codependent excuse to stay right where you are. Honestly, there was a time you were a victim, but you've been a volunteer for years. And by the way - 'great fathers' don't beat the mother of their children. You know this. You just want to bury your head in the sand because it's so warm around your ears. My fear is trusting again and being hurt once more. Here's a crazy thought. How about you make it about your children, instead? Your whole entire existence doesn't revolve around your love life. Honestly, it doesn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 No, he is not a good father. A good father does not hit the mother of his children. You might not think it affects them, but it might. Do you realize your children might witness this (even if you think they are in bed)? Do you want you children to grow up thinking this is okay? This could be very traumatic for your children and affect them many years. Do the right thing and leave regardless of there being another man in the wing. My fear is not beinf alone. My fear is trusting again and being hurt once more. Like i said he is a good father. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Difficult123 Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 No i dont depend on him i went to school have a great job make good money.ive been here because of my children. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePi Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 To answer the question in the title of this thread: yes you are selfish. You are educated, have a good job and yet refuse to leave an abusive relationship. Selfish because you allow your children to be exposed to their dad abusing their mom for years. I could sympathize if you were poor, had no place to go, no job etc, but not when you "make good money". Maybe I have this view because I come from a similar home to what yours is and I am messed up mentally to this day. Don't allow this for your children. No i dont depend on him i went to school have a great job make good money.ive been here because of my children. Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Who told you his current partner cheated on him? Him? Isn't this the same guy that was willing to cheat with you and now is trying to hook up behind his GF's back? Think there might be just a wee bit if a credibility issue with information from a source like that? Link to post Share on other sites
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