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How do I quit this addiction to my MM


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Hi everyone. I'm a new member and this is my first thread. I've been reading a lot of threads here in LS about being the OW. It has been a great source of strength/insight/solace since this R we have is still taboo to the general public and it's hard to find support from friends in real life because of fear of judgement. And I know that I will be judged here by many but I don't need that right now. I just wish there are others out there who feel the same as I do and in the same situation that can perhaps share how they have finally broken up with their AP and how they got over/getting over the breakup.

 

I have come to a point where I'm ready to break off my affair with my MM who is also my boss.

 

The A began in February this year. We hit it off right away. At first it was just an emotional affair. And as time passed we got even closer and closer and we found out we had so much in common. We started spending much of the day at work just being together (lunch and small breaks) because we really do have a lot of work-related stuff to talk about. We were so addicted to each other. Then we became physically intimate. The sex was out of this world! We played out our fantasies. It's something I've never experienced before. He was such an intense and passionate lover. He got me hooked.

 

But this is a different kind of A in a way that we never talked about our M. We talk about everything under the sun except that topic. But obviously, there's something lacking in our Ms that even if we don't want to talk about it hence here we are in this predicament. It's like an unspoken rule that it's a no-go zone.

And this is not your typical A due to the fact that we have a superior-subordinate situation. It certainly made it harder for us to show affection especially inside the office because we do not want anyone to know. But the tease drove us crazy!

 

We've broken up a couple of times and gotten back together. The first time was because he said he was feeling guilty and he doesn't want to hold me back and lead me on. And I was as well. I tried to leave the company but he wouldn't let me. I tried many times. I did. I just thought we'd be better off with NC and just move on. I knew in my heart it was not going to be easy but I was ready to move on. I wanted to find a man that I can have full attention of, a romance that I can enjoy and don't have to hide it in public - a man I can call my own. I'm young, well-educated, have a young career and ambitious. I have never in my life would have thought I would be in this kind of situation.

 

A month ago, circumstances separated us temporarily from working with each other but we will be reunited again under the same work conditions in the coming month. The communication never stopped. In fact, I feel I'm longing for him even more so than ever this time and I realized how intense my feelings are for him. And it's scary. I think about him all day and all night. It's sad that he can't be here to hold my hand, catch my tears, hug me tight to sleep and to wake up with. I know it's never going to happen and that is why I should start letting go.

I really think it's time to say goodbye before I get myself too hurt to even get out of this alive. I just don't know how :(

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wanderingxsoulz

There is only one way and you already know the answer... don't drag it out any further. There is only one ending to this and 99% of the people can tell you what it is because they have been through it. Same story, same ending.

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No one is judging you but you already know the answer of what you need to do. You just need to read the last sentence of what you just wrote above.

 

If you are smart enough to write this, you are smart enough to know you are most likely not headed for a happy ending here. What you are headed for is sneaking around, waking up alone, being alone on Holidays, going on vacation alone, and sitting in your home weaiting for him to come have sex with you.

 

So you are the only one who can decide if this great sex is worth the results. It is not going to be painless. You must accept that.

 

Probably not what you want to hear, but it is reality.

 

You say you cannot talk to anyone because of judgements of people. Then talk to an IC. And if you ARE talking to girlfriends who are telling you it is great and to enjoy yourself or encouraging you, stop talking to them.

 

You are the only one who can make the decision, and probably most will tell you to do it. That is not being judgemental. It is giving you advice that will get you out of the mess, and yes it is or is going to turn into a mess, that you have gotten yourself in to.

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You aren't ready.

You just said your longing for him more than ever.

Your first step is to interview and get hired and leave with no notice.

Its way way too tangled to end from your side.

Your clearly love him so this proximity and working relationship are no good at all.

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Hugs ! I am literally in the same boat and it is so hard. I just sit here feeling depressed..its been like that for a couple of days :(. But I have to hide it because I'm a mom..

I don't have advice but I'm here for support

 

 

Hi everyone. I'm a new member and this is my first thread. I've been reading a lot of threads here in LS about being the OW. It has been a great source of strength/insight/solace since this R we have is still taboo to the general public and it's hard to find support from friends in real life because of fear of judgement. And I know that I will be judged here by many but I don't need that right now. I just wish there are others out there who feel the same as I do and in the same situation that can perhaps share how they have finally broken up with their AP and how they got over/getting over the breakup.

 

I have come to a point where I'm ready to break off my affair with my MM who is also my boss.

 

The A began in February this year. We hit it off right away. At first it was just an emotional affair. And as time passed we got even closer and closer and we found out we had so much in common. We started spending much of the day at work just being together (lunch and small breaks) because we really do have a lot of work-related stuff to talk about. We were so addicted to each other. Then we became physically intimate. The sex was out of this world! We played out our fantasies. It's something I've never experienced before. He was such an intense and passionate lover. He got me hooked.

 

But this is a different kind of A in a way that we never talked about our M. We talk about everything under the sun except that topic. But obviously, there's something lacking in our Ms that even if we don't want to talk about it hence here we are in this predicament. It's like an unspoken rule that it's a no-go zone.

And this is not your typical A due to the fact that we have a superior-subordinate situation. It certainly made it harder for us to show affection especially inside the office because we do not want anyone to know. But the tease drove us crazy!

 

We've broken up a couple of times and gotten back together. The first time was because he said he was feeling guilty and he doesn't want to hold me back and lead me on. And I was as well. I tried to leave the company but he wouldn't let me. I tried many times. I did. I just thought we'd be better off with NC and just move on. I knew in my heart it was not going to be easy but I was ready to move on. I wanted to find a man that I can have full attention of, a romance that I can enjoy and don't have to hide it in public - a man I can call my own. I'm young, well-educated, have a young career and ambitious. I have never in my life would have thought I would be in this kind of situation.

 

A month ago, circumstances separated us temporarily from working with each other but we will be reunited again under the same work conditions in the coming month. The communication never stopped. In fact, I feel I'm longing for him even more so than ever this time and I realized how intense my feelings are for him. And it's scary. I think about him all day and all night. It's sad that he can't be here to hold my hand, catch my tears, hug me tight to sleep and to wake up with. I know it's never going to happen and that is why I should start letting go.

I really think it's time to say goodbye before I get myself too hurt to even get out of this alive. I just don't know how :(

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But this is a different kind of A in a way that we never talked about our M. We talk about everything under the sun except that topic. But obviously, there's something lacking in our Ms that even if we don't want to talk about it hence here we are in this predicament. It's like an unspoken rule that it's a no-go zone.

 

 

I think this was lost in the shuffle. You're married as well?

 

 

I'm confused why you're considering looking for another man (if you break up with the MM if you are still married yourself).

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You have bestowed Godlike powers upon your MM and you are over romanticizing your affair. You ever think your affair is not typical because he is your superior at work. Actually that's so typical it's a cliche. I guess you'll end it only when you have suffered immensely and destroyed many lives.

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But this is a different kind of A in a way that we never talked about our M.

Typical.

 

 

And this is not your typical A due to the fact that we have a superior-subordinate situation.

 

So ridiculously common it's a given. I agree you are romanticizing it, and making it out like your story is unique.

 

What is your marriage like? Are you in a dead marriage, and your husband is abusive/a cheater/ emotionally distant/ knows, doesn't care/ has not given you any attention in years?

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I don't understand why you're saying you want a man of your own and a romance you don't need to hide? How does that make sense if you are married yourself?

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Time to go looking for another job. There's no way you can handle seeing him and having to deal with him at work all week when you're trying to get over him (IF you actually end it with him, but deep down I think you still want the A, or any kind of friendship to keep the feelings alive).

 

Maybe think about counseling to help you cope with this and figure out why you let yourself get close to another man when you have a husband at home. Why are you feeling unhappy and what is it in you that made you fall for someone else? What needs aren't being met at home and why can't you communicate with your husband?

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I think this was lost in the shuffle. You're married as well?

 

 

I'm confused why you're considering looking for another man (if you break up with the MM if you are still married yourself).

 

Hi there. Yes I used to now I am separated for almost a year and no kids (the reason is not related to this A). I meant MM and I don't talk about his current M and I never spoke of my previous M.

 

He never future faked me either but he said he has feelings for me. Nothing matters, it's so wrong on so many levels. I just don't know if I have the strength to say it to his face when I speak to him (by text now that we are not yet working together) and in person when I start working with him again (still as my boss) in a month.. :( The hard part too is that he is a mentor at work (he's been in my position long before and I constantly need to ask him about work-related issues many times a day regarding clients) and he constantly pops in my office to talk about work-related stuff. I guess we are still so addicted to each other that we justify every contact. It's starting to tear me up inside.

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How exactly is he stopping you leave your job?

I'm sure he does not turn up at your house and drive you to the office or stop you submitting applications and going for interviews... then following through with a resignation.

 

Is he threatening to give you a bad reference? I assume not as you've not said so.

 

You are there because you want to be .... please stop blaming him for not letting you leave.

 

When your husband finds out... will the sex really be worth it?

 

One word for you....CONSEQUENCES.

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Thanks all for your input. I really appreciate your time and thoughts.

 

I need to find the inner strength to walk away from this fantasy that is certainly being seen from a rose-colored glass. The addiction is so real and it's crippling at times. I need to be by myself to reflect on all of the things that is happening from a different perspective, preferably without blinders on.

 

How do you quit something that makes you feel alive? How do you walk away form something so good that it's all you're looking forward to each day? :(

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Hugs ! I am literally in the same boat and it is so hard. I just sit here feeling depressed..its been like that for a couple of days :(. But I have to hide it because I'm a mom..

I don't have advice but I'm here for support

 

Hugs back to you. It is hard. Although we know the right thing to do, I feel like we need to find the strength to actually DO the right thing. It's hard because the feelings and emotions are so intense and the logical mind doesn't stand a chance where these things are involved.

 

:(

 

I wish it's just so easy to do it and get past it. Getting over it is another story...

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Hugs back to you. It is hard. Although we know the right thing to do, I feel like we need to find the strength to actually DO the right thing. It's hard because the feelings and emotions are so intense and the logical mind doesn't stand a chance where these things are involved.

 

:(

 

I wish it's just so easy to do it and get past it. Getting over it is another story...

 

 

Many people here have been in similar spots, and I certainly won't throw stones. Most of the experienced forum people here will say "Go 100% No Contact" because trying to transition to friends or trying to slowly reduce your time together are strategies that don't historically work for most people.

 

 

So it's the old Band-Aid approach, and yes it's hard to pull off! Oh I made a pun unintentionally. Anyway, I agree that you should be looking for a new job. You can NEVER get over him if work considerations require him to pop into your office all the time.

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Typical.

 

 

 

 

So ridiculously common it's a given. I agree you are romanticizing it, and making it out like your story is unique.

 

What is your marriage like? Are you in a dead marriage, and your husband is abusive/a cheater/ emotionally distant/ knows, doesn't care/ has not given you any attention in years?

 

Yeah I know this happens more commonly that we think and hear of. It's just that I don't read a lot of MM/boss A stories out here to draw from. I know there's no happy ending to this. We are both overromanticizing this, I guess everyone does in As. We are escaping from the harsh realities of life. He's going through something in life and I as well. Not trying to find excuses or trying to make my A unique, it's not. But all I meant in that context is that all the factors make it so much more complicated than the run-of-the mill As with no imbalance of power. It makes it harder for me because I look up to him, consult him with work-related issues constantly on a daily basis as we deal with clients and I am the first line of contact with clients before I escalate it to him. I know I have to end it. I will get hurt even more so if I don't do it soon. I just don't know how to quit it when the feelings are so intense.

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Many people here have been in similar spots, and I certainly won't throw stones. Most of the experienced forum people here will say "Go 100% No Contact" because trying to transition to friends or trying to slowly reduce your time together are strategies that don't historically work for most people.

 

 

So it's the old Band-Aid approach, and yes it's hard to pull off! Oh I made a pun unintentionally. Anyway, I agree that you should be looking for a new job. You can NEVER get over him if work considerations require him to pop into your office all the time.

 

Thanks for not casting a stone. I agree I can only do the 100% NC when I find new employment. It's not gonna be easy, it will take every ounce of energy and will for me to even take the first step. I'm throwing myself in dark waters with the uncertainty it involves but I guess it's the only way. I need to find a place to store these intense feelings (although it's been said that men are better at compartmentalizing) while I try find the strength to make concrete steps. I hope I can make it...

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I have been thinking about setting a time and date and I will do it before the year ends.

 

I want to start the new year fresh.

 

I will try to find an employment elsewhere in the same industry and I will need his reference so I should gracefully exit the A. I just wish I can build my career in this law firm because it's been my dream company to work for. I wish I could move to another city so I will never have to run into him ever again. He's a great guy/boss and I will just leave the memories at that. I've just been here for 4 years but because I allowed myself to get into this situation that I have to pay for it. I know I will likely fall into depression, going to miss him like crazy and will probably not date for months or even years until I get over him. I blame myself for everything. What was I thinking..... :(

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Thanks all for your input. I really appreciate your time and thoughts.

 

I need to find the inner strength to walk away from this fantasy that is certainly being seen from a rose-colored glass. The addiction is so real and it's crippling at times. I need to be by myself to reflect on all of the things that is happening from a different perspective, preferably without blinders on.

 

How do you quit something that makes you feel alive? How do you walk away form something so good that it's all you're looking forward to each day? :(

 

Perhaps you just keep the rose colored glasses on and enjoy the affair every day then?

If he is your happiness and joy and makes you feel alive, mentors and helps you with your job and its so good, theres no sense ending it then right?

Just know an affair has an end date. Its not a contract. They are either discovered by a spouse or colleague or the interest fades and the AP is phased out. You can carry on blissfully as if the end will never come but your starting to unravel.

How long can you carry on?

How nice will Christmas be when you can't have him there.

How nice will Valentine's day be when you can't have a date.

How are you ignoring that he goes home each night and kisses his wife and tells her about his workday with no mention that he spent his day with you?

You can only get out by getting out of that job and facing your life and problems instead of escaping them.

I hope your getting a reality check here that can help you.

With a new year coming up you can choose to spend it free of this illusion and chose a healthy new existence.

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Mech, I thought I would post because I was in a very similar situation. My exMM was also my direct boss. We worked together, I respected him, looked up to him, he was my mentor, all that. I knew him for years. Suddenly, we were in an affair, both married. Then there was a D Day, and boom, I don't have that job anymore.

 

You don't have the sticky issue of being married (I'm not making light of things...just truth). But the other consequences could still apply - D Day (on his side), loss of friendship, loss of relationship, loss of employment, loss of the job/work you enjoy, other things that are difficult to quantify or put your arms around.

 

The problem is, you've already stepped in the shoo-shoo. The line has been crossed and it will never be what it used to be. You can't just go back to the old way of doing things. As privategal said, this will not go on forever, no matter what you do. There will be an end. He's already saying things like, "I need to let you go, find someone who can commit to you." I can't tell what the status is of your relationship now. You could just choose to let it go on as you wish for now, "enjoy what you have." But something WILL happen. Even if he just suddenly ends it, or it's a long, drawn-out end, or him pulling away, or you finding someone else, or HR getting called in, any number of things. It will hurt now, it will hurt then. It is likely to hurt worse later. You will definitely want another job. That stinks but you won't be able to get over him completely if you stay. You'll be miserable.

 

It's a break up. Maybe a more intense one, but a break up. And you have the chance to control how it goes down if you do it now, which reduces the likelihood of it being ugly. And these things just have a much greater chance of ending with a bang.

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Rip that bandaid off! I did it and while the feelings leading up to and right after range from depression, an overwhelming sense of loss, anger, panic, love, obsession, nostalgia and pretty much any other irrational crazy emotion out there, you will feel healthy and happy in time. I worked with my ex MM and while he was not my superior, we had to consult with each other on stuff quite a bit. You need to have a conversation with him and tell him that there is no point in continuing with this R as there is no future and you want more. That said, tread very very carefully as he is your boss. Be careful that he will not engage in any sort of retaliatory behavior (intentional or unintentional) that may cause a difficult work environment or hurt your career. Also make sure your coworkers never find out about anything (I made the mistake of confiding in one and everyone knew and it was a mess). Finally, start looking for another job. I don't work with my ex anymore and the physical distance makes it easier to move on. Just end it - it's inevitable and the sooner you do it, the faster you can move on.

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Hi there. Yes I used to now I am separated for almost a year and no kids (the reason is not related to this A). I meant MM and I don't talk about his current M and I never spoke of my previous M.

 

He never future faked me either but he said he has feelings for me. Nothing matters, it's so wrong on so many levels. I just don't know if I have the strength to say it to his face when I speak to him (by text now that we are not yet working together) and in person when I start working with him again (still as my boss) in a month.. :( The hard part too is that he is a mentor at work (he's been in my position long before and I constantly need to ask him about work-related issues many times a day regarding clients) and he constantly pops in my office to talk about work-related stuff. I guess we are still so addicted to each other that we justify every contact. It's starting to tear me up inside.

 

Sounds like a very unhealthy relationship with a father figure. How on earth could he prevent you from quitting. Sounds almist like a Rasputin deal.

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Not sure if this will help, but, perhaps it will. I have practiced law for a very long time. Your boss may have some talent and technical skill. But, his lack of judgement and ethics is remarkable.

He knows that he has put himself in a terrible position having relations with a work subordinate, even setting aside the morality of cheating. His lack of integrity and judgement are terrible qualities in a lawyer.

You admire him, but he is not an honorable man.

Many of us, especially the successful, good looking ones, :cool:like me,have had myriad opportunities to have sex with younger female associates. Hypergamy must play a role, I expect.

I know of several lawyers who have gone this route, and, behind their backs, their cooleagues think they are ego driven buffoons.

Make sure this guy knows that you need a good reference. If he has hslf a brain, he will realize the danger to himself if he makes things tough on you. You will not even have to explain it to him, unlesshe is a complete dumb ass.

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