An update on me, if you want to read

[Broom]

Hello, I'm new to LS but been lurking this forum for the last two months as I turned to Google for insight and support for my situation. I decided to register and tell my story.

 

Feel free to be as harsh and honest as you would like! I really want to hear everyone's honest and raw opinion.

 

 

 

This is an office thing between two co-workers who work and sit very closely together. He's 10+ years older than I am, married, with kids and has a reputation for a wandering eye + being a flirt. We have worked together for years, and I have noticed him watching me or flirting with me (along with over women) over this span.

 

Never reciprocated or gave him any openings until a few months ago. A very unhealthy relationship ended in a bad way, which left me at an emotional low and feeling very needy. During this time, I was noticeably depressed and struggling with the breakup (along with other personal issues).

 

It was also during this time that our working relationship became closer, not by choice. We've had to spend lots of time collaborating on projects, which has led to one-on-one banter in-person or IM. As I said before, he is not shy about flirting or throwing out innuendo. I started throwing them back and it has taken off from there.

 

A lot of talking back and forth has led me to feel better about myself, but I know it is at the expense of being emotionally invested in him. I anticipate him arriving at work because I know it means I get to see & talk to him, I anticipate our next interactions, I get moody or sad when he is absent or too unavailable to respond due to other obligations.

 

Because of the last part, he extended (without my request) a means to contact him outside of work. I took him up on this and we have been sporadically communicating outside of work, though he can only talk late at night and it's hard for me to stay up.

 

He has also made clear that he has plans to take me out to dinner, but I have declined twice. He has also suggested that we start doing activities together after working hours, but I have not accepted. I'm obviously aware that I should not put myself in that position to go further and I know it's harder and harder to resist him.

 

I have started to pull away in terms of contacting him or even acknowledging him.

 

I do not message or speak to him first.

I do not look his way if it can be avoided.

I do not even mention his name unless work-related.

 

This has led to him making excuses to work with me, in order to put us together physically or have an excuse to reach out to me. The conversation begins with work-related topic and then he quickly turns it back personal. I keep the conversations short and cordial, and I am never abrasive.

 

Occasionally, I catch him staring at me when I'm not looking. He smiles and then I flash an anxious smile and look away.

 

Thank you.

[whatatangledweb]

He is looking to having an affair with you. Is that what you are asking? Stop the personal part and keep it professional. He is just going to bring you unhappiness in the long run and it could cost you your job.

[whichwayisup]

All you can do is continue to keep things professional at work and not contact him off hours when not at work.

 

Be strong. Keep in your mind that he is just an ego feed, someone who filled a spot in your life for a little while to make you feel better about yourself. Though with that said, it's false sense of security since you know the guy is married with kids and the flirting game was going no where.

 

Get busy. Hang out with your women friends.

[Blu72]

My affair started at work, with a man I knew/worked with for 12 years. It's not something I saw coming from him at all when he started pursuing me out of the blue. It started with bantering back/forth over IM, which was nothing unusual for us cause we worked together, but he started flirting and it ended up escalating to PA within 3 months. And it's been on/off for 4 years now and we no longer work together. Trust me - do not let it escalate. It's not worth the heartache and bs you will have to deal with. If I could go back I would have never allowed myself to go there. Keep it professional and don't cross the line even to friendship. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can just be friends with him because he will still try to pursue it with you. Good luck.

[Broom]

I have not explicitly expressed the desire of NC to him. I have just tried to contain myself and internalize these feelings in hopes that he would just move along to someone else.

 

It's awkward because he can just approach me at work or contact me at any time, and I cannot really fully ignore or not respond.

 

I did cut out all non-work contact and he has not tried to use that avenue since. He still updates me on his home life, but does not use any terms of affection or anything towards me.

 

I think he is now playing cautious because he has noticed my signs of pulling away and does not want to give me any ammo if I decided to report it.

 

He does just enough to make sure that I still acknowledge him and don't forget about him and a reminder he is still there.

 

I do think about him from time to time, and not fully emotionally healthy. But I am aware enough to be smart about resisting.

 

Thank you, guys.

[Broom]

My affair started at work, with a man I knew/worked with for 12 years. It's not something I saw coming from him at all when he started pursuing me out of the blue. It started with bantering back/forth over IM, which was nothing unusual for us cause we worked together, but he started flirting and it ended up escalating to PA within 3 months. And it's been on/off for 4 years now and we no longer work together. Trust me - do not let it escalate. It's not worth the heartache and bs you will have to deal with. If I could go back I would have never allowed myself to go there. Keep it professional and don't cross the line even to friendship. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can just be friends with him because he will still try to pursue it with you. Good luck.

 

 

Are you still involved with him? What are the details? How did he get you to cross the line to a PA?

 

Why are you no longer working with him?

[whichwayisup]

I have not explicitly expressed the desire of NC to him. I have just tried to contain myself and internalize these feelings in hopes that he would just move along to someone else.

 

Why have you not just said to him, let's keep things professional at work and please don't contact me outside off work hours, or something like that.

 

Are you worried or afraid he'll cause issues for you at work?

[Broom]

Why have you not just said to him, let's keep things professional at work and please don't contact me outside off work hours, or something like that.

 

Are you worried or afraid he'll cause issues for you at work?

 

Yes, he has more clout than I do and could make things HELL for me. I am worried that if I damage his ego with just a bold rejection, he would never forgive me and I'm not in the position to switch jobs so quickly.

[Blu72]

Are you still involved with him? What are the details? How did he get you to cross the line to a PA?

 

Why are you no longer working with him?

 

Well we had been co-workers/friends for about 10-11 years before he even made any moves to pursue me. So it really came out of left field when he did. And at first I really didn't think much of it cause it was light flirting. But he kept making excuses to come over to my work area a lot to see me and then he just started really pursuing me. Obviously I was not successful in my efforts to not get involved. It became PA within 3 months of him really pursuing me. Then about year and a half into it he left to go to another company. I figured it would be over then, even though he didn't give me the impression it would be. I told myself to let it go and let him focus on this new endeavor and not contact him. I really figured it would be over. Within a month he was emailing me and we kept it friendly for about 3 months just emailing occasionally. Although he kept beating around the bush about seeing me, I really thought it was done. He asked to meet me for lunch one day and it's been ongoing since then. So a total of 4 years on/off mostly on the last 2 years. Although I am trying to detach from this, it's been hard and a complete roller coaster all the time.

 

Take it from me, sooooo not worth the heartache you will inflict on yourself and others.

[Broom]

Well we had been co-workers/friends for about 10-11 years before he even made any moves to pursue me. So it really came out of left field when he did. And at first I really didn't think much of it cause it was light flirting. But he kept making excuses to come over to my work area a lot to see me and then he just started really pursuing me. Obviously I was not successful in my efforts to not get involved. It became PA within 3 months of him really pursuing me. Then about year and a half into it he left to go to another company. I figured it would be over then, even though he didn't give me the impression it would be. I told myself to let it go and let him focus on this new endeavor and not contact him. I really figured it would be over. Within a month he was emailing me and we kept it friendly for about 3 months just emailing occasionally. Although he kept beating around the bush about seeing me, I really thought it was done. He asked to meet me for lunch one day and it's been ongoing since then. So a total of 4 years on/off mostly on the last 2 years. Although I am trying to detach from this, it's been hard and a complete roller coaster all the time.

 

Take it from me, sooooo not worth the heartache you will inflict on yourself and others.

 

 

The beginning of this sounds like my story. I have worked with this guy for years and really never even came on his radar nor did he come on mine.

 

And then since we began working together, he makes excuses to involve me on tasks/projects so that I have to come over to his desk or he has to come over to mine. He makes excuses to be physically near me whenever convenient and really began to pursue me aggressively.

 

I admit that I did crack and give him the opening by finally responding/flirting back. It felt good and I kept flirting, but never to the point of overt XXX messages or any picture exchanges. It was just a flirty joke here and there, but obviously it was enough to give him the green light.

 

He has been physical with me in the form of touching, i.e. he uses minor things as an excuse to touch me and his hand lingers. I do feel a rush when he touches me, but I am trying to ignore that.

[Blu72]

Run. Seriously. My MM and I were friends for a long time before he even tried to start things up, so for me it was totally out of left field at the time. But I guess if I'm to be honest and I look way back to before he came on real strong I see some signs that I never picked up on at the time. I guess I never thought of him in that way so I was oblivious to the little things he did or said that now I realize showed he had some interest. But at the time they were so insignificant to me I never really gave it a second thought. When the flirting got out of hand the lingering hands started whenever he was near me. Shortly after it started up, I told him we had to stop and he agreed as long as we could maintain the professional friendship. And I felt I could do it because we had known each other so long and the PA hadn't been going on that long at the time. We lasted 2-3 weeks before he was coming on strong again, I would tell him to stop and he would just say he was "trying" and to try and understand that. So I tried to cut him some slack. But then he would ask me for help on a project (which wasn't unusual because we had to work together) I would go over to his cube and he would get real close to me and it would start back up. So you see, once you cross the line it's hard to stop and remain just friends. We have stopped tho a few times where one of us will go distant and try no contact but the longest we have gone when trying that has been 3 weeks to a month and then he is contacting me. Roller coaster ride of epic proportions.

[still_an_Angel]

Read some more stories on here, one common thread is the heartache of affairs. I don't think anyone would recommend this road, because the hurt you get is probably enough to negate all the highs of the A.

 

 

You still have the capacity to run away, its best to do so now while you are not yet involved, there are other men who can offer you more and this is the type of relationship you should pursue. This guy is a known player and he is still married, this already tells you he is only after a side piece, do you really want to be in this situation? Your career is also on the line, the odds of you coming out of this unscathed (not just emotionally) but career-wise is not the best.

[Blu72]

Trust me any highs you might feel from this will never outweigh the extreme lows of the affair. The lows are so excruciating at times that nothing can prepare you for that feeling. At least you are searching out advice and help before letting this begin, which is a start in the right direction toward the other way.

[Broom]

Trust me any highs you might feel from this will never outweigh the extreme lows of the affair. The lows are so excruciating at times that nothing can prepare you for that feeling. At least you are searching out advice and help before letting this begin, which is a start in the right direction toward the other way.

 

Thank you.

[Harmony2015]

Seems like your holding it together fairly well. Be proud of yourself for not going on the deep end with Mr. Unavailable. Keep at it and strong.

[Josmatjes]

Flirting is fine but you will regret if it goes further...if you get down when he is too busy, imagine how you will feel after you sleep with him....

Steer clear..... Affairs are awful!!

[beach]

You aren't trying to ignore it and that's why it continues.

 

You know how to shut it down? Report him to HR. That's how to end it.

 

Or just get a new job.

 

You are in for a huge world of hurt if you continue with him. He waited like a predator until you were vulnerable - and now you are his prey.

 

It only stops when YOU take the action to stop it.

 

Otherwise know that you are his secret and not to move out of your place he puts you in (which is designed for him to never get caught).

 

Have you had sex with him yet?

[Broom]

You aren't trying to ignore it and that's why it continues.

 

You know how to shut it down? Report him to HR. That's how to end it.

 

Or just get a new job.

 

You are in for a huge world of hurt if you continue with him. He waited like a predator until you were vulnerable - and now you are his prey.

 

It only stops when YOU take the action to stop it.

 

Otherwise know that you are his secret and not to move out of your place he puts you in (which is designed for him to never get caught).

 

Have you had sex with him yet?

 

No, I have not had sex with him yet. There have been opportunities to do so, which were initiated by him. I did not follow through on either, but that hasn't stopped him from continuing to try.

 

I admit that the flirting between us and tension does breed the atmosphere, but I know that I would never follow through...at least not right now.

 

For now, we only talk when he initiates it. And I leave him alone.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Yes, he has more clout than I do and could make things HELL for me. I am worried that if I damage his ego with just a bold rejection, he would never forgive me and I'm not in the position to switch jobs so quickly.

 

You seem to have a pretty good bead on what's going on here. This is a form of entertainment to this guy. He's (IMO) being disrespectful to you. You also seem to get that he is ego driven. Sooo... You turn it into yourself! I just feel that we are being disrespectful to your wife, it makes me feel cheap when you say those things... He needs not to "trust" you not to wig out on him. Like maybe you're too emotional or whatever.

 

And do yourself a favor, don't go down this road, NOTHING good will come from it. You sound much too smart and self aware for this nonsense.

[Broom]

You seem to have a pretty good bead on what's going on here. This is a form of entertainment to this guy. He's (IMO) being disrespectful to you. You also seem to get that he is ego driven. Sooo... You turn it into yourself! I just feel that we are being disrespectful to your wife, it makes me feel cheap when you say those things... He needs not to "trust" you not to wig out on him. Like maybe you're too emotional or whatever.

 

And do yourself a favor, don't go down this road, NOTHING good will come from it. You sound much too smart and self aware for this nonsense.

 

 

Definitely. His communication and focus on me seems to increase around the times he is available. It's centered around convenience for him...and only him.

 

He'd like for me to be available if/when he wants it, whether it be for chatting or something more. And I just feel like it's very one-sided. For instance, I do not feel confident I could guarantee a response or interaction if I initiated it during a busy time for him.

 

And that has shown by the way he can blow hot/cold. Only paying attention or engaging me when his interest or lust or desires are peaking.

 

I admit that I do like the flirting and talking to him makes my day more exciting. I'm bored to tears without him, which has a large part to do with how I got into this in the first place.

 

I get a strong sense that:

 

1. He'd likely drop me COLD if he got the chance/opportunity with something better, and probably pretend it never happened. This would be the most damaging to my already frail self-esteem.

 

2. He'd tell a particular close co-worker that he is known to be BFF with to brag/boast. The thought of him bragging to this person about me as a conquest and achievement for his own personal self-esteem at the expense of my reputation just makes my stomach turn.

 

3. He'd change after the first time we had sex. Why not? We've already crossed the line and he'll think he "has" me. Probably would shift the dynamic more to just ALL about him (sex) and would eliminate anything else. If I were unwilling to continue to put out, it would be over. Not really sure I want to be in a position where I am pressured in order to maintain his attention or other marginal benefits.

[beach]

Why don't you get a new job?

[Broom]

Why don't you get a new job?

 

I can't get a new job because of a number of circumstances. It's not really an option for at least another year.

[GoldieLox]

Definitely. His communication and focus on me seems to increase around the times he is available. It's centered around convenience for him...and only him.

 

He'd like for me to be available if/when he wants it, whether it be for chatting or something more. And I just feel like it's very one-sided. For instance, I do not feel confident I could guarantee a response or interaction if I initiated it during a busy time for him.

 

And that has shown by the way he can blow hot/cold. Only paying attention or engaging me when his interest or lust or desires are peaking.

 

I admit that I do like the flirting and talking to him makes my day more exciting. I'm bored to tears without him, which has a large part to do with how I got into this in the first place.

 

By flirting back with him, you may be validating to him that this is all okay to continue. End the flirting and only speak to him on professional topics.

 

By the rest of your statements, it seems he is only after you for one thing and one thing only. Believe me, I just allowed this to happen to myself for 8 months, and your post sounds exactly like the kind of MM I was involved with. Convenience. As one poster said, if you're worried about him making your life hell, report him to HR. They have to take you seriously, it's sexual harassment.

[Broom]

Yes, Goldie. It's all about convenience for him. Wanting me to shift my whole world to fit into the tiny little slot he has reserved for me. Only I did not fall for it and pulled back before he could fully manipulate me.

 

I'm 100% not in contact as much as possible. He has realized there's something different about me. Hasn't bothered to reach out and made it a point to acknowledge others near and all around me, while saying nothing to me or looking my way.

 

I think he knows that I am not interested in what he's offering. And his little ego is probably bruised from being rejected.

[GoldieLox]

 

I'm 100% not in contact as much as possible. He has realized there's something different about me. Hasn't bothered to reach out and made it a point to acknowledge others near and all around me, while saying nothing to me or looking my way.

 

He's playing games and trying to bait you. Don't take it. And I agree, his ego probably is bruised. Affairs are all about ego. Very rarely will you find one about actual love.