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To OW/OM. Do YOU want to be unfiended or/and blocked?


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How would you feel if your ex AP unfriend or block you. I know what the generic answer is. I like to know how you would deal with it and if it's something you really wish he or she would do. Would you like the control of making that choice? Caring about someone and wanting what's the best approach mean caring how that person feels and not how we think they should feel.

 

I might have to make that choice for the exAP. Phone is done so no more seeing each other online there. What's left is FB. I never wanted to and I don't know if I can. Why is it such a big deal? A few times we parted, she removed me. Not blocked just removed so we can't see the presence of each other anymore. At the time I didn't understand the purpose. After reading all the threads here, I know why she did it now. It was for herself and not against me. At the time I argued why would you keep people you barely know and remove me? I would be such a hypocrite if I unfriend her. Most importantly is the hurt I can inflict with that move. I have 1000's of friends and followers and to single her out seem harsh.

 

For two months, I watched how she struggled when she check on me. When it's too much, she would deactivate her account. It goes on and off many times. Sometimes she's around a couple of days and I felt good she's better, only to see her disappear again. She said before removing me was such a painful experience that she won't do it again though I've said many times that she can and I understand why. I already deactivated my account twice for her. The problem is my account is linked to many things like my website and the last time I left, I got floods of emails. I will gladly disappear from all my friends and followers for her if I can. Please don't tell me it's not my concern her well being and I should focus on my family. I'm... but there's no way I can just stop caring about her without time passing. I want her to make that choice so she can feel better about the process.

 

As the OW/OM, is it your wish? You want to be the one that finally make the move or just wait until it's all numb and none of that matters. Be honest. Obviously I check on her too or else I wouldn't know about all this. I have hurtful days but it's getting better with time. Thanks to this forum and the people where I can be distracted, channel my feelings and learn about situations of others.

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I "unfriended" MM. Didn't have to think too much about it. He never posted that much to FB, in fact, it was rare that he did; however, his W tagged him in family photos and such (started doing so prolifically), and this was when the A was in full swing. Of course, this showed up on my feed.

 

A small part of me felt hurt, but mostly, I was one big eye roll. I'm sure I could have just blocked him and left it at that, but I was in a mood.

 

Can't speak for anyone else. Social media isn't that big of a deal for me (I'm friends with a few of my exes, virtually and IRL), but for others, social media can be a painful reminder.

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You need to unfriend her as it's not your business what goes on in her life anymore and it'll be easier for you to move on, get over the hurt, pain and detach.

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I was never unfriendly as there were not accounts on that platfor. The way ex MM let me know it was over and he wasn't going through with the divorce that was drawn up and retainers paid on, was he completely went dark a few hours after telling me he loved me more than life itself, telling confessing to BS, asking her for a divorce and deciding to stay together all in the space of about 5 hours. I was blocked in every way possible. There wasn't even an "it's over" or "goodbye" tossed my way.

 

It's completely dehumanising, disrespectful and soul destroying.

 

To my opinion, communicating that's it's over, it's final and you want no more contact and you are blocking all means of further communication is the kind, humane way of executing on that if possible.

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The way ex MM let me know it was over and he wasn't going through with the divorce that was drawn up and retainers paid on, was he completely went dark a few hours after telling me he loved me more than life itself, telling confessing to BS, asking her for a divorce and deciding to stay together all in the space of about 5 hours. I was blocked in every way possible. There wasn't even an "it's over" or "goodbye" tossed my way.

 

That is seriously messed up in every which way.

 

I don't know what goes on in someone's head when they do that; to me, it's unconscionable to go from such an extreme to another. Then again, once I make up my mind I'm going to do something, I do it. WTF is it with these people--? I'm sorry you were treated so poorly, NL. I really am. No one deserves that. :(

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That is seriously messed up in every which way.

 

I don't know what goes on in someone's head when they do that; to me, it's unconscionable to go from such an extreme to another. Then again, once I make up my mind I'm going to do something, I do it. WTF is it with these people--? I'm sorry you were treated so poorly, NL. I really am. No one deserves that. :(

 

Hi West End Girl, the nc I would have handled. He borrowed the money from my for the lawyer and I did the networth calculations to get them near an alimony

Responsibilities discussion.

 

Soul heart and mind all splintered.

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He borrowed the money from my for the lawyer and I did the networth calculations to get them near an alimony

Responsibilities discussion.

 

Jesus M. No wonder. He's in deep doo with the W AND he owes you money. Forget about blocking/unfriending on Fakebook; this has to be the most lily-livered thing I have read this year. Possibly in my life. This man's shame has to be eating him alive.

 

I am so sorry, hon.

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Forgive me if the point was already made but if its over how can you heal and move forward if you are giving her this much thought and tracing her online activity.

At this point you might as well resume the affair if your still that involved.

Leave her to handle her account as she likes but you've gotta let go.

Maybe deactivate your own account that way you aren't singling her out but taking active steps to go forward in your life. This isn't healthy right now for you.

When people end they expect to disengage and not interract.

Its whats expected and healthy, though painful thats what is decent.

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gettingstronger

My best guess is you're not nearly as relevant in her life as you think you are. It's probably the experience, not you as a person, she's struggling with.

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I unfriended xMM because his kids found out about us. They discovered tons of private messages between us on fb. I unfriended him out of respect to his kids. But before I unfriended him, I let him know I was going to do it and why I did it. For me, it felt like cutting off my arm. I cried my heart out when I did it.

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I don't have social media at the moment, but if I am being honest, I would be hurt and feel slighted if exMM blocked or unfriended me a few days/weeks/months after NC. I know it is best for NC, but I feel like I should be the one to do it first. It would feel like a slap in the face and leave me with lots of questions as a single OW. Like insult upon injury. If it were decided on together, or done at the same time, I think I would fine with it and it would be best for all involved.

 

In your case, I think it is important to do for YOUR healing, and will eventually be good for her as well. But I think in the short term, it is possible that it might be very upsetting for her. That is not to say that you shouldn't do it.

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If there is a serious intention to go NC it is best if both parties block all means of contact.

 

What's the big deal if you never intend to see him/her again?

 

Poppy.

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It's completely dehumanising, disrespectful and soul destroying.

 

it is.

 

i always say - going no contact as a way of breaking up is the worst and most cruel way to leave someone. it does a great damage to the person and you're left without so much as a "BYE!" to lick your wounds.

 

he's worthless as a human being and there is not a chance in hell that he is or will be happy - let that be your comfort.

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Assuming there is no Dday, I think not only should the MM let the OW decide to do any blocking, he should also let her be the one to end the A. He should not announce that he's letting her do it though. Let her have some dignity.

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MuddyFootprints

Any continued association will create an illusion of false hope.

 

I'd rather be blocked than exist on a wisp of wishful thinking and breadcrumbs.

 

Besides, any connection is not marriage friendly.

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My ex MM does not have any social media accounts and only a professional networking one - I disconnected with him on that as I don't need a constant reminder of him by seeing his picture, his million endorsements of my credentials on my page, as well as other updates. It wasn't against him or anything, but purely for my self preservation and healing. I don't know that as a guy he gives that much thought to these things. I am sure he's noticed but he's not said anything to me. Either way, out of sight and out of mind is what works for me. I deleted his phone number as well but have not blocked him. Honestly, if something goes really wrong for him or there's a career related matter and he needs to reach out, I will be there for him and that's not just applicable to him as I would do that for most people.

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wanderingxsoulz

I removed/unfollowed him everywhere but I didn't block. I still check up on him occasionally but upset myself when I do that. He has both a personal profile and a public page. Honestly it's for the best to go completely NC and that includes social media. As long the connection is not broken, even a cyber one, you will never move on.

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I removed/unfollowed him everywhere but I didn't block. I still check up on him occasionally but upset myself when I do that. He has both a personal profile and a public page. Honestly it's for the best to go completely NC and that includes social media. As long the connection is not broken, even a cyber one, you will never move on.

 

Maybe in the case of you moving forward it is the reality check of seeing him online that will be a gentle reminder and reality check to do the same.

Op in your case the online stalking you've done should allow u to see...she wants to..and is trying desperately to move on by continuously deleting her account. Why dont you gently help her to do so and allow yourself to heal and move on by taking the bold step of deactivation of your account.

Wouldn't it feel awesome to finally close this chapter and help both of you FINALLY just let go since you can NEVER be together?!? Be the strong one and Do that.

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My best guess is you're not nearly as relevant in her life as you think you are. It's probably the experience, not you as a person, she's struggling with.

 

I find this highly unlikely having followed Dylon's postings. It appears that the OW cared/cares deeply for him, and as Dylon is posting on Thanksgiving about his XOW--he still has an attachment as well.

 

Take care of yourself Dylon.

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Thank you everyone for your replies and your stories.

 

I decided to take the middle road last night and went in with the intention to deactivate my account. She reactivated her account. I was no longer her friend. She removed half her friends along with me.

 

Now for the bad part. I was flooded with emotions of all kind. I broke down with sadness, relief, guilt, and all. I wrote her a closure letter! Closure letters is not new and we both have done it many times. This last time, the longest no contact, there wasn't one because it was well understood and with each passing day and my behavior, it was clear.

 

Now I'm scared to death! In all our time, I never broke NC when we gave it a try. Over the last month reading a lot of stories here, I understood better her feelings. I thought a closure letter could help. Some women here really needed that. I constructed the letter with no need to reply. I addressed a lot of things (could be bad) that I gathered from OW here. While I always apologized throughout our time in the EA for my part, I did it with more understanding from gathering the thoughts of many of you here. I also gave her encouraging words relating to problems in her life that she struggles with. I gave her words that I have always cherish her in all regards, spurred on by many OW who felt used. Let just say it's like someone to say me, write to your AP a closure letter but first read about how women in her situation feels. Could be a huge mistake :(. If she doesn't reply, it brings closure. Now I feel very anxious after my letter. I haven't heard from her since last night so my nerve is calming a bit.

 

I learned that time alone in a EA builds hope. No promises needed. No lies needed. All was needed is that I was willing to be in an A and that alone is so damaging to a woman.

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Thank you everyone for your replies and your stories.

 

I decided to take the middle road last night and went in with the intention to deactivate my account. She reactivated her account. I was no longer her friend. She removed half her friends along with me.

 

Now for the bad part. I was flooded with emotions of all kind. I broke down with sadness, relief, guilt, and all. I wrote her a closure letter! Closure letters is not new and we both have done it many times. This last time, the longest no contact, there wasn't one because it was well understood and with each passing day and my behavior, it was clear.

 

Now I'm scared to death! In all our time, I never broke NC when we gave it a try. Over the last month reading a lot of stories here, I understood better her feelings. I thought a closure letter could help. Some women here really needed that. I constructed the letter with no need to reply. I addressed a lot of things (could be bad) that I gathered from OW here. While I always apologized throughout our time in the EA for my part, I did it with more understanding from gathering the thoughts of many of you here. I also gave her encouraging words relating to problems in her life that she struggles with. I gave her words that I have always cherish her in all regards, spurred on by many OW who felt used. Let just say it's like someone to say me, write to your AP a closure letter but first read about how women in her situation feels. Could be a huge mistake :(. If she doesn't reply, it brings closure. Now I feel very anxious after my letter. I haven't heard from her since last night so my nerve is calming a bit.

 

I learned that time alone in a EA builds hope. No promises needed. No lies needed. All was needed is that I was willing to be in an A and that alone is so damaging to a woman.

 

 

I can relate to your strong feelings in this situation. IMO, it's the symbolism behind the actions that has sent you reeling. In my case, I felt the same way after upgrading my mobile phone. Even though all the information was removed long before, the old phone was our primary medium of communication. When I got rid of the it, the action was symbolic and after a week I felt even better than I did before I got the new phone.

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Dylon, this is the first time you have broken NC first. That makes you vunerable, closure letter or not. Maybe reaching out like you did to her has made you feel vunerable for the first time-- having control and being the stronger, decisive one in the affair gave you a level of power that she did not have. I am not saying you enjoyed that--it just may of been the dynamics. You also saw XAP has resurfaced on social media, removing people (including you). Lotsa emotions to deal with.

 

Since you had mentioned your Social media is important for your business, I would not deactivate one that has thousands of contacts.

 

I admire your honesty in your postings on this forum. One can sense your eagerness to 'do right by your family' but alongside that your pain is evident. Doing the 'right' thing is not always easy.

 

Take care of yourself.

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I can relate to your strong feelings in this situation. IMO, it's the symbolism behind the actions that has sent you reeling. In my case, I felt the same way after upgrading my mobile phone. Even though all the information was removed long before, the old phone was our primary medium of communication. When I got rid of the it, the action was symbolic and after a week I felt even better than I did before I got the new phone.

 

I agree with your analysis.

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Dylon, this is the first time you have broken NC first. That makes you vunerable, closure letter or not. Maybe reaching out like you did to her has made you feel vunerable for the first time-- having control and being the stronger, decisive one in the affair gave you a level of power that she did not have. I am not saying you enjoyed that--it just may of been the dynamics. You also saw XAP has resurfaced on social media, removing people (including you). Lotsa emotions to deal with.

 

Since you had mentioned your Social media is important for your business, I would not deactivate one that has thousands of contacts.

 

I admire your honesty in your postings on this forum. One can sense your eagerness to 'do right by your family' but alongside that your pain is evident. Doing the 'right' thing is not always easy.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Thanks for your words. Very kind of you. I agree you.

 

So.....I really messed up. It was a bad idea to write that message. I always advise people that you can't end in peace. I didn't listen to myself and got weak like you said. She did reply with anger, a way to keep her pride, which is normal for her, and went on that I've left her for two months to deal with the hurt and her problems with no one to go for support. It was long and it was hard to not reply. I tried to exit the conversation but it wouldn't stop. It was hard. I really care in reality and was hurt by her hurt. I felt guilty just stopping. She shared her problems, I listened and replied. She calmed and soon seems almost like she read more and more in my present as I wanted something. Soon it was an all day conversation. I was clear that I wasn't intended to keep talking and tried to exit with best wishes. I couldn't. It's back to those endless back and forth about how I don't make it well between "us" and she always made all the effort to save us. She asked me why I'm not trying today to make things well. I told her I can't. I'm a mess. I shouldn't come, I said. It was a mistake. Oddly, her mother blamed her for getting me into an emotional guilt mess. I said goodnight to her and wish her well. She hasn't been sleeping well and under lots of stress. I feel like a mess too after talking to her. I will deactivate my social media account now. What a day. It brought all the hurt back.

 

Thanks gang for your words. It really helped. She has her mother and friends to help her get through. I have the people here. Oddly, I rather talk to her mother. She seems to be more understanding of the affair than she is. She blames her daughter for getting me into a mess with her. She knows her well. She knows that her daughter has this incredible drive and very persistent with her wants and desires. Very stubborn. Incredibly overconfidence in her abilities. Read way too much into everything to her advantage.

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