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Your Moments of Realization


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There have been so many moments of realization in my R with a MM. Small ones, big ones. But I think that acknowledging them (and journaling about them) have helped me move toward the impossibility of a LT relationship with MM, sometimes gently and gradually. Other times, I feel as though I have taken a big step toward realizing that this is not destined to last.

 

One of my bigger moments of truth happened about a month ago. MM and I were supposed to go to the same social event-- a popular ballet. It was a huge event, obviously, with lots of people. I texted him to let him know that I was thinking about going to see it with a friend, and he texted back that his family would be there, in addition to himself.

 

The possibility of he and I even running into each other was pretty small, given the size of the venue. But that he was so paranoid that his W and kids would see me either going in or out spoke volumes. I ended up not going--I really didn't want to anymore. That text was like getting doused in the face with ice water, a reminder that he was trying to protect his a$$. In effect, he was basically saying, "I'd appreciate it if you'd reconsider not going," even though he claimed that wasn't true.

 

What were some of your moments of realization, and what did you learn from them?

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I gotta say, I don't see how you took it that he was paranoid to run into you. All he said was "My family and I will be there" AND this was through text, which is hard to read between the lines to begin with.

 

It sounds to me like you were the one being paranoid about your place in his life and reflected it off on a text.

 

I mean, I suppose he could have meant it the way you interpreted it, and it's probably best that you take it that way, anyway, but it sounds like a leap to me.

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Hi Westend Girl, I'm glad that you're going back over your journals to reassess the reality of your situation; hindsight can give great clarity.

 

I dont think you misconstrued his text, looked at on its own it may appear benign but in the context of your history with this man becomes another indicator that this is not a healthy relationship for you. At the very least your reaction to it should show you that, in fact not in the very least, it's you that you should be listening to the most. Protect yourself, you deserve better.

 

Didn't this guy disappear on you then return with some lame excuse about being busy? Forget him, you wouldn't accept this behaviour from a single guy would you?

 

You don't need to live like this anymore, and it's evident you are starting to appreciate this. I hope that next time a big event like that comes round you're able to walk into it, with your head held high arm in arm with some great guy who appreciates you and can acknowledge your presence in his life.

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I dont think you misconstrued his text, looked at on its own it may appear benign but in the context of your history with this man becomes another indicator that this is not a healthy relationship for you. At the very least your reaction to it should show you that, in fact not in the very least, it's you that you should be listening to the most. Protect yourself, you deserve better.

 

(Before I forget to write this, I love your moniker!)

 

Yes ... it was the first time that I felt like I had something to be "ashamed" of. This is a man who relentlessly pursued me. Talked me into getting involved. Courted me hard and heavy. It took a long time for him to win me over. So to get that text was jarring. There were other small moments ... like the disappearing act. I am trying to emotionally distance myself from him by keeping myself occupied and going to social events with friends. I was asked out on a date recently, and I'm really considering giving that a whirl again. Because I really want to open my life up to other people and not keep fostering notions of me and MM one day being together, when I have already decided that the time has come and gone.

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I gotta say, I don't see how you took it that he was paranoid to run into you. All he said was "My family and I will be there" AND this was through text, which is hard to read between the lines to begin with.

 

It sounds to me like you were the one being paranoid about your place in his life and reflected it off on a text.

 

I mean, I suppose he could have meant it the way you interpreted it, and it's probably best that you take it that way, anyway, but it sounds like a leap to me.

 

From the lens of somebody not in an affair nor ever having been, he didn't want you there because he was with his family. That was a boundaries test and you failed. Ms. Faust is totally off the mark on this one.

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Most people eventually have the realization the person they're involved with in inherently a liar, and that's why it's so disturbing. People eventually wake up and their awesome MM/MW and they see them for who they are. It's quite painful for most people actually. Then again, some never snap out of it.

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Most people eventually have the realization the person they're involved with in inherently a liar, and that's why it's so disturbing. People eventually wake up and their awesome MM/MW and they see them for who they are. It's quite painful for most people actually. Then again, some never snap out of it.

 

It always amazes me.

Edited by CALOVELY
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These moments of "knowing" are so that any person takes action to take their power back instead of handing it all to another person.

 

What action can you do to take back your power?

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Most people eventually have the realization the person they're involved with in inherently a liar, and that's why it's so disturbing. People eventually wake up and their awesome MM/MW and they see them for who they are. It's quite painful for most people actually. Then again, some never snap out of it.

 

It's not just the deceit, although that's a huge factor.

 

I cannot conceive of continuing to live disingenuously for the rest of my life. I haven't always been up to par on that accord, but I think I made things right, or at least fair, by exiting a R or a M whenever my complete heart wasn't in it.

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Gloria_Smellons
There have been so many moments of realization in my R with a MM....

 

What were some of your moments of realization, and what did you learn from them?

 

Actually, and maybe I have this backwards.. but my realisation was about ME and not about MM or my relationship with him.

 

There was no 'big reveal', more just a gradual awakening within myself that I wanted more.

 

He left our last tryst in a mood about something, and rather than wanting to make it better, I just... couldn't be bothered to care anymore. That sounds awful, I didn't/don't wish bad things on him, but I was just so damn tired of it all. For him it was like all the best parts of being in a relationship, for me it felt like all the 5hitty parts.

 

I wanted the opportunity to look for more with an open heart and mind - I knew I couldn't do that with MM filling up my heartspace and headspace.

 

I wanted honesty, with myself and everyone around me, and I wanted to give myself a chance to at least TRY to find what I wanted. Knowing that even if it didn't work and I never met anyone ever again, I gave it my best shot. Still a selfishness on my part, but a different kind I suppose.

 

Sorry, this turned into a bit of a jumbled mess. Self realisation is hard.

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It's not just the deceit, although that's a huge factor.

 

I cannot conceive of continuing to live disingenuously for the rest of my life. I haven't always been up to par on that accord, but I think I made things right, or at least fair, by exiting a R or a M whenever my complete heart wasn't in it.

I remember reading a really sad post on another affair board from an OW who had been with her MM for 19 years, patiently waiting for their happily ever after. I think they began their affair in their 40's.

 

The guy eventually hit retirement age and retired. He also retired HER.

 

The 'plan' had always been that they would eventually be together after the kids graduated high school and went to college. Then it became when they graduated college. Then it became when they were safely married off. Then it became "I can't lose my grandkids."

 

It was always something.

 

When he retired, he told her he was just too old and too tired to start all over and just wanted to be in peace.

 

And that was her reward for patiently waiting 19 years for a lying cheater.

 

I truly hope it's NOT your intention to live this way for the rest of your life. In the end, the only purpose this woman served was to make HIS life richer.

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Your life and where you go is up to you. You need not have said anything and just gone there.... I mean he didn't bother telling you he was going until you brought it up did he?

 

Take the control back and go where you want to.

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He left our last tryst in a mood about something, and rather than wanting to make it better, I just... couldn't be bothered to care anymore. That sounds awful, I didn't/don't wish bad things on him, but I was just so damn tired of it all. For him it was like all the best parts of being in a relationship, for me it felt like all the 5hitty parts.

 

Why would you consider that selfishness? I think that it's fairly realistic that we want our partners to always be completely present and there for us. That's wanting a normal relationship, to my mind ...

 

But I know this feeling quite well. All of those other small moments of realization -- too many to go into -- that made me think, "Why do I bother with this?" Taking time for a phone call or a text shouldn't be such a huge sacrifice on MM's part -- it never was on mine. "I couldn't get away." Yeah ... that was the problem. He shouldn't have had to. Get away, that is. It takes its toll on a person. And like you, I don't wish him ill, and I don't hate him, but he really needs to figure out the rest of his life. No one can do that for him but him.

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One of my moments of realization is when MM is traveling I hardly hear from him. We only communicate by email and it's usually in the morning and at night. It's sporadic when he travels and not as affectionate.

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There were too many throughout our 6 intense months together. He was MIA on weekends and evenings unless I took the initiative to plan something and then he'd make time, but he never took the initiative which got old fast so I went ahead and made fun plans with others and went on a few dates as well. In fact, when I started being less available, he got needier but I was done dropping everything and hanging out only when it was convenient for him. :) Lets see...what else? Oh, not spending the night together after sex made me feel like a whore and that was not fun.

The one big one was when I had a death in my family and he couldn't talk on the phone and texted me instead, which broke my heart. He couldve stepped out and called, come on! And finally, we took a vacation together (that I had planned and paid for!!) and he had to keep stepping away periodically to check in with the W. When we got back from the vacation, the fantasy bubble burst as he was talking about going back to school shopping with the wife and kids. That was my threshold limit and I had to break it off.

Edited by Lovetoohard
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My greatest realisation was that of all the parties affected by the A, I have the greatest freedom of manoeuvre. While MM and his W have multiple ties... I don't. I am completely free to perpetuate this circumstance, or not without any real coercive influence other than that which I allow. And if I do choose to do so... Then I need to accept the consequences. That's my choice and my responsibility.

 

That realisation forces the follow on considerations regarding values and value. What do I compromise vs what do I gain? Which in turn leads to a somewhat simple equation of is the value of this R at least proportionate to the cost n terms of the way in which I evaluate such things?

 

Then it becomes an obvious blame-free choice. I stay, or I go. On my terms.

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