13 Days NC - New Record! Let's start again.

[Ophelia25]

Okay, so I suppose we could say I "caved," though I'm not sure that's exactly right since he started NC and it wasn't really something I had planned on doing.

 

Because I felt from his rambling fairly incoherent message that HE was making the effort, unprompted, I wanted more than ever to agree to it. To me, this was so much more "real" than him just doing it because his wife freaked on him again, which has prompted our NC sessions in the past. This time, he didn't mention his wife, he didn't tell me how much he cared, or regretted it, or wanted me, or hated this. He said he was too busy, I was too much of a distraction, he needed to try again to disappear for awhile. As much as it hurt, I almost liked it better because I felt like maybe it would be the end as it was what HE wanted, and I suppose I felt kind of like a good person for going along with it and not making it harder for him with questions or pleading or needing explanations.

 

Yeah, it's all crap. But I'm no less unsure of what to do now. He was traveling this week, and sent me a few messages. They weren't full of details, but his wife saw some of our texts and became upset again. They were actually very innocent texts, as we have both been trying to hold back some, they were just ordinary conversation, not even flirtatious really. Maybe this was worse, as she asked him to stop talking to me because we were too involved in each other's daily lives. Shrug. Yep, she's right. We are. We both work at home amidst 8 or more hours of silence every day, and we have resorted to texting each other to break up the monotony. Should this be our spouse's job? Perhaps, but I think most people here know about the monotony of spouse texting - kids, groceries, bills. I've tried a few flirty fun sexty kinds of things with my husband. They generally fall flat.

 

Anyway, they say when NC ends you are right back where you started. I don't think I feel that way. He did send a few flirty texts, and I responded in kind, but I felt very different. Guarded, uncomfortable. Not sure what he wanted and what his intentions were. He suggested we meet in a few weeks as he will be traveling nearby. He said we could either "go down in flames, or go out with a bang," or maybe just have a few drinks and cuddle. As much as I want to see him, I haven't for about 3 years, I'm not sure even a non-physical meeting would be of any benefit (yes, yes, I realize that the people on here are mostly trying to extract themselves from affairs and will totally say it's a bad idea) to us. He seems to kind of view it as a "goodbye" sort of thing I guess, like a last fling before he commits himself to what she wants.

 

I don't think I want to be a last fling. I want to be a fun, sexy, diverting fantasy that softens the daily drudgery of middle-aged suburbian life for someone who doesn't get enough attention from the one who is supposed to be giving it. And I kind of want him to be that as well. But, I think it's pretty clear we can't be that. So I suppose that being nothing (i.e., continuing NC) is the next best thing. I have to decide what to do when he travels, because he drinks and gets lonely and wants me, if not to come visit, then at least to play with him virtually. Common sense, and even my emotions, say that's probably a terrible idea. But I also feel like even a little something is so much better than this silence.

[Gracie_1]

Ophelia25

 

Don't do it.. not online play nor hotel play. If you feel guarded and different now when he sends his flirty texts think of how you will feel when you "go out with a bang." He just wants one last ...k. And the fact that he said it up front puts it all on your shoulders. Nobody is that lonely. Find something else to do while he is hoping you will satisfy him one last time and let him find someone else to do. You are worth more than one last "bang."

[OneLov]

Anyway, they say when NC ends you are right back where you started. I don't think I feel that way. He did send a few flirty texts, and I responded in kind, but I felt very different. Guarded, uncomfortable. Not sure what he wanted and what his intentions were. He suggested we meet in a few weeks as he will be traveling nearby.

 

If you have not gone more than 13 days without communicating then you have never applied what most refer to as "No Contact" (NC). The fact that you have future plans to communicate disqualifies you as being in a state of NC despite not actually communicating everyday. I would suggest you are not "right back where you started," because you never stopped.

 

...before he commits himself to what she wants.

 

Remember, it is all about what she wants and his commitment to her.

 

I don't think I want to be a last fling. I want to be a fun' date=' sexy, diverting fantasy that softens the daily drudgery of middle-aged suburbian life for someone who doesn't get enough attention from the one who is supposed to be giving it. And I kind of want him to be that as well.[/b'] But, I think it's pretty clear we can't be that. So I suppose that being nothing (i.e., continuing NC) is the next best thing. I have to decide what to do when he travels, because he drinks and gets lonely and wants me, if not to come visit, then at least to play with him virtually. Common sense, and even my emotions, say that's probably a terrible idea. But I also feel like even a little something is so much better than this silence.

 

Remember, it is all about what she wants and his commitment to fulfill her desires.

 

OP,

 

Please remember No Contact is a choice and not a mandate. Most who observe it do so because they want to heal. After nearly losing their minds and themselves in the process, those who have successfully applied NC realize it is the only way to move forward.

 

NC may or may not be for you. You may not mind that he is committed to his wife and her wants and needs. It may not bother you that he could cut you off at any time without explanation. You have a choice to continue and a choice to not.

 

Those who have applied NC have made a choice for themselves. We choose not to continue living in agony and being victims of circumstances that we have absolutely no ability to control. We choose to walk away before we are thrown away. We choose us. You do not need to apply NC, but you must make a choice. I hope you choose you.

 

Best of Luck,

OneLov

[Lois_Griffin]

I want to be a fun, sexy, diverting fantasy that softens the daily drudgery of middle-aged suburbian life for someone who doesn't get enough attention from the one who is supposed to be giving it..

I'd take all that effort, ambition and drive and put it toward helping those who actually deserve it - like the animals in your local volunteer animal shelter.