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Give up or push through?


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Two years ago, I met a MM and started to develop feelings for him through work. As coworkers, our friendship grew and he eventually confided in me that things were horrible in his marriage and that he was going to leave his wife. He had no one to talk to and asked if we could meet up outside of work as friends. Although I was hesitant due to my crush on him, I felt there wasn't as much harm in meeting up because he was going to be single, plus I also needed someone to talk to about issues I had in my personal life at the time. He told me stories about how horrible his wife was, that he had been sleeping on the couch for years, that they were just together for the kids and that they both were wanting a separation. At the time, I was under the impression that they were separating very soon.

 

I would never have thought that I would be the kind of person who would become the OW... and a part of me let my guard down because he kept talking about how he was in the process of leaving her. However, two years later, he still has not left. I feel guilty, I feel betrayed, I feel angry, I feel sad. But the most horrible feeling of all is the love that I feel for him - because it makes it extremely difficult for me to leave him and pushes me to continue this torturous wait. We talk about moving in together, what kind of house we will buy, when we will get engaged, what our wedding theme will be, when we will have kids, what their names will be, etc. When we are together, we are extremely happy and perfect for each other in every way. He is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Yet, he is still married... not because he loves his W but because he is afraid of the effect that the divorce will have on his kids.

 

So by now you're thinking that "this girl needs to leave", or "he will never leave his W", or "this girl got what she deserved"... because I have thought all of those things lol So I tried to leave. I tried to tell him that if he didn't move out after this month/week then I was done. That I want to find someone who can give themselves to me 100%, that I can have a future with, that I can introduce to my family/friends (who I am so tired of lying to about being "single"), that I can actually go out in public with, that I don't have to worry about people finding out about, etc. Every time that we had this conversation, there was a promise made that he would move out at a certain time, but he never did because something always came up. I think that a lot of the time, yes, stuff came up that complicated his moving out situation. But I also wonder if he subconsciously wants to stay with his wife (assuming that he is not lying to me that he is trying so hard to leave her) - that he is jumping on the first reason that comes up for him to delay his move out? For instance, his family threatening to disown him and takings months to iron things out with them, no apartment being suitable enough for his kids so it took 50+ apartments over a year before he found one (the ones that he did like were taken when he called back about them), taking two months to move into his apartment once he had found one, etc.

 

I am finally at the point where he has found an apartment and moved most of his stuff into it (but not unpacked it and still has some things he needs to buy). He says he is moving out next weekend (which he has been saying for over a year - but this time there is a measurable progress which is that he has 90% of his stuff in the apartment and just isn't sleeping there yet). I feel that I can't back out now because I will always wonder "what if?", but I also want to prepare myself for if he does not leave... This weekend, I will find out whether I will have to break up with the man that I want to marry or whether I will get to spend the rest of my life with him. Two years is such a long time and I feel that I can hardly last another week in this situation. How can I set this up so that I can end the A if he does not leave? I have tried to give ultimatums in the past but just can't stick with them. But I just can't do this anymore... everyone from my friends, to my family, to my boss, to maybe even my cat (lol) have noticed a change in me. Seriously though - I am not myself anymore... I feel broken and I know that there are two ways for me to start healing from this - either to be with the man I love, or to let him go. How can I go through with my ultimatum? and how can I give up when we are finally so close to being together?

 

- Tired

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Two years ago, I met a MM and started to develop feelings for him through work. As coworkers, our friendship grew and he eventually confided in me that things were horrible in his marriage and that he was going to leave his wife. He had no one to talk to and asked if we could meet up outside of work as friends. Although I was hesitant due to my crush on him, I felt there wasn't as much harm in meeting up because he was going to be single, plus I also needed someone to talk to about issues I had in my personal life at the time. He told me stories about how horrible his wife was, that he had been sleeping on the couch for years, that they were just together for the kids and that they both were wanting a separation. At the time, I was under the impression that they were separating very soon.

 

I would never have thought that I would be the kind of person who would become the OW... and a part of me let my guard down because he kept talking about how he was in the process of leaving her. However, two years later, he still has not left. I feel guilty, I feel betrayed, I feel angry, I feel sad. But the most horrible feeling of all is the love that I feel for him - because it makes it extremely difficult for me to leave him and pushes me to continue this torturous wait. We talk about moving in together, what kind of house we will buy, when we will get engaged, what our wedding theme will be, when we will have kids, what their names will be, etc. When we are together, we are extremely happy and perfect for each other in every way. He is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Yet, he is still married... not because he loves his W but because he is afraid of the effect that the divorce will have on his kids.

 

So by now you're thinking that "this girl needs to leave", or "he will never leave his W", or "this girl got what she deserved"... because I have thought all of those things lol So I tried to leave. I tried to tell him that if he didn't move out after this month/week then I was done. That I want to find someone who can give themselves to me 100%, that I can have a future with, that I can introduce to my family/friends (who I am so tired of lying to about being "single"), that I can actually go out in public with, that I don't have to worry about people finding out about, etc. Every time that we had this conversation, there was a promise made that he would move out at a certain time, but he never did because something always came up. I think that a lot of the time, yes, stuff came up that complicated his moving out situation. But I also wonder if he subconsciously wants to stay with his wife (assuming that he is not lying to me that he is trying so hard to leave her) - that he is jumping on the first reason that comes up for him to delay his move out? For instance, his family threatening to disown him and takings months to iron things out with them, no apartment being suitable enough for his kids so it took 50+ apartments over a year before he found one (the ones that he did like were taken when he called back about them), taking two months to move into his apartment once he had found one, etc.

 

I am finally at the point where he has found an apartment and moved most of his stuff into it (but not unpacked it and still has some things he needs to buy). He says he is moving out next weekend (which he has been saying for over a year - but this time there is a measurable progress which is that he has 90% of his stuff in the apartment and just isn't sleeping there yet). I feel that I can't back out now because I will always wonder "what if?", but I also want to prepare myself for if he does not leave... This weekend, I will find out whether I will have to break up with the man that I want to marry or whether I will get to spend the rest of my life with him. Two years is such a long time and I feel that I can hardly last another week in this situation. How can I set this up so that I can end the A if he does not leave? I have tried to give ultimatums in the past but just can't stick with them. But I just can't do this anymore... everyone from my friends, to my family, to my boss, to maybe even my cat (lol) have noticed a change in me. Seriously though - I am not myself anymore... I feel broken and I know that there are two ways for me to start healing from this - either to be with the man I love, or to let him go. How can I go through with my ultimatum? and how can I give up when we are finally so close to being together?

 

- Tired

 

Darling - 5 years ago this was me. With the one major exception that my xmm never actually moved out. He made promises to me, sure. But he never acted on anything. There was always excuses. Fast forward to today. I've been through 7 years of hell, he still hasn't moved out, and I have to put up with him taking her to work events (and me not being able to go as a result) because her needs are more important than mine. All the while he claims he's "moving forward" with separation. It's all bulls$&t. As someone else on this forum has said, look at their conduct. If the conduct shows truth and honesty and movement toward a R with you, great. If it's just words, then I'm afraid that is all you will ever have. As to how you end your A if he doesn't follow through this weekend, look to my post. Think about my life. 7 years of limbo, and feeling completely worthless for believing the lies and letting myself be treated this way. It literally can go on forever like this if you let it - he has no reason to end it.

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How old are his kids?

 

2 years of an affair he stated from the get go he was unhappy and wanted to leave, and he still hasn't left. Filling up an apartment with furniture and clothes means nothing. All that does is give you hope and makes you wait for him.

 

Do you want another 2 years to go by? Can you see yourself hanging on and hoping?

 

He may or may not divorce but right now for sure he isn't going to because (excuse or not, like it or not) he is unwilling to uproot his children's lives and be the bad guy.

 

I'm sure he does love and care about you but he loves himself and his life as it is now much more. He has two women to meet all his needs!

 

Does his wife know of his affair with you?

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i'd suggest you opening up about the affair to your close people (friends or family) -- so in case that he doesn't move out, you can seek their comfort and support in going and staying NC. no contact is a point you gotta reach on your own. think about this entire situation -- you really want this man, that you literally had to beg & beat down in order for him to make some moves? also, him leaving his wife isn't any guarantee that you will, in fact, marry this dude & spend the rest of your life with him -- who on Earth knows if we're all going to live yet another day?

 

he's been jerking you around for far too long, remember that if he fails to move out. with that, go NC & use your close people and their support in order to mantain the NC & REFUSE to respond to any attempted contact by him until he is moved out and divorced.

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You just don't realize it, but he is not worth all this energy and effort. If I were you, I'd tell him to contact you when and if he ever divorces, and tell him that until then, to not contact you again. Then in your mind, consider it over for good and look towards the future with a man who you are not hanging onto by a thread.

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What you are describing to me sounds like sleight of hand and emotional abuse. The act of moving his stuff into the apartment is just that: An act. When people split; it is not a gradual process. He knows you won't leave after he fails to comes through this weekend. So why would he leave his wife? He has it made and is getting exactly what he wants. Seriously dump this guy.

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Even if he does somehow manage to actually start living in his apartment this weekend that won't magically make the problems go away. You will still catch him sleeping at home, he will want to spend Christmas at home, he will not want to introduce you to his family or to his kids, and at any point me may just move back home altogether. No man is worth this much stress and uncertainty. It shouldn't be this hard to get a man to choose you.

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Is there a separate chapter in The Cheaters Handbook that tells these guys to tell potential OW that their marriage is terrible? It seems as though 95% Of them use this line.

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They prey on nice people .. and paint a horrible pictures of how mistreated they are. It seems to be the case, almost all the time. If you don't know the wife, you cannot confirm any of it. Get out, NOW.

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Is there a separate chapter in The Cheaters Handbook that tells these guys to tell potential OW that their marriage is terrible? It seems as though 95% Of them use this line.

Yes, it's right next to the chapter that tells women it is ok to date a married guy if his marriage has problems.

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Tired66 - to get this thread back to a place that is helpful to you, take a look at BeautifulIdiot's "Will it Last" thread. (Sorry I don't know how to link.) There is a lot there that is applicable to you/us. In fact, I accidentally confused the two threads and thought I was posting to you at one point.

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  • 8 months later...
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I realized that I never replied to any messages in this thread and I thought I would provide an update on the situation in case anyone finds this one day.

 

Firstly, thank you to everyone who took the time to message me.

 

That weekend was not the end of the waiting game. It continued to be "one weekend" away... like 12 weekends later he told me he had finally left his wife. I was so excited to have the confirmation that he was serious about us.

 

We had been planning on making our relationship public 6 months after that day and so he said I could not visit his place yet (red flag). However, he told me where it was in order to gain my trust back. I decided to drive by it several times when I knew he was home and never saw his car there. I confronted him about it and was lied to again and again. I was finally tired of giving him chances and of being lied to. The truth was clear to me that day. I finally hit rock bottom. I realized that he would never leave his wife and I finally found the courage to leave him.

 

It has been a few months and he has tried to get back together, but I have managed to hold my ground. He says "this time is different", "I've learned my lesson", "I'm so close now". I have heard this all before... and for years. It used to be music to my ears and now it is like fingernails on a chalkboard.

 

To everyone in a similar situation, one day you could hit that breaking point, that point of no return. It makes it easier to let go. Do not wait for it though, because if you hit that point, it will mean that you waited WAY TOO LONG. Leave when it starts to get painful, don't wait until it gets intolerable. If he is the right man, you leaving will push him into action.

 

Give your man an ultimatum... no matter how close he says he is, or says his wife is doing the same, or how convincing his lies are... tell him you will NOT be in a relationship with him until he can take you out as a respectable woman. Best case scenario, he is serious about you and sorts his situation out immediately. Worst case scenario, he is not serious about trying things with you and you find that out immediately. It's a win-win and will save you a lot of heartache in the long run.

 

Best of luck xoxoxoxo

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lemondrop21

You sound strong, although I'm sure you have been through total hell. Sending you strong thoughts to keep moving in the right direction - away from this man who will never leave his wife. Frankly, if he ever did, at this point he doesn't deserve you after all he has put you through.

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It's easy

 

Put you and your goal first

 

Tell him you can't date a married man anymore because you want to date single men

 

Then do it

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Darling - 5 years ago this was me. With the one major exception that my xmm never actually moved out. He made promises to me, sure. But he never acted on anything. There was always excuses. Fast forward to today. I've been through 7 years of hell, he still hasn't moved out, and I have to put up with him taking her to work events (and me not being able to go as a result) because her needs are more important than mine. All the while he claims he's "moving forward" with separation. It's all bulls$&t. As someone else on this forum has said, look at their conduct. If the conduct shows truth and honesty and movement toward a R with you, great. If it's just words, then I'm afraid that is all you will ever have. As to how you end your A if he doesn't follow through this weekend, look to my post. Think about my life. 7 years of limbo, and feeling completely worthless for believing the lies and letting myself be treated this way. It literally can go on forever like this if you let it - he has no reason to end it.

 

Why are you not ending it? You don't have to put up with anything. Build a different life for yourself. It will be hard after being in an affair all that time, but well worth while.

 

Poppy.

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I think I'm learning that words mean nothing.

 

He can say "my marriage has been over awhile"

"We're separated but living together because of money/kids"

"We're in the process of divorce".

 

etc.

 

Maybe it just might be better to wait until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. I think that's the only way you'd know for sure.

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