EdibleWoman Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 I was the OW. Believed the mm that he loved me and wanted to be with me. Believed that his marriage was dead, and that is the only way I was able to justify my actions. I really, truly believed it all. Now with reality setting in I've gone NC, and I'm ripped apart. I need to just get through the day, and tomorrow will be another one. How did those of you who have done this get used to the idea of life without him? Get used to the idea of not texting and talking and sharing the stupid little things? Even though I've blocked all contact points, I keep checking my phone. When did I become so pathetic? Just need a ballpark as to how long recovery will take. Thanks to any responses. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 When did I become so pathetic? Just need a ballpark as to how long recovery will take. How long was the affair? The general rule of thumb is that it takes half-as-long as the relationship, so... Two years? = 1 year to heal. Six years? = 3 years to heal. Although I was in a turbulent 2 1/2 year relationship and it took a full two years for me to get over it, so everyone is different. Link to post Share on other sites
Gracie_1 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Many heartfelt prayers for you to help you thru the days ahead. Leaving or losing someone you love is difficult no matter what the circumstances. Please take comfort in knowing that as hard as walking away is; distance and time will bring a new perspective. Read the threads here and take comfort knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...you just won't see it right away. Lots of support here and also lots of anger from those that have been hurt by affairs. Sort thru it, take what helps you and keep moving forward. The farther your away, the better you feel. "Trust that an ending is followed by a beginning" 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EdibleWoman Posted November 15, 2015 Author Share Posted November 15, 2015 How long was the affair? The general rule of thumb is that it takes half-as-long as the relationship, so... Two years? = 1 year to heal. Six years? = 3 years to heal. Although I was in a turbulent 2 1/2 year relationship and it took a full two years for me to get over it, so everyone is different. A little over 7 years. I believe it will take that long, but I can't believe I've done this to myself. By the end I will have given this guy more than a decade. It's mind numbing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Wow, long time. I don't think there is a script for healing. When I finally went NC for good it took about 3 months to feel ok, 6 months to feel a lot better. You can be active in your healing. NC is a good start. You'll be in survival mode for a few days/weeks. Plan something good for yourself. The day after I cut things off completely I planned a trip to go see a friend 3 months out....gave me something to look toward. Reconnect with all the people you neglected while in the affair. I reached out to my friends and family and told them what happened. They had compassion, and it gives a level of accountability. People close to you are not going to want to see you get hurt again and will ride your butt if you start to "relapse" and debate resuming contact with exMM. Wish you the best. I'm glad you pulled the plug on it. Seven years is a long time, but a year from now, this will seem like a fuzzy memory. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 A little over 7 years. I believe it will take that long, but I can't believe I've done this to myself. By the end I will have given this guy more than a decade. It's mind numbing. I feel your pain too.....mine was 6 years, and I feel the same as when she went NC.....we were together for 1/2 of her current marriage.....it's amazing when your just moving along with no bumps in the road, at least that's how it's been for me until now.....no D-Day, but it still sucks and hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EdibleWoman Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 The thing that is hardest about NC right now is not being able to email him and tell him how much I am hurting, and ask him why the f$&k he did this to me. Why I was his chosen target. God there is so much that I want to scream at him right now. How he's destroyed my ability to live in the moment. How he's destroyed my hopes for future love. But in the end I know it is my fault. Karma, and all. I hate everything at the moment, but myself most of all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 A little over 7 years. I believe it will take that long, but I can't believe I've done this to myself. By the end I will have given this guy more than a decade. It's mind numbing. With this, as painful as it is right now, push yourself hard to work through the pain, the anger and go through all the stages of grieving. Allow your friends and family to help you, make you laugh and have your back during rougher times. Embrace your good days and allow the bad days to just hit you and accept them for what they are, bad days! Just know you WILL get through this but you need to be pro active and not give him power anymore over you. Don't constantly beat up on yourself either. You f'ed up by having an affair with a MM. You trusted the wrong type of man. Forgive yourself. Do counseling, journal your feelings, reach out here and to your friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 The thing that is hardest about NC right now is not being able to email him and tell him how much I am hurting, and ask him why the f$&k he did this to me. Why I was his chosen target. God there is so much that I want to scream at him right now. How he's destroyed my ability to live in the moment. How he's destroyed my hopes for future love. But in the end I know it is my fault. Karma, and all. I hate everything at the moment, but myself most of all. I'm gonna be blunt here. He doesn't want to hear about your pain. It would fall on deaf ears and just piss you off more. Some of this is your fault, it's good you are owning it - It's important to forgive yourself (said that in my other reply) and be kind to yourself too. DO NOT LET THIS MM ruin your future!! He's not worth it! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 He wanted to stay more than he wanted you....That sounds harsh but it's true. I have to say you hung around for a long time so it's not all his fault. He has become part of your life and it's difficult to get over any relationship of that length, especially when you don't really want to. Consider the rest of your life. Even if you never find another romantic relationship, you will have your peace of mind . I was in an A for many years, so I understand it can happen. Keep NC, Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EdibleWoman Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 So the other shoe to drop in this is that I work with him. Not just work with him - work down the hall from him in a close network of people. I am a single mom and can't just up and quit my job and/or move. And my job is not particularly transferable. I can't sleep knowing I'm going to have to see him tomorrow, and knowing that each day will be one step forward, two steps back because total NC is literally impossible for me. I also can't go to family and friends about it. Long story, but I actually did that years ago with some closest to me for support during a particularly awful time, and I lost some friends and others, including family, simply refuse to talk to me about it. I am on my own in this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 So the other shoe to drop in this is that I work with him. Not just work with him - work down the hall from him in a close network of people. I am a single mom and can't just up and quit my job and/or move. And my job is not particularly transferable. I can't sleep knowing I'm going to have to see him tomorrow, and knowing that each day will be one step forward, two steps back because total NC is literally impossible for me. I also can't go to family and friends about it. Long story, but I actually did that years ago with some closest to me for support during a particularly awful time, and I lost some friends and others, including family, simply refuse to talk to me about it. I am on my own in this one. You are not alone, at least not in the company here.....I'm in the same boat.....I'm literally right down the street from my MW, WAS going to be working together again (long story, but that got ****ed up too) but I still have to drive right by everyday, work in an industry that everybody knows everyone, in a place that she used to work before so everybody that knows her asks how she's doing....I feel your pain EW, I want to yell in her face the same thing!, why the **** me!..... I'll give support as best I can along with everyone else here.....hang in there, I'll try and do the same..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
make-this-stick Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Yikes! That recovery time is long. Hugs to you EW, that is a big chunk of time to have dedicated to this man. I'm in the early stages of recovery & NC, although I'm not sure that OM realizes this. I wouldn't wish a Dday on anyone, but the slow death of an A, and the temptation to reconnect is always there. The fix that is just waiting. We are both M & my MM refuses to say the end has come. Instead he says he still loves me but that work/family commitments make it so hard. Such a wimp, because all it feels like is that he's trying to keep that door open in case he has a change of heart, dangling me on a thread of hope. I hope you work through this. Don't give yourself big goals. Just get to the end of each day, allow yourself a set time to feel sad and keep busy. My current goal is go get to day 10. Luckily I'll be out of the country for his birthday and Thanksgiving so there will be no chance to use that excuse for contact. Be kind to yourself EW, baby steps forward.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 (edited) Keep the mantra "its over". Plan a trip then put a pic of some landmarks you will see at your desk. If you are a single Mom you already have a lot of strength and you can draw from that. Please know that thousands and thousands of women have been used and strung along and yes, we must own our part...but then we gotta move forward and grow from the heartache and let go for a better life. Your mistakes dont define you. Go for tea, breif walks, make to do lists, make fun after work plans even if its baking cookies or redecorating, any little thing to look forward to. I like to go to my car and play uplifting music and read this sight or positive quotes and have have alone time on my lunch break. Its healing and gets you away from the office to clear your mind and minimize contacts with him. Any small shred of peace or happiness I tried to build on it. Its gonna feel raw for awhile. Don't dwell there. Feel it...cry...then dry your tears and call a friend or walk or play some fun music or a funny movie. Right now just stay busy, stay up, steer clear of him in any way possible, keep thinking, it was another time, hes part of my past, hes a married coworker and Im free. He is stuck, you are free. Lastly I began yoga and got a tatoo. The pain of that literally did outweigh the pain of the break up plus he hated tatoos so it was a private Eff you to him. LOL Head high. Edited November 16, 2015 by privategal 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OWAmy Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 My involvement with a MM lasted 5yrs. Only the last 6 months saw me with my life on hold whilst I waited for him to decide whether he was staying or leaving his marriage. For the last 18 months (when I sent my original no contact email) there was no physical affair. I have gone no contact for the last couple of weeks but before I did I sent a huge email. I laid everything out on the table - what I was happy with, what I was not happy with. He has separated, now living on his own, papers for divorce filed. I have told him I am not going to contact him again but he can contact me as a single man ready to move forward. The first two weeks were hard. I have one good male friend who had a long term affair that I talk to over the phone at all hours. He is my support system and knows everything. He gives good solid advice and I can really trust him. Day 14 or so and you know what I feel a lot brighter. I think I make a fast recovery and the timescales that are mentioned above are way too long. I guess it depends how much work you do on yourself whilst you are involved. I never put my life on hold. The affair was sort of like giving myself space from a heavy relationship. We were long distant and that explains the length of time. Had I been in a full on affair, seeing him all the time then I am certain it would have burnt out in a matter of months. Maybe you will be like me and move on quickly, who knows :-)) Link to post Share on other sites
Author EdibleWoman Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 Lastly I began yoga and got a tatoo. The pain of that literally did outweigh the pain of the break up plus he hated tatoos so it was a private Eff you to him. LOL Head high. This is all so helpful but I especially love the above. I will need to think about something I can do that is similar that "takes myself back" so to speak. I am in the office and am trying not to cry. One foot in front of the other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 How long was the affair? The general rule of thumb is that it takes half-as-long as the relationship, so... Two years? = 1 year to heal. Six years? = 3 years to heal. Although I was in a turbulent 2 1/2 year relationship and it took a full two years for me to get over it, so everyone is different. Wow, those are scary estimates. As the MM, I think I will need that time it seems. At two months, I'm feeling more worst than at 1st month. To the OP, I'm sorry to hear of your pain. It saddens me to see how many people are hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 This is all so helpful but I especially love the above. I will need to think about something I can do that is similar that "takes myself back" so to speak. I am in the office and am trying not to cry. One foot in front of the other. I have been there. I used to work with my exMM and there were days where tye sound of his voice down the hallway or seeing him at meetings and stuff hurt so badly. I would walk the long way to avoid walking past his office and disengaged from coworkers to the extent possible so I wouldn't have to talk to him. Every time I saw him look at me made me long for him because I think he still had feelings for me. But, I kept reminding myself that i had made the right decision of breaking it off. I no longer work withhim but it's hard not to think of him and feel empty and sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EdibleWoman Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 You are not alone, at least not in the company here.....I'm in the same boat.....I'm literally right down the street from my MW, WAS going to be working together again (long story, but that got ****ed up too) but I still have to drive right by everyday, work in an industry that everybody knows everyone, in a place that she used to work before so everybody that knows her asks how she's doing....I feel your pain EW, I want to yell in her face the same thing!, why the **** me!..... I'll give support as best I can along with everyone else here.....hang in there, I'll try and do the same..... Thank you Out. I need the support. I survived today, and I feel stronger for surviving and not breaking into pieces. On the not so healthy side, all I wanted today was to see xmm and hear from him that he loved me and itemize for me all of the things he was doing to make us work. He has not done that in 7 years though, and he won't start now. I need to stop living in that fantasy. Tonight I need to give xmm zero head space and instead direct that energy to my child. Tomorrow is a new day. How about you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Thank you Out. I need the support. I survived today, and I feel stronger for surviving and not breaking into pieces. On the not so healthy side, all I wanted today was to see xmm and hear from him that he loved me and itemize for me all of the things he was doing to make us work. He has not done that in 7 years though, and he won't start now. I need to stop living in that fantasy. Tonight I need to give xmm zero head space and instead direct that energy to my child. Tomorrow is a new day. How about you? Well, funny you should ask....I have (had) a pattern of buying her expensive gifts....LV, Tiffany, Louboutin., Diamonds.....that sort of thing....before she went no contact, she sent me a pic of a pair of Louboutin heels that she liked.....I just mailed them to her today..... Yea, I know.....I'm grasping, crumb searching, looking for an answer that will satisfy me enough to either not end it, or help me too.....it's very hard because in the beginning she was the one chasing me!....I put her off for months before I couldn't anymore, she never asked for stuff like I would by her, but she loved all of it and it was so nice to see her reactions and appreciation with each gift....it became a way to show her how much I cared even in this ****ed up relationship....and now with the 180 switch, I was thinking maybe it would take her back one last time and maybe she would just talk to me.... Again....I know.....I'm ****ed.....I'm trying, really.....I think.....I just miss her so much, and I'm lonely not talking to her...... I wish I could tell you, "yea, it's all good just keep up the NC and in no time you'll be back to your old self".....I try to believe that, and I know it's true mostly, but DAMN.....if they don't ****ing change you!...... Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 EW, just so you know....I am about to lift some heavy weights and NOT think about her 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EdibleWoman Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 Well, funny you should ask....I have (had) a pattern of buying her expensive gifts....LV, Tiffany, Louboutin., Diamonds.....that sort of thing....before she went no contact, she sent me a pic of a pair of Louboutin heels that she liked.....I just mailed them to her today..... Yea, I know.....I'm grasping, crumb searching, looking for an answer that will satisfy me enough to either not end it, or help me too.....it's very hard because in the beginning she was the one chasing me!....I put her off for months before I couldn't anymore, she never asked for stuff like I would by her, but she loved all of it and it was so nice to see her reactions and appreciation with each gift....it became a way to show her how much I cared even in this ****ed up relationship....and now with the 180 switch, I was thinking maybe it would take her back one last time and maybe she would just talk to me.... Again....I know.....I'm ****ed.....I'm trying, really.....I think.....I just miss her so much, and I'm lonely not talking to her...... I wish I could tell you, "yea, it's all good just keep up the NC and in no time you'll be back to your old self".....I try to believe that, and I know it's true mostly, but DAMN.....if they don't ****ing change you!...... Ok stop buying her stuff RIGHT NOW. You don't want her to love you for the stuff you buy her, and frankly, many women would string you out a few more months for a new pair of Louboutins, diamonds, purse, etc. Sheesh. I don't consider myself materialistic at all, and I would be tempted. Just being honest. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 We were in an A for almost two years. But we were "old flames" from way back in the day -- on and off, for about five years. Very tumultuous times. I think, having been in an A before myself, I have a different perspective. Mine was an "exit" A, but had it not been? I'd probably still be at it today -- because of the path of least resistance. My MM pulled the "slow fade" on me, and I immediately knew what it was, and what that meant. Now he wants to be "friends". In my case, I think I've had a lot of time to get over the drama of this hot-cold relationship we have with each other. I've learned how to go cold myself, and adapt myself to his reality, which is that he's focused on other things -- family, kids, job. I have one advantage, an ace in the hole: I can move on and see other people, fall in love. I might not want to right now, but I can, anytime I choose. You can, too. Hang in there, EW. You have an open future; your MM does not. You're free; he is not. You have the advantage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Well, funny you should ask....I have (had) a pattern of buying her expensive gifts....LV, Tiffany, Louboutin., Diamonds.....that sort of thing....before she went no contact, she sent me a pic of a pair of Louboutin heels that she liked.....I just mailed them to her today..... SMH. I hope you are actively seeking therapy. In the meantime there is an interesting Sugar Baby thread in the sex forum... Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 EW, it was my last gift.....and even though Ms. Faust equates it to a "sugar daddy" approach, I assure you that that was far from the truth.....the stuff I got her she never asked for, we were together for 6 years....6 years of Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and such....she also bought me gifts too....we both work in Luxury retail so it's not like we are not around this stuff all the time....that said she was having a harder time explaining it all, so yea.....I didn't say it was a smart move, just being honest (in context that's ironic) and telling everyone here what's happening.... And no Ms. F, I'm not in therapy.....this place is it....and a close friend.....none of us have made very good decisions, myself included....I acknowledge that....but shaking your head at it doesn't do anything for me....I'm trying....making mistakes, but trying nonetheless...... It's just hard when your heart has been ripped out..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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