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If I could just go back and change that one moment😕...


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anyone else have that feeling? If I could just go back and make that one moment not happen.....? I'm new here, I've been reading through lots of posts trying to gain some insight into where to go next in my relationship. My story is similar to many I have read, I am a MW involved with MM.(We both have children) Our families have been very close friends(I have almost daily contact with him/whether I want to or not)for over 10 years, from my perspective the relationship started a little over a year and a half ago. For him, he had strong feelings for me for a many years but never acted on them as we were both married and friends. I knew he had feelings for me but always brushed them off because I NEVER thought I would be the type of woman to have an affair...ever. One night, after attending a party we both started a conversation about how difficult things had gotten in both of our marriages...it started as a friendly conversation but at the end I was very aware that he wanted more from me. From that night a gradual EA started, more as a supportive relationship, but over months became more and more intimate. Around the six month mark, we met one night and kissed...I began to feel massively guilty and confused and turned myself in to my husband and his wife.

Ended the relationship and started to move on...Our spouses were not happy but for the best of both families a peaceful resolution was reached and NC started.

Two months later MM reached out looking for closure and we were "off to the races", the physical aspect of our A became more and more intimate(and so did the EA, went from texting to talking on the phone for hours every day. There were two more month long periods of NC(mutually agreed upon because of fear of getting caught and ruining both marriages). Our last period of NC was about a year ago, he broke NC, he started talking about me being the love of his life...I fell hard, so hard, and it's taken over my every thought since. In August, my marriage took another bad turn(I constantly feel emotionally neglected by my husbands distractions(sports) outside the home and lack of emotional support in general(We've already gone through MC for same issues twice, it just happens again slowly over time). I seriously began to contemplate leaving and trying to do the right thing. I entered counseling to get help with the mess I had created for myself. MM has always been very considerate to me, respectful and patient all while I caused push/pull because of my total confusion over feeling totally in love with him but crushed with guilt over knowing this was all so wrong.

Things keep getting worse in my marriage and H and I are now existing separately but under the same roof. Parenting our kids it living in separate bedrooms.

So now things with MM get interesting, he knows how bad things are for me at home right now...but I start seeing a selfish, unthoughtful side of him that I never saw before, for months the calls and texts were at the same exact times of day, right on schedule, very sweet and emotional, confiding so many details of his life....he's suddenly so busy at work that he couldn't get a moment to call or email. I mention to him that if he wants to take a break he should be clear...he gets upset with me, says it kills him that I would second guess him or not trust him....but the past few days he's getting more and more distant. He's away overnight golfing and I had one brief message this morning, nothing after...I know once they leave the course and the drinking starts my email will start piling up...I want to be strong enough to just go NC...but I've let myself get so invested in his attention...I feel like I'm dying being ignored all day.

 

I know in my heart I should go NC but even the thought of letting him go makes me well up with tears, I can't believe I have let myself get so lost in this situation. I can not believe how hurt and lost I feel. I used to be such a strong woman. I'm a shell of who I was and I just want that moment back...the moment he "opened Pandora's box" if I had only known the pain I would be in.

I trusted everything he said, I trusted that my feelings were real...

I'm sorry this is so long. I just needed to get it out.

Any ideas?

I want to get peace back in my life.

Please, no mean spirited responses, I know what I'm doing is wrong, it doesn't make the emotions attached any less real.

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I am the OW now, but I have been in the shoes of the BS and also the WS. One thing I can tell you is this: you need to get your marriage sorted, apart and aside from the MM. He cannot be the reason you stay or you go; only you can decide that. From the perspective of a WS, I can only share how it affected me, which is to say I realized that my M had turned into such a dungheap that I was seeking solace in another, it was time to make a different life plan, which I did. It took me longer to figure this out, because me and my exH didn't have kids. If we'd have had kids, I would have been out of there in a nanosecond. I firmly believe in leading by example.

 

Do you see yourself with your H in the next 20 years? How 'bout the next 30 years? Do you see yourself married to the same man for the rest of your life—? If you don't, then my advice is to end your M now, and let everyone get on with their lives. If you do -- and you might -- attempt reparations, but know that it might not end up as you wish. As are very difficult to get past. Very difficult.

 

Now, to your MM: it sounds as though he's doing the same thing to you that my MM has done to me, which is to distance himself from the A. You can second-guess his behavior all you like, but it will do you no good. What you have to deal with is his behavior and how it affects you.

 

I hope that you, like me, reach a point where you get tired of the games and the push-pull of the A. I find that inordinately tedious, and lack patience for such things after a while. I know that everyone is different, and it might take you longer to figure out what your A means to you and this man.

 

Hang in there. But, first things first. My advice: figure out what to do about your own M first. Then worry about other things.

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Thank you Westendgirl, thank you. I really appreciate your thoughtful and experienced reply! My counselor has asked me to make at least a six month break from MM before making any permanent decisions about my M. When I even think about that, I panic. He has become my sole confidante. Right now, this day, is the longest I've gone without hearing from him in over 11 months. I don't understand how he could do this to me? I'm trying to act normal but I'm falling apart, it's been 8 hours since I've heard from him. Hope he's having fun?

While I'm reevaluating every decision I've made in the past 1 1/2 years...

Starting to wonder if this type of behavior is why his marriage is so bad???

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Glad to be of help! When I was positioned as a WS, I think my situation was different, because I was never in love with the OM. It was what it was, an exit A, and I can see that very clearly now. He was no longer in my life when I decided to end my own M. Which was as it should have been. So, I was able to make my personal decision using logic, not emotion.

 

I think that situations for a married person are complicated insofar that a lot of them see that there's something better, as a result of the A. Or at least something different. But you have to want that better and that different apart and aside from your relationship with this MM, and you must know where it will come from.

 

I know this is confusing right now. When emotions are involved, things always are ...

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He's grown tired of you. It was good until the excitement wore off. When you are having an affair you can't work on your own marriage and it dies. I'd bet money if you divorced and were free he'd drop you quickly if he hasn't already.

 

He'll probably be back from time to time for the sex but nothing else I doubt. Happens all the time. He's playing you for what he wants. He will not leave his wife for you. Ask him????

 

You're addicted to him at this point and can't see the damage you've done. Usually when in an affair you have to justify it so your husband and marriage become the hated part of your life.

 

Does your husband know what's going on?????

Edited by Marc878
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Thank you Westendgirl, thank you. I really appreciate your thoughtful and experienced reply! My counselor has asked me to make at least a six month break from MM before making any permanent decisions about my M. When I even think about that, I panic. He has become my sole confidante. Right now, this day, is the longest I've gone without hearing from him in over 11 months. I don't understand how he could do this to me? I'm trying to act normal but I'm falling apart, it's been 8 hours since I've heard from him. Hope he's having fun?

While I'm reevaluating every decision I've made in the past 1 1/2 years...

Starting to wonder if this type of behavior is why his marriage is so bad???

 

Look at you own marriage. Could this be the reason it died?

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Marc878 without being too explicit, let's just say the EA > PA in my situation. So I don't think he's using me for that. Call me naive, but I am totally heartbroken to think he got "tired of me". We've known each other for a very long time, he had plenty of day-to-day life experiences with me before A, and he was a man I genuinely trusted before any part of the A started. But I'm going to seriously take that into consideration. It hurts to think that...really hurts.

My marriage has been off way before A started, I never was a woman who

Would've gone looking for an A to fix that(went to MC twice). H knew about EA in beginning, worked on M for a little and the went back to same old patterns.

He's not aware now. I'm aware that's not a good thing. I'm not here looking for a moral lecture. I'm aware my actions are responsible for my situation. But I need to hear the good, the bad and the ugly from people who actually have fallen into this situation. What I'm learning is that, this junk can happen, even to the best of us. Thank you for your honesty with me though!!

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I'm not here looking for a moral lecture. I'm aware my actions are responsible for my situation. But I need to hear the good, the bad and the ugly from people who actually have fallen into this situation. What I'm learning is that, this junk can happen, even to the best of us. Thank you for your honesty with me though!!

 

No moral lectures here. There are those of us that know life isn't always the way you planned it; it can't be. Life changes us, sometimes on a fundamental basis. Sometimes it just is what it is. I could tell you that I regret my A (when married). I would also tell you that it took that to get my rump in high gear, otherwise I would have wasted several more years of my life and my ex's life.

 

I am not of the mind that marriages should be kept together, at all costs. It's very nice when they do, as long as both partners continue to love each other and want to be with each other. Sometimes they might not. I don't judge anyone that chooses to divorce.

 

This A will give you perspective, one way or another. Trust in that.

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You are correct it can happen to anyone. It very often happens with a friendship.

I've seen it with just a phone call.

 

What do you want? You can end up wasting a huge part of your life on something that will never work out.

 

In most cases the AP will never leave his wife. Have you asked him what your future is? You are a year and a half in.

 

You could have divorced and started your life over by now.

 

Your life will be what you make it.

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No moral lectures here. There are those of us that know life isn't always the way you planned it; it can't be. Life changes us, sometimes on a fundamental basis. Sometimes it just is what it is. I could tell you that I regret my A (when married). I would also tell you that it took that to get my rump in high gear, otherwise I would have wasted several more years of my life and my ex's life.

 

I am not of the mind that marriages should be kept together, at all costs. It's very nice when they do, as long as both partners continue to love each other and want to be with each other. Sometimes they might not. I don't judge anyone that chooses to divorce.

 

This A will give you perspective, one way or another. Trust in that.

 

Thank you again! We married very young, met in Junior High School. I'm spiritual and realistic... So, chicken or the egg? Was my M divine intervention or hormone driven?

 

I'm open to a little of both, but as a grown woman now, totally frustrated emotionally and intellectually, the excitement of the hormonal end has worn off. And I love our children, invest my life in them. But I have a brain and I need more than the minimal investment from H for the long haul.

 

Thank you WestEnd for your thought provoking replies!!

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You are correct it can happen to anyone. It very often happens with a friendship.

I've seen it with just a phone call.

 

What do you want? You can end up wasting a huge part of your life on something that will never work out.

 

In most cases the AP will never leave his wife. Have you asked him what your future is? You are a year and a half in.

 

You could have divorced and started your life over by now.

 

Your life will be what you make it.

 

Marc878, I have asked myself that question over and over...what do I really want? Out of all this suffering what am I learning? What do I really want?

Nothing huge, I'm a genuine, simple woman who wants to spend her adult life with a partner with similar interests, who thinks I'm the same for them.

As my kids get older, as I get wiser...I realize I don't really have that in my M.

My MM's M is in way worse shape(I believe), but I would never expect that of him right now. I understand how it would definitely harm the kids.

Marc, may I ask, have you been the MM or the BS? Interested in them mans perspective.

Thank you for your thoughtful input!

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Good question. First of all you're right women need/want the little things that count. Compliments, meaningful gifts that matter for no reason, touching (back rub, foot massage, etc).

 

Women are really smart about doing the little day to day things. Men on the other hand for the most part are dumb about these things and have to learn them over time. Men hear but very often they don't listen!

 

To get a mans attention you do have to understand them. Get their attention first. It's very often they think things are just great! When they are not. You almost have to use a 2X4 across the head. They don't take things in like a woman. Again, women are smarter about these things. Men not so much. They have to learn.

 

I was alway concentrating on work, trying to make sure we were prepared for the future. We think that our wives get this and don't need to explain. Wrong!

 

Just like women who think the man should know what she wants/needs. Wrong!

 

It's usually a communication gap on both sides that can be fixed but you do have to understand each other. Don't take for granted that one or the other actually gets it.

 

If you don't talk make time for each other it just dies and one or the other wanders. Sometimes it can be fixed other times it just needs to end. Only you know that.

 

Whatever you chose remember your life really is what you make it. It's hard but it's better that just taking what life gives you which most of the time is very little.

 

Not sure this helps but I wish the best for you it's a bad situation you're in and unfortunately you are the only one that can change it.

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I"m sorry for your pain. There are two different things. One is your unhappy marriage. The MM is more happy with his situation than you are with yours. Could it be that he fears you will leave your husband and it's why he's backing off?

 

You want only EA with him, it's only fulfilling what's missing in your own marriage. Believe me. I understand. I had an affair too for the same kind of connection. It's hard to back off. But it seems still raw with you, barely much NC time as passed. No one can really reason you to stop thinking of him at this point. I think it's impossible as you've seen other people in this situation in other threads, and that includes me. You are here for talking and dealing with the hurt with is great. It helps you from needing to reaching out to him at this moment. During this time, the best thing to do is to recognize your A for what it is. Don't lean all your energy thinking and focusing on it. Do your best to detach the best you can. Do other things. Read you, post here, talk to friends, keep busy. See how things will play out in the coming days, weeks, or months. Sometimes, certain things need to play out before you can turn around.

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May I ask if you are able to survive happily as an individual or do you need someone in your life to confirm you are valued? I know nothing of you. So zero judgment for your character. Objectively speaking and adult to adult... this dynamic can be resolved by ending it. Both with your marital spouse and the other man. You sound like you are in emotional turmoil .. did you volunteer or were you a victim of circumstance ? Answer that and maybe healing can commence...

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I hate that you're here. From what you've posted you are in limbo hell.

 

The MM is consuming all your thoughts/energy. You have nothing left for anyone at this time.

 

He's probably realizing that if you divorce he'll have to make a decision. This can't/won't last indefinitely.

 

You've become addicted with the distraction from your real life.

 

You somehow have to get control of your life back. It's yours not anyone elses.

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May I ask if you are able to survive happily as an individual or do you need someone in your life to confirm you are valued? I know nothing of you. So zero judgment for your character. Objectively speaking and adult to adult... this dynamic can be resolved by ending it. Both with your marital spouse and the other man. You sound like you are in emotional turmoil .. did you volunteer or were you a victim of circumstance ? Answer that and maybe healing can commence...

 

 

Bravo! This is so true.

 

Did life just happen. Do you have no control over your life? Such the victim. Take control of your life. Life very rarely just happens. You allow it. You were an active participant. Nope, you allow it.

Edited by Lurkeraspect
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You say your H knew of the EA but doesn't know it turned into a PA and is still on going?

 

You two went to counseling together, twice but the whole time were you truly invested in fixing your marriage or were you interested in the MM the whole time?

 

Take time away from BOTH men. Go on a little holiday, just you. A spa weekend and do some thinking about your life, what you want, who you want and go from there.

 

If you choose MM, come clean with your H, divorce and be the best co parents to your children. If you choose your H, the long term friendship with MM and his wife/kids must end completely.

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Your MM was so thoughtful and considerate, he became your confidante, your best friend. He was always there for you, and oh how you wished your spouse could be like him. He listened to you for hours, talking about all the things that your spouse had no interest in. Knowing he was going to text you or call you even made you not care if your spouse was there or not. I bet you were even glad when spouse said he was going to one of his sporting events or other distractions. Your time with MM then would be justified (hubby gone again) and uninterrupted.

 

When the guilt and/or fear of being caught by your spouses made you attempt NC the time apart only fueled the affair. That which one does not have always looks better. When you got back together the last time and he told you that he thought you were the love of his life and you fell hard, well he got what he wanted. You were his now, you no longer wanted your spouse. He provided emotional support for you as you went thru the push/pull of the relationship because even that was centered around you loving and needing him. And he liked it that way for awhile.

 

In August when you began pulling farther away from your spouse and the end of your marriage was more of a possibility he knew that he had get out. He does not want you "like that." He is too much of the "wonderful good guy" to do it blatantly. So he will do it slowly and insidiously, making you wonder and begin to question him about why things are changing. He knows exactly what he is doing. He wants out but he does not want to have you angry at him; that would wreck his image of always being there for you. He also doesn't want to draw attention to the relationship if possible from spouses. So MM will make you question everything he doesn't do now that he used to. The phone calls/messages will be more limited and concise, with big vast spaces where words and emotions used to be. By the time that you have finally asked if him if he wants to stop seeing you because you sense (know) that something has changed, he will turn it on you ... guaranteed. He won't be able to take your doubts about his feelings for you after all he has been thru with you ( because he is such a good guy).

 

And there is his perfect opening for the end of the relationship. He just can't give you what you need anymore. He still cares about you and wants you to be happy. ( Ya da ya da ya da) But he can't be with someone who has doubts about him, even if he put them there!! He is just to sensitive to have someone not trust him. ~ LOL poor guy

 

The relationship with MM needs to be shelved for you to get on with your REAL life. Maybe your marriage can't be fixed but walking away without the baggage and drama of this relationship will make your decisions much clearer. When you are free and alone if you choose to once again be with MM at least then you wont have to juggle marital strife also.

 

Great possibility that if/when you do get divorced the fact that he is not will make him a lot less appealing. And there is a great chance that he might already be "providing emotional support" to someone else in need by then. Good guy that he is....

 

Be strong..one day at a time

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if i may ask, what was done when you "turned yourself in?" what i mean is, what measures did your spouses take for this horrible situation NOT to continue, because it seems that both your spouses pretty much rugswept the whole thing and were wishing this away. without proper consequences for the both of you, this affair has just continued on it's way.

 

there should've been some exposure and stern decisions/actions taken. this is why your spouses continue to be betrayed by both of you. what's even worse is that fact that it seems that the two couple were "friends" of some kind... that is the worst kind of betrayal.

 

 

sorry, but your story isn't any different from the countless people who post here. i tell you this only to wake you up and take some responsibility for you actions. you, as with many here, are romanticizing this "relationship' because it is feeding you a need that you lack in your marriage. that being said, it's not your husbands fault you are being unfaithful- that's all on you.

Edited by Artie Lang
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I am the OW now, but I have been in the shoes of the BS and also the WS.

 

you're telling me that you've experienced the devastation of being betrayed, and yet you are happily inflicting the same heartbreak on another person??? this is some seriously some twisted sh*t.

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Thank you Westendgirl, thank you. I really appreciate your thoughtful and experienced reply! My counselor has asked me to make at least a six month break from MM before making any permanent decisions about my M. When I even think about that, I panic. He has become my sole confidante. Right now, this day, is the longest I've gone without hearing from him in over 11 months. I don't understand how he could do this to me? I'm trying to act normal but I'm falling apart, it's been 8 hours since I've heard from him. Hope he's having fun?

While I'm reevaluating every decision I've made in the past 1 1/2 years...

Starting to wonder if this type of behavior is why his marriage is so bad???

 

You're falling apart because you haven't heard from him in 8 hours? That just illustrates how sick and dysfunctional your attachment to him his. In healthy loving relationships a couple can easily go 8 hours without contact. They can remain secure in their knowledge that their partner loves them and that they will see each other when time permits. You are addicted to the attention. You might love him but mostly you are using him to fill a void that you need to learn how to fill yourself. Your affair isn't about love it's about codependency and dysfunction. You are each other's crutch but you are actually keeping each other sick.

 

You say you are a genuine person. Maybe you used to be but can you still say that and mean it? Don't genuine people lead authentic lives? You are lying to so many people how can you say you are genuine?

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Again thank you all. Wow! Some very good information to get myself thinking.

I heard from him, I knew I would, nothing crazy was going on, I should've just emailed him..I whipped myself into a frenzy. I know what he was thinking. He doesn't want to be adding to my confusion with what's going on with H. A little more communication in that would've been good...But that's what I'm asking for being in this A. I know that: ( there's more to what happened yesterday.

I'm not ready for NC. But at least I'm trying to start thinking rationally again. And yes, I am the kind of person who needs lots of other people in my life. I've never really considered that to be a bad thing though. Interesting. I'm pretty independent too though.

None of that's really important right now. What I'm wracking my brain over is the huge amount of emotional disaster at stake here. No matter what the outcome, someone is going to get very hurt. It paralyzes me that thought.

I really don't want to hurt my H, my kids. I really don't want to hurt AP.

Reading and writing here helps.

I knows it's a little late to ask this, but do you ever worry you'll be recognized by the details you share here?

Thank you all again

Ugh

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You're falling apart because you haven't heard from him in 8 hours? That just illustrates how sick and dysfunctional your attachment to him his. In healthy loving relationships a couple can easily go 8 hours without contact. They can remain secure in their knowledge that their partner loves them and that they will see each other when time permits. You are addicted to the attention. You might love him but mostly you are using him to fill a void that you need to learn how to fill yourself. Your affair isn't about love it's about codependency and dysfunction. You are each other's crutch but you are actually keeping each other sick.

 

You say you are a genuine person. Maybe you used to be but can you still say that and mean it? Don't genuine people lead authentic lives? You are lying to so many people how can you say you are genuine?

 

Ouch, but thank you.

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sorry, but your story isn't any different from the countless people who post here. i tell you this only to wake you up and take some responsibility for you actions. you, as with many here, are romanticizing this "relationship' because it is feeding you a need that you lack in your marriage. that being said, it's not your husbands fault you are being unfaithful- that's all on you.

 

I'm realizing how "sad and true" it is. I'm shocked at how similar many of the stories are. I'm not blaming my husband for my choices, I'm aware that they are wrong. Thank you for trying to give me a wake up call.

I guess that's what I'm doing here.

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OP,

 

What is your end goal here? What are you hoping to accomplish?

Are you trying to end your M or your A? Both?

 

Its clear you aren't in a good place....so where do you wish to be and how might you get there?

 

What's stopping you? Why put off to tomorrow what can be said or done today?

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