Onny Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Me (also married) and MM had a relationship of 2,5 years and then he wanted to break because of my insecurity issues. Then we continued a sort of FWB stuff – he was seeing only me, but wanting that kind of relationship without sex. He always said he still had feelings for me. Recently he started chasing a girl, he was sending her texts even when we were together but lately things between them became serious: he fell in love with her (he told me he is in love). After this, he stopped seeing me and when i insisted to meet or talk to him, he started being rude, telling me he doesnt care anymore about what I think about him, and if i want to be friends and have just light talk sometimes, ok, but he cant offer me anything else anymore. In past we met and talk everyday, now he is talking me once at few days...is enough for him to ask me via chat how I am doing but never asking to see me in person... Some days I ignored him completely but he reached me via messenger asking how I am or sometimes calling me for asking if I am ok. I don't know if he is playing the hard to get or not (he used to play the very busy lately when he started seeing that girl and he was lying a lot to me telling me they have tasks together). We are coworkers and we meet almost every day by chance.. so the NC is almost not working with me. How do you see this, do I have to move on? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Wait, aren't you married? Move on? Yes... Fix or end your primary relationship first = your marriage. That's what I would do if I were you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
schiller Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Strike one: You got involved with a married guy Strike two: You got involved with someone you work with. Things invariably got ugly and now you have forced contact with a person you'd be better off never contacting again. Do what you can to minimize it. Keep your conversations, emails, texts to "Business only". It's going to take longer to heal. Learn from it. No married or workplace guys. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Onny Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 Repairing my marriage is almost impossible. Me and MM were very in love and felt like we known since we were born. At least is what I felt... and what he said he felt. But now he is going on with that girl 17 years younger, as if I never existed. I don't know how it's best to behave... as I said, I don't write/call/whatever him anymore, is him to still do it. However, we are not involved in stuff together at work, so I have no business mails to send or something. I feel strange, like after all these years he seem to not give a damn.. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Don't you know why he is still talking to you? His new deal hasn't been cemented yet. So as long as you'll talk to him and have told him how madly in love you are with him, he knows he has a back up plan. If and when OW2 arrives at the same fantasy love location you are at, he'll probably lose your number. Sorry to be so blunt but this isn't going to end well. Inthinkmyoumhave bee and are being played by a player. Any prior history of affairs for him? If so, how did they end? Link to post Share on other sites
EmbraceTheChange Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Well, it just proves how easily this guy can fall in love. Maybe he loves being in love. It happens. Some people love the thrill of meeting somebody, getting to know somebody, "falling in love" with somebody (where they are with a perfect person and the person is perfect for them). And then when this is "gone" (i.e. they can see that the person is, well, human and has faults too), they then go for somebody else. They don't have the capacity for mature love. Not yet. Ok, so your ex-AP is "in love" with somebody else, and doesn't want to have anything to do with you, because you're in the way of his Great Love Affair (no.5). What are you going to do with your own great love affair? You know, your husband? Do you want to stay married to him, or divorce? If you say that it would be impossible to repair the marriage, why don't you start making plans to be single? It' only fair for both of you, right? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Repairing my marriage is almost impossible. Me and MM were very in love and felt like we known since we were born. At least is what I felt... and what he said he felt. But now he is going on with that girl 17 years younger, as if I never existed. I don't know how it's best to behave... as I said, I don't write/call/whatever him anymore, is him to still do it. However, we are not involved in stuff together at work, so I have no business mails to send or something. I feel strange, like after all these years he seem to not give a damn.. Unfortunately he probably told his new OW he felt like he knew her since birth...only words. He's a serial cheater...you cant wish, cry, or beg his love back...because it wasn't love...it was lust and infatuation and fantasy...all of those things are fleeting. Do you see this? Hes done. Theres no analyzing for you...he TOLD you flat out he didn't care and his actions were saying it before he said it straight out. Your heart wants to believe he is busy, doesnt care for the ow or his wife...but he said he is in LOVE. Enroll in therapy and exercise and self love STAT. his continued little messages are to keep you from getting to angry to not tell hisbwife or blow up his game at work or even keep the option of using you once or twice more when he can. He's disgusting and just treated you like week old trash. Toughen up girl. No more communication AT ALL. EVER. She will eventually leave him to or vice versa. You have a life to live. Keep your dignity. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 How do you see this, do I have to move on? under the current circumstances, do you really have to ask this question? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Repairing my marriage is almost impossible. Me and MM were very in love and felt like we known since we were born. At least is what I felt... and what he said he felt. But now he is going on with that girl 17 years younger, as if I never existed. I don't know how it's best to behave... as I said, I don't write/call/whatever him anymore, is him to still do it. However, we are not involved in stuff together at work, so I have no business mails to send or something. I feel strange, like after all these years he seem to not give a damn.. Then end your marriage. That way you can pursue a real relationship with an authentic commitment. You obviously can't have that in your marriage by cheating. Get professional help to find out why you cheated and how not to solve problems by adding in additional problems. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Onny Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 his continued little messages are to keep you from getting to angry to not tell hisbwife or blow up his game at work or even keep the option of using you once or twice more when he can. He really knows I will never tell his wife. I can't even tell his new girl about what kind of man is he... It's not me to do such things.. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 (edited) There is a whole culture of married people out there who look for other married people to have affairs with. When they are in these affairs, they both act like they are single (because it's a lot of fun) but with an unspoken "understanding"of you know what. This "understanding" goes more smoothly when they are both married. It also works when you've met on a site like AM. Then you can be a serial cheater and get all the drama and excitement of dating and forming new relationships without worry. Edited November 16, 2015 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Maybe he loves being in love. It happens. Some people love the thrill of meeting somebody, getting to know somebody, "falling in love" with somebody (where they are with a perfect person and the person is perfect for them). And then when this is "gone" (i.e. they can see that the person is, well, human and has faults too), they then go for somebody else. They don't have the capacity for mature love. Not yet. THIS! And I am sorry you fell for someone like this- best of luck in your healing- Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 You have just found out what this guy is made of and yet you're concerned about still talking to him and questioning if you should move on. The minute someone treats you in such a way, there should be no question in your mind as what to do -- extract this self-centered numbskull from your life and never speak to him again unless it's absolutely necessary. It doesn't matter how much it hurts. He has been lying to you, and he's a heartless child. The sooner you take him off his pedestal and realize that, the better off you'll be. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 This guy sees he has a chance to upgrade his affair partner by getting one 17 years younger, oh yeah, he's pleased with himself. Yes you had better move it along and start to heal. File for divorce and give yourself a chance to meet someone who you want and wants you. MMs new status is no reason to stay in a bad marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Onny Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 Thanks for advices... it's a weird situation now. We had a chat talk while I was looking on internet for a perfume, he asked me how I am and I said what I was doing. He said he wants to offer me that perfume, if I accept. I have read on the forums that a man never wants back an ex once he has dumped her. So why the heck he wants to make gifts if he doesn't want me anymore? He really doesn't give any sign he would keep me as an option - he is not willing to see me again. All times he offered something it was (he said) because he has some feelings and he wants me to have everything I want. Since we broke up from the relationship I have only question and all the time we tried to be just friends I adressed him the questions, his forever answer was that he still has some feelings for me. Since he is with the new girl, he hasn't allowed me to question him about anything, saying "I don't care if you have questions, believe what you want, keep opinions for yourself, I don't wanna justify anymore". I don't understand this behaviour. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Not one real mention of your poor husband. Why don't you divorce him and do him a favor 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Since he is with the new girl, he hasn't allowed me to question him about anything, saying "I don't care if you have questions, believe what you want, keep opinions for yourself, I don't wanna justify anymore". I don't understand this behaviour. Woooow. I had a friend who use to say "even an a**hole has someone who loves him". I think that applies in this situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Read what the betrayed wives say on the infidelity forum. That kind of push/pull cruelty/kindness is VERY common when a MM falls into the fog. Think about all the things he said about his wife whilst still 'treating' her to perfume etc. you're kind of in the wife position now but at least you know the truth. The new OW won't believe you...would you of believed his W when you were first 'in love' or had he convinced you that she was an evil, controlling nutter? Can you get a new job? It sounds like you need a LOT of new starts in your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Since he is with the new girl, he hasn't allowed me to question him about anything, saying "I don't care if you have questions, believe what you want, keep opinions for yourself, I don't wanna justify anymore". I don't understand this behaviour. Because it's none of your business. Why are you questioning him? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 (edited) Me (also married) and MM had a relationship of 2,5 years and then he wanted to break because of my insecurity issues. Then we continued a sort of FWB stuff – he was seeing only me, but wanting that kind of relationship without sex. He always said he still had feelings for me. Recently he started chasing a girl, he was sending her texts even when we were together but lately things between them became serious: he fell in love with her (he told me he is in love). After this, he stopped seeing me and when i insisted to meet or talk to him, he started being rude, telling me he doesnt care anymore about what I think about him, and if i want to be friends and have just light talk sometimes, ok, but he cant offer me anything else anymore. In past we met and talk everyday, now he is talking me once at few days...is enough for him to ask me via chat how I am doing but never asking to see me in person... Some days I ignored him completely but he reached me via messenger asking how I am or sometimes calling me for asking if I am ok. I don't know if he is playing the hard to get or not (he used to play the very busy lately when he started seeing that girl and he was lying a lot to me telling me they have tasks together). We are coworkers and we meet almost every day by chance.. so the NC is almost not working with me. How do you see this, do I have to move on? Yes you do. He's not playing hard to get. He's made it clear he no longer wants a relationship and is into someone else, so yes, as hard as it may be, you have to respect that and move on. You're not actually in NC though....it's one thing to talk to him at work if you HAVE to. But you mention he messages you sometimes and you respond and you talk every few days. This is not NC. NC would be you do not talk at all....i.e. no reaching out to him, no responding to his messages, avoiding social media stalking etc and limiting interactions to a need to basis for work. That would be true NC and might make a big difference in how quickly you start to detach and move on. I can't recommend NC enough. I have rarely met a soul who likes the idea and it's usually because they're not over the person, because when we truly are NC is natural and common sense. However, the hard part with much of NC is that we have to sometimes fake it til we make it and do it even though it's the last thing we want, but trust me, it eventually helps. Especially in cases where it is over, the other person has moved on or tells you you need to, it doesn't make any sense to continue torturing yourself hoping for more or lapping up crumbs under the guise of "friendship" or thinking a little of their time is better than none. It's a waste and slows you down in living your life.....also....re your own marriage: it's the elephant in the room here. But any plans to deal with that? That is also a good strategy. NC often works even better if you have other things towards which you can put your time, emotions, energy and thoughts, so maybe trying to deal with your marriage issues will help you to take your mind off MM and his business. Edited November 18, 2015 by MissBee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 The facts are he got what he wanted from you then it got old so he moved onto another which is what cheaters do. An old, old theme that always has the same ending. Got it now? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 i agree with Friskyone4u. why don't you divorce your husband... you said your marriage is irreparable? i mean seriously, why continue this charade? it's obvious you desire this other man's attention and not your husband's. seems to me, you want your husband as a backup in case your affair doesn't "pan out," which is what is happening at the moment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingxsoulz Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 Leave your husband, leave your job and leave him. You need a fresh start and you will never heal if you stay in any of these 3 things. He already told you he is in love with someone else. Forget about the past. He is a player and a cheat who will never change. He is just keeping you around in case things don't work out with his latest toy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 (edited) He just enjoys your attention only, but you can't have him. You've been demoted to 3rd in line. He likes having a harem. Edited November 18, 2015 by Popsicle 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Onny Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 It's a week since I started the NC. (he didn't contact me at all, though). Link to post Share on other sites
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