Update on my situation

[Josmatjes]

So, my husband moved out a little over two weeks ago. The day he left was very hard. I knew we were doing the right thing but it doesn't make it any easier. I think I cried pretty mich all day. My affair ended way over a year ago and he knows everything. We had a lot of problems back then and now a year later they Re still here. Nothing has changed. Still no intimacy at all. For those of you who don't understand this, let me tell you, no intimacy effects every aspect of your marrage. It's frustrating, and sad, it makes you question everything and then you become really bitter and angry.

We have been to three therapists and nothing has helped. My affair, even though I regret it, taught me that I deserve more in my life, and so does he. Anyway, I'm pretty sure we are headed for divorce because he still isn't seeing the big picture, and god knows I've tried everything. Sometimes we need to leave the life we planned, for the life that is waiting for us....

[Poppy47]

Follow your dream of finding somebody who will understand you and be in a fulfilling relationship with you.

 

I do understand about not having intimacy, although in my case it was an inevitable result of my late husband's Alzheimer's.

 

The fact that you had an affair must have tell you something.

 

Poppy.

[bathtub-row]

Decisions like that are hard to make but you made the right one. Him not getting it is a really bad sign. Find a normal person who wants a normal relationship.

[starglider]

Separation can be a great time for you to heal and grow. Stay physically active, organize your home the way you want to, cook good meals, and work on your core self. It can be liberating and uplifting. Good luck to you.

[Josmatjes]

Almost two months now separated.we get along better but he isn't interested in going out alone and he is waiting for me to get another therapist. He doesn't seem to want to change. The more I'm living alone the more I like it.i am a bit lonely at times but it's much worse to be lonely when you with someone...

[Southern Sun]

Hey Jos, I was wondering how you're doing. I'm glad to hear it's suiting you. I can imagine it is still tough at times though. Are you guys still just separated or is the divorce actually filed?

[Josmatjes]

Hey Jos, I was wondering how you're doing. I'm glad to hear it's suiting you. I can imagine it is still tough at times though. Are you guys still just separated or is the divorce actually filed?

 

Well with the holidays coming its hard enough so we are waiting to see what route we are taking. I dont want my kids to have a bad holiday because of our adult issues.We are both trying to be really amicable. I truly believe this doesn't have to be an awful experience. I'm not a nasty person and neither is he. I have friends who went through really nasty divorces and I refuse to do that. We even took our kids to see hunger games last week. They were happy even though they know the circumstances and we got along even though at times it is awkward. I'm still interviewing for jobs and I think I'll feel more secure in my decision once I have one.

[Krashi]

So, my husband moved out a little over two weeks ago. The day he left was very hard. I knew we were doing the right thing but it doesn't make it any easier. I think I cried pretty mich all day. My affair ended way over a year ago and he knows everything. We had a lot of problems back then and now a year later they Re still here. Nothing has changed. Still no intimacy at all. For those of you who don't understand this, let me tell you, no intimacy effects every aspect of your marrage. It's frustrating, and sad, it makes you question everything and then you become really bitter and angry.

We have been to three therapists and nothing has helped. My affair, even though I regret it, taught me that I deserve more in my life, and so does he. Anyway, I'm pretty sure we are headed for divorce because he still isn't seeing the big picture, and god knows I've tried everything. Sometimes we need to leave the life we planned, for the life that is waiting for us....[/QUOT

Once you cheat ,in response to marital issues, many BSs are unwilling to address pre-affair issues. Surely you must have known this when you made the decision to have an affair.

Very few marriages remain intact after an affair. Less than a year has gone by since discovery. What steps have you taken to help your H recover and why are you giving revovery such an abbreviated recovery period.

Surely, you have read on the 2_5 year minimum deal, eh?

[Southern Sun]

I think you can absolutely do it amicably...I have to think there is more of that than we hear. If half of all marriages end in divorce, we must really only hear about the horrible situations. There's a book called "The Good Divorce" you should read that addresses this. Make your kids a priority, do the right things, and you'll be good.

[whatatangledweb]

Are you still talking to MM ?

[whichwayisup]

Well with the holidays coming its hard enough so we are waiting to see what route we are taking. I dont want my kids to have a bad holiday because of our adult issues.We are both trying to be really amicable. I truly believe this doesn't have to be an awful experience. I'm not a nasty person and neither is he. I have friends who went through really nasty divorces and I refuse to do that. We even took our kids to see hunger games last week. They were happy even though they know the circumstances and we got along even though at times it is awkward. I'm still interviewing for jobs and I think I'll feel more secure in my decision once I have one.

 

You two can be on very good terms and even be friends as time goes on which will make you both great co parents to your kids.

[Krashi]

You two can be on very good terms and even be friends as time goes on which will make you both great co parents to your kids.

 

Good co-parents-yes. Friend seems like a longshot,IMO.

[Lady2163]

Lack of sex or lack of sexual compatibility always leads to other problems in a relationship. I really do believe it has to do with lack of intimacy as well. When people don't get the physical connection, they search for it elsewhere. This can be with another person, alcohol, drugs, gambling, hobbies or throwing yourself into work.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing. I guess the one thing I'd start doing is keeping track of what you spend on your kids. I've known way too many men who shirk child support payments. I've had too many female friends who spend 100% of their income just so they and the kids can survive, while the man fusses at 20% of income going to the children.

[Krashi]

Lack of sex or lack of sexual compatibility always leads to other problems in a relationship. I really do believe it has to do with lack of intimacy as well. When people don't get the physical connection, they search for it elsewhere. This can be with another person, alcohol, drugs, gambling, hobbies or throwing yourself into work.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing. I guess the one thing I'd start doing is keeping track of what you spend on your kids. I've known way too many men who shirk child support payments. I've had too many female friends who spend 100% of their income just so they and the kids can survive, while the man fusses at 20% of income going to the children.

 

 

There are a boatload of women spending the support on themselves vs the kids, as well.

[minimariah]

keep moving forward!

you're doing the right thing.

 

life took you in a different direction and once the dust settles (and it will) - you will move forward & be happier. you just gotta push through these tough times, surround yourself with folks who love you and try to stay positive!

 

best of luck.

[minimariah]

You two can be on very good terms and even be friends as time goes on which will make you both great co parents to your kids.

 

^ this! it's not the end of the world, life goes on & you can build a normal relationship for the sake of your kids.

[bathtub-row]

It's not surprising that you get along better now, because you're separated. You don't have the same expectations or problems that you had when you were together. I wouldn't take getting along as a sign that anything would change in the marriage. The truth is, most men behave better once they're no longer married to that person.

 

Sometimes the process of divorce will bring out the worst in them so be prepared for that. I tried being pleasant with my ex when we divorced but once he realized he was losing control, he became a nightmare. Sometimes, no matter how pleasant you want things to be, the other person simply won't cooperate. A lot of men love to battle with their exes because they like to control. If your ex does this, just politely stand your ground and don't let him shake you.

 

Despite the nasty battle that our divorce became, my ex and I still had a very good working relationship where our son was concerned. We went to all our son's sporting events, hugged one another when we saw each other, etc. My son didn't fear us being in the same space together, nor was it odd to him. I detest situations where parents can't act like adults around their children. Did I light into my ex at times? You bet. But I didn't do it when my son was around. You can have a decent relationship with your ex if you can both be grown up about it.

[ladydesigner]

So, my husband moved out a little over two weeks ago. The day he left was very hard. I knew we were doing the right thing but it doesn't make it any easier. I think I cried pretty mich all day. My affair ended way over a year ago and he knows everything. We had a lot of problems back then and now a year later they Re still here. Nothing has changed. Still no intimacy at all. For those of you who don't understand this, let me tell you, no intimacy effects every aspect of your marrage. It's frustrating, and sad, it makes you question everything and then you become really bitter and angry.

We have been to three therapists and nothing has helped. My affair, even though I regret it, taught me that I deserve more in my life, and so does he. Anyway, I'm pretty sure we are headed for divorce because he still isn't seeing the big picture, and god knows I've tried everything. Sometimes we need to leave the life we planned, for the life that is waiting for us....[/QUOT

Once you cheat ,in response to marital issues, many BSs are unwilling to address pre-affair issues. Surely you must have known this when you made the decision to have an affair.

Very few marriages remain intact after an affair. Less than a year has gone by since discovery. What steps have you taken to help your H recover and why are you giving revovery such an abbreviated recovery period.

Surely, you have read on the 2_5 year minimum deal, eh?

 

I actually have to agree here. The recovery from an A takes years and if the WS isn't cut out for it then yes I agree I would cut my losses. I have never been the same since my WH's A.

 

Has your BS been to his own therapist?

[Josmatjes]

So, my husband moved out a little over two weeks ago. The day he left was very hard. I knew we were doing the right thing but it doesn't make it any easier. I think I cried pretty mich all day. My affair ended way over a year ago and he knows everything. We had a lot of problems back then and now a year later they Re still here. Nothing has changed. Still no intimacy at all. For those of you who don't understand this, let me tell you, no intimacy effects every aspect of your marrage. It's frustrating, and sad, it makes you question everything and then you become really bitter and angry.

We have been to three therapists and nothing has helped. My affair, even though I regret it, taught me that I deserve more in my life, and so does he. Anyway, I'm pretty sure we are headed for divorce because he still isn't seeing the big picture, and god knows I've tried everything. Sometimes we need to leave the life we planned, for the life that is waiting for us....[/QUOT

Once you cheat ,in response to marital issues, many BSs are unwilling to address pre-affair issues. Surely you must have known this when you made the decision to have an affair.

Very few marriages remain intact after an affair. Less than a year has gone by since discovery. What steps have you taken to help your H recover and why are you giving revovery such an abbreviated recovery period.

Surely, you have read on the 2_5 year minimum deal, eh?

 

Well my A was cut ally closer to almost two years ago. I know I have taken every step possible to make my marrage work, before the affair and after. Sometimes things just don't work anymore.

 

I also don't appreciate any of your replies . You don't know me or what I've had to deal with the past 10 years of my life so if you don't have anything supportive to say please go to another thread.

[bathtub-row]

 

Well my A was cut ally closer to almost two years ago. I know I have taken every step possible to make my marrage work, before the affair and after. Sometimes things just don't work anymore.

 

I also don't appreciate any of your replies . You don't know me or what I've had to deal with the past 10 years of my life so if you don't have anything supportive to say please go to another thread.

 

It's typical that, for a lot of people, all other issues go by the wayside because they can't focus on anything other than the affair. So what if there were other massive problems, right? So what if the marriage was an inch from imploding? He's the victim now because you cheated. I would ignore this stuff. People love to believe that if they treat their spouses like crap, or if they neglect and ignore them, they still have no responsibility for their spouse having an affair. It's a way to take the focus off of them and a new way to further beat up their spouse.

 

I say to everyone, treat your spouse like you care, listen when they tell you there's a problem. If you don't, then that's the risk you take.

[ladydesigner]

 

It's typical that, for a lot of people, all other issues go by the wayside because they can't focus on anything other than the affair. So what if there were other massive problems, right? So what if the marriage was an inch from imploding? He's the victim now because you cheated. I would ignore this stuff. People love to believe that if they treat their spouses like crap, or if they neglect and ignore them, they still have no responsibility for their spouse having an affair. It's a way to take the focus off of them and a new way to further beat up their spouse.

 

I say to everyone, treat your spouse like you care, listen when they tell you there's a problem. If you don't, then that's the risk you take.

 

Same as if you had an A and I'm sorry there are 2 people responsible and often the WS is just as responsible for pre-A problems as much as the BS.

[WestEndGirl]

OP, I've been through a long drawn-out divorce. My ex-H had an A, and then I did, but even long before that, the M was as dead as dirt. The only thing keeping us together was the assets and real estate, and both of us were too lazy to make the first move. We get along fine today. In fact, as soon as we separated, the hostility began to disappear, and we could meet for lunch and talk civilly, like good friends.

 

So even though the D had to be done, it was still painful. That's what people don't understand, I think. There's that long-ago dream that you can't bring yourself to acknowledge is forever over. I hate it when people say, "Work on your marriage!" Huh. There was nothing to work with. We didn't have that kind of relationship. We had nothing in common. Our values were totally different. We hadn't had s*x in years, and I can tell you from my POV, it wasn't going to ever happen again willingly (at least not on my end). If I met my ex-H today, never having known him before, I wouldn't be remotely interested in him, except as a friend.

 

It's only a "failure" if you make it one. Some relationships and marriages just run their course, because the two are two very different people who have not grown together. You will be okay, I promise, pinky swear, swear on a stack of holy books. Everyone will be okay, now that the worst part is over.

[NewLeaf512]

I've only been a member here for a few months but I've read many stories in the OW / OM thread because I am an ex OW.

 

An observation thus far believe I've seen 2 posters writing about their amazing life that were in amazing marriages filled with sex, love, and intimacy choose an A, have no intent to see the AP for anything other than sex, and don't mind risking the amazing marriage to the super spouse and risking everything for a shag.

 

The OW take serious verbal knives here quite other and are expected to and do get all if not most of the blame and scorn. The WS are seen to have been lured WS into the A. Nonsense. If you are in love and have respect with your spouse, WS,:::WS usually are in someway unfulfilled in their marriage and they usually are the A initiators

Edited December 2, 2015 by NewLeaf512
Forgot a word

[WestEndGirl]

The WS are seen to have been lured WS into the A. Nonsense. If you are in love and have respect with your spouse, WS,:::WS usually are in someway unfulfilled in their marriage and they usually are the A initiators

 

I have (personally) found that to be completely untrue. Most of the MM friends and acquaintances I know actively pursued an outside R, for the same cliched reasons—their R with their Ws were like "brother and sister", no passion/sex, sexually unfulfilled, emotionally unfulfilled, etc. One can only describe the same circumstances X-number of ways.

 

I guess I see EMRs as a natural result of a M dying a natural death. Some couples stick it out and are never any happier, and are, in fact, much less happy, and some decide to get a D and move on. You never know what's going to happen in the long run. A friend of mine got a D from her WS 10 years later, after the kids were almost out of the house. :/

[Sub]

I've only been a member here for a few months but I've read many stories in the OW / OM thread because I am an ex OW.

 

An observation thus far believe I've seen 2 posters writing about their amazing life that were in amazing marriages filled with sex, love, and intimacy choose an A, have no intent to see the AP for anything other than sex, and don't mind risking the amazing marriage to the super spouse and risking everything for a shag.

 

The OW take serious verbal knives here quite other and are expected to and do get all if not most of the blame and scorn. The WS are seen to have been lured WS into the A. Nonsense. If you are in love and have respect with your spouse, WS,:::WS usually are in someway unfulfilled in their marriage and they usually are the A initiators

 

Marriages aren't always amazing. Peaks, valleys. It all happens. I think all involved - AP's, WS's, BS's - would do well to be more undrstanding of that and take their share of the responsibility for whatever occurs.