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Will he come back?


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It's been a little over 2 and 1/2 months since I broke up with him. I am single and have tried putting myself out there but I just can't be bothered with any other guy. While I am starting to feel like my old self again and have been fairly successful at avoiding/ignoring my exMM at work, my brain can't seem to delete the memories that come flooding back every time I run into him in the office. I saw him in the office lobby a few days ago and caught him looking at me and I had to break eye contact with him after a couple of seconds as I walked away and ignored his presence. I have also noticed how he 's been super friendly with a couple of ladies in the office he never liked and his tone and conversation is so forced and fake with them - it's like he's trying to either seek validation to mend his bruised ego and/or trying to make me jealous. He hasn't reached out to me after a post-breakup conversation after a week or so since I broke up with him and I had mostly reached out for some work related stuff and money he owed me (which he never paid back). Everyone in the office now knows about us ( I outed us because I was angry) and while it's blown over, it's still awkward. I am still unbelievably drawn to him and despite the fact that he was a coward and a liar for having an affair with no intention of leaving his wife, he was an incredibly supportive, trustworthy and helpful guy when it came to a friendship. I really miss that aspect and want him back but I will not reach out. I also feel guilty in the way I abruptly dumped him. I wonder if he still has feelings for me and will try to get back together at some point.

Edited by Lovetoohard
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It's been a little over 2 and 1/2 months since I broke up with him. I am single and have tried putting myself out there but I just can't be bothered with any other guy. While I am starting to feel like my old self again and have been fairly successful at avoiding/ignoring my exMM at work, my brain can't seem to delete the memories that come flooding back every time I run into him in the office. I saw him in the office lobby a few days ago and caught him looking at me and I had to break eye contact with him after a couple of seconds as I walked away and ignored his presence. I have also noticed how he 's been super friendly with a couple of ladies in the office he never liked and his tone and conversation is so forced and fake with them - it's like he's trying to either seek validation to mend his bruised ego and/or trying to make me jealous. He hasn't reached out to me after a post-breakup conversation after a week or so since I broke up with him and I had mostly reached out for some work related stuff and money he owed me (which he never paid back). Everyone in the office now knows about us ( I outed us because I was angry) and while it's blown over, it's still awkward. I am still unbelievably drawn to him and despite the fact that he was a coward and a liar for having an affair with no intention of leaving his wife, he was an incredibly supportive, trustworthy and helpful guy when it came to a friendship. I really miss that aspect and want him back but I will not reach out. I also feel guilty in the way I abruptly dumped him. I wonder if he still has feelings for me and will try to get back together at some point.

 

To answer your initial question. No. He's not coming back.

 

You need to fashion your life sans him. He's gone. He's left you, is a douche, gone.

 

I'm sorry.

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I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. Did he tell you he intended to leave his wife when you started the relationship?

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I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. Did he tell you he intended to leave his wife when you started the relationship?

 

No, he didn't tell me that when we first started the relationship but he did give me a lot of assurances when he called after a week or so after I broke up with him. The thing is, I never had any expectation of him leaving his wife when we first started going out but 6 months in, I was getting emotionally attached and not giving single guys a chance. Truth be told, and this is going to sound awful, he was unhappy in his marriage and I was having a horrible streak in my dating life (met duds, jerks, boring guys, weirdos etc) and was sick of it....and along came MM...he served as a great companion, friend, ego/self esteem booster, and a fantastic colleague and one that I worked really well with. I thought I could have him on the side and drop him when Mr. Right came along but I was getting too attached. Looking back on it, I should've kept my emotions in check. I know I know, this is a horrible thing to do to his wife but she doesn't seem to treat him right - she ditched him for the summer and went to hang out with her folks in another state, never cooks, doesn't support his career goals, etc. Their dynamic is odd and I didn't exactly pursue him. I don't want him to leave his family but I do really miss the support, companionship etc.

Edited by Lovetoohard
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No, he didn't tell me that when we first started the relationship but he did give me a lot of assurances when he called after a week or so after I broke up with him. The thing is, I never had any expectation of him leaving his wife when we first started going out but 6 months in, I was getting emotionally attached and not giving single guys a chance. Truth be told, and this is going to sound awful, he was unhappy in his marriage and I was having a horrible streak in my dating life (met duds, jerks, boring guys, weirdos etc) and was sick of it....and along came MM...he served as a great companion, friend, ego/self esteem booster, and a fantastic colleague and one that I worked really well with. I thought I could have him on the side and drop him when Mr. Right came along but I was getting too attached. Looking back on it, I should've kept my emotions in check. I know I know, this is a horrible thing to do to his wife but she doesn't seem to treat him right - she ditched him for the summer and went to hang out with her folks in another state, never cooks, doesn't support his career goals, etc. Their dynamic is odd and I didn't exactly pursue him. I don't want him to leave his family but I do really miss the support, companionship etc.

 

How do you know all this about his wife?

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How do you know all this about his wife?

 

We work together and he's told mutual work friends this stuff as well as me.

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We work together and he's told mutual work friends this stuff as well as me.

 

 

But... Has he discussed it with her? Apart from throwing out passive aggressive comments or nagging?

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eye of the storm

I work with a guy who constantly talks crap about his W. To everyone. He has never once said a nice word about the poor woman. But she makes his lunch every day, irons his clothes, and when there is an office function she makes a huge tray of food.

 

So....is she a crappy wife? Or does he just talk crap about her....I think some people just like to talk crap about others so they look better.

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But... Has he discussed it with her? Apart from throwing out passive aggressive comments or nagging?

 

He claims he has and that she doesn't feel like anything needs to change. He does really adore his kids though and I know he's not going to hurt that dynamic. Leaving his wife means he's not going to see his kids everyday and he's going to be in a pretty precarious position financially as he's still only starting out in his career and has student loans to pay off as well.

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Does he cook for his wife, does he support her goals, does he pitch in and lighten her load? Two sides to every story. And I don't respect a man who badmouths his spouse. It's one thing to open up in private to your nearest and dearest friend, but it sounds like this guy will put his wife down to pretty much anyone and everyone. That's a bad sign.

 

In any case it doesn't sound like anything has changed and your reasons for ending the affair haven't gone away so no reason to want him back. He's a big boy and if he is unhappy he can sort it out himself.

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I think it's best to keep with NC and moving on. 2 months isn't that long and it's even harder since you don't have the luxury of true NC where he is out of sight and out of mind since you work together. Sometimes people bringing up getting a new job as if it it is that easy, like you can just quit your job and someone will be there waiting to hire you elsewhere, when this isn't often reality. So I won't suggest that, but if however you think that may be a reasonable option or there are transfer options or some way to avoid him at work even further, take those steps!

 

As for wishing he will come back? Why?:confused: You feel bad for abruptly dumping a MM who didn't plan to leave his wife? Why? You want him to come back (after you dumped him because you CLEARLY weren't satisfied with the status quo) for more of the same? Why?

 

I call that the break up inanity. Where we're hurting and just start to think up all kinds of illogical things. No one likes rejection and sometimes we want to be validated and feel like we matter, but trust me, trying to expect that from him is doing yourself a disservice. He's not that great....believe me. I know it can feel like he is and that he was such a good "friend" and whatever else, but you'll be just fine without him when you give it more time and I would advise you strongly to not succumb to the weak moments of wanting to jump back into a situation you jumped out of for good reason.

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Does he cook for his wife, does he support her goals, does he pitch in and lighten her load? Two sides to every story. And I don't respect a man who badmouths his spouse. It's one thing to open up in private to your nearest and dearest friend, but it sounds like this guy will put his wife down to pretty much anyone and everyone. That's a bad sign.

 

In any case it doesn't sound like anything has changed and your reasons for ending the affair haven't gone away so no reason to want him back. He's a big boy and if he is unhappy he can sort it out himself.

 

I agree with you - there's two sides of the story. He can be very selfish and self centered with his needs and wants. Who knows...they've been married over ten years and maybe she got fed up of it and now she doesn't do as much. Or maybe that's just his scewed version. In any case, like you said, I think it was inappropriate to put his wife down to coworkers like that.

 

I am not saying I would want to spend my life with him...I'm simply missing the short term and am wondering if he will try to get back together since I basically took away his happy escape and now that I've realized that he's not a long term thing, I can manage my expectations accordingly and focus on finding a SG - I other words, I'd be doing essentially what ex MM would be doing.

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I think it's best to keep with NC and moving on. 2 months isn't that long and it's even harder since you don't have the luxury of true NC where he is out of sight and out of mind since you work together. Sometimes people bringing up getting a new job as if it it is that easy, like you can just quit your job and someone will be there waiting to hire you elsewhere, when this isn't often reality. So I won't suggest that, but if however you think that may be a reasonable option or there are transfer options or some way to avoid him at work even further, take those steps!

 

As for wishing he will come back? Why?:confused: You feel bad for abruptly dumping a MM who didn't plan to leave his wife? Why? You want him to come back (after you dumped him because you CLEARLY weren't satisfied with the status quo) for more of the same? Why?

 

I call that the break up inanity. Where we're hurting and just start to think up all kinds of illogical things. No one likes rejection and sometimes we want to be validated and feel like we matter, but trust me, trying to expect that from him is doing yourself a disservice. He's not that great....believe me. I know it can feel like he is and that he was such a good "friend" and whatever else, but you'll be just fine without him when you give it more time and I would advise you strongly to not succumb to the weak moments of wanting to jump back into a situation you jumped out of for good reason.

 

Thanks for your wise words of wisdom. I can't simply quit my job and move to another one. I am a professional in a highly specialized area. Also, I've worked too hard to get to where I am career-wise and I will not let a soured relationship run me out. :)

 

I have generally been doing great with NC and I simply had a weak moment. There is no long term future for us but I just want my security blanket until I find the right guy. Sounds messed up, I know. A big part of me also wants to see whether he is pining for me the way I have been for him. My high is gone and I'm in withdrawal is basically it I think. Life feels dull, routine and mundane without the daily highs and I have managed to easily forget the lows (oh, how easy is it to do that!:(). I've also had a chance to step back and manage my expectations of him - he is not a keeper long term, but has been a great happy place to go to short term....that is, until I get my Mr. Right. It's selfish, I realize that, but that's essentially what he's been doing and now our expectations and efforts will be matched. Sigh....this is illogical indeed.

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Ha! Ran into ex in the office parking parking lot. He was on his phone and I was walking towards office lobby. Thankfully, I could look openly and not avert my gaze as I was wearing sunglasses. We walked past each other and i made no effort to acknowledge him, but as I walked towards the entrance doors, I caught his reflection in the glass of the doors and saw him do a 180 and turn back and look at me walk in. It felt good. I have no idea what it means but it was a beautiful moment and I felt fabulous that I had held my head up high, looked snazzy, and walked on without so much as acknowledging his molecule of a presence! ;)

Edited by Lovetoohard
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Lovetoohard you sound like a smart cookie! Keep your head high!

 

I second the 'try to find a new job' just to get rid of his constant presence. Maybe you might find an even better job (not sure if that is an option, it just sucks you have to work with him).

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wanderingxsoulz
Life feels dull, routine and mundane without the daily highs and I have managed to easily forget the lows

 

Everything you described is exactly how I feel :(

 

Dumped him and yet still wishing he would reach out to see if I meant anything to him at all even though there's no way I would initiate contact, conveniently forgetting all the bad parts and just wishing he was with me again, never expected him to leave his family but I got really attached, everything and everyone else simply feels pointless.

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The jerk is still checking me out! I have continued to treat him like he doesn't exist and while I see him around the office, ignoring is actually really helping me move on and realize how pathetic he is. I got an awesome ego boost the other day- walked right past him as I was going towards our office building and he was coming out. He was on the phone with someone and was talking in a rather angry and aggressive tone to them (that's more like his real ******* tone as opposed to the charmer he appears to be in the office) and as usual, I didn't acknowledge him or make eye contact and walked straight ahead, and after he was a few 20 ft or so behind me, I saw his reflection in the glass doors of the building and saw him turn around, like a full body turn, and look at me. What does that even mean?!? What a loser!

Edited by Lovetoohard
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The jerk is still checking me out! I have continued to treat him like he doesn't exist and while I see him around the office, ignoring is actually really helping me move on and realize how pathetic he is. I got an awesome ego boost the other day- walked right past him as I was going towards our office building and he was coming out. He was on the phone with someone and was talking in a rather angry and aggressive tone to them (that's more like his real ******* tone as opposed to the charmer he appears to be in the office) and as usual, I didn't acknowledge him or make eye contact and walked straight ahead, and after he was a few 20 ft or so behind me, I saw his reflection in the glass doors of the building and saw him turn around, like a full body turn, and look at me. What does that even mean?!? What a loser!

 

It means he has teenage-level coping skills and a terrible poker face. He's hurt and trying to hide it. But you must remember that is not your problem! You were honest and to the point. You afforded him the respect of basic social decency and need not give him anymore.

 

If I were you I would find his lack of emotional control a sign of immaturity and laugh it off to yourself. He doesn't play chess; he plays Candy Land. He is trying to get you to play, but it sounds like you are not one for kiddie games. When you realize how basic he is, you will see you made the right choice. Just continue to ignore his simple advances and smile more often.

 

If he continues to gawk, I would take that as affirmation that he is not over you. I know you it is hard since it sounds like you aren't entirely over him either. Stay strong and continue to observe NC, it will get easier over time. If you catch his eyes wondering again, you could make a brief exception and with a witty remark like, "I thought I told you we are done. If you continue to eye f*ck me, I am going to have to start charging you. And if you keep up at this rate, you will owe my time and a half." Then walk away and resume NC.

 

Best of luck,

 

OneLov

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Your recent posts disclose that MM is serving the "Mr Right Now" function while you have hopes that "Mr Right" appears in your life. Couple of problems with that approach to your romantic life. First, when you are with MM mentally or physically, you aren't available for Mr Right. Remember that he won't be wearing a neon sign telling you he's Mr Right. You have to get to know him and to do that you need to be available.

 

The second problem is that someday, somehow you will be trying to explain the gap in your romantic resume'. Unless the future Mr Right is oblivious he will start wondering. And short of the unvarnished truth, your explanation is not going to make much sense. The earlier MM is out of your life, the easier the explanation is going to be.

 

I'm not just speculating here. Before I met my W she was the OW to a married man. Not important here how she justified that relationship, but the fact that it had existed for 1.5 years more or less did substantially delay our eventual engagement and marriage. She confessed and answered my questions but I was too foolish not to ask her questions which arose later. Now I'd know better.

 

And, without being mean and subjecting myself to scolding from the Mods

or others here, you are suffering from selective perception. The single guys you date you describe as jerks, but see no flaws in MM's character. Remember he is cheating on and lying to his wife. Is he entirely truthful with you or does he tell you the words you want to hear?

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Your recent posts disclose that MM is serving the "Mr Right Now" function while you have hopes that "Mr Right" appears in your life. Couple of problems with that approach to your romantic life. First, when you are with MM mentally or physically, you aren't available for Mr Right. Remember that he won't be wearing a neon sign telling you he's Mr Right. You have to get to know him and to do that you need to be available.

 

The second problem is that someday, somehow you will be trying to explain the gap in your romantic resume'. Unless the future Mr Right is oblivious he will start wondering. And short of the unvarnished truth, your explanation is not going to make much sense. The earlier MM is out of your life, the easier the explanation is going to be.

 

I'm not just speculating here. Before I met my W she was the OW to a married man. Not important here how she justified that relationship, but the fact that it had existed for 1.5 years more or less did substantially delay our eventual engagement and marriage. She confessed and answered my questions but I was too foolish not to ask her questions which arose later. Now I'd know better.

 

And, without being mean and subjecting myself to scolding from the Mods

or others here, you are suffering from selective perception. The single guys you date you describe as jerks, but see no flaws in MM's character. Remember he is cheating on and lying to his wife. Is he entirely truthful with you or does he tell you the words you want to hear?

 

I know I am suffering from selective perception and I keep reminding myself of the negative aspects of the MM and am doing progressively better every day. If you take away all the fun moments, sex, attraction and professional/work dynamic, there really wasn't any substantive emotional and moral support and unconditional, non-selfish affection from him. I just have weak moments once in a while. You are right - I don't think having MM on the side would allow me to give a fair chance to a SG. And even though I believe he misses me, I am making a conscious effort to keep that door shut permanently, and ignore the urge to allow a tiny crack open. I come first. It's all about me.

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Had a major relapse and broke NC after being successful at it and well on my way to detaching. I got laid off two days ago, which was a total shock to me. MM is out of town all week and what do I do?? Call him crying and upset. He calmed me down and was supportive. It gets worse - he checked up on me later that night and called me. We ended up talking for an hour and a half on FaceTime and he asked me if I think of him and we had phone/FaceTime sex. He was trying to comfort me and it just kind of happened. Yesterday I called him a couple times as well and he picked up even though he's out of town and was supportive. Last night I got drunk and sent him a numbers of pathetic "I miss you type texts" but he only selectively responded to the non-emotional ones. This morning I had to go back in the office to take care of HR paperwork and called him and it was a short conversation and he told me to handle the HR stuff unemotionally and not sound bitter. I told him that he's right and that bitterness is not in my nature and said all I want to do is move on with my life. I said I will keep him posted on the HR mtg after. I sent him a couple of update txts and another txt asking him to keep me in the loop if he hears of any job openings and an update on an upcoming interview and thanked him for his support. The txts were sent 6 hrs ago and I have not heard anything back. This hurts like it did when I first broke up with him. It sucks.

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This is a really tough time for you. I'm sorry to hear that you are back in. At this moment, it hurts like hell. Don't beat yourself up or hate yourself for it. It doesn't help and just adds more to the pain. Earlier in this thread you said all those bad things about him, calling him a jerk for looking at you, a way to cope with the parting. It's great when it ended and such thoughts help you move on, but now you had phone/facetime sex with him, the guilt is greater. Now that you did, you feel horrible about yourself. Take care of yourself and forgive yourself first, and take your time to get your game back. I'm sorry you lost your job. Is there someone you can be around with instead of drinking at this time?

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ShatteredLady

Earlier you were talking about love & the safety, security, all the things you didn't get..... THEN...What happens?? You called him distraught, at a truly terrible time in your life & how does he console you? By talking you into "phone/facetime sex with him"!

 

PLEASE! Don't ever let another person do this to you. You know what's right FOR YOU. You are already living with horrible feelings & they're only getting worse the longer this man is in your brain.

 

Wouldn't it be lovely to have your own special person to turn to when terrible things happen in your life? A man who drops everything for you? All those special moments in life that you want to share....He is stopping you from getting the things that you want in life!! He is standing in your way to happiness.

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This is a really tough time for you. I'm sorry to hear that you are back in. At this moment, it hurts like hell. Don't beat yourself up or hate yourself for it. It doesn't help and just adds more to the pain. Earlier in this thread you said all those bad things about him, calling him a jerk for looking at you, a way to cope with the parting. It's great when it ended and such thoughts help you move on, but now you had phone/facetime sex with him, the guilt is greater. Now that you did, you feel horrible about yourself. Take care of yourself and forgive yourself first, and take your time to get your game back. I'm sorry you lost your job. Is there someone you can be around with instead of drinking at this time?

 

He was trying to comfort me and I gave in to buried feelings. I don't think he was looking to take advantage of me. I don't feel guilty necessarily but that strong sense of longing and wanting to be loved by him came back. I was the one that chose to lean on him. I am not back in and it was a momentary relapse. He has not responded to my txts after that and that's fine. I doubt he will ever reach back out to me. And now the silver lining is, I don't have to see him at work.

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