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How many times did you and your AP break up before it stuck? I know it varies, but I guess I'm wondering where both parties are married, have expressed love for each other, etc. but are trying to do the "right" thing by being faithful. No dday.

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Hmmm...we had periods of waning where I just got frustrated and pulled away but they weren't actual break ups. Then once I was just so fed up I told him we needed to just stop and "be friends," which was rubbish really. Except for a few days of him being overly formal with me, we just went back into the same pattern, as "being friends" and breaking up usually cannot go together immediately.

 

However, it did stick I think maybe later on that year where we went into NC for a whole year before I heard from him again.

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I was not married, he was, but we broke up probably around 3 or 4 times over the course of 2 years before it stuck.

 

I left my marriage before we got involved physically. He is still married although they don't reside in the same country.

We have broken up twice. This is the second time and I am under the impression it will stick since NC has.

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I left my marriage before we got involved physically. He is still married although they don't reside in the same country.

We have broken up twice. This is the second time and I am under the impression it will stick since NC has.

 

It's been 6 months in complete NC but before that, I had tried and failed a couple of times. I wasn't ready then (and knew it deep down). I still wanted it to keep going even if I knew I shouldn't. It felt unfinished. Now it's different, I didn't want it to keep going, I know it's dead end and a waste of time. I think that's when it sticks when you stop wanting/hoping/pining that he contacts you.

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Just once. We didn't do the push pull thing.

 

Both married, no DDay, but wife was suspicious so we we're incentivised to stay done.

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As, i m curious, were there mm who said "oh i m going to work on my marriage" and then they came back out of the blue?

Who comes back usually?

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Eagle's-bargain
How many times did you and your AP break up before it stuck? I know it varies, but I guess I'm wondering where both parties are married, have expressed love for each other, etc. but are trying to do the "right" thing by being faithful. No dday.

 

It stuck the first time.

I couldn't accept half-way, once the "cat was out of the bag."

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We are on breakup #4. Wow that sounds bad when I write it.

 

#1 - he initiated the breakup but I initiated NC. Lasted a week.

#2 - mutual breakup, we were supposed to "keep things nice" between us for work. Lasted 2 weeks.

#3 - he initiated the breakup but no mention of NC. He came crawling back in a little over 24 hours. I was not amused.

#4 - mutual-ish decision but I was really the one to pull the trigger. I am insisting on NC.

 

There was also a 5 week NC but I do not consider that a true breakup as we knew we would talk at the end of it.

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We had three over the course of our 2 yr affair. First one was my doing. We were about 3 months into the affair and I was frustrated with the low contact. Little did I know that is typical in affairs. It lasted about 2 weeks before I contacted him again. Second time was by him. There was a Dday, daughter found out. His plans were to leave and get his own place and then restart with me again. We still spoke but didn't see each other. That lasted a little over a month. Third and final time was me. I sent a 'dear John' letter in the middle of the night ending it. We haven't spoken to each other since, it was 3 months as of yesterday.

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That's crazy. I literally just finished reading a story about a woman in a similar situation. Her IC pointed out that finally ending her affair meant making a decision about ending her marriage or confessing and seeing where the chips feel. She realized that she simply just couldn't go back to her marriage like nothing happened. Ending her affair meant facing her life and the poor decisions she made, which was something she did not want to do. It was easier for her to keep feeding off the ego kibble so she got from her AP while keeping her marriage in limbo. In the end she confessed to the affair, but she doesn't know if her marriage is going to make it. None the less, I don't know if this applies to you, but I thought both of your stories were similar. Maybe finally ending this affair means you making a big decision about your marriage that you aren't ready to make. I saw in an earlier thread that you were going to divorce. Is that still happening?

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Grapesofwrath

my first attempt was 3 days in, saying it was a bad idea and we should stop before anyone got hurt. Then a couple weak attempts along the way. Only once did I actually say that we're breaking up. Used those words. Set the boundaries. That was about 6 weeks ago. So far, so good. He contacts me occasionally, and I like knowing that he misses me. But it's over. There is no turning back.

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Jbrent 890: I told my husband in July that I did not think I wanted to be married anymore. He reacted with anger and do some things that were unsettling and concerning for my kids so the eldest (25) child and I decided that until the other two kids (18) left for college this fall it would be best if I pretended everything was fine. I spent several weeks with one of my kids in another state helping them get settled in college and have only been back at home for a few weeks with husband and eldest child. AP has told me that he feels confused and bad about our 1 year relationship now bc his wife has never done anything to hurt him. I just told him a couple of days ago that I will let go and. Lose the door between us so he does not have to. He had been pretty much non responsive to me for about 3 weeks but would not say he want to break up. He's very religious, yada yada. Back in May he went silent on me for 3 weeks because he was confused. Then I called him after not trying to contact him for 10 days and we picked right back up. I still do not want to be married either way but need to extricate myself carefully.

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Jbrent 890: I told my husband in July that I did not think I wanted to be married anymore. He reacted with anger and do some things that were unsettling and concerning for my kids so the eldest (25) child and I decided that until the other two kids (18) left for college this fall it would be best if I pretended everything was fine. I spent several weeks with one of my kids in another state helping them get settled in college and have only been back at home for a few weeks with husband and eldest child. AP has told me that he feels confused and bad about our 1 year relationship now bc his wife has never done anything to hurt him. I just told him a couple of days ago that I will let go and. Lose the door between us so he does not have to. He had been pretty much non responsive to me for about 3 weeks but would not say he want to break up. He's very religious, yada yada. Back in May he went silent on me for 3 weeks because he was confused. Then I called him after not trying to contact him for 10 days and we picked right back up. I still do not want to be married either way but need to extricate myself carefully.

 

This is just my opinion..my xmm was the same, has a wonderful loving wife and though what we had was great and I believe the love was real, the guilt trumps everything.

If you notice, both times you broke up YOU contacted him...he was trying to be strong and do the right thing and let go.

The men who truly do love their wives can still be weak, can still selfishly want to be cake eaters but they are also the ones who push-pull and delve out breadcrumbs because the A is a major conflict.

I dont think it is that they dont care at all...I think he cares for you but his conscious wont let him rest and when he looks at his wife he feels disgusted with his behaviour.

 

The love can be 'real' but mostly real inside the affair bubble where you can compartmentalize and block out right and wrong because it all just feels so good...

But reality sets in...the conscience creeps in...the heart breaks knowing it is right and best to let go but its hard to do so.

He's trying to tell you in small ways...if you leave, I cant. He's afraid you will expect him to, its getting real for him.

It hurts to end it but you have to because you need to focus on your divorce but also I assume youd like a decent ending. It begins to get more painful and ugly when it begins to taper to breadcrumbs more and more.

 

Just never call or contact him again. Thats what it sounds like he wants and U have to be the strong one and down the road you will be healed and can start a new single life with a clean slate. It will be ok. Just end it simply and let him be. He loves his W.

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