Being Manipulated into an Affair

[Bendy_willow]

I know most of the stories here people got involved with an MM because they thought it was love. I'm wondering if anyone found themselves entangled with an MM because they were manipulated into an A?

 

I'm in my 20s and consider myself highly ambitious. The MM was a senior exec and he played the "wanting to be my mentor" card to get me interested. Ironically, I found myself resisting every step of the way (because I knew in my soul that this is wrong, and I have a WONDERFUL boyfriend) but the MM kept pushing little by little. Only he did it patiently, and made it seem like everything was on my terms.

 

At first I was blaming myself because I am an adult and I need to own my decisions, but my therapist and some older friends immediately saw it as him manipulating me. UGH! What a wake up call. I thought I was a smart ass and had the world and bad people figured out. Truly humbling that I didn't see this sneaking up on me. How often than not does this happen?

[autumnnight]

I have no doubt he pursued you hard.

 

However, if an adult woman has typical intelligence and typical coping mechanisms, she cannot be manipulated or forced into an affair without, at some point, choosing to become involved. We always have choices, even when they are hard to make.

 

I think a balanced view is probably healthiest. He abused some of his power, but you also made a choice. That will help you move on and have better boundaries.

[eye of the storm]

He was setting up the conditions to be favorable to him, but you chose to sleep with him. Nobody accidentally sleeps with another person. You chose to sleep with him to further your career.

 

Own it.

 

The next question is what now? Are you going to continue the A? Are you going to confess to your BF?

 

Don't think I'm bashing you. I think the best way to learn from massive screw ups is to look hard and clearly at your own choices and actions. The other person is/was never the issue.

[Bendy_willow]

Well luckily I've never slept with him. I cut it off almost three weeks ago and pretty much ghosted. Decided that this isn't the path I want to take and I didn't like who I was becoming.

[TaraMaiden2]

So in fact, he was TRYING to manipulate you but failed....?

 

As he failed, I'm sorry, where's the problem....?

[Poppy47]

It's a wake up call for you. I am sure he's done it many times before and is probably much more worldy wise than you are.

 

Is your career intact?

 

Poppy.

[loveboid]

It probably happens more often than not. It's not just in the business world. Older, more experienced people sexually take advantage of younger, less experienced people and unfortunately, that happens a lot.

[Bendy_willow]

Tara, I guess there really isn't a "problem" anymore. I think the thought of me being "manipulated" just made me sad. It made me question if I gave off a vibe of being someone who could be molded. But I guess none of us are truly impenetrable despite how strong we think we may be.

 

I had an emotional bond with him and developed romantic feelings, and so cutting off gave me symptoms of withdrawal. I was overwhelmed with feelings of disappointment. I thought I was better than that. I thought I knew better. Sometimes after seeing him, I was too ashamed to go visit my mom and dad afterwards. Simply put - I'm in a funk, but I'm not ever looking back.

 

Poppy, praise the lord. My career is intact. There must be a higher being looking out for me. At first when we were physically located near one another I think people were starting to get suspicious. He would pay so much attention to me and try to find ways to stop by my desk and chat. You could see the spark. Then, my company decided to relocate my team to a different building. Then I started traveling for weeks at a time and was never in town. And people eventually forgot about it (but we still were in constant contact the whole time). Lastly, he's quitting this week! Done-zo. Gone forever, and I doubt people will remember him.

[Got it]

That is kind of life in a corporate setting - the potential of manipulation not necessarily in a sexual nature.

 

So good lesson learned and my advice, shields up. Create a work persona that is separate from your personal persona and use that to navigate through your career. No one is so strong that someone isn't going to attempt to manipulate them, but how you receive it is on you. So I think fairly standard as one goes up the corporate ladder and teaches you very early on to be cautious with alliances/allies and to know what each person's motivation may be.

 

And as a female, it is not uncommon to have men attempt to cross lines. Even with the nicknames of "Darth Vadar" and "Bulldog" the occasional overture is made. I have perfected the uncomfortable silence and the resting b*tch face.

 

Just remember, at the end of the day, everyone's true colors do come out.

[Goodbye]

He was abusing his power. I'm glad you didn't take the bait.

 

Human Resources should know about this. Not ok.

[TaraMaiden2]

He was abusing his power. I'm glad you didn't take the bait.

 

Human Resources should know about this. Not ok.

 

If only to be aware of his behaviour. But otherwise, there's little point; he's leaving this week.

(And no, it could not be used to forewarn future employers. Giving a negative written reference is illegal. At least, it is in the UK.)

[OneLov]

I am not trying to antagonize you, but how can you be manipulated into having an affair? I do not doubt this man could have manipulated you in a number of ways; however, to suggest one can be manipulated into an affair implies that individual believes affairs are justifiable, at least in certain circumstances. Because no matter the reason involved and regardless of whether or not those acts were physical or a series of inappropriate emotional exchanges, you still acted knowingly while performing those acts.

 

And all that said, it is ok. You are not a bad person, and more than likely, a really good person who made a mistake. You are human. Being human, you are capable and deserving of love. I am sure you are genuinely sorry for hurting your partner. You are deserving of forgiveness and the peace it will bring while lifting you out of the self-described funk you are in.

 

But the only way to achieve this is starting by being honest with yourself. Only you know if you were truly under a magical spell or had a just made a mistake. I say this not as a therapist that has an economic incentive to tell you whatever you want to hear, but as a person that hopes you really do find relief and forgiveness. You're only human and you deserved to be treated as such and not judged or let this reflect as a mark upon your character. Just be honest with yourself and own your actions.

[Got it]

If only to be aware of his behaviour. But otherwise, there's little point; he's leaving this week.

(And no, it could not be used to forewarn future employers. Giving a negative written reference is illegal. At least, it is in the UK.)

 

Not that case in the US if what is being stated is true. But with the concerns of lawsuit, etc. most companies don't go out on the limb. I would look in your handbook or see if there are any policies about references. We do not allow references given out that aren't through the HR department. They are the only ones allowed and it is basically name, rank and serial number.

[whatatangledweb]

Not that case in the US if what is being stated is true. But with the concerns of lawsuit, etc. most companies don't go out on the limb. I would look in your handbook or see if there are any policies about references. We do not allow references given out that aren't through the HR department. They are the only ones allowed and it is basically name, rank and serial number.

 

All you can say in florida is that yes the person worked there , how long, the job they did,and would you hire them again. You can not say why you would or would not rehire them.

[S2B]

It looks like you're realizing a few key components to participating...

 

 

And you've changed a few things. Cutting off all contact is key. Good for you that you did that!

 

It's hard to feel a connection when one person never responds! Don't ever respond again.

 

 

And when you date - verify that any man is really single/available. I've learned that many married men lie - they say they are single when they aren't.

 

 

 

When any man starts communicating a lot - be cautious - keep things balanced. Stay focused on personal goals instead of the attention they distract you with.

 

 

Men can't manipulate if you don't allow it.

[Bendy_willow]

While cutting off was good for ME, sometimes I question if what I did is really mean and immature. I certainly wouldn't like it if someone suddenly ghosted me without a trace.

 

During our time together he was actually a very nice man. Very romantic and very affectionate. I guess he "loved" me (he told me how much he loved me all the time, but I didn't think it was love... At least not my definition) so I can assume that he did have honest feelings. While our affair lasted less than a year and I never slept with him, I was pretty surprised to see how common my situation was with all the same old stories that the MM tells us (sexless marriage, we're more like roommates, ect) So, I realized very early on that there is literally no point to any of this. It literally was wasted time, effort and emotions. It didn't matter how pretty his words are... If you are currently lying and cheating on your wife then you'll probably do it to me. So I bounced.

 

Sometimes I fantasize about reaching out just before he leaves the company to end on a high note ("Hey, best of luck with your new endeavors. It was fun while it lasted. Bye.") And sometimes I just think that it'll be a relief to have him out of my life indefinitely once this chapter closed (as in I can focus on my career without hearing about him or seeing him ever again).

 

Thoughts?

[ladydesigner]

Bendy_willow you sound like you are doing better than most at this

 

You absolutely did the right thing by cutting off contact as soon as you realized you didn't like how it was making you feel. It sounds like you are a pretty healthy person. Most will struggle with NC, yet NC is key to getting over an A.

[privategal]

While cutting off was good for ME, sometimes I question if what I did is really mean and immature. I certainly wouldn't like it if someone suddenly ghosted me without a trace.

 

During our time together he was actually a very nice man. Very romantic and very affectionate. I guess he "loved" me (he told me how much he loved me all the time, but I didn't think it was love... At least not my definition) so I can assume that he did have honest feelings. While our affair lasted less than a year and I never slept with him, I was pretty surprised to see how common my situation was with all the same old stories that the MM tells us (sexless marriage, we're more like roommates, ect) So, I realized very early on that there is literally no point to any of this. It literally was wasted time, effort and emotions. It didn't matter how pretty his words are... If you are currently lying and cheating on your wife then you'll probably do it to me. So I bounced.

 

Sometimes I fantasize about reaching out just before he leaves the company to end on a high note ("Hey, best of luck with your new endeavors. It was fun while it lasted. Bye.") And sometimes I just think that it'll be a relief to have him out of my life indefinitely once this chapter closed (as in I can focus on my career without hearing about him or seeing him ever again).

 

Thoughts?

 

Yes...you can focus on you..your life...your career without ever seeing him or hearing from him again as many on these boards have left jobs due to affairs, careers have been compromised. Never look back. Only forward. Lesson learned.

[OneLov]

While cutting off was good for ME, sometimes I question if what I did is really mean and immature. I certainly wouldn't like it if someone suddenly ghosted me without a trace.

 

During our time together he was actually a very nice man. Very romantic and very affectionate. I guess he "loved" me (he told me how much he loved me all the time, but I didn't think it was love... At least not my definition) so I can assume that he did have honest feelings. While our affair lasted less than a year and I never slept with him, I was pretty surprised to see how common my situation was with all the same old stories that the MM tells us (sexless marriage, we're more like roommates, ect) So, I realized very early on that there is literally no point to any of this. It literally was wasted time, effort and emotions. It didn't matter how pretty his words are... If you are currently lying and cheating on your wife then you'll probably do it to me. So I bounced.

 

Sometimes I fantasize about reaching out just before he leaves the company to end on a high note ("Hey, best of luck with your new endeavors. It was fun while it lasted. Bye.") And sometimes I just think that it'll be a relief to have him out of my life indefinitely once this chapter closed (as in I can focus on my career without hearing about him or seeing him ever again).

 

Thoughts?

 

 

I think you answered yourself regarding the appropriateness of your exit. If you are still fantasizing about reaching out to him, then you clearly do not have closure to this issue and that could ultimately lead to further negative feelings.

 

Although I believe NC is ultimately the best way to go, I believe an honest and firm letter would get closure for both of you. The last thing you need is him contacting you in the future because of some, what if? Being you dropped off he doesn't know if you truly do not have feelings for him or he may think you got caught by your partner and are keeping distant for now because of that. Do not let him think anything but: It is over.

 

You do not owe him anything but an honest explanation. Something to the effect of:

 

"I understand I may have given you the impression I had "x" feelings. But after a lot of soul searching, I realize that anything between us cannot continue because those feelings are inappropriate for either of us and because I love my partner. I have committed to working on my relationship with him going forward. I hope you respect my wishes and do not contact me. It is nothing personal, and you are a nice person, but please understand any future contact will only harm and disrespect me. If you truly care about me like you said then I am confidant you understand. I wish you nothing the best. I am sorry. Good Bye."

 

By doing that you leave nothing ambiguous and the chance of future contact from him is substantially diminished. You will more than likely find yourself able to move on because you will know you were honest and clear on your intentions. At this point, no one can say anything bad to you because you did all you possibly could going forward to correct the mistake. If they are not willing to forgive or see it another way, then that is their problem not yours. Like I said before, you deserve forgiveness. Honesty and sincerity will get you there.

[sandylee1]

He was abusing his power. I'm glad you didn't take the bait.

 

Human Resources should know about this. Not ok.

 

There's no evidence to bring to HR. References are fact based and seducing romantic relationships don't feature in them.

 

He could just say he was being friendly.

[S2B]

While cutting off was good for ME, sometimes I question if what I did is really mean and immature. I certainly wouldn't like it if someone suddenly ghosted me without a trace.

 

During our time together he was actually a very nice man. Very romantic and very affectionate. I guess he "loved" me (he told me how much he loved me all the time, but I didn't think it was love... At least not my definition) so I can assume that he did have honest feelings. While our affair lasted less than a year and I never slept with him, I was pretty surprised to see how common my situation was with all the same old stories that the MM tells us (sexless marriage, we're more like roommates, ect) So, I realized very early on that there is literally no point to any of this. It literally was wasted time, effort and emotions. It didn't matter how pretty his words are... If you are currently lying and cheating on your wife then you'll probably do it to me. So I bounced.

 

Sometimes I fantasize about reaching out just before he leaves the company to end on a high note ("Hey, best of luck with your new endeavors. It was fun while it lasted. Bye.") And sometimes I just think that it'll be a relief to have him out of my life indefinitely once this chapter closed (as in I can focus on my career without hearing about him or seeing him ever again).

 

Thoughts?

 

IF you reach out to him - that allows him to keep responding again.

 

Do not communicate at all if you intend to end the affair.

 

Communicating leads to an affair.

 

Sending him any message makes him think you will start up again.

[Got it]

All you can say in florida is that yes the person worked there , how long, the job they did,and would you hire them again. You can not say why you would or would not rehire them.

 

Actually in Florida you can, it just isn't advised. If, for example, they stole, and it is documented that they stole, you could say that.

 

Fore more information:

 

References

Employers are protected from civil liability when they provide references to a current or former employee's prospective employer. That protection will apply unless the employer knowingly provides false information or provides information in violation of the current or former employee's civil rights. See +Fla. Stat. § 768.095.

[TaraMaiden2]

Actually in Florida you can, it just isn't advised. If, for example, they stole, and it is documented that they stole, you could say that.

 

Fore more information:

 

References

Employers are protected from civil liability when they provide references to a current or former employee's prospective employer. That protection will apply unless the employer knowingly provides false information or provides information in violation of the current or former employee's civil rights. See +Fla. Stat. § 768.095.

 

...Interesting to know what they might be....

 

The worst written reference you can give an employee, if a new prospective employer seeks one, is -

 

"J Jones has worked for this company for 3 years."

 

That's it.

 

(That would be sufficient to either inform a new and savvy employer that something is amiss, and terminate the application - or they are within their rights to call the preceding employer by 'phone and ask, verbally, "Could you elaborate on that, please?"

 

A verbal discussion should always be honest and non-inflammatory. But an ex-employer may fill in the salient facts.

[Bendy_willow]

Thank you all for your input. LS is a pretty cool community, and I definitely learned a lot from reading all your stories. In a way it was like foreseeing into the future which prevented me from heading down a dark path.

 

Yeah, not gonna break NC. I'm sure he'll get over it if it did hurt his feelings. Serves him right for ever coming on to me in the first place.

[Got it]

...Interesting to know what they might be....

 

The worst written reference you can give an employee, if a new prospective employer seeks one, is -

 

"J Jones has worked for this company for 3 years."

 

That's it.

 

(That would be sufficient to either inform a new and savvy employer that something is amiss, and terminate the application - or they are within their rights to call the preceding employer by 'phone and ask, verbally, "Could you elaborate on that, please?"

 

A verbal discussion should always be honest and non-inflammatory. But an ex-employer may fill in the salient facts.

 

It really depends. Most larger companies only do above so the idea we give such limited information is not a surprise or outside the norm. Since it comes only through HR, a written verification is required so even if someone calls in they must submit a written request, even being asked for more are told it's outside our policy.

 

It really all depends but even the best employees get little information provided as it is the best policy for the company.

 

And civil rights would be anything tied to a protected characteristic. I would need to double check but I think Florida only covers the federal protected characteristic. Florida is not one of the more employee friendly states.

 

Where you will see more potential limitations would be CA, DC, NYC, CT, etc.

Edited October 7, 2015 by Got it