Thoughts after nearly two months..

[Clockwatching]

I wanted to jot down, kind of to help me process the things I have learned so far.. but it's a work in process.

 

I have good days and bad days still, mainly good though it has to be said. It's been nearly two months and I've reconnected with my own life again. Before this, I felt like I was walking around disconnected from everything and everyone, in a permanent state of anxiety and worry. Now my anxiety levels have dropped and I'm able to participate in the now, and get away from the 'what ifs?' and the fantasy land.

 

I can't say that I don't miss him, still think about him, and go over it in my head, I do, but I don't miss the way that it was crippling me and the need for sanity in the end out weighed the need to be with him.

 

I've learned a lot from this experience, I can't say that it's made me particularly cynical about love but it has definitely made me realise how much more emphasis I place on the other person's feelings and needs and how much I ignored my own.

 

I want to be a stronger person, and place as much importance on myself as I do on what others want from me and going no contact and giving myself the space that I need has helped me to do that and re-evaluate my life and what I want to experience.

 

It's taught me not to ignore my instincts, and very importantly that my experience with anxiety is actually a gift - it tells me when I'm in a situation that is not emotionally good for me and that I need to listen to my heart. It only sets off when I ignore it, and place myself in a position of insignificance. In that sense, without it, I'd be in a thoroughly worse position with possibly years of being in an affair under my belt and living a life that does me and his wife a disservice.

 

It's shown me that I have values that I never knew I had - the need to not be someone that another person would be ashamed to walk down the street with, the need for dignity and integrity, openness and freedom - I had never thought about how much this meant to me until it was tested.

 

Tony Robbins (very inspirational) has said that when your outer reality clashes with your inner values, you experience pain. My god how true is that?!

 

It was weird, I never thought of myself as someone who would get involved in an affair, but I never felt guilty about his wife, and I don't know why. I still don't really understand that. I'm generally overly empathetic and that's something I've always struggled with, but I felt nothing?? Boy, that birds coming home to roost. I had a dream last night about her and the sense of guilt was heavy. Maybe because my perspective is coming back and I'm less love struck it gives room for normal emotions?

 

I wonder sometimes how many of us who have or are in affairs generally overly identify, empathise and connect with people and don't put ourselves first, and whether this plays a part in our vulnerability to get involved in the affair rather than go after what we truly want? Because we place a lower value on ourselves and go freely with our emotions with and for someone else, our feelings and tendency to ignore the parameters of our true desires are compromised, as we feel less deserving and our desires are not important enough to pursue the relationship that we want. I suspect that this is true of me.

 

I do think, aside from the analytical side of it that I met someone I felt truly comfortable with, a natural bond and sense of love and intimacy, a true connection - it cannot be discounted. However, when we ignore our own dreams and desires and relegate them to the dustbin in favour of someone else's we are in so much trouble. The experience of life is to be savoured by your soul, not through someone elses, and through the vicarious sensing of their emotion. When you do that, equality is out of the window and you will lose - not just yourself, but everything that drew you together in the first place.

 

Besides which, beauty is seen through the beauty of pure and truthful experience - not through the tainted muggy window of half truths and ignorance/denial of your own self. If you came together with truthful emotions, separate with the same and honour yourself and them. Pretend to be somebody else and able to cope with things that your heart screams against and it all becomes a pretence.

 

Pardon the ramble, bit of a journal I know but if anyone wants to share their thoughts they're very welcome!!

 

xx

[Grapesofwrath]

Clock: Thank you for putting into beautiful words many of the thoughts and feelings that I have had over the past several months. Couldn't have said it better.

[Clockwatching]

Grapes, to me you're like the Rocky of the forum - an incredibly strong lady with a vision and enormous tenacity. Even though you say you're cynical now I think it would take a great man to win your love, and even if that doesn't happen you have a heap to give and receive and that you've done that throughout your life.

 

I'm a great believer that if romantic love doesn't happen for you, there's so much in the world to experience that we can fill up with and to me you've done all that and more. I've learned a lot from your posts and they make me feel more determined as a person, so thank you.

 

So, here's hoping to love, and if not, to a magnificent life experience! *chink*

[Grapesofwrath]

Clock: I am hugging you so tight right now. That post has put a huge smile on my face! Thank you. I am/was feeling a bit cynical about love and commitment, but this community is helping me with that, too. How can I be disillusioned about love when my choice for a relationship was a married guy who indicated on our first date that he was a big ole cake-eater, out for his own satisfaction. What did I expect?

 

I agree wholeheartedly that there is a big life out there, with or without romantic love in it. (Though I'm still hoping/envisioning that my life will include such love.) We all deserve that here.

 

If there is one common theme among us OWs, it may be that we don't listen to that inner voice telling us when we should turn and run. We intellectually override our gut and proceed with something we know is perilous. I felt that anxiety you describe, and thank you for naming it for what it is: a protective gift designed to help me avoid danger and pain.

[Clockwatching]

Aww, a huge hug back at you!! I meant every word, you really are an inspiration.

 

Well, I don't think it's about expectations - we don't process intellectually in these kind of situations and it's purely feelings - in that sense, we're all just humans. For me, I know I didn't know where it would lead but it was so unusual for me that I was willing to see where it took me.

 

Really, the things I learnt were worth it - I did make a true connection, but not one that could ever last, and some things aren't meant to, y'know? It's just that we fall, and when we fall we want the whole caboodle, I'm exercising appreciating it for what it was and letting go and learning more about myself in the process, it takes time, thought and multi layered processing I think.

 

I'm definitely still hoping that love is still out there for me too, I know I could be a great partner for the right person, and I'm learning what those parameters are for me and how to value myself. Love is really in abundance if we know where to look!

 

I totally agree re our inner voice, it's so valuable and so underrated in so many respects when we love and more importantly 'try' to love - love just 'is', there is no 'try' as Mr Miyagi would say.

 

The anxiety has been a huge lesson for me, and something I've struggled with for a few years now - this experience has taught me to see it for what it is, a protective measure and an emotional indicator. Huge huge lesson and it means I'm no longer afraid of it! Not silver linings, more golden ones.

[Poppy47]

Grapes, to me you're like the Rocky of the forum - an incredibly strong lady with a vision and enormous tenacity. Even though you say you're cynical now I think it would take a great man to win your love, and even if that doesn't happen you have a heap to give and receive and that you've done that throughout your life.

 

I'm a great believer that if romantic love doesn't happen for you, there's so much in the world to experience that we can fill up with and to me you've done all that and more. I've learned a lot from your posts and they make me feel more determined as a person, so thank you.

 

So, here's hoping to love, and if not, to a magnificent life experience! *chink*

Clock,

I like you post a lot. It rings a lot of bells for me.

 

As a young girl, 50 years ago, if you weren't married by 25 or at least engaged, you were considered to be a social failure.

 

We were lead to believe that romantic love was the goal in life. Perhaps its not so these days.

It was not until much later, that I learned the joys of living alone, savouring my independence and choices.It was not until then that I developed my own strength and sense of self.

Poppy

[yodelwithyu]

Thank you for this post, Clock. There are a lot of us here that is will make a difference to. And it is very beautifully written. Happy for you!!!!

[ShatteredLady]

I've only been a member for a short time. I've been really physically & emotionally run through the wringer over the last year. It's been beyond brutal.

 

There just aren't enough words in the English language to even start to express the complete & utter turmoil of my world. I feel like I've lost nearly everything. I feel like I've lost myself on every level. The pain & anxiety is crippling. My sweet reality is gone.

I've slipped into another dimension & it's a cruel & commpassionless place. How could I live into my 40's & never know? I've been living in a fantasy world & I LOVED IT!! Everyday I find myself mourning my loss. Physically & emotionally I'm shattered.

 

On the surface everything looks the same. It reminds me of the opening of the movie "Blue Velvet" where everything is idilic then the camera pans to just below the surface of the 'perfect lawn' to show the disgusting grime & carnivorous, cannibalistic grubs & bugs. The insidious cruelty, the darkness that lies just below the surface.

 

I smile. I laugh. I cuddle & play with my kids. I hold them tight. I shed tears that I've brought such beautiful innocence into this sad world. I kick myself hard in the bum for thinking such thoughts!!

 

When we were kids my cousin lived her parents horrific divorce. She swore as a young girl that she would never be a stay at home Mum. She would never allow herself to be that vulnerable. She would never rely on another human being. She would always put herself first & never sacrifice. I thought it so sad to be so jaded at such a young age. She's the same age as me & has stayed true to her vow (except where her kids are concerned).

I believed the opposite! I've lived the opposite. I've made huge life altering sacrifices for my M. I feel so stupid!

 

I read the opening post & I truly empathize. I could of written so much of it. All I wanted was that connection, that completeness that comes from giving everything in the name of love. I live with torturous anxiety, pain & regret. My intentions were good & sincere. I'm far from perfect (none of us are) but I've been selfless believing that his happiness would be my happiness. His pain is my pain.

 

I just wanted to say I understand & your words resonated with me. I truly feel for you. I'm so sorry, as a woman, that you are living with such pain & regret.

 

I'm a BS.