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This morning I ended my two year affair. We both are married with children. I know that I did the right thing for us both. We had many ( too many to count) starts and stops all intiated by me over the two years but we were never able to stick to it. Today he expressed guilt over the pain he is causing his wife as a result of his emotional/physical distance with her. This was a first for him. He had never expressed guilt. He said he was naive in thinking that she didn't notice. He didn't think she cared. It was then that I decided I needed to end things for good. Although he often ( pretty much daily) talked about being together in the future, he couldn't bring himself to leave his children. We also were long distance which complicated things further. The deception, the dishonesty, the pain I was responsible for causing his wife and my husband, and our kids became too much. I know that I have mentioned very little about my husband in all of this. I know that is so selfish (as was the affair) but right now I'm trying to grieve the loss of my affair before I can begin to sort my marriage out. I have gone NC and closed all doors. I'm just seeking support and advice from others that have been where I am now.

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Good for you for having the strength to do what so many of us do not! I am currently in nc as well (only a few days) and it is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. There will be good days, there will be bad days. But you have to do what you truly feel us in your best interests and from what I have read here, it is ALWAYS best to end it and work on yourself. That doesn't mean you will not cry and feel like a part of you is dying. It does not mean you won't struggle from minute too ute sometimes with wanting to contact him, but circle back at those times to ask yourself what you really want for your future and what is truly realistic. I walk with you in your struggle, your pain, your confusion...all of it.

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In most cases, a married person in an affair would prefer to get love and affection from their spouse any day of the week over an affair partner. This is why being an affair partner is a losing proposition.

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wanderingxsoulz

Slightly more than 3 months of NC and I've never felt better. Yes, I still think about him and thinking of the good times still hurts. But I'm starting to feel like my old, happy self before I met him again, like life is finally back to normal. Without all the pain, tears, loneliness and confusion.

 

We girls deserve better! Keep it up, all of you. You have all done very well and I'm proud of the progress we have all made, however small.

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Thank you for your replies and support. I know that I made the right decision for so many reasons. I'm looking forward to getting back to the person I was pre affair. I became someone I hardly recognize. I didn't get too much sleep and can't eat, I guess that's par for the course.

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Bittersweetie

Bella,

 

As a fWW. Take the NC one day at a time. Don't look at things as forever...look at it as one day. You can be strong for one day. NC is imperative to let you clear your head.

 

Once your head is clear, then you can examine why you thought it was okay to have an A. You may want to look into counseling to help you address this issue.

 

Whatever you do, do not give in to the urge to text/email AP "just to see if he's okay." Many on this board will tell you that giving into that urge only results in more pain and confusion.

 

Good luck.

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Thank you, Bittersweetie. Day by day although today seems more like hour by hour. Thanks for the great advice, I really appreciate it.

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what are you prepared to do in order to "getting back to the person I was pre affair" and "sort my marriage out." are you willing to be completely honest with your husband or are you just gonna string him along through counseling all the while withholding the fact that you cheated on him? i mean, getting back to the person you were includes being honest, right?

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what are you prepared to do in order to "getting back to the person I was pre affair" and "sort my marriage out." are you willing to be completely honest with your husband or are you just gonna string him along through counseling all the while withholding the fact that you cheated on him? i mean, getting back to the person you were includes being honest, right?

 

Bingo. Mic drop.

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I just posted in the wrong place. My apologies. No mic drop, I'm maintaing NC, I met with a therapist today and I'm getting by. I mentioned in my original post that my initial goal was to seek advice and support on ending my affair and dealing with NC. I will make a decision regarding my marriage very soon. I just wanted to have a clear head and get through this difficult time. If I decide to try and save my marriage I will of course tell my husband everything and leave nothing out. My husband is under no illusion that we have a happy marriage. I have no intention of dragging things out or stringing him along. Thank you to those who offered your support and encouraging words.

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Southern Sun

Bella, this is a very hard time and that may be the understatement of the century. I've been there.

 

Bittersweetie is right - you will be sorely tempted to make contact because it will seem like the pain is too much. It will make you feel like the only way to fix it is to get back in touch. You will question everything and start to wonder if it means you and your AP were "meant to be." This is all normal.

 

Just try to sit through the pain. Remind yourself why you ended it. Take it a day at a time. And just try to make a commitment to get through another day of NC. Because if you go back, you will start the cycle all over again. It will only extend the pain. And you have to get totally out to begin to see clearly the way forward.

 

We'll cross THAT bridge when we get there...whole 'nother thing.

 

My best to you.

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...My husband is under no illusion that we have a happy marriage....

 

And why do you think that is? It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you've been having an affair for two years would it? Of course not. That's just crazy talk. It's always someone else's fault for your affair.

 

And as for you figuring out if you want to save the marriage, that should be your husbands call...once he knows everything. Just because your having problems in your marriage doesn't give you the right to go have your fun and then decide for him if you want your marriage. You pretty much gave up that right when you dropped your pants for another man.

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And why do you think that is? It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you've been having an affair for two years would it? Of course not. That's just crazy talk. It's always someone else's fault for your affair.

 

And as for you figuring out if you want to save the marriage, that should be your husbands call...once he knows everything. Just because your having problems in your marriage doesn't give you the right to go have your fun and then decide for him if you want your marriage. You pretty much gave up that right when you dropped your pants for another man.

 

Good post but you left out half of it. They BOTH have to want to save the marriage.

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Be glad you've washed his sorry behind out of your hair...

 

He doesn't feel guilt, remorse or nothing...the only thing he's sorry is now he won't have two women to keep his ego going.

 

Keep driving forward and don't ever look back

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Good post but you left out half of it. They BOTH have to want to save the marriage.

I don't think she has a clue about either.

Poppy.

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Depending on how involved you were in the affair you really don't know what you are going back to. I mean when you have an affair you don't have time for your marriage. I would say that if you are completely honest you could start again but as different people completely. You can never go back.. Just forward.

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I think it's a pretty big assumption to say that OP's marriage is bad because of her affair. I know a lot of people don't like to hear it or admit it, but affairs are usually driven by a person who feels trapped in a bad marriage. I recall my bad marriage and the opportunity to cheat. It was very tempting but I didn't cheat. However, whether I cheated or not, my marriage was in the toilet either way.

 

OP, if you leave your husband, I wouldn't tell him about the affair. If I were you, I'd try to figure out why your marriage is so bad, and if it's fixable. Mine wasn't fixable and I never regretted leaving. And that, I believe, is the key to leaving a relationship and not feeling regret about it later. Determine if things can be fixed or not. If they can't be, then cut out the cancer and move on. It has nothing to do with the guy you had the affair with. He was just a band aid fix for a bigger problem.

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