feelslikeminideath Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Had an affair for 3 years. I was searching for affection in all the wrong places. I met this man for sex, he was charming and all of the above, a year and a half in he finally "fell in love". I was already there. He was my best friend, I wasn't really allowed friends in my marriage. We texted night and day. I always made jokes about him leaving his wife, he always told me he wasn't the man for me. He's too self serving, carried narcissistic traits, was manipulative, thought he was the center of the earth. He was the guy who liked like Barney Rumble but thought he was Fabio because he was some hot shot lawyer. He was addicted to porn, liked little girl role play fantasy. All of this he admitted he was through the first 2 years. Yes. I pick winners don't I? I stupidly....stupidly....stroke his ego telling him no he's great etc etc. Finally in the last month I had a few ah ha moments. One he told me about a high school girl skirt fantasy, it creeped me the hell out the way he said it...and hes always following young russian girls and models on instagram. Then where I just caught him lying to me about where and why he did things. I then caught him in a lie about his feelings towards me. I did the uh oh thing about threatening to tell his wife. Only then did he reassure and claim how much he loves me and one day he will leave but he cant right now...kids ya know. I fell for it. It's all very complex, but it's sadly true. Today I broke it off. I said I finally found my worth and wtf was I thinking. Everything's blocked. No contact. We've been here before but I mean it this time. Basically I feel like all along I was duped by a narcissist. Duh right?? I feel like a jack az. He was there for me through everything. He told me he loved me and acted like it in the moments. I poured my heart out to this man. I just feel so incredibly stupid for even feeling heart broken. I guess I'm angry. I'm angry someone would even manipulate me like that. He knows what I've been through. Even though he warned me, I didn't believe it. He didn't act like it so I thought. It's just coming to find out what blinders I had on...and how crazy I am I didn't even see it. So I'm mad. I hate that he can just go on and exist like that. He's at home right now, knowing what he did, holding his wife, thinking I get away with everything. It's really heart breaking for me to know she doesn't even see it! He's a top person in his career...and people don't even see what a dirt bag he is. I want to tell, I want to tell her. I feel terrible. I feel terrible for what I've done and who I have done it with. I even started to tell my husband because I feel so awful for the years I wasted with that man. I know my husband would forgive me. Which makes me want to tell her even more. Even if she does forgive him. Isn't that my duty as a woman? I made a terrible mistake in going after a married man. I won't do it again. But I feel this urge to let her know who she is married to. He did it before me as well, he always said if I left him he'd do it again. What do I do... Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 He told you the truth. You didn't believe him. You knew he was married but felt no "duty" to his W for over 2 years while you were sleeping with her H. Now suddenly you feel this womanly connection to her and think you should do your duty. How noble. Be honest, it isn't to do right. It is to spread the pain. Clean your own house. Leave his alone. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Your angry now but really need to think of your own husband/house. I know you think telling her will cause turmoil in their marriage and you'll get revenge, but most likely she won't budge. And it will be you that suffers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 even though i believe she should know, i really don't think it should be from you. unless you have and are willing to provide evidence, you should let it go. when you say you want your husband to know, what is it you've actually told him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelslikeminideath Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 Artie, my husband and I have had numerous ups and downs throughout our 13 years together. I have a lot of resentment built up from years and years of being trapped in an abusive relationship. We got together young, had children young. Lately I've been trying to forgive him for all that he has done to me. At the same time I felt like I could not carry the burdens of what I have done. We are trying to both better our lives together, so I asked him one night if maybe we should lay everything out on the table (I know he's lied to me). I said let's let it all out and agree, that as long as we no longer do anything bad again, we will forgive each other and let go. He quickly said I don't want to know what you've done, I can't even imagine, but I forgive you as I was not the man I should of ever been. The difference with my husband is that, he allows me to be "shared", so long as he is present. I didnt have to hide this affair, but I did. Ya, whole other rabbit hole. Basically we grew up together, this man knows me, in a way....he knows already, i felt it, but asked me not to speak of it. Granted he probably does not know the length or depth of which I have deceived him. I know some say living with the burden is your karma for doing bad things, but....I have so much weight on my shoulders from everything I've been through and already hidden in life. I just don't get how I can go on like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelslikeminideath Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 That's what I feel like I'm currently sitting in..."The stench of failure"... Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Are you ready for him to turn around and tell your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingxsoulz Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I relate with you on so many levels. My xMM too was manipulative and even now, I wonder how much of his "love" was genuine. Very good at acting. I realised that the only person he loved was himself. Selfish narcissist. Makes me angry that even though I'm the one who broke it off, I'm in pieces while he seems to be doing just as well. Like what you said, getting away with everything, top career, wife and everyone's thinks he's the ****. I have toyed with the idea of telling his wife but it was a very brief thought and I knew I would never do it. Firstly, I knew the reason why I even toyed with idea in the first place was because I wanted everyone to hurt as much as I do, so that they would feel a fraction of my pain. Why should I be the only one hurting when he's enjoying the best of both worlds while his wife is happily ignorant and thinking her husband is the bees knees? But she doesn't deserve the pain, not from me. Her husband is the one who deserves it. Secondly, I care too much about him to ever turn his life upside down like that even after everything. I take responsibility for my part in the A. Silly, isn't it. Fix things with your husband, tell him about the A if it will really help your relationship, but just forget about MM and his wife. They are no longer part of your lives or concern. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelslikeminideath Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 They are neighbors, I see them both often. Saying they are gone out of my lives...well, lol. Not entirely. I am no longer "hurting" in the sense that I miss him. I cried it out last night, im glad to say this morning that I'm now only hurting that I wasted my time. Especially knowing what I turned down so that I wouldn't hurt him. I'm hurting that he thinks he's he got away with it. When we broke up before and went no contact for over a month. (Our longest NC)....we met and he looked terrible. Sickly. Said he even had to get on meds he was so depressed. He even confided in close family because he didn't know what to do. He said he missed me terribly and loved me. Granted now I think it's all lies.....but he did look like hell. I think this might of been the time I said who knows if I'll ever show up at your door. But anyways, I think now I'm going to work on myself. Get my career finally started, that I put off to allow more time for him in my life. Get my body back in optimal condition. Look super hot and feel super hot once again. Who knows...maybe his wife and I will become the best of friends one day. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I want to tell, I want to tell her. I feel terrible. I feel terrible for what I've done and who I have done it with. I even started to tell my husband because I feel so awful for the years I wasted with that man. I know my husband would forgive me. Which makes me want to tell her even more. Even if she does forgive him. Isn't that my duty as a woman? I made a terrible mistake in going after a married man. I won't do it again. But I feel this urge to let her know who she is married to. He did it before me as well, he always said if I left him he'd do it again. What do I do... Forgetting your motives for why you want to tell her, just speaking as a woman, I'd damned well want to know if my troll-looking husband (he sounds utterly repulsive looking, by the way) was a cheating, lying sexual deviant with a penchant for high school girls. What a disgusting little pervert. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Please stay away from the W. Do not become her friend. That is evil. Pure evil. You slept with her H. You are not her friend. You will never be her friend. You slept with her H. That is a betrayal. Add to that betrayal when she finds out that not only did her H cheat on her. Her friend?!?!?! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Telling her when she is your neighbor would be a bad idea. You have no idea how she will react. Then you are stuck living next door to someone who hates you and may want to make you pay. It would also be cruel then she would be stuck living there and hating going home. She would no longer feel like her home was her haven from everything. And, no, don't ever be friends with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 what you and your husband are doing is called rugsweeping- "outta sight, outta mind." not a constructive way to fix your issues. i don't see how this holds up with him being your neighbor and all. Link to post Share on other sites
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