Truths??

[Criedallout]

So if you read my back story I have had a horrible up and down relationship with a MM.

 

Even after threatening to out him, he came back. I'm not sure why he keeps trying but I'm emotionally exhausted.

 

This past weekend for whatever reason he finally decided to be honest with me and I found out while seeing me he was also seeing someone else. I also found out he currently has 4 others on the side.

 

I always knew in my gut something was off but I accepted the crumbs, I completely lowered myself to scum.

 

I'm so mad at myself for wasting years on someone who has no clue how to care about anyone.

 

While I'm grateful I was told everything, I'm now sick to my stomach. I feel like a complete shell, a used up shell.

 

I haven't seen him in almost a year but I can't figure out why with all these others he keeps trying to hang around.

 

I haven't spoken to him since Sunday but I haven't eaten or slept much since.

 

Any others with experience of a true serial cheater? One who seems to have at least 2 OW or more at all times?

[Artie Lang]

you mean he was "seeing"(sleeping) with with up to 4 women at one time?

[Popsicle]

Well now you know, it was a waste of time and energy. (Which it would have been anyway even if he wasn't a serial cheater). Chalk it up to that.

[unluckycharms]

I'm 99% sure that mine is a serial cheater and/or sex addict and that he has always had multiple women at a time, but he always denied it and I'm not sure I even want to know the truth at this point because it might anger me into contacting him. He seems to have deep rooted self esteem issues that lead him to compulsively lie and seek personal validation from others in the form of sex. For example, he didn't care how much it hurt my feelings that he lied to me about being married, but if he thought he hadn't pleased me enough physically or I rejected his attempts to have sex, he would be visibly disappointed with himself and would be much more attentive to me until we saw each other again. Your MM might have some variation of this issue where he needs attention to feel good about himself and therefore seeks affection from as many women as he can get it from.

 

I don't think you lowered yourself to scum. You were too trusting and loving of someone who didn't deserve it, but that happens to everyone and many of us don't have the life experience or coping skills to know how to leave a bad situation right away. I was very naive when I met my ex and I'd never learned how to properly set boundaries or view my wants and needs as worthy, in large part because of the environment I grew up in. People love to tell others to "get some self respect" as if the other person is just an idiot and it's the easiest thing in the world, but learning to love oneself is often difficult and time consuming. I'm struggling immensely with this, and I still struggle to even get away from my ex for good, so you're not alone. Please go easy on yourself and try not talk to him again since it sounds like that just opens up old wounds.

Edited October 1, 2015 by unluckycharms

[Criedallout]

you mean he was "seeing"(sleeping) with with up to 4 women at one time?

 

I'm not sure if he sees all of them currently but he texts and sexts with them all. Each one thinking they are the only one, I asked.

 

When we were together, yes he was seeing 2 at once. I'm now sure in thinking there were probably others he was talking too.

 

Yes I know, I am a fool

[Criedallout]

I'm 99% sure that mine is a serial cheater and/or sex addict and that he has always had multiple women at a time, but he always denied it and I'm not sure I even want to know the truth at this point because it might anger me into contacting him. He seems to have deep rooted self esteem issues that lead him to compulsively lie and seek personal validation from others in the form of sex. For example, he didn't care how much it hurt my feelings that he lied to me about being married, but if he thought he hadn't pleased me enough physically or I rejected his attempts to have sex, he would be visibly disappointed with himself and would be much more attentive to me until we saw each other again. Your MM might have some variation of this issue where he needs attention to feel good about himself and therefore seeks affection from as many women as he can get it from.

 

I don't think you lowered yourself to scum. You were too trusting and loving of someone who didn't deserve it, but that happens to everyone and many of us don't have the life experience or coping skills to know how to leave a bad situation right away. I was very naive when I met my ex and I'd never learned how to properly set boundaries or view my wants and needs as worthy, in large part because of the environment I grew up in. People love to tell others to "get some self respect" as if the other person is just an idiot and it's the easiest thing in the world, but learning to love oneself is often difficult and time consuming. I'm struggling immensely with this, and I still struggle to even get away from my ex for good, so you're not alone. Please go easy on yourself and try not talk to him again since it sounds like that just opens up old wounds.

 

 

My exMM keeps saying he has internal issues from childhood and this is why he asks in this manner.

 

I do feel like scum, I loved someone, felt thankful to have them in my life only to later find out I was just a hole.

 

I will never understand him and no matter how much I wish he could feel the pain he causes he never will, he isn't capable

[unluckycharms]

My exMM keeps saying he has internal issues from childhood and this is why he asks in this manner.

 

I do feel like scum, I loved someone, felt thankful to have them in my life only to later find out I was just a hole.

 

I will never understand him and no matter how much I wish he could feel the pain he causes he never will, he isn't capable

 

Edited - can we ban referring to women as "just holes"? This isn't the 1950s..

Edited October 1, 2015 by unluckycharms

[Criedallout]

Edited - can we ban referring to women as "just holes"? This isn't the 1950s..

 

It's a figure of speech, it's how he saw me. And 2015 or 1950 it's offensive, that was my point.

 

It was meant to show he didn't see me as a person at all.

 

But thanks for the support

[anika99]

Edited - can we ban referring to women as "just holes"? This isn't the 1950s..

 

Nobody referred to women as just holes. The OP was talking about her specific situation and her specific MM. She should be able to recount her personal experience in whatever terms she wishes to use. Just because this isn't the 1950s doesn't mean there aren't still men out there who use women for sex. The OP's MM certainly seems to be one. Did you think mysigony and sexism ended when the 50s ended?

 

OP I know this new info hurts but that will pass and one day you will just be grateful that you didn't wind up with him. We all have childhood issues, that's no excuse for being a terrible selfish human being. He probably tries to hold onto all the women he's been involved with because he has a bottomless pit of needing attention from the opposite sex. A guy I was seeing a couple of years ago turned out to be a total womanizer and when I figured that out I stopped seeing him. He kept contacting me for about a year after that trying to get me back into his little harem. I didn't understand why since I was only one of many and now I don't care why, I'm just glad I had the sense to end it with him as soon as I found out. I think a younger me may have wanted to keep seeing him and wanted to compete for him but the older wiser me quickly realized that he was no prize worth competing for.

[Criedallout]

Nobody referred to women as just holes. The OP was talking about her specific situation and her specific MM. She should be able to recount her personal experience in whatever terms she wishes to use. Just because this isn't the 1950s doesn't mean there aren't still men out there who use women for sex. The OP's MM certainly seems to be one. Did you think mysigony and sexism ended when the 50s ended?

 

OP I know this new info hurts but that will pass and one day you will just be grateful that you didn't wind up with him. We all have childhood issues, that's no excuse for being a terrible selfish human being. He probably tries to hold onto all the women he's been involved with because he has a bottomless pit of needing attention from the opposite sex. A guy I was seeing a couple of years ago turned out to be a total womanizer and when I figured that out I stopped seeing him. He kept contacting me for about a year after that trying to get me back into his little harem. I didn't understand why since I was only one of many and now I don't care why, I'm just glad I had the sense to end it with him as soon as I found out. I think a younger me may have wanted to keep seeing him and wanted to compete for him but the older wiser me quickly realized that he was no prize worth competing for.

 

THIS 100 TIMES. Thank you for this Anika. I have read it every day when I get the urge to contact him.

 

Your point about not understanding why they come back when they have many is exactly something I wonder.

 

It hurts to know someone can treat people like that. Sometimes when I'm sad I do think how amazing it would be to gather these woman in a room and invite EXMM OVER unknowingly. I know who a few are but I'm to the point I don't care much but it's still a thought that gets me through the moments when I do.

 

Thank you your words help tremendously

[anika99]

Awww Criedallout, I hope you feel better soon. It's normal to obsess over the whys at the end of a relationship. You want to keep asking the ex more and more questions but nothing they say will actually help or ease the pain. The best way forward is really no contact.

[Eagle's-bargain]

Awww Criedallout, I hope you feel better soon. It's normal to obsess over the whys at the end of a relationship. You want to keep asking the ex more and more questions but nothing they say will actually help or ease the pain. The best way forward is really no contact.

 

??? How do you know that's the best way?...

[eye of the storm]

??? How do you know that's the best way?...

 

Because continuing the contact delays healing and moving on. In addition, it usually causes more damage.

[Eagle's-bargain]

Because continuing the contact delays healing and moving on. In addition, it usually causes more damage.

 

That's a matter of an opinion, which all things considering and all - allegedly - due respect to all parties, is relatively open to interpretation.

 

I almost exclusively look only into this subforum, as being an OM (and for some OW) applies to me. I'm not against another person's opinion, although I do not think it's unfair to ask another person if their opinion is based on person experience within the realm of the commentary they are giving.

 

It would be discouraging to hear about infidelity advice from a virgin.

Or addiction from drinking, from a person who never has consumed alcohol.

 

Why should I expect anything less?

[eye of the storm]

That's a matter of an opinion, which all things considering and all - allegedly - due respect to all parties, is relatively open to interpretation.

 

I almost exclusively look only into this subforum, as being an OM (and for some OW) applies to me. I'm not against another person's opinion, although I do not think it's unfair to ask another person if their opinion is based on person experience within the realm of the commentary they are giving.

 

It would be discouraging to hear about infidelity advice from a virgin.

Or addiction from drinking, from a person who never has consumed alcohol.

 

Why should I expect anything less?

 

My advice here is based on experience. I was a BS and I'm doing my best to recover my stint as an OW in an A. I'm nowhere near being a virgin and have drank copious amounts of booze too.

 

I am also doing my best to listen to people like anika99 so I can learn, heal, and move on. You wouldn't tell an addict to just cut down but usage is ok, and As are just as addictive.

[Eagle's-bargain]

@

....

 

I don't mean you personally, as my comment was originally intended for a specific audience.