Jump to content

Went NC, now he's filed...


Recommended Posts

So, from my previous posts and to keep it short, I was dating a MM who was a pathological liar. To the point where I thought he faked a heart attack (he didn't, I ended up being there when his doctor rounded on him and got the entire back story the day I went NC on him) and might have made up his daughters suicide (his sister in a rant to me because I'm the evil one mentioned it, so I know that's true too).

 

Regardless, I considered the relationship broken, him cake eating and so I ended it 2 weeks ago and went NC -- while he was still in the hospital.

 

Since then, he has filed for divorce (sent me copies of the papers via work email and I was able to confirm on the online docket) and moved into an apartment. I've held fast on the NC but for work purposes, but of course I am starting to question it because my line was always "get your $(@& together and then we can talk".

 

I guess this is what we tend to want in the end, but could the relationship be too broken to even salvage?? I definitely want to wait until the divorce is final to break NC, but I feel like this has set me on a spin again. Did I do the right thing? Should I wait? Do I even know who I thought I was in love with?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Eagle's-bargain

I'm happy you took the time to post here. It can be difficult.

As far as my opinion is concerned, I believe the following:

 

The only affair that works is people openly exposing themselves and saying,

 

"Yes we're having an affair.

And yes, we're going to move on with our lives together, and yes we're going to accept those consequences."

 

This is the only time I think an affair can work, but it requires the affair to evolve from something disgusting and into something meaningful.

Link to post
Share on other sites
So, from my previous posts and to keep it short, I was dating a MM who was a pathological liar. To the point where I thought he faked a heart attack (he didn't, I ended up being there when his doctor rounded on him and got the entire back story the day I went NC on him) and might have made up his daughters suicide (his sister in a rant to me because I'm the evil one mentioned it, so I know that's true too).

 

Regardless, I considered the relationship broken, him cake eating and so I ended it 2 weeks ago and went NC -- while he was still in the hospital.

 

Since then, he has filed for divorce (sent me copies of the papers via work email and I was able to confirm on the online docket) and moved into an apartment. I've held fast on the NC but for work purposes, but of course I am starting to question it because my line was always "get your $(@& together and then we can talk".

 

I guess this is what we tend to want in the end, but could the relationship be too broken to even salvage?? I definitely want to wait until the divorce is final to break NC, but I feel like this has set me on a spin again. Did I do the right thing? Should I wait? Do I even know who I thought I was in love with?

 

You absolutely did the right thing. Look at the bolded. Why be with someone who can lie so easily. You have a chance to find a healthy person why try to connect again with an unhealthy one? I think in A's we like to project what we want onto that person and look past all the red flags.

 

I think you should stay NC.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you need to really break things down and don't get too blinded by the fact he filed. He is still the same person and while filing is an action it isn't the be all and end all.

 

If this was a guy you met now, would you want to date him? There seems to be a lot of issues he needs to address and really work on himself before you consider dating to him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
amomwhoknows
I think you need to really break things down and don't get too blinded by the fact he filed. He is still the same person and while filing is an action it isn't the be all and end all.

 

If this was a guy you met now, would you want to date him? There seems to be a lot of issues he needs to address and really work on himself before you consider dating to him.

 

Take a big step back, and describe him to yourself in your head they way you would to a girlfriend --- and then what would you advise a good friend.

 

Because he is, as you say, a pathological liar, that is a huge red flag.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm happy you took the time to post here. It can be difficult.

As far as my opinion is concerned, I believe the following:

 

The only affair that works is people openly exposing themselves and saying,

 

"Yes we're having an affair.

And yes, we're going to move on with our lives together, and yes we're going to accept those consequences."

 

This is the only time I think an affair can work, but it requires the affair to evolve from something disgusting and into something meaningful.

 

Openly exposing themselves to others? I would completely disagree with this. It isn't anyone's business, and people tend to be too judgmental about this kind of thing. Not everything in the world needs to be broadcast publicly. I also take issue with calling all affairs disgusting. Too much generalization. While I don't think they're a very good idea, disgusting is not part of the rationale.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You're doing the right thing by not diving back in at this point. Lots of people file for divorce and end up getting back together.

 

I don't know if you're making a mistake with him or not. If nothing else, he sure is surrounded by a lot of drama. I don't know the whole story but I do know that every time I've ever ignored my instincts about a guy, I ended up regretting it. Listen to your instincts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Eagle's-bargain
Openly exposing themselves to others? I would completely disagree with this. It isn't anyone's business, and people tend to be too judgmental about this kind of thing. Not everything in the world needs to be broadcast publicly. I also take issue with calling all affairs disgusting. Too much generalization. While I don't think they're a very good idea, disgusting is not part of the rationale.

 

In other words, I believe that people shouldn't hide from their family and friends an affair after exposed. Do I believe people should walk up to their boss and talk about it? Hell no.

 

Are affairs disgusting? Yes they are. At some point most of them started off with deception and lack of communication, or corruption of morals. This is disgusting to me. Your mileage may vary.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...