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Laying the cards on the table before going NC?


imperfectangel

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imperfectangel

My MM and I go back and fourth but I'm getting to the usual it's all or nothing phase.

 

I am very much in love with him. I believe on some level he does love me (it's been 17 years) but I don't believe he will ever leave.

 

I have tried going NC many times before as us OW do, I try my hardest to hate him then feel bad for being hard on him and crawl back to him

 

I'm making myself ill. When we fall out he will ignore me for weeks and I find this incredibly emotionally manipulative.

 

I have started to type out a email to him, telling him how I feel and that if he truly wants me he needs to show me that.

 

To anyone who has done this, is it worth it? I'm not sure I can handle the rejection I know I'll recieved from either his reply or his silence. I just don't feel I can truly go NC without knowing I've given it my best shot and done all I can do.

 

My head is a mess and my heart hurts. Either way I cannot live like this anymore

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My MM and I go back and fourth but I'm getting to the usual it's all or nothing phase.

 

I am very much in love with him. I believe on some level he does love me (it's been 17 years) but I don't believe he will ever leave.

 

I have tried going NC many times before as us OW do, I try my hardest to hate him then feel bad for being hard on him and crawl back to him

 

I'm making myself ill. When we fall out he will ignore me for weeks and I find this incredibly emotionally manipulative.

 

I have started to type out a email to him, telling him how I feel and that if he truly wants me he needs to show me that.

 

To anyone who has done this, is it worth it? I'm not sure I can handle the rejection I know I'll recieved from either his reply or his silence. I just don't feel I can truly go NC without knowing I've given it my best shot and done all I can do.

 

My head is a mess and my heart hurts. Either way I cannot live like this anymore

 

When you say "crawl back to him," do you reach out and go back or does he reach out to you to take him back? Sounds like you have done this enough times with the same results. I doubt his reaction will be any different this time around. Why keep reopening this wound? Rip that bandaid right off. Getting away from the constant emotional turmoil and working towards a peaceful and healthy life for yourself is well worth the short term pain of ending it!

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imperfectangel

He will do something that annoys me. I will tell him I've had enough then a few days later I'll regret what I said and start messaging him. Rinse and repeat.

 

I want to tell him how I feel though. That way I know I did all I could.

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He will do something that annoys me. I will tell him I've had enough then a few days later I'll regret what I said and start messaging him. Rinse and repeat.

 

I want to tell him how I feel though. That way I know I did all I could.

 

I've told the MM how I feel. I wrote it all down in a well thought about email... I wrote how much it hurts that we barely see each other anymore etc etc, it doesn't really matter what you write I suppose. Anyway, I ended the email with that it's probably best for him if he never hears from me again (because he always feels 'guilty' so he says but I highly doubt that that's true).

 

His reply? He wrote that he read my email with tears in his eyes but then at the same time he wished me well and said a few more things in that email. Which got me all confused again...

 

And made me respond to him AGAIN.

And that way it all got back to the same again, namely the MM making no effort whatsoever to spend time with me despite telling me that he 'misses' me, 'thinks about me much' and 'I will come see you soon'.

 

So this time I've decided to just STOP responding to his emails. Because like you wrote , OP, a few days later you'll regret what you said. Same here. I figured I can as well say nothing and let my actions speak for itself.

 

What are the reasons that you want to end it? Surely he knows by now what the issues are ? In a way I do feel glad about my first email because I told him exactly how I feel. I don't know, it's complicated :(

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imperfectangel

I don't want to end it at all. BUT I can't live like this anymore. We hardly ever see each (long distance) I hardly hear from him and he never calls me all because he doesn't have "time".

 

I am completely in love with him apparently he feels the same but chances are he won't do anything. I know he won't do anything. But at least I know I've done all I can.

 

I want him to be with me but he has to want that too. I can't make a relationship by myself

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I want to tell him how I feel though. That way I know I did all I could.

 

17 years of your life and I'm sure he knows how you feel. Cut the chord. Go silent.

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I did the whole trying to end it with closure and it's been a mess. I made the mistake of texting him afterward and he used it as one last ploy to make me feel like the terrible person in all of this. I came out feeling worse than I ever have in my life.

 

If your gonna do it, stick to it and make sure you mean it. I sent him one last text trying to at least be civil and trying to be the bigger person. I felt like even though he treated me so badly, I respected him enough to give him that. He never responded. And here i sit. He came out on top and I'm left to pick up the pieces of my life.

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imperfectangel

I sent it last night. As yet no reply. He is a coward and if he wants to stay married that is his choice.

 

I feel sort of at peace now. There's nothing left for me to do or say the ball is in his court for a few days at least (he's a "thinker" so might need "space" to think lol)

 

I'm not playing these games anymore enough is enough

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I sent it last night. As yet no reply. He is a coward and if he wants to stay married that is his choice.

 

I feel sort of at peace now. There's nothing left for me to do or say the ball is in his court for a few days at least (he's a "thinker" so might need "space" to think lol)

 

I'm not playing these games anymore enough is enough

 

 

I hope your serious. If I had maintained NC the FIRST time I initiated it, I wold have over a year down. But I gave in and now this hurts worse than all those other times. Make sure you mean what you say because he will pick it apart and once you give in there is no going back. I know first hand. I look like a weak, foolish, desperate loser and he comes out the winner. It's not a pretty place to sit but I'm forced to live with my terrible, irreversible decision.

 

I hope you find the strength to keep true to all the things you told him in the letter. If your not living like this anymore, don't let him manipulate you into chAnging your mind.

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You should never have sent the email. You want closure, you want a response. You have now given over your power to him, and exposed yourself to the vulnerable position of him knowing your deepest thoughts about him and the relationship. You will regret it when you don't get what you want from it..

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imperfectangel

No he knows how I feel now. He has complained to me before that I wasn't clear with what I wanted. Well now he knows. He can't blame me anymore.

 

If he wants me he needs to man up and show me that he wants me.

 

I need my life back if it's with him great if not I can move on now

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No he knows how I feel now. He has complained to me before that I wasn't clear with what I wanted. Well now he knows. He can't blame me anymore.

 

If he wants me he needs to man up and show me that he wants me.

 

I need my life back if it's with him great if not I can move on now

 

 

I had many moments where I felt powerful and felt like I was ready to reclaim my life but I always allowed MM to weasel his way back in. No matter what I did he always found a way to make me change my mind. Just be prepared for anything. These guys are a special breed of people and they do whatever they have too to ensure they come out on top.

 

I really believed a part of my MM loved me. But his cruel silence to me trying to get some positive closure just solidifies that I was nothing to him. It's a very hard pill to swallow when you realize you were never good enough. It's an even harder pill to swallow when you realize your feelings were genuine and theirs were nothing but lies.

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I just realized you have been seeing MM for 17 years....

 

I am stunned. I thought 2 years was a long time. Ouch!

 

I give you props for being as strong as you are. I don't think I would be as strong as you are after that long.

 

I don't want to discourage you but your healing journey is gonna be a long one.

 

How have you held out this long? I was Terrible at being the OW. I'm not cut out for that kind of life.

 

I have spent the last 2 years feeling like I was worthless and unworthy.

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imperfectangel

I have known him since I was 14, him 15. We haven't been in a affair for 17 years (8 year A) I moved away when I was 17 and we couldn't see each other. I didn't know he got married until after the event.

 

Really his actions show me that I am not his choice however I have never been clear to him what I actually wanted for fear of scaring him off.

 

If he ultimately rejects me I'll be extremely upset (I had depression after I found out he was married and again when I found out about his first child that he never told me about) but I can survive.

 

I don't want to be his ow forever I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than live like this

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imperfectangel
What kind of things did you write to him, imperfectangel? (if you don't mind sharing)

 

 

I told him that I wanted us to be together. Previously he told me he didn't think I loved him enough for us to be together - he couldn't be more wrong! I told him that I wanted to go to bed with him every night and wake up with him every morning. I am completely in love with him. He has no room to doubt me now. I told him I don't expect things to change straight away - I understand it's Christmas soon he has two small children so I get that but that I can't carry on like this.

 

He hasn't replied. I'm not surprised. I'm sure he'll reappear at some point but if he's not even thinking about leaving then I'm not interested

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I think he was playing games with you when he told you that he didn't think you loved him enough for you two to be together. It makes you want to work harder and harder and harder at it doesn't it... to prove that your love really IS that strong whereas it's probably HIS 'love' for you that isn't that strong.

Well, at least now you know for yourself that you've tried and that there isn't really anything else that you could have done. I hate it that he hasn't responded to you , I know what that feels like. Hugs to you!! Hope you feel better soon xoxo

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I sent it last night. As yet no reply. He is a coward and if he wants to stay married that is his choice.

 

I feel sort of at peace now. There's nothing left for me to do or say the ball is in his court for a few days at least (he's a "thinker" so might need "space" to think lol)

 

I'm not playing these games anymore enough is enough

 

Now write a letter to yourself. Be radically honest and tell yourself what you want and need.

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imperfectangel

I am upset I'm not going to lie. He's hurt me a lot like my heart actually, physically hurts.

 

I have thought about disclosing to his wife but it wouldn't be fair at least doing it just because he didn't pick me isn't right and I wouldn't want to inflict someone else with pain just because I'm hurt.

 

I can't be his ow anymore I can't say how hard it is watching the person you feel you should be with live their life with someone else.

 

I am upset he hasn't replied at least even to say he doesn't feel the same but I can't make him contact me I can't make him want me

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lookingforclosure
I am upset I'm not going to lie. He's hurt me a lot like my heart actually, physically hurts.

 

I have thought about disclosing to his wife but it wouldn't be fair at least doing it just because he didn't pick me isn't right and I wouldn't want to inflict someone else with pain just because I'm hurt.

 

I can't be his ow anymore I can't say how hard it is watching the person you feel you should be with live their life with someone else.

 

I am upset he hasn't replied at least even to say he doesn't feel the same but I can't make him contact me I can't make him want me

 

I do know how you are feeling...BELIEVE me. He has chose to fight for his wife even though she has moved out. I made the mistake of loosing it with my xMM, turned it around on me as childish behavior and has basically now blamed everything that has happened on me. I received the most condescending, demeaning, hurtful text from him two weeks ago. Stating I was unfortunately the wrong type of influence in his life and he was oblivious for far too long. He wants his life back and is moving on to hopefully rebuild what he has lost. So I know how it feels, of course I only dealt with it for two years...but long enough for the pain to hit hard. I almost wonder if I had never sent that text going off on him if he would still be trying to win his W back?? Who btw he has NEVER told the truth to her about our A

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imperfectangel

I can't speak for your MM but I think mine worries too much about what others think. He clearly wants to be seen as a great family man etc he admitted to me himself he's a lazy parent how lazy who knows but if I honestly thought that about myself I'd be getting off my butt and spending time with them not travelling 2 hrs to see a ow.

 

Anyway I'm going off topic. They are selfish. All I want is closure tbh I feel like I need him to end it. Not just by ignoring me but by manning up and telling me how it is. I don't think he does that as he wants to keep his options open and do what's best for #1.

 

I've been on this forum for around 4 years. Different people come and go but virtually all married men, maybe 99.9999% are all the same. Everyone wants to be the exception of the rule, to know that they meant something etc hardly anyone is

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I don't want to end it at all. BUT I can't live like this anymore. We hardly ever see each (long distance) I hardly hear from him and he never calls me all because he doesn't have "time".

 

I am completely in love with him apparently he feels the same but chances are he won't do anything. I know he won't do anything. But at least I know I've done all I can.

 

I want him to be with me but he has to want that too. I can't make a relationship by myself

 

Angel: what is it that has you so in love with him? I don't mean that in a cruel way, but rather that it might be a good idea to ask yourself that question and understand why you pursue an unavailable man who does not do even the minimum necessary to sustain the relationship. He does not make time for you, you do not see each other, he does not call you, and you rarely hear from him. Given the young age at which this relationship started, I wonder if you may be imagining him to be something and someone that he isn't.

 

You are still a young woman. You have time to move on from this experience, heal, and then find love with an available man who will make time for you, keep in touch, and prioritize you.

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imperfectangel
Angel: what is it that has you so in love with him? I don't mean that in a cruel way, but rather that it might be a good idea to ask yourself that question and understand why you pursue an unavailable man who does not do even the minimum necessary to sustain the relationship. He does not make time for you, you do not see each other, he does not call you, and you rarely hear from him. Given the young age at which this relationship started, I wonder if you may be imagining him to be something and someone that he isn't.

 

You are still a young woman. You have time to move on from this experience, heal, and then find love with an available man who will make time for you, keep in touch, and prioritize you.

 

I think you are correct. I'm almost certain due to the distance etc I have created a certain "image" for him to live up to. This is what has me conflicted. To the outside world his is a hard working family man, he is reliable, honest, saving for his future etc. He has "it all". Apparently. But then I realise he is lying not just to me but to everyone around him.

 

It is a 2.5-3 hour round trip to see me. He has lied to people to cover his tracks etc I have called him fake and a liar which he says isn't nice but it IS true at least from my perspective

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