Lovetoohard Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) Hi all, ExMM and I work together. Long story short, a couple of people found out at work due to his angry and hostile post-breakup behavior towards me. I basically told them because I was seeking guidance on how to handle my workflow. He found out they know and was even more upset. Weeks passed and we reverted to being cordial at work. I attempted a friendship but quickly realized that was not healthy for me so I cut off all contact. That said, there was still one lingering issue between is that needed to be resolved - we had taken a nice trip together and I had put the whole thing on my credit card as we was financially strapped for cash and said he would pay it back at a later time. He had mentioned him owing me money even post breakup so he knows he does. Well, over the course of the last month, I have made reasonable attempts at asking for it back politely (couple of emails to his personal email acct and couple of calls). He has ignored all attempts. Our mutual work friend attempted to mediate and that pissed him off even more. He denies that we took the trip and that he owes me his portion (delusional much?). He even came to my office and told me to "stop walking around the office acting like he was some kind of a monster." When I politely asked that we not discuss personal matters in my office, he said I need to stop talking, stop harassing him (4 attempts at reaching for the money...seriously?!?) and that I brought all this on myself. I kicked him out of my office and told him to never speak to me again. It's so upsetting that a man could take advantage of a woman like this....over money?!? Really tacky. I was so upset, I did tell a couple of people at the office of his lack of integrity and called his W but hung up. For the sake of my own sanity, I have decided to drop it. Edited September 27, 2015 by Lovetoohard Added Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 I see that you have two choices: - Take him to small claims court - and have the entire business aired publicly, or - Chalk it up to a hard lesson learned and forget about the funds. Personally, I'd go for the latter. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovetoohard Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) I see that you have two choices: - Take him to small claims court - and have the entire business aired publicly, or - Chalk it up to a hard lesson learned and forget about the funds. Personally, I'd go for the latter. I'm going for the latter. It's not worth the hassle of dragging is ass to court. He is a professional and has a really respectable position so it's not necessarily about the money. Any ideas as to why he's doing this? Control? Revenge? Hurt? Edited September 27, 2015 by Lovetoohard Add 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) I would absolutely drag his ass to court - on principle. You paid for that trip in good faith, regardless of the nature of your relationship. That's not what's in question here. You fronted the money on his word he'd pay you back. That was the agreement, regardless if you've gone your separate ways.. You say you also have follow up emails/texts where he also mentions that he know he owes you the money. You already know getting involved with his lying, cheating ass is a regret you'll own and have to deal with. But I don't see why that also means you have to foot the financial loss on TOP of it. I'd send him a certified letter letting him know he has whatever time constraint you decide is fair (1 month? 2 weeks?) to pay you what he owes you - in FULL - or you'll have no choice but to seek the money legally. I'd never let him get away with that bullsh*t. Not on my dime. Since he's probably a sniveling little coward and is petrified the wife will find out who she really married, he'll probably try to work a deal with you in private when he realizes you're serious. And you should be. Edited September 27, 2015 by Lois_Griffin 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovetoohard Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 I would absolutely drag his ass to court - on principle. You paid for that trip in good faith, regardless of the nature of your relationship. That's not what's in question here. You fronted the money on his word he'd pay you back. That was the agreement, regardless if you've gone your separate ways.. You say you also have follow up emails/texts where he also mentions that he know he owes you the money. You already know getting involved with his lying, cheating ass is a regret you'll own and have to deal with. But I don't see why that also means you have to foot the financial loss on TOP of it. I'd send him a certified letter letting him know he has whatever time constraint you decide is fair (1 month? 2 weeks?) to pay you what he owes you - in FULL - or you'll have no choice but to seek the money legally. I'd never let him get away with that bullsh*t. Not on my dime. Since he's probably a sniveling little coward and is petrified the wife will find out who she really married, he'll probably try to work a deal with you in private when he realizes you're serious. And you should be. Unfortunately, he only verbally said he owes me money. He never responded to my emails, so a claim isn't going to hold up in court. On one hand, I have a strong desire to blow up his marriage by asking his wife for it, on the other hand, I think the coward's house of cards will come crashing down by his own doing and without me being a catalyst. Trust me, based on principle, this is really eating away at me and I might tell a few more people at work, because I'm still angry, but karma is a wonderful thing. In due course, he will get what he deserves and I walk away with a clear conscience and by being the bigger person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) LOL...believe it or not, I sued my ex-H in small claims court. Yup, I did. I was a nice guy and had paid some of the bills for a few things when he and I first separated and started our divorce. I did that for him because they were all in my name and I didn't want my credit ruined, but they were HIS bills so he owed me for paying them. He had crap credit so his car and the house and his motorcycle were all in y name. I was being nice and NOT forcing the sale of any of them - I was helping him get loans with his bad credit to take over all these things. he should have been kissing my ass, if you ask me. Instead, he let our auto insurance lapse (he was supposed to pay it until his car and motorcycle were in his name, then I'd get my own policy) and I had to pay $600 to reinstate it. Then he kept making late payments on everything and was starting to ruin my sterling credit rating. After I found out he hadn't paid a couple of the utilities in my name (I guess no good deed goes unpunished since I was also giving him time to switch them over as well) I had to quickly pay them or suffer the financial ruin from that, as well. And I hadn't been living there for a few months, so there HIS bills, not ours. By the time this sh*it show was over, I'd laid out over $1,000 to keep my credit in good standing. I was DONE. When asking him (like you've been doing) to pay back the money I'd laid out in good faith for him got me nowhere, I went down to the courthouse and filed papers to sue him in small claims. I never had one single thing in writing from him. Not one. Just all verbal agreements. I was fully prepared to give him a verbal beat-down in court but he didn't show the day of the case, the dumbass. Automatic judgment for me. I then enacted a Writ of Execution which sent the local sheriff out to his house to start taking inventory of his stuff so it could be sold at public auction to raise the funds to pay me back. When he came out the next morning he found notices slapped on his Harley and his car that they were to be sold at an upcoming public auction to raise the funds he owes me by law. The dumbass went down tot he courthouse the next day and wrote me a check in full - AND that amount also had to include the $250 I'd paid for the Writ of Execution. And I'd do it again if anyone else ever screws me. Worth every penny. A verbal agreement is good enough. Edited September 27, 2015 by Lois_Griffin 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 As tempting as it would be to haul his ass into court I think I would just let sleeping dogs lie. It sounds like it is best for you to move on from this disaster affair. Of course you can always just go to the wife and say "POS owes me this money, and he won't pay", but from the way he is acting towards you I bet he is one of those " OW is crazy" men. Sorry you are in this situation, but it is a lesson well learned! I lent a friend $75 out of kindness and he burned me. I know that feeling of humiliation. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 I think it would be best to stop talking about it at work. It is no ones business. Theres an even better option and that is to begin seeking a new job if you can. In the meantime keep your head down and only work. Maybe some day after all the dust and anger settles he will feel guilty. Living well is your best revenge. Stop engaging and talking about him and the situation. Its over now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovetoohard Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 As angry and upset as I was about it, I am at peace with it. It's not worth the emotional turmoil. More importantly, it's not worth me damaging my professional reputation over. I am the bigger person and I know that I would never do this to anyone and that makes me feel like a really good person. As far as the jerk feeling any guilt at some point in the future, I am not convinced that he even knows what guilt means. He lacks empathy and obviously, if he was able to run around behind his wife's back...the mother of his children...without any hesitation, what can I expect of him? He is a empty shell of a man and that in and of itself is his punishment. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Stop airing your dirty laundry to people at work. You are damaging you're own reputation as much as you are damaging his. People won't say anything to your face but they make their own silent judgements about you which can affect your future career. You spent your own money to take the married man you were having affair with on a romantic trip. That doesn't actually make you a sympathetic character and you shouldn't be so eager to tell everyone about it. You want people to know about his lack of integrity but that story makes it look like you lack integrity too. First by having an affair with a man you knew was married with children, second by talking nasty about him at work. Take him to small claims court or ask his wife for the money or just take the loss but act like a professional at work. Drop the double standard where you require that he not discuss personal matters in your office while you are free to be as unprofessional as you please. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 I agree with Anika on the first part, but I'd let the money go. It's a good lesson and I wouldn't fret over who is the bigger person or better person. That's just another form of hanging on, being attached. I'd just let this all go and not speak to people about it. There's no winning or winner- except getting out and being truly done with it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovetoohard Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 I agree with Anika on the first part, but I'd let the money go. It's a good lesson and I wouldn't fret over who is the bigger person or better person. That's just another form of hanging on, being attached. I'd just let this all go and not speak to people about it. There's no winning or winner- except getting out and being truly done with it. Agreed. I do feel really guilty for outing us when he was acting like a jerk in the office when I broke up with him. Maybe I got what I deserved in betraying him. I didn't think it through and was simply concerned about my ability to do my job and work with him. As I cool off, I am starting to gain a better perspective. He bahaved immaturely and I stooped to that level and fired right back. Both parties guilty. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Gently, when you knowingly get involved with a married man and help him betray his wife....you shouldn't be all that surprised when he doesn't follow through with his promises. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Gently, when you knowingly get involved with a married man and help him betray his wife....you shouldn't be all that surprised when he doesn't follow through with his promises. Absolutely, in fact I think this should be the disclaimer read before contemplating dating a M or a separated man. It is a very big risk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Agreed. I do feel really guilty for outing us when he was acting like a jerk in the office when I broke up with him. Maybe I got what I deserved in betraying him. I didn't think it through and was simply concerned about my ability to do my job and work with him. As I cool off, I am starting to gain a better perspective. He bahaved immaturely and I stooped to that level and fired right back. Both parties guilty. It's okay I wouldn't get so caught up on that part. We all are human and these things tend to get emotional. I would just focus on your healing and move on to a better life for yourself. Think of it as a lesson learned. Don't date a M man again. They are usually just out for themselves anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 Obviously I cant hold my tongue here. I have a few points on lending money from 3 points of view: personal. legal. emotional Personal: if you ever lend someone money, assume you will never get it back, and ask yourself if you can live with that. If you should decide to go forward and it is a small amount (under £1,500) An email from your personal to their personal saying something like "I know you want to go on this holiday with me and for both of us is £3,000. That means you are borrowing £1500 for your part of the trip. In order to be able to do that so as not to hurt myself financially, can you write me back and let me know by what date you could pay me back for the loan?" If they respond in the affirmative in writing from their own personal email account, you have a form of a promissory note. That is all that would be required to secure a judgment in a small claims court. Legal: if there is no form of promissory note, you need evidence. Is his name on hotel booking? flights? photos of the 2 of you together? drag up all the evidence and you probably will win. Stop telling one more person about him being delinquent on the loan unless you take it to court and win. if you don't take it to court, or take it to court and lose, you can be looking at a slander claim Emotional: don't ever lend anyone money. it always ends up in tears. what is the amount? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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