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Jealous about me, but not jealous about his wife????


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First, I want to start by saying that he is an EXMM (read: we are no longer in contact).

 

But, my memory was jogged about something that happened that I found so odd and maybe some light can be shed on it by you folks.

 

I used to observe xMM's wife flirting like crazy with another man on FB. I mean it was overt and downright disrespectful to xMM, yet xMM would never comment or say anything (even when tagged). Yet her flirting continued on and on and xMM would never show any signs of being jealous or upset. He acted like he didn't care at all and wasn't phased (which I found odd).

 

BUT, when it came to me, someone who was not his wife, meaning I didn't even belong to him, he acted so paranoid and jealous that I would be interested in another guy. I mean, any little sign or word I said that even hinted at it, he would point it out and question me. He suspicions were always up, and I would always deny it (which was true). He would seem relieved when I reassured him, and I was never interested in anyone else so it was true. It was the epitome of the behavior of a jealous person, and I understood it from that perspective, but what I did not understand is why he didn't seem to act the same way with his wife? Any ideas? I think maybe he felt less control of her and maybe gave up and decided to pretend like he never saw it, because she was seriously blatant in his face with it.

Edited by Popsicle
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Maybe it has to do with the context of their R. I used to have a very friendly/flirty coworker who flirted outrageously with other women besides his wife. There was almost no boundary he wouldn't cross verbally. But, it was always out in the open in front of others and/or his wife who usually just laughed at him like everyone else.

 

 

I think she wasn't jealous because there was nothing to be jealous about. He was never known to cheat on her and they had a great marriage from what I could tell. They were both friends with all the people he flirted with and had been for many years. Additionally, the targets of his flirtations were not known as cheaters either. So, it always just seemed good, not so clean all the time, fun.

 

 

As for jealousy toward you, he knew you would get tired of what he was offering and leave or look elsewhere.

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There was also the issue of out of the blue asking me if I had my kids when I was married or if I had them out of wedlock. I felt like he asked me that so he could judge me negatively if my answer was that I had them out of wedlock. It was something about his tone. I had my kids when I was married and told him that, but I just couldn't understand why that even mattered considering that he married his wife when she had a kid out of wedlock by some other man.

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Maybe it has to do with the context of their R. I used to have a very friendly/flirty coworker who flirted outrageously with other women besides his wife. There was almost no boundary he wouldn't cross verbally. But, it was always out in the open in front of others and/or his wife who usually just laughed at him like everyone else.

 

 

I think she wasn't jealous because there was nothing to be jealous about. He was never known to cheat on her and they had a great marriage from what I could tell. They were both friends with all the people he flirted with and had been for many years. Additionally, the targets of his flirtations were not known as cheaters either. So, it always just seemed good, not so clean all the time, fun.

 

And now that you mention it, my parents actually have friends like this. They flirt like mad and always have but have been married for like 50 years.

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He might really love you....although it does not matter since you said he is ex-MM.

 

First, I want to start by saying that he is an EXMM (read: we are no longer in contact).

 

But, my memory was jogged about something that happened that I found so odd and maybe some light can be shed on it by you folks.

 

I used to observe xMM's wife flirting like crazy with another man on FB. I mean it was overt and downright disrespectful to xMM, yet xMM would never comment or say anything (even when tagged). Yet her flirting continued on and on and xMM would never show any signs of being jealous or upset. He acted like he didn't care at all and wasn't phased (which I found odd).

 

BUT, when it came to me, someone who was not his wife, meaning I didn't even belong to him, he acted so paranoid and jealous that I would be interested in another guy. I mean, any little sign or word I said that even hinted at it, he would point it out and question me. He suspicions were always up, and I would always deny it (which was true). He would seem relieved when I reassured him, and I was never interested in anyone else so it was true. It was the epitome of the behavior of a jealous person, and I understood it from that perspective, but what I did not understand is why he didn't seem to act the same way with his wife? Any ideas? I think maybe he felt less control of her and maybe gave up and decided to pretend like he never saw it, because she was seriously blatant in his face with it.

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If he's trying to be in an affair with you, would he act all jealous over his wife in front of you? Wouldn't that have made you feel like he still wanted his wife? Why would he do that? You really have no idea what he said to her about it behind closed doors.

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He was having an affair with you - how would being jealous of his wife actually have made any sense?

He was already cheating on her, so objecting to her flirting with others would have just put the hypocritical cherry on the cake...

 

Wouldn't it...?

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There was also the issue of out of the blue asking me if I had my kids when I was married or if I had them out of wedlock. I felt like he asked me that so he could judge me negatively if my answer was that I had them out of wedlock. It was something about his tone. I had my kids when I was married and told him that, but I just couldn't understand why that even mattered considering that he married his wife when she had a kid out of wedlock by some other man.

It's actually even more comical when you consider the guy was a lying cheater looking to judge someone else. Talk about arrogant. :rolleyes:

 

It's very possible he didn't feel threated by the outrageous flirting because as others said, maybe there's a long-time dynamic going on there where his wife and this guy have always played it up like that. I also agree with the statement that you're probably the last one on EARTH he'd admit anything to with regard to being jealous about it.

 

And I see his territorial behavior as typical; most MM don't want other dogs playing with their toys. As was mentioned, he knew he had nothing to offer you whereas single men you met actually DID, so he made sure to protect his interests, is all.

Edited by Lois_Griffin
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I would think she would have stopped if he was upset. Like really bothered. But the flirting went on and on and got more blatant and it was so odd that he never responded, even when tagged,but he responded to everyone else, even on the same day. It seemed like a cry for attention from her to him maybe (or not and she just really liked the other guy). I have other reasons to think that he and wife ignored each other too, but they probably were just comfortable with that dynamic and thats how it always has been.

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It's actually even more comical when you consider the guy was a lying cheater looking to judge someone else. Talk about arrogant. :rolleyes:

 

I definitely felt judged.

 

But he had kids too, so I was so confused why he even asked...

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He trusted her- I know before dday I never gave a second thought to any flirtation by or with my husband. I trusted him.

 

Oooooh good point!

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Hi Popsicle.

 

 

I may have an alternative view on this but I want to ask you 2 things first.

 

 

(you can tell me to piss off if you want)

 

 

1. in appearance are you more attractive than his wife and a little or a lot?

 

 

2. besides your children what is your most valuable/ favourite/most loved possession ?

 

 

(I don't think people are possessions but you get the idea)

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Hi Popsicle.

 

 

I may have an alternative view on this but I want to ask you 2 things first.

 

 

(you can tell me to piss off if you want)

 

 

1. in appearance are you more attractive than his wife and a little or a lot?

 

 

2. besides your children what is your most valuable/ favourite/most loved possession ?

 

 

(I don't think people are possessions but you get the idea)

 

Hi NL

 

1. I'd say we're the same overall.

 

2. My car, I like getting around quickly.

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Hi NL

 

1. I'd say we're the same overall.

 

2. My car, I like getting around quickly.

 

 

The first one makes it a bit more difficult but, there had to be some differentiator for exMM to want you. Whatever that was, it was very valuable to him.

 

 

Imagine your car. You are happy with it and consider it valuable. You may be proud of it, but I used the word "loved" in question 2 specifically.

 

 

Conclusion: He Loved/loves you. He was proud to "have" you, You made him happy. He did not want that to go away, or more importantly, be taken away for any reason. He felt inferior to potential other suitors hence the jealousy.

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Hey Pops!

 

Sounds to me like this man loved you more than his wife, and despite being married and not wanting to leave his marriage, wanted you all to himself. That's why he did not care about his wife flirting with the other man on FB.

 

Plain and simple, he wanted his cake (you) all to himself. Here's an old blues song that somewhat reminds me of your situation with your exMM.

 

 

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I have only experienced jealousy a few times, so take that with a grain of salt. just not a feeling that comes up much with me. But if I have felt jealousy it is because it is a person that I feel has significant appeal to the opposite sex and someone that has great appeal to me. So because they are a "hot commodity" showing interest to others would be a concern because I know the value they bring.

 

Something/someone that doesn't have that appeal, no jealousy. Jealousy is a control/territorial feeling and if we don't view a person with that or they are a "sure bet" then you are less apt to see it.

 

Either way ridiculous and pointless emotion all around in my eyes. You never deep dived it with him? I would have been all over analyzing that but that is my style. :cool: People regret delving into such things with me because I will be a dog with a bone until we pull back all the layers. ;):laugh:

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Just ashamed.

 

Why? This isn't about your feelings? And it is in the past, it is his weird dichotomy of emotions and hypocrisy. Why pick the scab?

 

This is not one of the areas of I would continue to stew/mull over. This was completely his issue.

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Why? This isn't about your feelings? And it is in the past, it is his weird dichotomy of emotions and hypocrisy. Why pick the scab?

 

This is not one of the areas of I would continue to stew/mull over. This was completely his issue.

Ok... I'm doing what you say. :cool:

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