TreadingLightly Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 I'm on such a roller coaster with my MM. He says I'm his best friend and the only person he wants to share things with, both good and bad. I believe him, he is such an introvert that he doesn't need many people to be close to him. But I also feel frequently that he is doing his best to keep stringing me along because he knows how. He is the person I want to share my triumphs and problems with, too. But not being able to just pick up the phone and call him is a gut punch every time I am reminded I can't. What triggered y'all to finally rip the bandaid off? An event, a comment, one more broken commitment, the realization in September that the holidays will be painful? Because I'm looking at all of these, and none of it is convincing me. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 What happened after August as your story went on?:cool: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=24603905 Pls keep in mind and keep engraved in your brain - action matters, words not. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 (edited) Your feelings are completely justified. I went through panic, overwhelming feelings of loss and sadness leading up to it, but enough was enough. I ripped the bandaid off when MM and I had just gotten back from a romantic vacation and one of our friends we work with stopped by his office and they were talking about back to school shopping for their kids (both their kids are around the same age) and their wives do the shopping and blah blah. To add to it, his wife and kids were in another state for the summer and had just gotten back so I know i'd get crumbs again. The reality was that I was not a part of his life and it was just a fantasy. It was like someone had punched me the gut so hard, I couldn't breathe. I didn't even have a breakup discussion, but just said that i wanted out and i was done. He was completely blindsided sided, especially since we had just gotten back from vacation. It hurts but it's better than status quo...these things are a dead end and a black hole full of disappointments. Edited September 21, 2015 by Lovetoohard Typo 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 What happened after August as your story went on?:cool: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=24603905 Pls keep in mind and keep engraved in your brain - action matters, words not. Obviously, nothing. I am wondering how the 'hammering' went between him and his wife. I would surmise that moving in together' was just a pipe-dream and that he is indeed, simply stringing her along. He has the best of both worlds. A cosy home and a doting mistress. OP, The thing to do, is to look at this long-term. As things stand, nothing seems to have moved on much. If you look say, 5 years ahead, could you still see yourself doing this? Would you like to look way ahead to your retirement, and senior years, and think of yourself looking back at all the time you wasted on a man who seems to have no intention whatsoever of changing how things stand? Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 (edited) What do you mean OP's retirement? How old is the OP? and how long is OP being with MM? Not sure if OP had laid out the fact already it seems that I missed the points. The link I meant to paste is following:- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/543574-i-posted-few-months-back Obviously, nothing. I am wondering how the 'hammering' went between him and his wife. I would surmise that moving in together' was just a pipe-dream and that he is indeed, simply stringing her along. He has the best of both worlds. A cosy home and a doting mistress. OP, The thing to do, is to look at this long-term. As things stand, nothing seems to have moved on much. If you look say, 5 years ahead, could you still see yourself doing this? Would you like to look way ahead to your retirement, and senior years, and think of yourself looking back at all the time you wasted on a man who seems to have no intention whatsoever of changing how things stand? Edited September 21, 2015 by Mount Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 What do you mean OP's retirement? How old is the OP? and how long is OP being with MM? Not sure if OP had laid out the fact already it seems that I missed the points. I'm suggesting the OP needs to think (very) long term to decide just for how much longer she's going to keep existing like this, from day to day, full of uncertainty, in limbo... How far ahead in her life can she see herself letting life pass her by, while this guy carries on in his own sweet way, living the way he's most comfortable doing... Within a cosy home environment, and with a Mistress hanging on desperately, in the wings. I was wondering how his divorce plans are progressing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TreadingLightly Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 His divorce has been tabled. That's part of the roller coaster. He finally admitted today that he spoke in haste because of a particularly bad episode with his wife. We had a rough weekend, culminating in some "knife-throwing words" as he put it, last night. All via text of course because he was at home. My childish response was that perhaps we need to set up a schedule of Wednesday nights and EOW, but no holidays because they belong to his wife. I'm a mess, but I am unwilling to walk away from him yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Of course the so-called divorce will be tabled, will be cancelled, will be delayed....to whenever or infinite. As an OW you or everyone should have known better. Without mentally readiness for these kind of things, it will only put OW in distress. His divorce has been tabled. That's part of the roller coaster. He finally admitted today that he spoke in haste because of a particularly bad episode with his wife. We had a rough weekend, culminating in some "knife-throwing words" as he put it, last night. All via text of course because he was at home. My childish response was that perhaps we need to set up a schedule of Wednesday nights and EOW, but no holidays because they belong to his wife. I'm a mess, but I am unwilling to walk away from him yet. Link to post Share on other sites
amomwhoknows Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 His divorce has been tabled. That's part of the roller coaster. He finally admitted today that he spoke in haste because of a particularly bad episode with his wife. We had a rough weekend, culminating in some "knife-throwing words" as he put it, last night. All via text of course because he was at home. My childish response was that perhaps we need to set up a schedule of Wednesday nights and EOW, but no holidays because they belong to his wife. I'm a mess, but I am unwilling to walk away from him yet. What would it take to make you think you deserve better? If he wasn't married, and was treating you this way, would you stay with him? At some point, you have to be your own priority. He isn't going to leave her. You are letting him use you. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Treadinglightly, it doesn't matter what our "lightbulb" moments were. Nothing matters until you decide you have suffered enough and are willing to enforce change. But to answer your question. 3 events finally hit me hard enough to start on the road to recovery. First was my son was hospitalized, I instinctively reached out to the man I love...and got a text back that he can't talk at the moment and would call me later. (my son fully recovered) The second was we were text chatting and then he suddenly went silent. About 30 minutes later he texted that his W walked in and he thinks she saw who he was talking to. I felt happy about that, I thought "finally, he will be forced to choose!" Then it hit me. He wouldn't choose me. If his W found out about me and kicked him out and he came to me, it wouldn't be because he chose me. It would be because I'm better than nothing. And the 3rd and final one was, we were out to dinner with some friends of mine and MM was asked why he was in town, he lied about why. There was no reason to lie, no reason to tell my friend the same lie he had told his W. And I realized, he lies so easily, if he ever did actually choose me, could I trust him when he wasn't at my side? If I am in a relationship with someone, I should have the right to call them when I need. If I am in a relationship with someone, I deserve to be chosen. If I am in a relationship with someone, I should be comfortable trusting them. Those were the wake up calls for me. As much as I love my MM, still. He is not healthy for me. I cannot form healthy attachments as long as I cling to unhealthy ones. So, just like an alcoholic has to kick the booze habit, I have to kick this one. I hope you decide to choose you. Because this guy won't. Good luck 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 the thing that pushed me over the edge was that he was expecting me to continue the relationship in a severely downgraded form, i.e. going from practically living at my place half the week to just an hour or two when he could sneak it in. Not even crumbs at that point. More like subatomic particles. The final straw was him coming over to my house, getting comfortable on the couch, getting amorous with me (or trying to), and then watching him bolt out of there like a shot because he was afraid he would get caught. In that moment, he was just pathetic and I lost whatever shred of respect and compassion I had for him. He was like a kid running home so his parents would get mad at him. What kind of man is that? so a few hours later, I texted him and told him I couldn't do it anymore. Maybe 5 days after that we talked on the phone, ended it properly, and that's that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 My moment of enough is enough (eventhough there were many) was when he mentioned me and an event occuring in a year as if i would be in the same place in another year, i wanted to walk out the Door that moment--i felt sick and angry, felt very strongly how wrong the situation was, and that he shouldnt take me for granted like that- but unfortunately i Waited a couple of months, but better later than never:) Thank you for sharing your stories/insight:) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 I'm on such a roller coaster with my MM. He says I'm his best friend and the only person he wants to share things with, both good and bad. I believe him, he is such an introvert that he doesn't need many people to be close to him. But I also feel frequently that he is doing his best to keep stringing me along because he knows how. He is the person I want to share my triumphs and problems with, too. But not being able to just pick up the phone and call him is a gut punch every time I am reminded I can't. What triggered y'all to finally rip the bandaid off? An event, a comment, one more broken commitment, the realization in September that the holidays will be painful? Because I'm looking at all of these, and none of it is convincing me. :/ We were talking on the phone one day and I asked him where he was. He kind of chuckled and said his wife was in the house so he was calling me from the garage. This was a grown ass man hiding from his mommy like a little boy. Hiding to make a simple phone call. In that instant my image of him flipped 180 degrees. It completely turned me off and I told him so. Now keep in mind that this is a man I was involved with for over a year while his wife was out of the country. He basically lived at my house 24/7 and we were pretty much a "normal couple" - like two single people. Once he and his wife reunited in the same country his "plan" was to get a divorce and move to country where I had gone. But that call from the garage instantly turned him into someone I had no interest in being with. I just lost all respect in that moment and told him I was moving on. I loved him, but...just ugh. Complete turn-off. I told him I might see him if he ever actually got divorced, but time moves on ya know? Other things would fill up my life in his absence so I could in no way guarantee any kind of reunion with him if he ever sorted himself out. But yeah, the trigger was that call from the garage where he was hiding from mommy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 MM and I were each other's emotional support systems so I understand what you mean about wanting to call yours whenever something important happened. What triggered me? I had broken things off with him several times just because it was wrong to be involved with him to begin with but we would always go back to each other. The last time was different, though. Unlike all the other times, I had finally regained my self-esteem and no longer felt broken and I finally realized that I deserved much more and better than an affair with a MM. I never liked being a mistress to begin with, and I will never go down that road again. I am now divorced and ironically, I heard from MM just today. He said that he and his wife have agreed to divorce (I realize they often lie about this but I do believe him but it's not relevant to me anyway), and that he misses me. I wished him good luck but I also made it clear that I have no interest in being with him again. To sum it up, I guess that once I felt better about myself, I realized that I deserved better. Just as with any addiction, you won't quit until you are ready to. I think that since you are asking your question about what triggered people, you realize that you are ready to walk away and you just need to do it. You can do it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TreadingLightly Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 My moment of enough is enough (eventhough there were many) was when he mentioned me and an event occuring in a year as if i would be in the same place in another year, i wanted to walk out the Door that moment--i felt sick and angry, felt very strongly how wrong the situation was, and that he shouldnt take me for granted like that- but unfortunately i Waited a couple of months, but better later than never:) Thank you for sharing your stories/insight:) Something very like this has happened. I was dumbstruck by it. I feel like the defining moments are coming closer and closer together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TreadingLightly Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 We were talking on the phone one day and I asked him where he was. He kind of chuckled and said his wife was in the house so he was calling me from the garage. This was a grown ass man hiding from his mommy like a little boy. Hiding to make a simple phone call. In that instant my image of him flipped 180 degrees. It completely turned me off and I told him so. Now keep in mind that this is a man I was involved with for over a year while his wife was out of the country. He basically lived at my house 24/7 and we were pretty much a "normal couple" - like two single people. Once he and his wife reunited in the same country his "plan" was to get a divorce and move to country where I had gone. But that call from the garage instantly turned him into someone I had no interest in being with. I just lost all respect in that moment and told him I was moving on. I loved him, but...just ugh. Complete turn-off. I told him I might see him if he ever actually got divorced, but time moves on ya know? Other things would fill up my life in his absence so I could in no way guarantee any kind of reunion with him if he ever sorted himself out. But yeah, the trigger was that call from the garage where he was hiding from mommy. He runs errands in the evening after dinner so he can call me. And the night I had the peeping tom, I instinctively picked up my phone and called him, but hung up after one ring because I didn't want him in hot water. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 He runs errands in the evening after dinner so he can call me. And the night I had the peeping tom, I instinctively picked up my phone and called him, but hung up after one ring because I didn't want him in hot water. How comforting for you. Not being able to call the one person you SHOULD be able to rely on for help. I'm sure there are a million unattached, available guys to help you with that.... Jeesh..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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