Unusual circumstance

[milwaukeeguy53214]

Hello, just wanted some opinions.

 

My girlfriend and I have only been together three months. It was a very quick and passionate beginning. We're in love. It's very intense. But here is the "rub".

two years ago she developed this relationship with someone online. He lives overseas. She video chats with him almost daily. They love each other. He is married for over thirty years, unfortunately his wife has been ill for more than a decade. In a nutshell they professed their feelings and love and she "promised" to be with him if possible if/when she passes.

Knowing all this I went ahead with the relationship and we fell in love with each other, deeply. I have even video chatted with the "other" man. He seems by all accounts a good person. It would be easier if he was a jerk.

It would seem our relationship is temporary and she tells me "it" may never happen with this other man. I feel as if I'm just a "stop gap" until this man's wife passes. If it happens she does plan on marrying him.

I have never loved someone so intensely, so deeply. So it is hard to let go. Intellectually I should not have continued or even began our relationship. But my heart told me other wise. I feel that I would rather love and lose someone with this kind of deep passion and intensity than to not have at all. Wasting my time? My love, my heart?

 

Thoughts?

Thanks,

[Giggle]

Wasting your time probably. Depends on how you look at it. If you break up with someone, is the previous amount of time a waste? Or was it worth the love shared?

 

I doubt that she will be yours, if that is your goal, then it's a waste. If you can just savor the love as much as you have it for.. Many will look back bitterly instead of treasuring the good times.

[CarrieT]

You are still in the LOVE fog so it makes sense that you can't just walk away... Yet.

 

There will come a point when you won't be able to deal with the duplicity of the situation and you will have the strength to walk away. That point will come.

 

Until then, I'm sorry for the hurt you will be going through.

[milwaukeeguy53214]

Thanks for the input. I appreciate it. Intellectually I know I should not have pursued this relationship, knowing it will (may) end. I knew all this going in. Maybe I'm just a fool. I have spoken about this to friends, even my therapist. They all came to similar conclusions. I'm having a hard time wanting to let it go.

[CarrieT]

I'm having a hard time wanting to let it go.

It is because you don't WANT to let go. You want the FairyTale version of this relationship where she is free, available and not embroiled in this drama.

 

But something is drawing you to the drama as well and - in some way - you may thrive on it. Perhaps waiting to be the Knight in Shining Armor who saves your Damsel in Distress from this conundrum she is in?

[Lois_Griffin]

So basically, you're dating a ghoul. She's waiting around for some woman to die so she can supposedly 'be' with some online married jerk that she's never even met.

 

Sounds like a solid plan. What could possibly go wrong? You might want to warn her to hold off a bit on getting the towels monogrammed with their married initials since his 'dying wife story' has about a 10% chance of being true. Yeah I know - a married man lying, what were the chances of THAT, right?

 

But more importantly, you should question why you'd 'fall' for someone who would stoop so low as to have an online affair with some married guy while his wife is supposedly dying a slow death in the other room. Whether it's true or not, SHE believes it and is engaged in this slimy behavior.

 

Is that really the type of person you want to be with?

[Popsicle]

If you are long distance, she probably doesn't really take you or the other guy seriously.

 

Some people enjoy fantasy, and in fantasy anything goes.

[privategal]

Wondering if you can look at it as she showed you what deeper love is possible and begin an open honest relationship where you can also explore another partner who is also open and accepting. Why put all of your eggs in one basket if she isn't. Your the backup? I wouldn't love that. I'd be doing the same. Keep your options open and be realistic the one you "love" plans to marry another. Odd.

[Popsicle]

Wondering if you can look at it as she showed you what deeper love is possible and begin an open honest relationship where you can also explore another partner who is also open and accepting.

 

What do you mean by this, privategal? Could you explain more please, I couldn't follow it...

[sunburned]

I think she means that Milwaukee's GF is in an open relationship, so he should be too.

[sunburned]

Milwaukee, I am sorry for your dilemma. Not to sound harsh, but it doesn't sound like your "girlfriend" has her head screwed on right. She's in love with someone she met online, lives thousands of miles, is married and may or may not have a sick wife at home and this is enough for her to say she'll wait for him. On the bright side, she's been honest with you. You are playing the odds but for how long? If the sick wife doesn't die in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years .... will she continue to wait? Will you?

 

I would be more worried about the cognitive functioning of your GF than what what happens with LD guy. At three months in, it's possible you are more in lust than love. A lot of guys would probably like that. Seems you're having fun and getting great sex with no commitment required.

[salparadise]

Milwaukee, I am sorry for your dilemma. Not to sound harsh, but it doesn't sound like your "girlfriend" has her head screwed on right.

 

This is my thinking too. Something is just off here, both in what she's doing and in OPs willingness to put up with it. Granted, we sometimes play along with something knowing it's not good for us long-term in order to get laid, but in doing so you have to be careful not to become ensnared.

 

Milwaukeeguy, there are times when the heart and head are not in agreement, and this is on of those situations for you. My advice would be to get out now while the gettin' is good. Yes, I know that feelings can be powerful, but I also know that feelings can be controlled with thought. You need to do whatever is necessary to get your cognitions and emotions in alignment... for self-preservation. Divest of this mess.

 

You are living a half-life so to speak because this woman is stringing you along, telling you that you're not important to her other than as momentary amusement. Meanwhile, you're investing yourself like she's your soulmate or something. That's just not rational and it's not healthy.

 

So my advice is to use your intellect to overrule the emotions because you're neither getting what you need now, nor are you likely to get it in the future. And it's actually more than wasting time... you're giving up pieces of your soul to make this crazy sh*t seem acceptable.

 

The question you need to ask is, why do I not value myself enough to expect more?

[Bufo]

This is unusual. Most men who have posted here sincerely do not want to be second place to their wife's/girlfriend's other man. They don't even want another man in the picture at all.

 

You, however, managed to find a woman on love with a man she's never met face to face and who claims he'll be there for her when his wife dies of a very lengthy disease. And she's bought into that story to the point she's told you she is uncertain about a future with you.

 

At best, you've enlisted in the Plan B Brigade. At worst, gf is more an a few cards short of a full deck. She is in love with an illusion. To your detriment.

 

Unless she changes significantly, she'll always love the illusion more than reality with you. Which is major red flag for your future.

But as is said,,your mileage may differ.

[cozycottagelg]

Has she ever actually met this person in real life?

 

You say you both fell in love deeply. But that isn't true, you did. Women don't typically love two people "deeply"...they can love and care for many, but we don't go around loving and pining away for several people at a time...sorry.