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From Unwitting OW to Open Relationship to Disaster


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Dear LS,

 

First of all, thank you to everyone that share their stories and give advice. It has kept me strong on many occasions. I have been lurking since May, not yet able to post. I am 8 days into NC, and have been trying to type out my story for background before I ask for help or advice, but I keep having anxiety attacks rehashing everything. I guess at this point I am so desperate for help, that I will quickly state that I didn’t know he was married until I was in love (or whatever people will call it) with him. Within a few weeks of me finding out, he got caught. We met once after he told me and before he got caught, and to date it is the biggest regret of my life, and I have so very many. After she found out, they fought and then they decided on an open marriage at his stubbornness not to let me go. Eventually it became too hard for both her and me. I was never expecting to end up with him or replace his W…because I just didn’t. I was just trying to see if I could make the arrangement work, because I wanted even the slightest bit of him as I could. I have never even imagined being part of anything like this. It has been such a hard journey from May until today.

 

I know that people will say he is a cake eater and a liar and a cheat, and I know this. I understand that he probably doesn’t even know what love is. But I do. I loved the man I thought he was, and I loved who I was when I was with him and the way it felt to be with him (before everything). So it’s hard to just say he didn’t love me, so I should move on. My feelings were real, even if they were for a fake person.

 

My two friends that know about this are on two different continents from me and each other. I literally had to leave the country to guarantee getting away from this mess and came home to family. They know nothing. I spent my three travel days crying. For the last five days I have been home, I haven’t allowed myself to cry, because they don’t know anything. But as each day passes, I am unable to control it. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep (because I have nightmares about them and what I have done) and though I am trying, every day I am able to speak less and less. I feel like I’m dying on the inside and I can’t tell anyone. I also feel like I am not allowing myself to grieve because of my guilt for BW.

 

I have no idea who I am. I am so lost. I honestly wish I could disappear. I feel like I am nothing. I feel like a fraud. I am so alone, and I know it will get better eventually, but I am scared I might not make it until then. The panic attacks I have been suffering from have been getting worse and worse. Please, someone say something to help me. There is so much anger, agony, shame and loss cycling through me almost every minute that I feel like I am losing my mind. The anguish I feel at this moment makes it hard to breathe. I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Not solely because of this. Some pretty terrible things happened to me in the last ten years and I survived. But I feel like this is pushing me over the edge. Why do we struggle just to make it another day so that someone else can take your faith and dignity away?

 

Through all of this, I still want him to break NC, not to re-establish contact, but just to know that I mattered. That I wasn’t just a whore. At least then I can try to start forgiving myself.

 

Yodel

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I know that people will say he is a cake eater and a liar and a cheat, and I know this. I understand that he probably doesn’t even know what love is. But I do. I loved the man I thought he was, and I loved who I was when I was with him and the way it felt to be with him (before everything). So it’s hard to just say he didn’t love me, so I should move on. My feelings were real, even if they were for a fake person.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. You pain is palpable. I just want to highlight a couple of things you wrote that are key and show some self-awareness, which is great. You loved the man you thought he was, as you so aptly described a "fake person." It was fantasy. It probably wasn't love but you need the perspective of time. And even if it was, you need to start thinking like your dog ... kick some grass over that sh*t and move on.

 

Look, I cheated too and I knew he was M. I was M (still am). I liked how he made me feel, which is pretty much what you said too. You liked how you felt when you were with him. The good news is that role can be filled by numerous single guys. You have a new lease on love here. Sign it. At first you didn't know he was M so it wasn't your fault. Your breakneck slide into misery was after you learned he was M and hung on anyway for "even the slightest bit of him." Why shortchange yourself? You deserve the whole enchilada.

 

It will be -- as you've already noted -- extremely difficult to move on. It will be 1,000x worse to go back and settle for breadcrumbs. Muster your strength and dignity and stay the course with NC. Be thankful everyday that YOU aren't the one married to this cheating cretin.

 

The anguish you feel is real but it WILL dissipate. Eight days of NC is a great start, but it is early days. It takes several months to gain some perspective. I am two years out now. I don't miss him at all but I still cringe when I think about that chapter in my life. The longer you are in, the longer it will take to get over. Please change your point of view and realize May to Sept. isn't that long. In just weeks you will start to feel better, if for no other reason than you are finally doing the right thing. If you go back, by breaking NC, you will only reset the clock and start your recovery all over again. Good luck, Yodel. Big (((hug))).

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Can you tell your family you met a wonderful man, found out he was married and broke up with him and your grieving...or if that's too much, tell them your going through a breakup simply?

You need to say something and let the tears fall and the greif out so you can begin to heal more.

There are women on here who thought they wouldn't see another day, ones who were hospitalized, you can't get that far.

You've got a shot at getting some control. Get to a doctor, if your not going to tell your family, then just let them know your not feeling well and need a checkup but please...they need to know. And you have got to try some tea and toast, some fresh air, a walk, some crying.

You've gotta go through the greif.

He's in his same boring, selfish, twisted life.

You are in another country being brave and strong and 8 days in NC is a big deal.

Be strong..tell someone, eat a few bites, go get a checkup, some sleep...and tough it out.

Its sad and hard, but surviving it is where you will find strength.

Prepare later if you are returning back home when you get home to have your friends help you paint, rearrange, redecorate, change your space.

Keep trying, keep breathing, your gonna make it just fine.

If you have to keep loving him, fine, do so silently and always keep NC no matter what. He lied to 2 women, he sucks at loyalty, and you didnt lose him...HE LOST YOU.

in time you will wonder how you even fell for him.

For now...keep it moving...find solace in the distance and try to live a little in a new country, go see some culture.

What a shame to punish your self over this man.

You deserve to live fully and to forgive your self for your mistakes and make up for the regret by charity, random acts of kindness, donating, food to the hungry, a charity walk...do good going forward and know we all mess up.

You lived before him...you will live now.

He really isn't that special, your just in shock, in denial, in the fog, holding him on a pedestal.

It takes time to see him for what he is but you will.

Don't look back...just get your health back..the nutrients and lack of sleep and enough fluids will age you and harm your health so address it right away.

Hugs

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Dear Sunburned,

 

Thank you so much for your reply and honesty. Knowing that you took the time to reply means so much, you have no idea.

 

First and foremost, let me say that I have no intention of going back for more. I had tried to end it so many times and failed. This time feels different, because it is. Even if I wanted, there is no point. I have put 8000 (yes, THOUSAND) miles between us.

 

May to September really isn't long and our whole R wasn't very long either, so I also feel stupid for feeling this way, like I don't have a right, as others have been in it so long. The thing is, I have been in long relationships, one almost leading to M, but it never felt like this. Before I knew, I mean. Afterwards was the same as every other OW here. I'm 33, so while I haven't been in every type of relationship, I know what I had was love and that was hard to let go of. I was more myself than I had ever been with anyone else. He met me at a time of healing and hope, and perhaps that is also why it felt so good. I can't believe I couldn't walk away and that is also part of my shame and anger. I feel disgusted for having shared him physically. It's strange, because I felt the addiction type feeling even before I knew. And after, well, what everyone says about As being an addiction is totally true (and I could recognize it thanks to everyone here). Until him, I had never truly known what it was to miss someone. That of course took on another completely path once I found out and missed him when he was with someone else.

 

Thank you again for reaching out and for your hug. It is much needed and appreciated.

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Thank you for your words and your time, Privategal. I can feel the caring in your words. They made me tear up. I will go see a doctor anyway, because I just don't feel right. There aren't any therapists in this country that aren't specialized in drug rehabilitation (irony, anyone?) so unfortunately, just a general doctor. I have been in dark places in my life which I feel I am rapidly approaching again, which is why i reached out. I won't allow myself to get there, and I don't want to be hospitalized, it would be so traumatic for my family.

 

I'm not sure I am holding him on the pedestal, and that is what is knocking the wind out of me. The sheer disappointment and disgust I feel for him at the moment is making me feel overwhelmed that I put myself through the sleepless nights, the waiting for a phone call and all the other little insidious things that eventually wreck your soul. I am having a hard time looking in the mirror.

 

Thank you again. Xoxo.

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Hi,

 

Don't compare length of time or depth of pain to anyone else's. It's your healing journey. I'm on my own journey and while people can give advice it is about how you feel. I know where you are and I know how badly you are hurting.

 

Like you I'm in another country from exMM and the time change at least helps. What's your time change?

 

What's the reason your parents think you are home (I may have missed it) do you want to share more about you? Let's get to know you some and try to take the focus a bit off the A. It's just exactly what you need to do is think of yourself first.

 

8 days is a fantastic start. One foot in front of the other. All of the Others here started from one common place: a R they came to know was an A or that started as an A. While open marriage may work for some people it didn't for you. You are self aware enough to know this and left. It takes some people years to make a decision (like me) and instead of death by 1,000 cuts, you split and went 8,000 miles away.

 

YOU ARE A STRONG WARRIOR WOMAN

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Thank you for your words and your time, Privategal. I can feel the caring in your words. They made me tear up. I will go see a doctor anyway, because I just don't feel right. There aren't any therapists in this country that aren't specialized in drug rehabilitation (irony, anyone?) so unfortunately, just a general doctor. I have been in dark places in my life which I feel I am rapidly approaching again, which is why i reached out. I won't allow myself to get there, and I don't want to be hospitalized, it would be so traumatic for my family.

 

I'm not sure I am holding him on the pedestal, and that is what is knocking the wind out of me. The sheer disappointment and disgust I feel for him at the moment is making me feel overwhelmed that I put myself through the sleepless nights, the waiting for a phone call and all the other little insidious things that eventually wreck your soul. I am having a hard time looking in the mirror.

 

Thank you again. Xoxo.

 

If you are a recovering addict I hope this does not set you back. Is this man worth all sanity and sobriety?

You said it your self he disgusts you. Don't allow him to make you sink lower, it is sounding like you are going to get some care from a doctor. Thats a good step.

But you did not mention you will talk to your family about whats happening. Thats pivitol that you get some emotional support. Tell them you need them. Drop all pride or fear and let someone in. This is a crisis. You cant do it alone.

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Thank for your encouraging, strong words Newleaf! It feels good. I actually was having a "find happiness" year, so I am not working right now. I just told my family that I was homesick.

 

Privategal, I am not an recovering addict. Actually, without getting into details, within six years, I was diagnosed with a heart condition (not dangerous, but debilitating sometimes), had a person close to me pass away, got stalked and assaulted. All of this resulted in PTSD and major depression. So for the last five years, I have been mostly out of the States, and with my family in Asia. I have been feeling much better in the last two, and that is why this all seems so ridiculous to me. I just didn't need this. You know? I survived after some horrendous things and was able to stand tall after so so so long. And that's when I headed back to the States. And in my happiest moments in ten years is when I met him. And now this worthless man is bringing me to my knees? I just can't accept that.

 

Also, I think who I turned into after he told me is horrifying to me. And it only got worse. Right after i got on the plane, I read though our entire text history, and the difference in tone, personality, syntax was glaring. I mean, ****, I wouldn't want to date me either. Or finally let me go, rather. I am embarrassed and humiliated.

 

Is there any effing negative emotion that an OW does not go through?

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Well, so much for not going to the hospital. I had a major panic attack and couldn't get my heart rate down, so my mom took me the to emergency room. Nothing new, just more anti-anxiety medicine than I already have. I lied and said the tachycardia (fast heart rate - part of my condition) caused me to have a panic attack and not the other way around.

 

I can't believe a lair made a liar our of me. I'm furious today. I am not sure what the emotion buffet will bring tomorrow, though.

 

Just a note for anyone else going through a hard time: Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves. I keep hearing the words BW texted me: "You claim to be a good person but you are not. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but still I wish you the best." I torture myself with it, even though THEY decided together to have an open relationship (she knew when he came to visit and where and when we went on vacations, etc.). Here is the kicker that I remembered earlier today: She had an A five years ago. So if she can forgive herself and he can forgive her (He found out and didn't say anything until he was caught with me...WTF) then why am I taking what she has to say about me so deeply? I am sure she thinks is was a mistake. So everyone makes mistakes including me. I should have reminded myself of this every time the guilt was overwhelming. It doesn't absolve me of anything, but it takes a tiny sliver of the edge away.

 

Hang in there all of you.

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I've gone through our text messages and some video I took when I thought I'd pressed photo. I was crazy crazy. But I loved him. I did some weird stuff when I found out he hadn't confessed. I turned into a she devil. I wouldn't want to be with me either and that's why he found it easy to go back to a boring mediocre marriage. Stupid me. Lost it.

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I've gone through our text messages and some video I took when I thought I'd pressed photo. I was crazy crazy. But I loved him. I did some weird stuff when I found out he hadn't confessed. I turned into a she devil. I wouldn't want to be with me either and that's why he found it easy to go back to a boring mediocre marriage. Stupid me. Lost it.

 

USE - it wasn't about you. Whether he divorced should have always been about whether he was done with the marriage, done with that relationship, and wanted to move forward without it regardless of you. You would NOT want him to leave solely for you. Then his whole future happiness, acceptance of his decisions, etc. would rest on his feelings of you. That is a ridiculously heavy burden for anyone to carry.

 

Whether or not he continued a relationship with you would be based on the two of you, your behaviors, and desires of/for each other. Him divorcing would be separate from that. He could have easily still moved forward with divorce even if he ended things with you. If he didn't divorce, it was about him wanting to stay married.

 

Please understand there was NOTHING you could do or not do to tip those scales. You never had that level of power or influence. I am sorry for your pain and I say this as kindly as I can. It was never about you, your worth, etc. Please know that. ((((((((USE))))))))))))

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I agree that your pain is real and loving someone for one day or one year doesn't really matter in terms of how much we can hurt. I also think you should tell your family about what happened - at least the highlights. This would take a huge burden off of you.

 

The only other thing that I think is worth pointing out is that you obviously meant a great deal to him if he was so bold as to tell his wife that he wouldn't give you up. And as far as her nasty words are concerned, she merely did that to lash out at you. She knows what she agreed to, and she probably knows that you had no idea he was married. What she's doing is putting the blame on you because she's furious that her husband loved you so much, and she probably knows he'll never really get over it. Hence her distaste for you. But you really didn't do all that much wrong. I'm not sure what I would've done if my xMM said that he and his wife agreed to an open marriage. I would be very tempted to stay with him if I knew they weren't having sex. The shared sex thing isn't something I'd ever be ok with. Still I can see how a person would be tempted to give the situation a try. It's not likely to work but we live and learn.

 

I know you want to hear from him and it's very possible that you will. I hope you'll think about what you'll do in that situation.

 

Btw, does he know you moved?

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I've gone through our text messages and some video I took when I thought I'd pressed photo. I was crazy crazy. But I loved him. I did some weird stuff when I found out he hadn't confessed. I turned into a she devil. I wouldn't want to be with me either and that's why he found it easy to go back to a boring mediocre marriage. Stupid me. Lost it.

 

I wouldn't be apologizing for, nor feeling embarrased or blaming yourself for "losing it"...trust me if hes any kind of guy he would be considering how that affected you. It doesn't matter if you became a she devil. I did that too e-mailing dozens of times with DARK crazy messages...went off the deep end and guess what...later he came back to be my friend and understood and apologized when honestly Id thought he could never ever speak to me again. He did so because he knew it was his actions.

Never apologize or hold onto bad moments of yours. You can let that go now. You did the best you could with the information you had. Who cares if you lost it...HE LOST YOU because he is a fence sitter, a cake eater, a guy who wanted to stay married and hold you back. But your gonna get stronger. Some waste decades, years, you are doing the best to set yourself up for a full recovery.

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Dear Used, don't say you caused him to go back. GotIt is absolutely right. It was all about him, him, him. I was saying I wouldn't want to date me mostly in a general sense, and that is a terrible feeling. I also kind of meant that I wasn't the same girl he had been drawn to. I have never sworn at somebody as much as I swore at him, so clearly, we have to remember that we haven't acted like this before, because no one has treated us in a way to bring it out.

 

Bathtub-Row, I really your posts, I read some of your other ones, and you always offer a different point of view, delivered in the most articulate ways. It WAS the fact that he fought for me so hard that made it so hard to walk away. He had been with his wife since high school, and married for six years. I don't know many men that would put that on the line like that. The sex thing, well, at first it was really hard for me. I just had a gut feeling a few times that they did it, and I was right. It made me physically sick and I told him that I just couldn't do it. If I really think about it, I had been trying to leave him from the day I found out. There are SO SO SO many break up texts I sent, it seems like a farce. Eventually, I dissociated with the whole sex thing, and thought they weren't having much of it anyway, as that is what he told me, and I remembered from DDays (before Open decision) that the W had told me that he had trouble, and they went a while without it which was "unlike them." And maybe it was like that for a while, and he told me it only got worse from there, but that wasn't the truth, I found out at the end.

 

When the open thing came to light, W and I were still texting (we had started after DDay for a few days for answers--we actually got along very well, sadly). I told her I was not sure I could do this, but the way I had felt the last few days thinking that he wouldn't be in my life anymore was unbearable. I wrote: "I will try and hang on as long as I can, or until losing him doesn't hurt as much as being with him." She said she felt kind of the same thing.

 

He did know I was moving. I have been planning this actual walk away for a few months. We have been trying to get closure and make sure the NC works, and the relationship ends. I guess it still hurt that he had never let me go before and this time he agreed. Which is why I was wondering if the fact that I had changed played into it. Honestly, towards the end, it felt and looked like I was the despondent partner and the W was the girlfriend and they were dating. I'm guessing the hysterical bonding started before I left...gross.

 

Privategal, I like what you said to Used about him losing her and the fact that we all have bad moments. I love how encouraging and caring you are.

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Also, just a side note: loving an imaginary person is enough to drive anyone nuts. And that is what they are. Imaginary. The person we thought they were, not the ones they actually turned out to be.

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Also, just a side note: loving an imaginary person is enough to drive anyone nuts. And that is what they are. Imaginary. The person we thought they were, not the ones they actually turned out to be.

 

It's all very sad when people choose to play with other people's hearts. This is the one thing that I have found difficult to reconcile about my xMM. I know that I personally never would've toyed with someone the way he did with me, and I have a hard time understanding it. I mean, if I were with someone who loved me but I never intended to be with them, then I would let them go. The whole situation has destroyed my faith in people, particularly in men. Although I'm not sure that's all bad because I was obviously too trusting, but it changed me forever. I have found happiness in other things and will never let anyone hurt me like that again.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this and it's going to take time to get past it but, as someone else already said, the pain does go away.

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When do they stop being on your mind every minute of the day? I thought that was made up in the movies??? It is not always sad or angry, sometimes just images. But every minute to be sure. For me, anyway.

 

But right now, I just need to know how do you stop the thoughts that hurt so much they literally take your breath away?

 

These have been the longest 10/11 days of my life. I know, I know. One day at a time. Except every day feels like a week. Damn it.

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thebutterflyeludesme
When do they stop being on your mind every minute of the day? I thought that was made up in the movies??? It is not always sad or angry, sometimes just images. But every minute to be sure. For me, anyway.

 

But right now, I just need to know how do you stop the thoughts that hurt so much they literally take your breath away?

 

These have been the longest 10/11 days of my life. I know, I know. One day at a time. Except every day feels like a week. Damn it.

 

It does get easier. It just takes time. I had gone about a month with NC(besides him sending one email) and it was slowly getting better. I still thought about him all the time but they were thoughts about how I was better without him. We re-established LC for about two weeks and after seeing him this past weekend I know I'm just torturing myself. I deserve better...you deserve better. Don't break NC, you will regret it. I certainly do and it's just as hard to start over as it was the first time.

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I am not going to break NC at all! I do know I am better off without him, but even that hurts. I have been pretty good at talking myself down from the ledge, and will write a post about that soon, hopefully it might help someone.

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Sometimes, it's simple. Just keep reminding yourself that no matter how right it seemed, it just wasn't meant to be. Wasting your time and energy on something that will never be is simply not smart.

 

However, I know it hurts like hell. Many times I just wanted to crawl into my bed and never leave. To make matters worse, my xMM owns the company I work for. I can say that I don't think about him all day but I do think about him everyday (5 yrs later). He was like a soul mate and felt like such a part of me. But thoughts about him now aren't painful anymore and I've created an emotional distance with him.

 

The biggest thing I've learned to do is to turn off my emotions like a faucet. I know a lot of people may not like this concept but the truth is, our brains function off of hard-wired thinking. If you lose that connection by not thinking about it, by cutting off the pain, the synapses stop making that pathway. Sounds really clinical, I know, but it's a fact. And that is exactly why the adage is true that time heals all wounds. Time, space, distance - that's the way we're wired. And, yes, you control your feelings more than you think you do.

Edited by bathtub-row
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It's all very sad when people choose to play with other people's hearts. This is the one thing that I have found difficult to reconcile about my xMM. I know that I personally never would've toyed with someone the way he did with me, and I have a hard time understanding it. I mean, if I were with someone who loved me but I never intended to be with them, then I would let them go. The whole situation has destroyed my faith in people, particularly in men. Although I'm not sure that's all bad because I was obviously too trusting, but it changed me forever. I have found happiness in other things and will never let anyone hurt me like that again.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this and it's going to take time to get past it but, as someone else already said, the pain does go away.

 

This captures where I am totally. I'll never trust again

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When do they stop being on your mind every minute of the day? I thought that was made up in the movies??? It is not always sad or angry, sometimes just images. But every minute to be sure. For me, anyway.

 

But right now, I just need to know how do you stop the thoughts that hurt so much they literally take your breath away?

 

These have been the longest 10/11 days of my life. I know, I know. One day at a time. Except every day feels like a week. Damn it.

 

For me it was about 4 months. I know you don't want to hear that. I was a slow healer, could be much quicker for you. But it wasn't just him on my mind the whole time. It was what I did ... the guilt, the shame even w/o a D-day. I tried some of those mind games people talk about like picturing a stop sign when you start thinking of him and setting aside 15 mins a day when you can think, ruminate, cry, etc. But only those 15 minutes, which you should reduce to 10 and then 5 and then 0 over time. Any other time, you picture the stop sign and move on ... saying something like "Thoughts, i will see you at 7 p.m.":rolleyes:

 

Didn't work for me, but the passage of time did. I don't miss him at all. When I think of him, I cringe. My skin crawls. You sound like you have NC pretty well under control considering how early it is. NOTHING good can be gained from re-engaging. In my sitch, I ended it, but he crept back with some LC which we maintained for a month. It just brought more heartache so I finally went true NC and been that way for two+ years.

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Didn't work for me, but the passage of time did. I don't miss him at all. When I think of him, I cringe. My skin crawls. You sound like you have NC pretty well under control considering how early it is. NOTHING good can be gained from re-engaging. In my sitch, I ended it, but he crept back with some LC which we maintained for a month. It just brought more heartache so I finally went true NC and been that way for two+ years.

 

I know what you mean. To be honest, I think I have been cringing since I found out he is married, through the open relationship crap all the way into right now. I think maybe that is why I am so resolute with no contact. I think most of the hurt and panic I have been feeling is towards myself. How could I let someone treat me like that??? So many broken promises and nights crying myself to sleep. And I feel gross, because I really opened up to him sexually as I had only (and hardly) slept with two guys since 2004. At the time, it felt liberating, but now I just feel dirty and used and slutty. Even thinking about sex, with him or anyone else, makes me cringe.

 

I am just glad that it was always me walking away from him (though it DOES hurt that he finally, actually let me go). If he had broken up with me, I couldn't have dealt with it.

 

BathtubRow and NewLeaf, the trust thing is what I am really afraid of. I already had trust and abandonment issues. Bathtub, I really want to learn how to turn my emotions off. I always have wanted to, even before this whole debacle. I will channel you next time I try!

 

(((((thebutterflyeludesme))))) We DO deserve better. I made a post about keeping NC. It might help if you feel weak again. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/549397-how-i-talk-myself-off-nc-ledge

 

Thank you guys so much for taking the time with me. It really does make a difference.

Edited by yodelwithyu
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Hysterical bonding... Ugh. Id be wondering who they were actually thinking of. I think this makes my skin crawl... If id known he was having sex with BS I'd definitely have quit.

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I loved the man I thought he was, and I loved who I was when I was with him and the way it felt to be with him (before everything). So it’s hard to just say he didn’t love me, so I should move on. My feelings were real, even if they were for a fake person.

 

I wasn't an OW, but I recently experienced the feelings above, and it IS excruciating.

 

The good news is that after the roller coaster of horribleness, if you stay the course, it DOES get better. Your heart gets lighter. You vision gets clearer. Friends, good music, encouraging quotes, being busy, reveling in the little blessings, and doing one's best NOT to think of him or him and someone else....it all does begin to work after awhile.

 

Take heart.

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