Why do I miss her so much?

[ConfusedKyle]

I dont get it, she talked down to me ALL the time, I was borderline suicidal, I could barely get up in the morning, neasous all the time minus the high of being with her or on the phone. Its been a month of NC, and I still MISS the toxicness, I wonder if she is busy (she works exicting job) I wonder how shes doing, I miss her etc...DESPITE ME CLOSE TO WANTING TO KILL MYSELF! WHY!!?

[Lurkeraspect]

Kyle,

 

I'd gently suggest (and encourage) you to seek professional help for this. Your being suicidal and unable to see this toxic relationship for what it is, is way above the pay grade of most contributors here. I truly hope you get to a better place soon.

[privategal]

Even toxic relationships take time to get over.

Its normal to still be in the affair fog and addicted to the "high" but in this stage be careful to remember the low. Do seek help/IC for the damage done to your psyche and self esteem or you may tend to not function well in in a normal healthy relationship.

Please stay NC and keep pressing on. The pain lessens but at first its all consuming.

[Downtown]

I dont get it.... I miss her etc...DESPITE ME CLOSE TO WANTING TO KILL MYSELF! WHY!!?

Kyle, if I had to guess -- and this is just a guess -- I would say there is a good chance you fell in love with a woman having strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I mention this for two reasons. One is that, of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one MOST NOTORIOUS for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. This is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are losing their minds -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

The second reason is that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., strong verbal abuse, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you with praise) and Hyde (harshly devaluing you), and always perceiving of herself as "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD (to a lesser extent, narcissism also has this "crazy making" effect on abused partners).

 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

There was some serious 'rescuer' things going on where she complained about her husband not leaving, taking all her money, etc etc.

If she has strong BPD traits, her need for constant validation of her victim role means you can play only one of two roles. The first is that "the rescuer," a role you play during the courtship period while she is still infatuated with you. The implication is that, if you are trying hard to rescue her from something, she must be "The Victim." As her infatuation starts to evaporate, however, her fears of abandonment and engulfment will return. Your role therefore flips, most of the time, to being that of "The Perpetrator," i.e., the cause of her unhappiness. And, as you can see, her H has been playing that role on a full time basis for years. Moreover, if she is a BPDer, she likely speaks very harshly about all her exBFs.

 

She would beat me down, and a few days later tell me how wonderful I was.

As I noted above, these rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde are such a strong characteristic of BPDers that many of the abused partners will swear they were in a relationship with someone having multiple personalities. This is why one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship is the repeated cycle of push-you-away (by creating arguments over absolutely nothing) and pull-you-back (by love bombing you).

 

Any help on how to get over how addicting the abuse was?

I agree with Lurker and PrivateGal that it would be prudent to seek IC from a psychologist -- particularly if you ever feel inclined to take your exGF back or if you again start feeling suicidal. It would be helpful to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. I also suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these red flags will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating a painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Kyle.

[Popsicle]

You're probably just lonely and need a girlfriend (one you like).

 

Take some time to heal and then get out there and date other women.

[ConfusedKyle]

Kyle, if I had to guess -- and this is just a guess -- I would say there is a good chance you fell in love with a woman having strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). .

 

Oh yeah, she has such insane narcissitc tendencies, she would endlessly talk about how cool her job was, but how boring I was. She would put down EVERYTHING/EVERYONE that wasn't part of her narrow little niche. It was hard because objectively she DOES do her job good, which made her words carry more weight than what was likely just a vain woman.

[Jemay]

That's how I felt in my toxic relationship.... I went from pretty normal to feeling stripped completely of my self-worth, feeling suicidal as well. I missed him crazy, too... tried NC, it was really hard. I went back to him and got more of his abuse, and I guess it was finally enough and I snapped out of it.

 

Someone told me once, obsession is only skin deep. Once you realize how messed up the person is, once you hit rock bottom, you snap out of it. I hope this happens to you soon cause she sure sounds horrid.

[Fortunesfool 79]

I dont get it, she talked down to me ALL the time, I was borderline suicidal, I could barely get up in the morning, neasous all the time minus the high of being with her or on the phone. Its been a month of NC, and I still MISS the toxicness, I wonder if she is busy (she works exicting job) I wonder how shes doing, I miss her etc...DESPITE ME CLOSE TO WANTING TO KILL MYSELF! WHY!!?

 

Sup man,

 

I am kinda going through the same thing as far as missing her. I know my issue is I am lonely and it's probably the same with you. I can identify 100% with the being addicted to the toxicity of the situation. You go so long with that torn up feeling inside of you that it becomes apart of you. It's not natural man to live like that. We both have to find away to break that addiction. Please keep your NC going....I allowed mine to end and I regret it and I am back at square one. My post is the Dumb one and that's exactly how I feel.

[ConfusedKyle]

I'll keep up the NC. At times it feels like I AM THE CRAZY ONE, that she wasnt actually mean, abusive etc, that I was 'weak' for thinking like that...I try to tell myself that it was her, but its hard.

[Satu]

Explore your anger.

 

There is gold hidden inside it.

[Downtown]

^^^^^ This. Kyle, please listen to Satu. Hold onto your anger and use it as a crutch to help you walk away from this toxic relationship. Then, 6 months or a year later when you are safely away, you can kick aside that crutch when it no longer serves a useful purpose.