Ultraviolet75 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I'm 39 and in a weird marital limbo-separated but still in love with my husband and keep coming back to him. A year ago, i developed a close friendship with a coworker (who was 35). He has a girlfriend but kept complaining about how boring and intellectually unstimulating she was (that he had to drink to make conversation with her) and that he had no physical interest in her. I similarly shared some of my marital problems. We started kissing periodically after work events and hooked up once (extensive intimacy but no sex). We also started talking about having feelings for each other but never talked about having a relationship. After our first physical encounter, he disappeared for 2 weeks. I cut off contact with him (he had moved to another office) but then he started texting and trying to contact me again. We started having platonic lunches and dinners but there was always a strong undercurrent of sexual tension in these situations. Two weeks ago, we were sitting on a patio and after a few drinks started caressing each other's hands. He started going on about how soft and tiny and beautiful my hands were and how beautiful I looked. I enjoyed the moment and then popped out to the bathroom. When I came back to the table, he was weird. He kept saying that he didn't want to hurt me and that what we were doing was wrong and that he wanted to be "principled". I suggested we take a walk. I asked him if he was upset with me and he said no-that he was frustrated. He ducked into the subway. i tried calling him but he didn't answer. So, I foolishly and impulsively went to his place. He opened the door in his boxers. I asked if we could chat and sort things out and he said "lets just do this when we're sober." I asked if he would hold me because I was upset (I've asked this before) and he crawled into his bed, put his sheets over him and said no, that he couldnt, that he didn't want to hurt me, that he was uncomfortable. I left. Can you decipher his behaviour? Guilty about the girlfriend? Physically tempted by me? Haven't heard from him for 3 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I am confused by your title--if your interest in this guy is romantic & you haven't had sex, how is he a FWB? Also, it seems pretty obvious that although he is tempted by your attempts to seduce him, he is trying to resist--what don't you understand? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Maybe it's because you're married? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ultraviolet75 Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 I assumed he was an fab bc we were intimate even though we didn't have sex. And I wasn't trying to seduce him. I really wanted to sort stuff out when I went there. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Umm... Can you take 'no' for an answer? He's uncomfortable. He's said no to you in a variety of ways. Honestly you're coming off as desperate and a little creepy- and going to his house when he dodged you puts you firmly in stalkerville. Get counselling. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ultraviolet75 Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 I'm totally ok with the harsh assessment. But " stalkerville" really? I've been to his place before. The whole time I was in his place I was fully clothed with my coat on ( never sat down) and standing in the doorway. I just keep saying " can we please hash this out? Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I'm totally ok with the harsh assessment. But " stalkerville" really? I've been to his place before. The whole time I was in his place I was fully clothed with my coat on ( never sat down) and standing in the doorway. I just keep saying " can we please hash this out? Hash what out? The fact that he's trying to resist cheating on his gf and you cheating on your husband? He made that very clear. Then when he tries to remove himself from the temptation and "sober up" you randomly show up to his place and try and repeatedly get him to elaborate. You want him to elaborate because you wanted him to give in and be intimate with you. Not because you didn't understand what he was saying. His words were very clear. Perhaps after the hand touching and you went to the bathroom he had the clarity come to him and thought "I shouldn't do this, we are both a little buzzed and might make a bad decision that we can't take back if this continues so it's best that I stop and/or leave in order to prevent that from happening". And yes, what you did following him home and despite his very clear responses of not wanting to talk more or have you there... You countered by asking him to "hold me" and "let me just get in bed with you and cuddle and talk".... Wtf!?! That is wayyyy too much. "Ok I understand, you're right, we've had a few drinks, best talk about it sober and with a clear head... Sorry if I came off a bit forward, I'll talk to you later". Should have been what you said to him at the bar. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 So you're "in love" with your husband, but this other guy is just a FWB, yet all you've talked about in this post is this other guy. Let's hear more about how much you're in love with your husband.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 (edited) I'm totally ok with the harsh assessment. But " stalkerville" really? I've been to his place before. The whole time I was in his place I was fully clothed with my coat on ( never sat down) and standing in the doorway. I just keep saying " can we please hash this out? And how many times did he say no? Yeah.. Stalkerville. You invited yourself to his house, unannounced, after he repeatedly told you he was not interested, then stood in his doorway pleaded with him to talk to you about something he didn't want to discuss. Get the hint! He doesn't want to. Stop harassing the man. Besides embarrassing yourself (which you definitely are), your persistence when he has said no means you could find yourself up on sexual harassment charges. No means no. Let it go. Edited September 2, 2015 by Sassy Girl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm 39 and in a weird marital limbo-separated but still in love with my husband and keep coming back to him. A year ago, i developed a close friendship with a coworker (who was 35). He has a girlfriend but kept complaining about how boring and intellectually unstimulating she was (that he had to drink to make conversation with her) and that he had no physical interest in her. I similarly shared some of my marital problems. We started kissing periodically after work events and hooked up once (extensive intimacy but no sex). We also started talking about having feelings for each other but never talked about having a relationship. After our first physical encounter, he disappeared for 2 weeks. I cut off contact with him (he had moved to another office) but then he started texting and trying to contact me again. We started having platonic lunches and dinners but there was always a strong undercurrent of sexual tension in these situations. Two weeks ago, we were sitting on a patio and after a few drinks started caressing each other's hands. He started going on about how soft and tiny and beautiful my hands were and how beautiful I looked. I enjoyed the moment and then popped out to the bathroom. When I came back to the table, he was weird. He kept saying that he didn't want to hurt me and that what we were doing was wrong and that he wanted to be "principled". I suggested we take a walk. I asked him if he was upset with me and he said no-that he was frustrated. He ducked into the subway. i tried calling him but he didn't answer. So, I foolishly and impulsively went to his place. He opened the door in his boxers. I asked if we could chat and sort things out and he said "lets just do this when we're sober." I asked if he would hold me because I was upset (I've asked this before) and he crawled into his bed, put his sheets over him and said no, that he couldnt, that he didn't want to hurt me, that he was uncomfortable. I left. Can you decipher his behaviour? Guilty about the girlfriend? Physically tempted by me? Haven't heard from him for 3 weeks. He is not interested in you. He craves intimacy and with HER. He wavered while drunk but was able to come to his senses. He is not a cheater and doesn't respect his own actions with uou, and hes trying to steer clear of you as he likely does not respect your behavior either as your still married and wants to stay away from it and above it by avoiding temptation. Im sorry if this sounds harsh it isnt meant to. Im not judging but you shared a moment and best to learn from it and move forward and respect his decision. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ultraviolet75 Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I appreciate all the blunt advice. It's good to hear. I think that I may have been getting mixed signals for months which may have skewed my perspective. I tried to cut off contact repeatedly and he kept persisting with texts, repeatedly told me how beautiful he thought I was, how monogamy was hard, then proceeded to ask me to lunch everyday for 3 months, suggested dinners together...and we have been repeatedly intimate in some way before. I appreciate what you are all saying...I was just operating in a certain context-possibly misguided. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I appreciate all the blunt advice. It's good to hear. I think that I may have been getting mixed signals for months which may have skewed my perspective. I tried to cut off contact repeatedly and he kept persisting with texts, repeatedly told me how beautiful he thought I was, how monogamy was hard, then proceeded to ask me to lunch everyday for 3 months, suggested dinners together...and we have been repeatedly intimate in some way before. I appreciate what you are all saying...I was just operating in a certain context-possibly misguided. When you state it like this, I understand your stance more than ever and have compassion for how you felt confused. Its SO tough to feel the object of ones desire one moment with tons of mixed signals then to be hit with a different moral standpoint the next. I think he did appear confused and to string you a long. I have been exactly where you stand. I think that final interraction said all you need to know and if he does come back do not allow him as you've been there and available enough. I think he needs to get his priorities straight...you do too obviously...we all do. So please forgive me for any judgement displayed, I think he did the hot/cold emotionally enough to confuse you. I know your smart enough now to let him be...but also block him from interfering with you again. He's on the fence, you deserve more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ultraviolet75 Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 No apology necessary! I sincerely appreciate your advice Privategal as well as everyone else's. It's been a long complicated saga- hopefully done for good now. It was toxic and bad for my self esteem. Thank you all. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 No apology necessary! I sincerely appreciate your advice Privategal as well as everyone else's. It's been a long complicated saga- hopefully done for good now. It was toxic and bad for my self esteem. Thank you all. The self esteem is the hardest blow. So sorry please be gentle on your self ❤ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ultraviolet75 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 So after two months of no contact (on my part or his), he messages me "I hope that you're doing well" as if nothing had happened at all....I have two questions (1) why is he messaging me-out of guilt, pity? and (2) how or should I respond? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 1) who cares 2) No, do not respond 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChancesAre24 Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 So after two months of no contact (on my part or his), he messages me "I hope that you're doing well" as if nothing had happened at all....I have two questions (1) why is he messaging me-out of guilt, pity? and (2) how or should I respond? 1) does he still have a GF? 2) Are you still married? 1+2 does equal 3 after all Link to post Share on other sites
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