How likely is it that the MW will leave her husband?

[prufrock]

Hi there, I gather from having done some reading on these forums that it is extremely rare for a married man to leave his wife for the OW. But how rare is it for the married woman to leave her husband for the OM? I would appreciate some info on this. Thanks!

Edited September 1, 2015 by prufrock

[elaine567]

Hi there, I gather from having done some reading on these forums that it is extremely rare for a married man to leave his wife for the OW. But how rare is it for the married woman to leave her husband for the OM? I would appreciate some info on this. Thanks!

 

Difficult to say, but marriage is a powerful thing and even very unhappily married people will stick with a marriage till the bitter end.

 

Kids, financials, houses, love, status, family, friends, community, religion, personality, opportunity, options all come into play.

Mostly when the disadvantages stack up against the advantages, there is a tipping point. At the tipping point she will leave.

Of course some may never reach the tipping point, the advantages of being married may far outweigh the advantages of leaving. Or she was always looking for a way out and an exit affair is a convenient way to do that.

Once left, she may or may not pursue things with the OM further.

It all depends on the circumstances, what are your MW's circumstances?

[prufrock]

I am the OM (divorced) and the MW and I have been together for the past 6 years. I have always wanted more but she has still not taken any steps to separate from her husband. I am getting tired of getting only crumbs and constantly being on the sidelines and am wondering if there is any hope in this relationship or if I should just move on. I'm guessing most people will tell me to move on but it is hard to do so having built up an emotional bond over such a long time.

[elaine567]

I am the OM (divorced) and the MW and I have been together for the past 6 years. I have always wanted more but she has still not taken any steps to separate from her husband. I am getting tired of getting only crumbs and constantly being on the sidelines and am wondering if there is any hope in this relationship or if I should just move on. I'm guessing most people will tell me to move on but it is hard to do so having built up an emotional bond over such a long time.

 

Yes, that is a sad situation for you, as I presume you love her too.

I do not think she is going to leave now, sorry.

My feeling is that if people truly love you, they move heaven and earth to be with you.

Married/attached people in love with the OW/OM just tend to leave/divorce. They re-organise their lives, their financial affairs and assets however complicated. They make sure their kids are OK too.

They do not tend to leave the OW/OM hanging on in limbo for years, they take action and usually pretty swiftly too.

[Got it]

One should be divorcing because the marriage isn't working. A MP should not be "leaving for" anyone else.

 

I was a MW, I did divorce, but I did not, in any way, leave for my AP. He was married, he divorced, he did not leave for me.

 

So if one is divorcing just for the sheer sake of leaving for the other person than they are less likely to be committed to the idea and less likely to actually pull the trigger.

[usernametaken]

One should be divorcing because the marriage isn't working. A MP should not be "leaving for" anyone else.

 

I was a MW, I did divorce, but I did not, in any way, leave for my AP. He was married, he divorced, he did not leave for me.

 

So if one is divorcing just for the sheer sake of leaving for the other person than they are less likely to be committed to the idea and less likely to actually pull the trigger.

 

Ditto this - though my AP divorced because he was unhappy with his marriage and because he wanted to be with me. It all got a little muddled there in the end.

[Lois_Griffin]

I think overall, women leave more than men do, but if she's a SAHM, you have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus. Women who have no financial options because they're dependent on their husbands stay right where the living is easy.

 

And if she did move out, she'd more than likely have custody of her kids - who would probably hate you for life.

 

You're SO wasting your time and life on this woman.

[anika99]

I think MW are more apt to leave their marriage than MM are and statistics seem to back that up as far more divorces are initiated by women than men. However I also think that the longer an affair goes on the less likely it is to turn into more for both MW and MM. After 6yrs I think it's unlikely that she is ever going to leave and if she does she will probably be tired of you and want to play the field as a newly single person.

[Reality1228]

Good question. I'm in a relationship with a married man. I am now separated but was still with my husband when we started seeing one another. I already wanted to leave my husband prior to our relationship beginning but my relationship with the MM gave me the courage to do so. I think it was right regardless of whether or not MM and I work out for the duration. There's a small part of me that wonders if I did it for MM, but I don't think so. He's still with his wife. I'm driving myself crazy wondering if there is ever the possibility of a future with him. I've decided it's time to have a conversation with him about it. I don't need to be investing my time if nothing will ever come of it. I'm not supposed to be dating so a secret relationship is not so bad at the moment.

[prufrock]

The MW in my case works full-time and is more or less financially independent. However I admit after 6 years that it is looking unlikely that she will be leaving her husband at all. I suppose she is comfortable with things as they are, living with her own family and seeing me on the side. But it is by no means a happy place to be, for me.

 

From the responses above and from other reading, it looks like even if the MW leaves her family, she may not end up with the OM. And if she does, the chances of the relationship working out are slim... Does anybody know of any cases where things actually worked out for the OM and MW??

[goodyblue]

I think MW are more apt to leave their marriage than MM are and statistics seem to back that up as far more divorces are initiated by women than men. However I also think that the longer an affair goes on the less likely it is to turn into more for both MW and MM. After 6yrs I think it's unlikely that she is ever going to leave and if she does she will probably be tired of you and want to play the field as a newly single person.

 

I would opine that many women, after their husband leaves, are the ones to file making it seem like they initiate the split when in reality they just filed first.

[DKT3]

One should be divorcing because the marriage isn't working. A MP should not be "leaving for" anyone else.

 

I was a MW, I did divorce, but I did not, in any way, leave for my AP. He was married, he divorced, he did not leave for me.

 

So if one is divorcing just for the sheer sake of leaving for the other person than they are less likely to be committed to the idea and less likely to actually pull the trigger.

 

That sounds good and all, but its impossible to seperate feeling for an AP from the reasons you are divorcing. Many times you hear a WW (and some WH) say the marriage was over long before the affair. Simply put, had that been 100% correct then there would have been no affair because they would have left.

 

This is really just a way to ease ones guilt for ripping the marriage apart, "see its not my fault" or "if I was really in love I could have never cheated". No one wants to be seen as the bad guy.

 

Looking at the pure numbers (though the vary from study to study) its actually really rare. Men leave for the AP roughly 9% of the time and women slightly higher around 15%. Married people just don't offer leave. Worse part is only, roughly 25% of WH ever consider leaving while 1/3 of the WW's do.

 

Most common way AP's end up together is the BS finding out and tossing them on their ear.

 

Affairs also rarely turn into long term relationships. It does happen, case in point we have four or five here. If I'm not mistaken Got It is one of them.

 

When it happens, it happens rather quickly, withing the first year or so of the affair starting.

 

Your MW isn't going anywhere, 6 years? Nah she is eatting cake, she likely very much is getting her fulfillment from the two of you and will keep status quo going as long as she can't. Make no mistake, if pushed she will pick him.

 

So to that end, how do you plan to protect yourself?

[cocorico]

Does anybody know of any cases where things actually worked out for the OM and MW??

 

My MIL and her fOM celebrated their golden wedding anniversary some years back. She left my H's father when he was a small boy, waited out the required separation time and then M her fOM, who brought my H up (as his stepdad). Neither she (MIL) nor he (fOM) ever had eyes for anyone else, and are still as much in love as ever.

 

It happens. Not to every WW and OM, though.

[carhill]

Hi there, I gather from having done some reading on these forums that it is extremely rare for a married man to leave his wife for the OW. But how rare is it for the married woman to leave her husband for the OM? I would appreciate some info on this. Thanks!

IME with MW's, mixed bag. Two did later leave their M's, though not for me. Others I wasn't involved with didn't leave their M's. My overall take is that the more pragmatic the woman is, the more clear-cut her analysis of the assets and liabilities. I've tended to interact with pretty pragmatic women in life so my results are a bit skewed. However, they have crossed a wide span of social and socio-eoconomic strata so there's that as well.

 

My bottom line assessment is, probably classic, that if the benefits of leaving outweigh the benefits of staying, they'll leave. If reverse, they'll stay. In the cases that I was involved with personally, where they did leave, they improved their socio-economic status by leaving. While no doubt opinion varied about their personal morals, their social status (popularity, power, etc) didn't appear to suffer much. Overall, they've done quite well. I can say that looking back on 20-30 years of experiences and the results of such affairs maturing over time. People who are successful move on and attract new social and professional contacts and the past slips into the past and becomes, largely, a non-issue.

[prufrock]

Looking at the pure numbers (though the vary from study to study) its actually really rare. Men leave for the AP roughly 9% of the time and women slightly higher around 15%. Married people just don't offer leave. Worse part is only, roughly 25% of WH ever consider leaving while 1/3 of the WW's do.

 

Most common way AP's end up together is the BS finding out and tossing them on their ear.

 

Affairs also rarely turn into long term relationships. It does happen, case in point we have four or five here. If I'm not mistaken Got It is one of them.

 

When it happens, it happens rather quickly, withing the first year or so of the affair starting.

 

Thanks DKT3 for those statistics. They are really interesting. Do you know where I can read up some more about them?

 

Your MW isn't going anywhere, 6 years? Nah she is eatting cake, she likely very much is getting her fulfillment from the two of you and will keep status quo going as long as she can't. Make no mistake, if pushed she will pick him.

 

So to that end, how do you plan to protect yourself?

 

Sadly, I suspect you are right and you ask a really good question. It is so hard for me to accept this and move on though. I don't know what I can do to protect myself. I am torn. It is painful and disappointing to be in my current position. Yet I love her so much that I sometimes think that it is better to have part of her than not to have her in my life at all.

Edited September 1, 2015 by prufrock

[txgrl]

I'm a Mw who had a long term A with a divorced OM .

 

I did not leave my H for him

 

How long were you divorced before you started your A with her ? Do you have kids ? What age bracket are you in ? Have you dated at all while being in the A?

 

No, it's very very unlikely she will leave .

[prufrock]

I'm a Mw who had a long term A with a divorced OM .

 

I did not leave my H for him

 

May I ask why?

 

How long were you divorced before you started your A with her ? Do you have kids ? What age bracket are you in ? Have you dated at all while being in the A?

 

I was still married when I started the A with her. I divorced shortly after, not just for her but partly also because my marriage was already on the rocks by that stage. I do have kids and am in my late 50s. At this age it is becoming harder to meet new people and frankly I am too disillusioned and do not have the energy or motivation to start from scratch in the dating game.

[sandylee1]

At this age it is becoming harder to meet new people and frankly I am too disillusioned and do not have the energy or motivation to start from scratch in the dating game.

 

You've got a very good chance of being with a single woman, even a younger one if you wanted. How long do you want to continue being a bit on the side while she gets to have a boyfriend and a husband?

 

Can she be there if you get sick?

Can she attend special family events with you?

Can you go on vacation with her and show friends your pictures?

 

Don't use the excuse of not wanting to start over.....that's weak and you don't want to be confronted by an angry husband, who could whip you into next week. Is she really worth all the hassle?

 

Have you ever spoken of her leaving him? Discussed plans to have an open relationship?

[txgrl]

I agree with sandy . You can and will find a new single lady but you will have to let go of this present relationship ( if it can be called that ) completely . It takes some time and complete NC.

 

I did not leave my husband because when reality comes crashing down , when you know your marriage was not as bad as u made it out to be not just to the OM but also to yourself , when you realize you've wronged your husband and strung another man along for your own selfishness, you realize it's best to end the A , make amends. Focus on H and kids and family and be kind to the OM and let him go .

I assure you your MW cares about you but it takes a lot of soul searching and courage to admit to yourself that you messed up and letting go . I hope she gets there because she is not leaving after 6 years . I hope you understand that it is your choice to let go and move on . It is not dependent on her wishes .

After my own experience , I would never never ever become part of infidelity in any way, shape or form . So damaging to your soul .

[Popsicle]

I'd say 50/50 for genuinely unhappy MW's to leave their husband. That does not take into account WHEN they will leave their husband, if they do. That could take anywhere from weeks to years.

 

I am of the opinion, that if it's taking more than 3 months for them to leave FOR THE OM/OW, then they probably aren't ever going to leave. You being there makes no difference.

Edited September 2, 2015 by Popsicle

[Darren Steez]

The MW in my case works full-time and is more or less financially independent. However I admit after 6 years that it is looking unlikely that she will be leaving her husband at all. I suppose she is comfortable with things as they are, living with her own family and seeing me on the side. But it is by no means a happy place to be, for me.

 

From the responses above and from other reading, it looks like even if the MW leaves her family, she may not end up with the OM. And if she does, the chances of the relationship working out are slim... Does anybody know of any cases where things actually worked out for the OM and MW??

 

Does it matter IF it works out for others. I'm sure there are millions of stories of how it works out for or against but none have to do with your case.

 

I'm betting you use a lot of HOPEs, WISH, IFs. None of these are absolutes, and they all leave you in limbo. Your "GF" is financially independent and could leave at any time yet she doesn't. She doesn't get to suffer, her husband doesn't get to suffer (if he's clueless about the affair) the only one swinging in the wind is you waiting for something that probably won't happen.

 

Are you saying a healthy relationship with an available woman there for you full time is not better than one where you get bits of the time and zero commitment? Even when she's available, if she cheated with you then she can cheat on you..

[maymaymay]

I have a OM I'm trying to get with. I've made it very clear I'm not leaving my husband, I just want extra sex. OM knows it, but still brings up not wanting to ruin my marriage. It's like he assumes a woman couldn't possibly have sex just for sex and not fall in love. Bs. I already have love, I just want the new new for a bit.

 

Woman are sexual creatures too, and not all of us interested in an affairr dissatisfied with our SO

[elaine567]

I do have kids and am in my late 50s. At this age it is becoming harder to meet new people and frankly I am too disillusioned and do not have the energy or motivation to start from scratch in the dating game.

 

Loads of single women in their fifties looking for a decent single man.

I think you have got in so deep in this rut, that you cannot see a way out. You are not happy with how things are, but are too scared to look for happiness elsewhere.

Carpe diem.

[cocorico]

 

Affairs also rarely turn into long term relationships. It does happen, case in point we have four or five here. If I'm not mistaken Got It is one of them.

When it happens, it happens rather quickly, withing the first year or so of the affair starting.

 

 

Sometimes. Other times, not - I found an old thread on here of OWs whose fMMs had left and they were now full-time couples, where the average was around three years. Our A was just over three years, before fMM left and we M.

 

It depends on many things. One is changing circumstances. Neither my H nor I would have been able to enter a FTR before we did so. My father waited until we kids were all grown before he left for his OW. My MIL waited until my H was "old enough" before leaving for her OM.

 

Others don't leave, no matter how long you wait. There is no hard and fast rule.

[txgrl]

I was intimate with OM just once and the rest was an EA for a rather protracted length of time . For me, it was wayyyy more than sex . I was in this fantasyland and I was sure I was going to leave H for OM . It is one thing talking about divorce and a whole diff story actually having to go thru dividing , disentangling , kids , finances ...

And yet I didn't leave .

 

OP, if she leaves she will find you . You can't possible just sit around waiting for her although that is exactly what I wanted my OM to do . Wanted my cake and eat it too .

 

I and many people here totally understand breaking this bond that up have developed . It will be a lot of heartache unfortunately . But chances are ten years will pass and you will still be waiting and feeling even more frustrated .

 

That is , if her H doesn't find out and want to strangle you first ..

 

Do the right thing .. She will find her peace .